I Fall To Pieces
by LMRaven
Summary: Monsters are real. They are people we interact with every day but we never truly see the darkness that resides within them until it's too late. But just as monsters are real, so must heroes be as well; the friend, the parent, the lover. Sometimes, if we are lucky, we can even find the heroes that exist within ourselves. My name is Bella Swan and this is my story. All human.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Okay, so I have absolutely no business posting this considering I have two unfinished stories in the works but as most writers know once you get a plot bunny jumping around in your head, you need to get it out. So I am.

For those of you that have read my previous work, you will quickly realize that I have made a complete departure from my usual writing style (I may slip back into it at times...who knows.)

Fair warning, the characters may be OOC at times...that is completely intentional. The chapters will be written in both Bella's and Edward's POV. I will be letting you know at the beginning of each chapter which is which. This is an all human story.

Please drop me a review to let me know if you think it's good, bad or down right ugly.

And finally, the characters belong to Stephanie Meyer. I only take them out of their original pages to play with them for awhile.

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><p>Bella POV<p>

Welcome to Phoenix

I remember the first time I saw that sign.

I was staring blankly out of the dusty window of our old Ford at the looming city rising from the brown of the desert.

"I have a really good feeling about this place, baby." Renee's smile was wide as she glanced over at me.

I fought the urge to roll my eyes.

It was her standard catch phrase for every town she dragged us to. I had stopped believing her after the first few times.

Her "good feelings" came with an expiration date.

I'm pretty sure Renee' was a bird in her past life considering the amount of times we packed up and moved around.

I was probably a turtle.

Renee' was struck with a wicked case of wanderlust; not exactly a becoming trait when you were a mother. But she was young, much younger than most of the mothers of girls I knew; which weren't that many anymore.

I stopped becoming close friends with people. We never stayed long enough in one place for it to be worth it. Even when I would visit my dad every summer before I turned thirteen, I didn't spend too much time with other kids my age. They seemed to all know each other from birth and I was the curious outsider whose dad was the chief of police in a town of less than 3,000 people.

Renee' left my dad and the rainy town of Forks, Washington with me in tow when I was only five. It seems we've been on the go ever since. What she was running to or running from, she never said and I don't think I ever asked.

Many people when they meet the two of us tell her she was too young to be the mother of a teenager.

No one ever said I was too young to be the mother of a thirty eight year old teenager.

But I was.

We were polar opposites in many ways. Where Renee was flighty, erratic and impulsive, I was logical, responsible and perceptive. She was an extrovert. I was an introvert. She spent money. I paid the bills. She wanted to be the child. I needed to be the parent. A shrink would have a field day with us.

I loved her despite all this.

She was my best friend.

She was my mom.

After a few months in Phoenix, I became more comfortable with the fact that maybe Renee would actually settle down. At least long enough for me to finish high school.

Which brings me to her job.

She found one working in the administrative offices of the very high school I would be going to. The pay wasn't great but the benefits were good. So she said.

We needed the health benefits. I suffered from a perpetual case of the clumsies which always seemed to land me in the E.R. more times than I can count. I was still under my dad's health plan but a backup always helped.

In an indirect way, this was how she met Phil.

She was waiting for me while I was being checked over for a sprain in my ankle. A sprain that was caused by the mundane act of shoe shopping. Renee thought I needed a pair of high heels. I protested with abject horror but gave in to her pleading looks and tried them on anyway. Yeah, that was a disaster.

Walking or should I say wobbling across the store, 'trying them out', I tripped over a stack of shoes boxes and down I went, my ankle twisting in the process.

Off to the E.R. again, greeted by name (they already knew who I was by now) and ushered into an examining room, Renee was left to fend for herself for a little while. Thinking back, I should have insisted she come with me.

Phil was a baseball player...or at least that was what he wanted to be. In reality he was the coach of one of the local high school baseball teams. He was still hoping to get a position in the minor leagues.

He did something to his "rotator cuff" (whatever that is) while demonstrating a pitch and was coming out of an examination cubicle when he literally bumped into Renee'

"Oh Bella. I really want you to like him. I think he may be 'the one' " Renee' had said with a sparkle in her eye.

I really wanted to like him too. And I did. At first.

Phil was a few years younger than my mom. At thirty five, he was good looking, physically fit and he seemed to like Renee a lot. But even back then I felt something was "off". He was a little _too_ good to be true.

Their wedding was a twenty minute ceremony at the Justice of the Peace. I was the only witness. Which struck me as odd. Didn't Phil have any family or friends, he wanted to invite?

"What happened to the white dress you picked out?" I had asked Renee before the ceremony while she was getting ready when I noticed she was wearing peach. It made her look sallow. "You loved that dress."

A look of sad disappointment crossed her features before she gave me a reassuring smile.

"Phil picked this out." She said twirling around to show it off. "He said white wouldn't be appropriate since I was married before. Don't you like it?"

I wanted to tell her no but I was too stunned to form words. Who _was_ this woman and where was my mother? Since when did she let _anyone_ tell her what to wear or what to do?

Despite my previous reservations about Phil, this was the first time I felt something was seriously wrong.

"Um...it's great, Mom." I had finally said. It was a lie but who was I to ruin her impression? She looked happy and I wanted to be happy for her.

I wasn't.

We moved in with Phil.

That's when things started to change...and not for the better.

Renee' and I had packed up all of our things into boxes. It didn't take too long. We had done it so many times before. We had a system and it worked.

The day after the move, I had come back to Phil's right from school, noting with curiosity the filled boxes sitting on the curb waiting for the garbage pick up. Upon closer inspection, I realized that many of the contents were items that Renee and I had picked up over the years from many of the places we lived.

"A visual diary of our many interesting travels" Renee liked to call them. They weren't valuable but they were sentimental. And some of them were mine; items I had personally placed in my new room.

Angrily, I took what I wanted to keep and in a fit of rebellion that was completely alien to me, I brought them back into the house.

"Isabella, what are you doing?"

I stiffened. Renee never called me Isabella. _Never._

"Why are all of our things in the trash?" I asked her, ignoring her question.

"Don't be ridiculous." She had laughed nervously. "Not all of our things are in the trash. Just the silly stuff."

_Silly?_ "But Mom, you love these things."

"Phil said it bothered him that I would keep memories of my life before him around. And...well I want to make him happy."

"What about _my_ things? The stuff _I_ wanted to keep."

"The same applies, Bella. He's your stepdad now and it is his house."

"Oh? So he can keep his silly shrine of old baseball trophies from his has-been days gone by but I can't keep a few knick knacks in my room?"

I surprised us both with my anger, I think.

"It's_ his_ house, Bella." She softly reminded me again but I heard determination in her tone. "Please," she pleaded. "I really want this to work."

It was then that I knew her loyalties had switched. Maybe I was acting like a spoiled brat but I never felt betrayal so sharp.

His personality changes were subtle at first. He would criticize her but in the nicest way possible...it was patronizing and condescending and you wouldn't even recognize it for what it was but like I said was perceptive and read in between the lines. I saw how everything he said chipped away at her self esteem, made her more emotionally dependent on him.

I hated it. I began to hate him.

From then on my mother, my free thinking, frivolous, beautiful, outspoken mother, became Phil's parrot. Every statement out of her mouth began with "Phil says", "Phil thinks", "Phil wants."

I mentioned it to her once over one of our many arguments on how Phil ran the house.

"You don't even see it. He is controlling you..._us_. And you let him." I accused her.

She, in return, accused me of being jealous and if I would just let him in, Phil could help guide me too.

_Guide me?_ Was there a Phil cult I wasn't aware of?

I began to wonder if I really was jealous...resentful that someone else had taken the lead with Renee'. No. I wanted her to be happy. I wanted her to have someone else in her life that she could depend on and take care of her. I wouldn't feel so guilty then when I went away to college; which I had every intention of doing. But I did not want it like _this_...a slow acting cancer that was eating away everything that Renee was.

I wanted my mom back.

I never mentioned it again.

Maybe if I did, things wouldn't have turned out the way they did.

I considered calling my dad to go and live with him but that would mean Renee would be left alone with him. I couldn't do that.

So I stayed.

When I turned seventeen, Phil took us out to eat. He still hadn't stopped trying to get me under his control and I still hadn't stopped trying to let him know it was never going to happen. I was bitter and didn't try to hide it anymore. Renee would say I was being deliberately defiant.

He ordered for both me and my mother claiming he knew what was good to eat here.

My mother appreciated it. I resented it.

"You know what?" I told the waitress as she was about to walk away with Phil's order. "I think I'll order the penne ala vodka instead."

The waitress walked away with a smile and a nod, crossing off the order of shrimp scampi that Phil recited to her.

Renee' sucked in a breath. My eyes shifted to Phil whose mouth was set into a grim line. I knew he was grinding his teeth.

"I don't trust seafood in a city that's so far from the ocean." I explained to him before turning to my mom with a forced grin. "Remember, the great crawfish we had in New Orleans?" I asked her.

"Oh yes." Renee's eyes brightened in mirth. "I didn't want to eat it at first but it was sooo good. Messy though."

Bella-one, Phil-zero. I had so foolishly patted myself in the back. I gave Phil a satisfied smirk.

His fingers tightly clenched around his silverware. He was seething.

I felt victorious. And a little frightened. Had I pushed him too far? Would Renee pay the price?

"I suppose you regret leaving there then, if you had so much fun." Phil bit out through gritted teeth sounding like a petulant child.

Renee's smile faded. "N...no...of...of course not." She stammered. "I am happy here...with you"

I almost vomited in my mouth as she sought to reassure him.

My sense of victory deflated quickly under Phil's knowing smirk. He was letting me know that he had the ultimate control and I had none and of course Renee remained oblivious.

Disgusted with everything, I began to spend more and more time away from the house. Phil couldn't say a word about where I spent my time. After all who would complain about a student spending time in a library?

It became my second home. It never occurred to me that I didn't have a first one.

Within the quiet aisles upon aisles of books, I found solace.

Within the pages of the classics, I found escape.

Over the long dark wooden tables, I was also asked on my first date ever.

Brandon was cute in a bookish sort of way with glasses and a neat hair cut. He was shy and unassuming.

He was the complete opposite of Phil.

I accepted.

Had I known it would have been the catalyst for disaster, I would have refused.

We went out to the movies. A cheesy rom-com. I don't recall the name anymore.

There was no spark between us but it got me away from Phil on a Friday night.

It was late when I got home. After a quick peck on the cheek, I went inside the dark house.

I shut the front door as quietly as possible.

I jumped when the lamp in the living room came on to reveal Phil sitting there with the scariest expression I had ever seen in my life.

He got up slowly from the sofa and walked towards me.

I backed away.

"Where's my mom?" I asked.

"She's sleeping." His eyes darted towards the stair case.

"I think I'll go up to bed too." I told him wanting to get away from him as quickly as possible.

He grabbed my arm before I could run up the stairs. His eyes dragging over my body, lingering on my plaid skirt and tight blouse.

I felt dirty.

"Not so fast. I want to talk to you first."

"I'm tired." I told him trying to wrench my arm from his grasp but he tightened his grip. "Let me go. What is _wrong_ with you?"

He shook his head. "Little Isabella...always so defiant. I tried to raise you the right way. I _really_ did."

_Raise me?_ What the fuck?

"What the _hell_ are you talking about?"

I had been petrified. Phil was lost in his own little world.

"I bet you let him touch you...let his fingers roam all over you. And you liked it...you little whore."

I wasn't that naive that I didn't know lust when I saw it. It mingled with the anger but it was there and it was aimed at me.

"If you do not let me go right now, I _will_ scream."

"And let your mother be punished for your actions?" He shook his head again. "I call your bluff."

I shrunk back, curling into myself despite his painful hold on my arm.

He was right. I wouldn't scream. Not if it meant Renee would be hurt.

"I've been wanting to put you in your place for a long time." He said menacingly with bared teeth.

But I would be damned if I didn't fight him every step of the way.

His intentions were clear.

So was my resolve.

I drew my foot up and scraped it hard down his shin.

Exactly how Charlie had taught me.

"You little bitch!" He roared letting go of me.

I ran only to have his hand grip my hair pulling me back so I landed hard on the ground. Thrashing, I kicked my foot out. It hit the end table sending the lamp crashing onto the floor and plummeting us into darkness.

The stairway light came on. Footsteps scurried fast down the stairs.

"What was that noise?"

Renee.

"Mom, go back upstairs." I shouted before she could see what was happening.

It was too late. Her eyes took on the scene before her in horror; me on the ground, Phil's hand in my hair, his body hovering over mine.

"Phil! What are you doing? Get away from my daughter!"

Renee had finally woken up...literally.

"Go back to bed Renee." He ordered. I have to teach this little slut of yours a lesson. She's been allowed to run rampant for way too long."

Realizing what was happening...what was going to happen, she screamed in rage hurling herself the rest of the way down the stairs and attached himself to his back with a roar.

He flung her off him like she was nothing but a fly sending her flying back onto the broken glass of the lamp. I scrambled up and jumped on him, ripping at his hair, trying to gouge at his face with my blunt nails.

Throwing me over his head like I weighed nothing, I landed head first into the wall.

I remembered nothing after that.

Except for the screams.

They would haunt me until the day I died.

The sound of incessant beeping woke me up. I pried my eyes open to see the ravaged tearstained face of my father watching me.

"Oh thank God, Bells. I thought I lost you too."

_Too?_ It took a moment for my hazy brain to register the meaning. Then I had remembered.

My date

Phil

The threats

Renee

The screaming

Oh God, the _screaming._

I sank back into nothingness.

When I opened my eyes once again, Charlie was still there.

"Mom is dead isn't she?" My voice was hoarse, cracking with grief.

Charlie nodded. "I'm so sorry, Bella."

"Phil?"

A look of savage anger crossed his features.

"Gone."

What did he mean by gone?

"Dead? Captured?"

I struggled to sit up and failed. The pain was too great.

"No." He sounded defeated. "Just gone."

_Escaped_. He meant escaped.

As I was told later on and from what I heard from the local news that I managed to sneak regardless of Charlie's attempts to keep me in a media blackout, I found out a concerned neighbor had called the cops when she heard the screams.

When they had broken through the doors of the house they walked into a virtual blood bath. Renee was savagely murdered, I was left for dead with multiple stab wounds and Phil was just gone. The police had no leads.

Charlie told me I died once. It was on the way to the hospital before he was even aware what had happened. He was profoundly grateful they were able to bring me back.

I wasn't.

Would I have been sent to heaven or hell?

The police questioned me a day after I woke up. Turns out I had been in a coma.

Charlie stayed in the room for that; stopping them when the heart monitors began to go crazy.

They heard enough anyway.

Charlie became quieter after that; mumbling to himself words I didn't understand; sending pitying looks my way. Still, I kept waiting for when he would turn his accusing eyes on me, point his finger and blame me.

He never did.

I think he blamed himself.

He was _so_ wrong.

The only memories I had of that night looked like time frozen photograph stills under a strobe light and the screams that played in a constant loop.

I always heard the screams.

I didn't know if they were mine or Renee's.

Maybe they were both.

I briefly wondered if Charlie could hear them too. Then I remembered he wasn't there.

The hospital appointed therapist during my physical recovery explained that the temporary dissociative amnesia was my body's self defense mechanism, a mental shield against the horrors that had happened. It was completely normal and I would remember when I was ready to.

Would I ever be ready to recall that?


	2. Chapter 2

Welcome to Forks

There was no "I have a good feeling about this place" spoken from Charlie as the faded sign came into view.

I felt the loss of my mother even more in that moment.

I would live with Charlie now. He was all I had left.

He stayed with me until I was finally sprung free from the antiseptic laden walls of the hospital, taking an extended stay of off work to be in Phoenix.

I would always have the scars from the stabbings around my abdomen and slice marks from defensive wounds down my arms.

I could live with those..._sort of_.

The mental scars were more painful.

Long sleeves became the staple of my wardrobe. Thank God it was always cold in Forks.

Phil was never caught. Many nights I lay awake wondering if he would come back to finish the job. I couldn't sleep anyway.

He was in my nightmares too.

"I enrolled you into Forks High School." Charlie informed me breaking the awkward silence that permeated the car. "You can start on Monday after you've settled in.'

"Um...thanks." I replied.

High school.

Normal. Mundane. It was _exactly_ what I needed.

A scary thought occurred to me.

"You didn't tell anyone?" A note of horror snuck into my voice. "About what happened, I mean."

I wanted no one's pity. No curious questions either.

Forks was a small town. Word was bound to get around.

Charlie gave me a sympathetic look. "I told the necessary people, Bella. I had to. I told them to keep quiet, if that makes you feel better."

"It does." I assured him.

It didn't...not really. Who _were_ the necessary people anyway?

He sighed heavily. "I also arranged for you to keep seeing a therapist."

I squeezed my eyes shut. Of course, he would do that.

I was damaged...maybe beyond repair.

They shoot injured horses, don't they?

His hand reached out for mine and squeezed. "None of this was your fault Bella. Maybe seeing someone regularly will help you realize that."

I knew better. Not bothering to correct him, I stayed silent.

Maybe Charlie _did_ know me after all.

He sighed again. It was a sound I heard a lot from him. He didn't know what to do with me..._or_ what to say.

My fault really. He was suddenly thrust into the role of a father again. I was the one who had pushed him out in the first place. The sad part was, I didn't even know why.

Maybe it was because Renee needed me more than he did.

I certainly did a great job, didn't I?

My old bedroom was exactly the same as when I last visited; like Charlie was still trying to hang on to the thirteen year old girl that had lived here. She was gone. I still don't know who took her place.

"We can go into town and pick up some new bed sheets if you want." He grimaced at the bedding and his tone was apologetic.

Yeah. The Hannah Montana stuff had to go. I never heard of the show anyway but some sales woman at a store had suckered Charlie into buying them claiming all the girls were into Miley Cyrus. Spending only two months out of the year together at that point, poor Charlie had no idea that I had no clue who Hannah Montana was.

I set my suitcase on the bed and robotically unpacked while Charlie excused himself to make dinner.

Welcome to Forks indeed.

After laying awake most of the night, my body finally gave up the fight and I fell asleep.

_"I'm sorry, baby. So sorry."_

"Mom?" I woke up with a start, jack knifing into a sitting position.

The room was dark. Rain beat on the window panes.

Then it hit me.

Oh right, I was in Forks.

Cold, rain, clouds.

_Perfect_

Swinging my legs over the side of the bed, I cringed as my feet hit the cold wooden floor. Quickly stumbling for the dresser, I opened the top drawer and shoved on a pair of thick socks.

The smell of bacon and pancakes assailed me as soon as I opened the bedroom door.

Since when did Charlie cook breakfast?

He looked over his shoulder at me and smiled when I wandered into the kitchen with a yawn and sat down at the old kitchen table with it's mismatched chairs.

"I hope you're hungry." He said flipping over a pancake. "I made breakfast."

I shrugged non-commitally. I wasn't but I didn't want to hurt his feelings or diminish his efforts so I made a valiant effort to force the food down my throat.

It tasted like cardboard.

I wasn't sure if it was because of Charlie's cooking or my own faulty taste buds.

"Is there coffee?" I asked him, hopefully.

His eyes narrowed the teensiest bit. "Aren't you a little too young for coffee?"

"No. Mom always..." I stopped on a broken sob.

Charlie' face softened as he poured me a cup and placed it in front of me. "Sugar? Milk?"

"Just black, thanks."

My trembling hands clasped around the cup and I brought it to my lips trying not to let the contents slosh over the sides.

With my luck, it would give me second degree burns.

He nodded and sat down across from me.

Here comes the awkward silence again.

I shoveled the bacon in my mouth so I didn't have to make trite conversation.

"I have a surprise for you." He said looking a bit unsure of himself, his hand clasped around the back of his neck.

He must not have remembered I wasn't too keen on surprises.

I raised my eyebrow. "Oh yeah?"

He nodded. "It's not much but I figured you'd need it."

"What is it?"

"You'll see."

He smiled broader now. I tried to smile back.

I don't think it worked.

A few hours later a large pick-up truck with a bulbous red cab made it's way up the block and stopped in front of the house. Curious, I watched as a boy with long dark hair jumped from the truck and approached Charlie, handing him the keys.

"Bella!" Charlie called out over his shoulder.

Walking down the few front steps, I cautiously approached them.

The boy smiled at me showing a row of perfectly straight teeth that look startlingly white against the contrast of his reddish brown skin. He held out his hand which I hesitantly took.

"Hi I'm Jacob."

"Bella." I replied.

"I know. We used to play together when we were kids."

_Did we?_ I hadn't been a kid in such a long time.

"I don't remember." I said apologetically.

"It's okay." He shrugged with a grin. "It was just mud pies."

"Oh" I tried to wrap my brain around that. Mud pies. I couldn't even imagine.

"So Jake here brought over the truck." Charlie motioned towards the ancient red truck that sat in the driveway. "I bought it for you."

"Really?" I squeaked feeling the beginnings of a true smile. "For me."

Charlie blushed, looking sheepish. "Well, you need a way to get around and I figured a patrol car wouldn't be ideal for you."

No, he was right about that. I wanted to avoid attention not attract it.

"Consider it a belated Christmas present." He added.

Oh right. Christmas. I completely forgot we were in the New Year now. The passage of the joyful holiday passed quickly under an anesthesia induced haze marked only by red and green tinsel hung haphazardly around the room.

I barely remembered it.

I smiled genuinely and kissed him on the cheek. "It's perfect. Thank you."

"It's good to see you smile again, Bells."

The smile faded replaced with guilt.

What right did I have to smile when my mother was dead and I was the cause?

Jake seemed to sense the sudden mood shift and cleared his throat. "Well, I guess I just get going then."

"Do you need a ride?" Charlie asked him.

"Nah. I put my bike in the back. I'll just ride that home."

I expected him to take out a ten speed. Instead he wheeled out a motorized dirt bike. I was fascinated by it.

"Okay kid." Charlie ruffled Jake's hair. "Be sure to thank Billy for me."

"No need Charlie. He was glad to get rid of it." Jacob looked at me. "Drive it in good health, Bella."

He took off down the street, the loud motor spitting and puttering as he went.

* * *

><p>The morning of the first day of school, I stumbled sleepy eyed towards the bathroom. Again, I was plagued by nightmares that I didn't remember.<p>

But I knew they were there.

I flicked on the light. It blinked twice before staying on completely making an odd humming noise.

I looked like hell.

"What did you expect?" A little voice inside my head replied back to the sallow face in the mirror with the dead brown eyes. "You went to hell and came back. No one returns unscathed."

Carefully avoiding looking at the puckered pink scars as I showered, I let the hot water cascade over me. Feeling more human, I got dressed and tried my best to cover up my pale face and the dark circles under my eyes.

It wasn't great but at least I didn't look like a freak from Night of the Living Dead. Ironic, huh?

Wasn't that exactly what I was…the living dead?

Forks High School…Home of the Spartans Winner of the 2001 Football Championship

Sis Boom Bah, I snickered as I spotted the wooden sign of the high school through the noisily working windshield wipers on the truck. It was time to change their sign. 2001 was way too long ago to continue boasting about a sports championship.

It reminded me of Phil and his damn high school trophies.

I wanted to vomit.

"Suck it up, Bella" I grumbled to myself, parking into a spot and yanking the keys from the ignition. "You can do this. It's just another first day in a new school. It's not like you've never done it before."

Grabbing my umbrella and my book bag, I hopped out of the truck with purpose and walked towards the double red doors.

Yeah, I could do this.

* * *

><p>No, I <em>couldn't<em> do this.

It should've been so easy. Walk to the administrative office, check in, get my class assignments and go. I had done it so many times, I could do it in my sleep.

Now was different.

_I_ was different.

And Mrs' Cope, the eagle eyes school secretary was a bit knowing for my liking.

"Isabella Swan." She read off my driver's license before handing it back to me. "So, you're the chief's daughter."

"Bella." I corrected automatically trying not to shift uncomfortably under her direct scrutinizing gaze.

"Bella." She smiled as handed me my schedule.

Good, it was similar to the one I left behind.

"Oh and here is your locker number and combination. It's on the second floor."

"Thank you." I mumbled staring down at the numbers.

"Yoo hoo, Mr. Newton!" Mr's Cope yelled out to a person in the hallway as they walked by.

I turned to see a guy around my age with blonde hair make a face as tried to pass by the room.

"I didn't do anything…I swear."

"Guilty conscience?" She asked him. "Never mind. I actually called you in here to see if you will walk our new student to her first class."

His eyes seem to light as he saw me for the first time, his gaze giving me a once over before he smiled. I could almost hear him think the words "fresh meat."

Yup…I'm the new girl.

Another boy came into the office walking…no…not walking…sauntering with his bed tousled penny bronze hair and a secret smirk.

I wondered what the joke was.

I wondered why I was suddenly so interested.

"Ahh, Mr. Cullen…" I heard Mrs. Cope say.

"I'm Mike." The blonde jock type said invading my view as he clumsily shifted his books from one arm to the other before holding out his hand.

I made no move to extend my hand to his.

"Bella."

He awkwardly let his arm fall back to his side and his smile receded a little bit. "So Bella, what's your first class then?"

I looked at the sheet in front of me. "Um, AP History with Flanders."

"Cool. That's my class too."

I tried not to notice the stares as we walked down the hall together.

"So, Bella…you have a last name?" Mike asked casually.

"Swan." I told him.

He stumbled a bit at that, obviously making the connection "So you're the chief's daughter, huh? Should I be worried?"

"I don't know…_should_ you be?" I attempted to joke letting some of my old snarkiness come to the forefront.

He threw his head back and laughed. Heads swiveled to look at us. "Ya know, I really think I'm going to like you a lot, Isabella Swan."

* * *

><p>I was the shiny new toy and everyone wanted to play with me.<p>

At least that's how it felt.

The experience of my first day at Phoenix Central had been nothing like this. There, I had barely been a blip on the radar. Some were curious about the new girl, sure, but nothing like this.

Apparently I was big news in a small town.

Everyone wanted to know my story.

Oh, well, my mother's husband killed her, left me a mass of bleeding pulp on the living room floor and so, Ta Da, here I am. He's still out there wanted by the police by the way. Wanna be my friend?

I didn't think that would go over so well.

"My mom died." I choked on the bile that invaded my mouth. "So I came to live with my Dad."

It wasn't necessarily a lie. It just wasn't the whole truth.

When the inevitable questions came about how she died came, I only responded that I didn't like to talk about it.

It worked.

At least for now.

By the time lunch time rolled around, everyone knew who I was and why I was there. I stood in the small cafeteria, hands clenched around the tray of standard school food I didn't think I could stomach eating and wondered where to sit.

I was also looking for the color bronze. I'd seen flashes pass of it pass by me all morning.

Now…nothing.

"Hey Arizona!" Mike Newton yelled over at me, waving his hand motioning me to come over.

I hoped that little nickname didn't stick.

Concentrating on not tripping over my own two feet, I walked over to the packed lunch table. Mike shoved another boy off the chair that was next to him. I flinched as he landed on the floor.

"Your chair, m'lady." He made a sweeping motion with his hand.

I chose another chair in a small rebellion letting him know I didn't appreciate what he just did.

"Ooh Mike," The boy who landed on the floor winked at me as he jumped to his feet. "I think she just showed you what's what."

"Shut up Yorkie." Mike pouted.

That must be his last name…unless his mother _wanted_ to be intentionally cruel.

"Hi I'm Eric." Yorkie introduced himself. "And you're Bella. Welcome to Forks."

"Don't mind them, Bella." A girl who was introduced to me earlier as Jessica said. "The novelty of being the newbie will wear off soon enough." She flipped her hair in Mike's direction. "Then you'll be just like the rest of us."

She said it like it was a _bad_ thing.

"Sooner rather than later I hope."

* * *

><p>I picked at rather than ate my lunch.<p>

It was little better than the hospital food. Deciding that I'd played enough at normal for one day, I excused myself politely from the table.

Mike looked dejected.

Jessica looked victorious.

So that was the way the cookie crumbled.

I should've told her to be my guest.

Though it was doubtful she would believe me. Girls like that assumed that just because they wanted it, everyone else wanted it too.

Before claustrophobia could set in, I found myself walking outside. Only a few other students were on the field.

It was cold. It was miserable. But it was fresh air.

Breathe, Bella.

I closed my eyes and turned my face towards the sky.

"Heads Up!" I heard a frantic shout.

"I got it! I got it!" I heard a voice boom out close to me.

_Way too close._

I snapped my eyes open just before a large bulky figure barreled towards me, jumped in the air and landed on the ground two feet away from me. My body, which had instinctively braced for impact jumped awkwardly backward and I felt myself fall, landing on my behind and hitting my elbow.

Crap, that hurt.

"Emmett, you fucker! Look where you're going next time." The same frantic voice as before yelled.

"Sorry! I didn't see her. She wasn't there before."

I could've sworn I heard the phrase "blind as a damn bat" being muttered but I wasn't sure.

Dazed, I didn't register the sound of feet running towards me, until I saw a shadow blocking out the almost non-existent sun in the afternoon sky.

I looked up into the greenest pair of eyes I had ever seen…deep pools of emerald...and a thick head of bronze hair.

"Hey, are you okay?" He eyed me with deep concern as he helped me to a sitting position.

"Yeah…just wasn't planning on playing…" I looked over to the big guy…Emmett walking sheepishly over to us. I saw the ball in his hands. "…football today." I finished my sentence and hoped I didn't sound like a complete dork.

Green Eyes smiled at me. "Next time bring protective gear." He joked.

"I'll remember that, thanks."

"I am so, so sorry." Emmett said crouching down in front of me. He was big. Not fat…just big. I could see the muscles ripple in his arms. I might have been intimidated by the sheer size of him if he didn't' look like he wanted to cry. "I didn't see you. I swear."

"You need to watch where you're going." Green Eyes thumped him in the back of the head.

"Well, Edward, you dumb ass, _you're_ the one that threw the ball!"

_Edward._ Green Eyes had a name now.

"Don't worry about it." I told them before they brought out the fists. "I've had worse."

Ain't that the truth?

Emmett grinned broadly. I guess I just made his day.

I winced feeling the pain in my elbow for the first time.

I looked down but I knew what was happening before I even saw it.

Blood.

Rusty, metallic

Death

I shook my head to clear the visual.

You just smacked your elbow on the concrete. No one is dying…today.

Edward followed my gaze. His smirk vanished replaced with a puckered frown.

"You're bleeding." His fingers touched my sleeve. "Let me see."

"No!" I yanked my arm away.

The scars. I couldn't let them see the scars.

"I mean..." _ Deep breaths, Bella_ "...It's okay. I can take care of it myself." I tried to sound less like a nutcase.

Edward had a weird expression on his face. I couldn't place the emotion behind it.

"Don't be absurd, Bella." His voice was flat.

_Absurd?_

Wait…he _knew_ my name?

"How do you know who I am?"

He chuckled then. The velvety sound did strange unknown things to my stomach.

"I think the whole town knows who you are, _Bella Swan_." He held his hand out. "Now, please, let me take a look?"

"Maybe you should." Emmett told me nervously looking at the blood seeping through my sleeve. "He's really good at this sort of thing."

I stood up, cradling my injured arm against me. "Thanks but I think I'll just go to the nurses off and grab a bandage."

"So stubborn." I heard Edward mutter under his breath with a shake of his head. He gave an exasperated sigh and stood up. "Okay then, have it your way."

I watched him and Emmett walked away towards a group of other kids lingering by the bleachers. Edward Cullen gave another look my way before reaching down for his backpack and looping it over his shoulder.

Silently, I entered the building searching for the nurse's office grabbed a bandage and ran up the stairs to make it to my next class in time.

I had to wonder if it was some sort of cosmic joke that gave me Biology right after lunch. Ironically enough it was also my first class with Edward Cullen.


	3. Chapter 3

Edward POV

My eyes snapped open suddenly. Glancing over at the glaring red digits of my alarm clock I waited for my eyes to focus.

_The fuck?_

I blinked twice.

Blinked again.

It was early.

_Way, way early._

I never got up early..._ever_. My alarm wouldn't be buzzing loudly in my ear for another forty five minutes.

Rolling over on my stomach, I tried to go back to sleep. My eyes closed. Opened again. Flipped over on my back, covered my eyes with my arm and tried again.

Screw it.

I got up, showered and headed downstairs to the smell of coffee brewing.

"You're up early." Esme, my mom said as she sipped her coffee, simultaneously placing files into her briefcase.

Multitasking, she called it.

"So are you." I noted, grabbing a cup of coffee of my own. Esme raised an eyebrow but said nothing.

Smart woman, my mom.

"I have a new patient coming in later in the week. Her doctors are sending over her files for me to review before I treat her." She turned away from me as she spoke and I immediately knew she was upset over this new patient.

I nodded, digesting this. "Bad case?"

"I think so." Her eyes took on a sad look revealing what I knew she wouldn't say. Doctor patient confidentiality and all that.

Esme was one of those people who had a true heart of gold. Biologically she wasn't my mother, just like Carlisle, her husband, wasn't my father.

They were my parents though in every way that counted.

When I was little, my real parents had died in a car crash. I was with them and the doctors considered it a miracle that I survived. But with no one else to care for me, I was sent to a state orphanage in Chicago. Incidentally, it was the same orphanage Esme Cullen did her pro bono work in.

Unable to have children herself anymore due to a horrible miscarriage, I reminded her of the child she lost. He would have been the same age as me had he lived.

A few weeks after we met, Esme and Carlisle drew up the paperwork and I officially became a Cullen.

Two years later, they decided I needed a brother or a sister and that's when Alice nearly literally and fatefully dropped into their laps. Technically, she wasn't even up for adoption but her real mother was so screwed up and Alice was so little even though we were the same age, her mother all but threw Alice into Esme's arms when she was promised a big fat check in return.

Mom and Dad didn't care about the money, they cared about Alice and the fact that her mother wanted to dump her in an institution so she could go find herself again.

Esme had snapped at her and told her to go look in the mirror if she wanted to find herself. I had never seen her so angry. At seven years old, she became my hero.

Until I saw the Batman movies.

Emmett came soon after purely by accident. He was left abandoned in the woods and with no one to claim him, Esme and Carlisle did what their hearts told them to do and brought him into the fold too.

We often joked that he was raised by bears. He looked like one too. Well, without the hairy body. At 6'5", he was an intimidating mother fucker but had the heart of a teddy bear. Unless of course, you messed with someone he cared about. Then you could expect a size fourteen shoe rammed so far up your ass, you could taste the leather.

I'd seen it happen.

It was _not_ a pretty sight.

We were a family...maybe not traditionally but that's what we were.

I grinned trying to relieve the tension I could see in my mom's face. "Do your patients know you do the Jedi mind trick on them?" I said as I waved my fingers in front of her.

She rolled her eyes, laughing as she slapped my hands away. "No and don't tell them. It's a trade secret."

"So, can you sign my absentee note for Friday?" I asked her going completely off topic.

Esme took one last sip of her coffee, tossed the rest of the contents of her cup down the sink drain and nodded. "Just hand me a pen and paper."

Unzipping my book bag, designer of course, courtesy of Alice, the fashion queen, I ripped a piece of paper from my notebook and handed her the pen that was in my pocket. I could care less if I carried a paper sack with my books in it but Alice warned me it would be detrimental to her health _and mine_ should I do so.

I tended to listen to Alice when she made threats like that. She may be small but she could be damn scary.

Esme scribbled out a few words, signed her signature with flourish and handed it to me.

I stuffed in my pocket and grabbed my book bag.

"You're leaving _now_? Aren't you going to wait for Emmett and Alice?"

"Nah." I shook my head. "Alice takes _way_ too long to get ready and Emmett and she will ride with Rose and Jasper anyway.

Rose and Jasper Hale were my sibling's significant others. Ever since we moved to Forks from Chicago a year and a half ago, they were attached by their hips..._and_ their lips.

Have I also mentioned how much I hate being the proverbial fifth wheel? But they were pretty much the only friends I had here so I had to deal if I wanted to talk to anyone besides myself.

They all considered me a loner. Maybe I was.

Truthfully, I enjoyed having the time to myself. I was more of a cerebral person, often accused of living too much inside my head or in front of my piano. I actually preferred that when I compared it to the general bullshit of everyday life.

"Hmmm." Her brow furrowed at me.

"Don't look at me like that."

Esme despaired that I would ever find someone. She used to ask all the time if there was a girl I was particularly fond of. Her choice of words, not mine. My answer was always no.

She had since stopped asking.

It's not that I wasn't interested in girls. I just wasn't interested in _these_ girls...all carbon copies of each other…vapid, with the same hair, same painted on make-up and vacuous stares if you used words more than three syllables long, all obsessed with popularity, clothes and thought of nothing more significant than what they were doing on any given Friday night and with who.

I wanted someone with substance. I wanted what Depeche Mode sang about in the song, "Somebody."

I was such a fucking sap.

Who was I kidding, anyway?

_In Forks?_

Where girls like Jessica Stanley and Lauren Mallory were considered the top of the food chain? No thank you. So not gonna happen.

Not unless a miracle occurred.

An inner voice said, "just maybe."

I wanted to punch the owner of that voice. Wait, that was me…my inner Jiminy Cricket that liked to sometimes fill my head with unattainable wishes…oh and let's not forget the self-criticism either.

"Okay then, have a good day at school." She kissed my cheek. "Love you."

"Love you too, Mom."

Driving onto the school lot, I caught glimpse of a giant, nearly dilapidated, red Chevy truck.

I think it was older than my parents. Or very close.

There was an interesting story there.

I wanted to know who drove it. They deserved a hand shake and a pat on the back for daring to get behind the wheel.

The hallways were still empty...peaceful even.

No incessant droning, no high pitched squeals, no jumping high fives or rooster posturing.

I liked it.

I could hear voices coming from the office where I was headed.

Mr's Cope, Mike Newton...the kid and his voice never failed to grate on my last nerve and a female voice...one I didn't recognize. It sounded normal...just a bit husky and not at all the whiny pitch of what I had become used to.

And it shot straight to my crotch like a heat seeking missile.

My pace picked up until I stood peeking in the doorway.

I saw _her_.

The heat in my crotch spread quickly to my other limbs. I felt tingly and maybe a little nauseous.

It was another WTF moment and I didn't want to examine it too closely just yet. Maybe I was coming down with something.

Heart shaped ivory face, mahogany hair that framed her face in abundant waves and the largest chocolate brown eyes I had ever seen...way too large for her small features.

But it worked for her.

She _was_ beautiful.

_Whoever_ she was.

And Newton, damn him, was panting after her like a dog in heat.

She didn't look impressed. Actually, she looked a little annoyed.

Smart girl.

Newton was a dick jockhead with a reputation...a bad one.

This was getting better and better.

Her body was hidden inside a bulky coat but I could tell she was small.

Petite, I corrected myself. Girls like to be called petite, as Alice reminded me more times than I could count.

Man up, Cullen. Stop staring like a stalker and get in there.

Game face on, I walked into the room trying to pretend I didn't notice her.

"Ahh, Mr. Cullen. How are you this fine morning?" Mrs. Cope greeted me cheerfully.

Like I've been mauled by cupid's arrow, you?

"Wonderful, Mrs. Cope." I said instead. "I have a note for last Friday." I handed her the piece of paper that was now crumpled.

She made a face as she smoothed out the wrinkles over her desk making a show of inspecting every word.

I turned around but the beauty was already gone.

Damn it.

"Mrs. Cope, was that a new student?" I asked turning on the charm, willing to grovel even for the 411 on the new student.

Her face brightened. "Why, yes. Isabella Swan."

I silently tested the name on my tongue and my lips and liked the feel of it there.

Isabella.

Isabella Swan.

"She's the police chief's daughter." Mrs. Cope added.

Huh.

That was unexpected. Not that I was on a first name basis with Charlie Swan but he always reminded me of the quintessential bachelor type that existed on take out food and Ramen noodles. I'd even seen his patrol car parked outside the Forks Diner on many occasion.

Who knew _he_ had a daughter stashed away?

More importantly, what brought her here now?

Not that I'm complaining or anything.

* * *

><p>She was uncomfortable with all the attention. I noticed that right away when I caught glimpses of her in the hallways in between classes. I forgot how much of a big deal it was here when a new student arrived.<p>

I remembered now how everyone wanted to know our business. With enough monosyllabic answers people eventually got the hint that I just wasn't interested in making new friends. They began to call me snob after that.

Maybe I was.

Or maybe I was just discerning about who I kept company with.

I never liked fake people and Forks High had more than it's fair share.

Emmett immediately became Mr. Popularity sports jock and Alice, well they considered her too weird and maybe too eager. She never let that burst her bubble of optimism though. I had to give _that_ to her.

All morning I waited for Isabella Swan to be in one of my classes. Correction - Bella Swan, as I overheard some of the guys talking.

She wasn't. It left me feeling oddly disappointed.

At lunch, Emmett, Jasper, Alice, Rosalie and I ditched the cafeteria and headed out to the football field to take lunch there. If it wasn't raining outside, we never ate with the other kids. I couldn't deal with the immature chatter of the lunchroom and if the others had decided not to join me I'd probably eat in my car.

"So what do you think of the new girl?" Rosalie asked.

This caught my attention. Briefly I wondered if Rosalie was asking because even though she was beautiful, she couldn't stand the thought of competition. Not that she had anything to worry about with Emmett. She was just that way.

Jasper shrugged. "Too soon to tell."

"Well, I like her." Alice said with a smile. "I have a feeling she and I are going to be great friends."

I rolled my eyes. My sister, the cockblocker.

"Me too." Rose smiled back.

Now _that_ was a surprise. Rose was a decent person once you got past her prickly armor but it took _forever_ to do that. The fact she was so open with her approval of a girl she didn't know was shocking.

"Really?" I guess Emmett was just as surprised as I was.

Jasper and Rosalie had a tough upbringing. Their mother was an alcoholic and Jasper had the crap beat out of him for trying to keep their mother's boyfriend from raping Rosalie. Their mother sobered up pretty quickly after that and hasn't touched a drop since but the damage had already been done.

"I don't know." Rosalie tried to explain. "I never spoke to her but she seems different."

"Pure."

Shit, did I say that out loud. I needed a verbal filter

"_Exactly_." Rose beamed a smile.

"I can see that." Jasper nodded thoughtfully.

"Ooh, Eddie's got it for the new chic." Emmett teased and threw a football at me.

I caught it just before it hit my face and threw it back at him. "Fucker."

Emmett guffawed. "I bet that's exactly what you want to do, virgin boy."

That was war.

Before I knew it we were involved in a full blown game of tossing the football at eachother. It felt more like dodge ball.

As I caught the ball again, I felt a tingling sensation on the back of my neck. Without thinking, I whipped around. That was when I saw her looking up at the cloudy sky.

And my hand let go of the ball sending it flying in her direction. I watched in horror as Emmett ran to intercept it.

I took off towards them waving my hands in the air hoping she would see me at least.

But no, she was still looking up.

The ball was still in the air.

And Emmett was still running to intercept.

"Heads Up!" I shouted frantically.

"I got it! I got it!" Emmett shouted as he ran in her direction and jumped in the air to catch the ball.

I saw Bella jump backwards and land on the ground.

_Please don't be hurt, please don't be hurt_

"Emmett, you fucker! Look where you're going next time." I yelled at him out of worry for the brunette half laying half sitting on the ground.

"Sorry! I didn't see her. She wasn't there before."

I almost felt bad for him. He looked like he wanted the earth to swallow him whole.

"That's because you're blind as a damn bat." I muttered.

She looked stunned as she stared up at me with those big brown eyes of hers. I crouched down so I could get a closer look, hoping she really was alright. I didn't think Emmett had collided with her but I couldn't be sure.

"Hey, are you okay?" I asked as I helped her to a sitting position.

"Yeah…just wasn't planning on playing…" She looked over at Emmett as he clutched the football in his large grip. "…football today."

Ooh, she was sarcastic too. I couldn't help but smile.

"Next time bring protective gear." I said, trying to joke back.

Really? I thought to myself. You get A's on essay papers and that's all you can come up with?

It was official. I had turned into a tongue tied idiot.

"I'll remember that, thanks." She muttered in an acerbic tone.

And feisty too…hmmm.

"I am so, so sorry." Emmett said crouching down next to me. I rolled my eyes. Big baby. "I didn't see you. I swear."

"You need to watch where you're going." I slapped him in the back of the head.

"Well, Edward, you dumb ass, you're the one that threw the ball!" he shouted back.

It was true. I did. I was an idiot _and_ an ass. It was just the sight of her suddenly standing there combined with the tingling...I just lost control of the ball. I wouldn't tell Emmett that though…not unless I wanted to be the butt of his jokes for the next century.

"Don't worry about it." She waved her hand dismissively "I've had worse."

She looked down at her arm and twisted her arm to look. I followed her movement with my eyes.

I wasn't smiling anymore.

Blood coated the sleeve of her shirt by her elbow.

"You're bleeding." I grabbed her sleeve hoping to pull it up to get a better look. "Let me see."

"No!" She yanked her arm away quickly. "I mean...it's okay. I can take care of it myself."

Didn't she understand that I wanted...no, needed to help her? It made me suddenly angry that she wouldn't let me do this for her...for my peace of mind.

Tone it down a notch, Cullen, my inner jiminy warned. You don't want to scare the girl.

"Don't be absurd, Bella."

It came out sounded emotionless and flat.

Wonderful. Now I sounded like a dick. Why couldn't I get this right?

"How do you know who I am?"

I couldn't help but laugh. She just fell on her ass, is bleeding and she wants to know how I know her name?

Her unpredictability in the midst of everything inane was refreshing.

I think I fell a little deeper then into her haunted brown eyes.

And yes they were haunted. I wanted to know why.

"I think the whole town knows who you are, Bella Swan." I held my hand out hoping she would comply. "Now, please, let me take a look?"

"Maybe you should." Emmett said nervously looking at the blood seeping through her sleeve. "He's really good at this sort of thing."

She stood up quicker than I thought she would, favoring her arm. "Thanks but I think I'll just go to the nurses off and grab a bandage."

"So stubborn." I muttered before sighing and standing up as well. "Okay then, have it your way."

There was nothing I could do for now.

"You better not have ruined my chances to be her friend." Alice scowled as Emmett and I approached them.

Rose was smirking and Jasper was trying to fight for composure. Alice would surely swat him if he burst out laughing at her.

"Nah." Emmett ruffled her hair. "She was cool. Not pissed at all."

Alice looked to me for confirmation. I shrugged.

"Yeah, she was really…" amazing. "…cool."

"You know if that were Jessica Stanley, she would have been pitching a hissy fit." Rosalie remarked with a grin.

She was picturing it in her head. I know she was. I don't think anyone at this school hated Jessica more than Rosalie did.

"I don't know." Jasper said cocking his head the side. "She might have played damsel in distress. It _was_ Edward that threw the ball." He smiled. "Oh Edward, help me please." He said in a falsetto voice and batted his eye lashes.

I snorted. I couldn't help it. "Jazz, I'd date you before I'd date her."

* * *

><p>I was only in a smattering of AP classes and biology was one of them. Unfortunately it was right after lunch and the smell of formaldehyde that seemed to permeate the room didn't make for a good finish for any meal.<p>

Mr. Banner lumbered into the room. He reminded me of the stereotypical science teacher with the wrinkled clothes that always managed to be covered in chalk dust by the end of the day, a lopsided walk, hair in disarray and dark circles under the eyes like he was spending more time in the chemistry lab than sleeping. He also had a _very_ dry sense of humor.

Today he chose to aim it in my direction.

"Mr. Cullen."

"Yes, Sir?" I straightened up from my slouch in the seat.

"I hope you know how to play well with others."

I ignored the snickers in the back of the room.

Immature fucks.

"Why is that, Sir?" I asked only because I knew he was waiting for me to ask.

"Well, I am_ so_ glad you asked." He smiled. "You are getting a lab partner today. No more sitting alone."

If he meant to piss me off, he was doing a lousy job. The news thrilled me. I knew exactly who I was getting as a lab partner. There was no other new student in the school.

As if on cue, Bella Swan entered the room quietly, trying to be as unobtrusive as possible. She must have borrowed a shirt from the nurses office because the one she was wearing now was different and not stained with blood.

Her eyes widened when they landed on me as she scoped the classroom. I offered a slight smile.

Mr. Banner directed her to the seat at my lab table as I moved my stack of books to make room for her.

Someone up there likes me today.

I don't know why but when she sat down, I couldn't help but inhale deeply.

Maybe it was relief.

And then I caught it. A scent. Outside when I had smelled it, I thought it was just something in the air but now that she was sitting next to me in the classroom, it was more concentrated. It was her. I wracked my brain trying to figure out what it was.

"How is your arm?" I asked her.

I wanted to lean in closer to her but I didn't dare. Everything about her screamed skittish.

"Fine." She smiled awkwardly. "I slapped a bandage on it and it's as good as new."

She made a weird face that made me think otherwise.

"Are you sure?"

"Why would I lie?" She seemed insulted.

I ducked my head down and smiled ruefully at myself pretending to be interested in the doodles I was creating on the paper in front of me.

"I don't know." I said honestly.

It was then that I recognized that scent. It reminded me of hot summers and sandy beaches and picnics on the 4th of July.

"Strawberries."

"Excuse me, What?" Bella turned to me with a confused expression on her face and I felt my ears get hot.

Shit, I said that out loud.

"I said that out loud, didn't I?"

She nodded looking at me like I was a nutcase on a day pass.

Think of something quick, Cullen.

"It's um…I was just having a craving for strawberries"

Good save.

"Hmmm, do you often blurt out your cravings in the middle of class?"

I nearly choked on my own saliva.

Oh, Bella. You don't want me to go there just yet.

She must have realized how she sounded because her entire face turned beet red, or maybe I should say, strawberry red.

Speaking of cravings, indeed.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N - Thank you all for the reviews so far. Please keep them coming if you are so inclined.

* * *

><p>"Strawberries."<p>

"Excuse me, What?"

I wondered of he had some weird sort of turrets that caused him to spontaneously burst out names of varied fruit instead of swearing.

Then I saw his ears turn pink. I never saw anyone blush just on the ears before. It was strangely endearing and kinda cute.

"I said that out loud, didn't I?" He said sheepishly, ducking his head with an embarrassed grin.

I nodded, still focused on his pink ears.

How does he do that?

"It's um…I was just having a craving for strawberries"

"Hmmm, do you often blurt out your cravings in the middle of class?"

I didn't notice the innuendo until he started choking back a bark of laughter. Could the earth just open up and swallow me now? I could feel the heat of my blush creep up my neck and onto my cheeks.

"Only when there's a pretty girl to listen to me." He said then quickly turned away.

Mr. Banner's lecture on one celled organisms suddenly became very interesting even though I already knew the information.

He had to be playing me. I wasn't pretty. Nor was I deserving of being called that.

"So," Mr. Banner clapped his hands together with more enthusiasm that I thought possible considering the topic of discussion. "You will all find slides on your desks next to the microscopes. You and your lab partner will have the task of identifying these fascinating creatures."

Edward grabbed the microscope and slid it over to his side of the table.

"May I?" He asked politely.

I shrugged. "Knock yourself out."

He bent his head over the microscope, moving the knobs expertly to bring the image into focus.

"Paramecium." He stated a a little smugly and began to write in his notebook.

"May I?" I asked.

Not that I didn't trust his identification but I had done this lab before.

He gave me a one sided grin and slid the microscope over to me. "Knock your socks off."

"Paramecium." I agreed making a notation in my fresh new notebook.

"Kind of looks like an anchovy, doesn't it?" He whispered conspiratorially.

I had to admit, it did and was glad I hated anchovies because after he said that I didn't think I'd ever be able to look at one the same way again.

"You're not having a craving for anchovies now, are you?" I asked him suspiciously, raising my brow.

What was it about Edward Cullen that made me relax enough within my own guilty skin to crack jokes like any other teen?

"Now that's just gross."

He gave me a look of such horror that I laughed.

I. _Laughed._

When was the last time I did that? I could't remember.

And he laughed with me.

That's when I realized I couldn't do this...couldn't be this normal person that joked in class that began to feel something I couldn't want with a boy that I couldn't have.

And my smile died. Just like that.

So did Edward's and I felt horrible for it.

He had a beautiful smile. He should always be smiling.

"Is something wrong?" He asked me, his eyebrows furrowing in concern as he scrutinized my tense profile.

I fought the urge to look at him. I didn't want to see the perplexed look in his eyes that I knew was there.

"We're going to get in trouble." It wasn't completely untrue, which made the lie roll off my tongue a bit easier.

I had never been a good liar.

Our conversation through the rest of the lab remained stilted and focused on the assignment in front of us.

"What's your next class?" Edward asked me as I packed up my books when the bell rang.

Pulling the class schedule from my front pocket, I scanned the computer printout and made a face.

"Gym." I said with a scowl.

I hated gym.

"Not one of your favorite subjects?" His green eyes were sparkling.

He found me amusing. I wasn't sure how I felt about that.

"Definitely not."

I had ended up in the ER on more than one occasion because of gym class.

"My sister is in your class then. Alice Cullen."

"You should warn her to stay away from me if she values her limbs in tact."

"Oh really." His eyebrow shot up and he smirked.

I nodded. "I should come with a label that says "Warning: Attempting to engage in physical activity with this human may be hazardous to your health."

I cringed when I considered how true that was...and unfortunately it wasn't only in regards to sports.

Edward threw his head back and laughed uproariously. Other students turned to us in shock and surprise, whispering as they rushed out of the room.

That was...strange, I thought as I watched them leave the room. You would think they never saw anyone laugh before.

"You are one of a kind, Bella Swan." He said when his laughter faded and he turned his green eyes, full of mirth, back to me.

I think that's when I started to fall for Edward Cullen and it saddened me to know I had to stop it before it ever started.

* * *

><p>Standing there in my jeans and borrowed shirt, I stood out like a beacon among my classmates; all identically dressed in their standard issue gym uniforms.<p>

Many of their faces now recognizable as students I had shared classes with through out the day. Next to me in the line was Mike Newton who had situated himself next to me as soon as he saw me and next to him stood Jessica Stanley.

_Of course._

As I scanned the other faces, I wondered which one belonged to Alice Cullen; Edward's sister.

Ms. Bernard, the gym teacher, called out attendance much like a drill sergeant would. She was a scary looking woman with short dark cropped hair like a man and a bullish face.

Did Ms. Bernard used to be Mr. Bernard?

She turned that face on me and I gulped.

"Who are you?" She said eyeing me up and down, frowning when she noticed my non-gym attire.

"Bella Swan."

"Right." She nodded. "New girl. See me in my office after class and we'll see about a gym uniform for you."

Wonderful.

Would that mean I get a reprieve from playing to today? The volleyball nets set up side by side across the waxed wooden planked floor hadn't missed my notice.

"Obviously, we can't have you playing when you're not prepared." She added answering my silent question.

My relief was visible and as I would find out, short lived. I turned to walk towards the bleachers content to just sit there for the rest of the period and maybe start on the homework I had received from my other classes so far.

Apparently, Ms. Bernard had other ideas.

"Where are you going Ms. Swan?" She called out to me.

I stopped short and turned around aware of a few nervous snickers. "Um, since I can't play..." I motioned towards the wooden bleachers.

She shook her head. "Physical education implies some sort of physical activity. Since you are unable to participate in volleyball today, you may walk around the perimeter of the gym for the rest of the class."

Wow. Ms. Bernard obviously took her job very seriously.

Besides being picked last for someone's team, could this be any more humiliating?

"Ms. Bernard? I could walk around with Bella so she doesn't feel so isolated and I could tell her some of the things you have taught us so far this year."

I looked down the line of students to see who my savior from complete embarrassment was. A girl whose dark head looked like it could barely clear the bottom of the volleyball nets turned towards me and winked.

"Why didn't I think of that?" Mike muttered under his breath beside me causing Jessica to make a face like she just sucked on a lemon.

I reminded myself to tell her I had no interest in Newton, whatsoever.

Ms. Bernard's face was thoughtful. "Good idea, Miss Cullen. Okay then, the rest of you line up in the teams we started last week."

Cullen? _Alice Cullen?_ That must be Edward's sister. I would have never guessed this little pixie looking girl that was walking towards me was related to Edward. They looked nothing alike.

"Hi I'm Alice." She said with a smile and a twinkle in her eye.

"Thank you." I whispered. "I think you just saved me from a walk of shame."

She already knew who I was so it was pointless to introduce myself.

She waved her hand in dismissal. "No worries, I'm not much of a volleyball player." She pointed to the top of her head. "Obviously."

"Neither am I." I admitted ruefully as we began our walk around the gym.

"But you're not _that_ short."

"No." I said looking down at her. At 5'3", I was anything but tall but next to Alice I felt like a giant. "However, I am _that_ physically challenged at least where sports of any kind are concerned."

She laughed. "So am I. Unless you consider marathon shopping a sport. Then I am gold medal material." She cast a curious sideways glance at me. "Do you like to shop Bella?"

Me? Like to shop? No. Now, even less. Fluorescent lights and dressing room mirrors were so unkind.

"No." I told her.

She looked surprised and tapped her finger against her chin.

"Hmmm, well maybe I can change your mind. We should go shopping sometime soon. Not in Forks though." Her face scrunched in distaste. "The stores are atrocious here."

It wasn't a _completely_ horrible idea, I thought shocking myself. Most of my wardrobe was for warm weather temperatures. Forks was downright arctic compared to what I was used to.

In the face of what I lived through, buying cold weather clothes was not even a thought.

My mind went back to the day I threw all my short sleeved shirts out in a rage, knowing I'd never be able to wear them again.

It had scared the shit out of Charlie to find me violently dumping all my clothes on the floor having a panic attack as I did so.

I remembered him sinking down on the floor next to me, grabbing me into a hug and rocking me back and forth while I saturated his shirt with my tears.

It was the first time he hugged me in years.

"Bella?"

I snapped back to the present. Alice was watching me with wary eyes.

"Are you okay?" She placed her hand on my arm in concern.

I flinched.

She withdrew.

"I'm fine." I tried to reassure her with a small smile.

I didn't know how to do this.

"You don't want to go shopping, do you?" She sounded a little uncertain and a lot deflated.

It made me feel horrible. I wondered what she had seen in my face...what I let break through the wall that I so meticulously built.

I shrugged. "I guess I could use some new clothes."

Where did that come from?

She looked so ridiculously happy. It was like I told her she had won ten million dollars. I couldn't change my mind now. Not unless I wanted to feel like a complete heel by hurting her feelings.

"Oh, I know Rose will probably want to come too. We could make a whole day of it. Just us girls…"

Rose? Who was Rose?

"…maybe we can get massages too. I know a great place…"

Massages? I started to feel panic. What was I committing myself too? I couldn't get a massage. I didn't even know if I could go shopping.

"…I'm starting to overwhelm you aren't I?" Alice said sheepishly.

She must have noticed the deer in headlights look on my face.

"Yeah…a little bit." I admitted. "You're very…um…enthusiastic."

"Sorry. I've been told it's a fault of mine."

"No, it's okay really. It's my fault. I'm not a big fan of having strangers touch me."

Alice gave me an odd look and I wondered if I said too much. But then she shrugged it off.

"It's okay. We'll save the massages for another time."

By the end of the class Alice and I exchanged phone numbers and never once in our entire conversation did the topic of her brother come up.

Doing that might have revealed far too much.

* * *

><p>English was my last class of the day.<p>

It was right after my Spanish class.

Someone with a twisted sense of humor must have put my schedule together.

The teacher did the obligatory introduction of me to the class and gave me the reading list. I really couldn't imagine anyone _not_ knowing who I was at this point. Even the sophomores and seniors knew me by name.

I sat in the seat I was directed to and looked over the book list. I didn't know whether to be relieved or disappointed that I had read most of these before.

"So I heard you made my sister's day."

Frowning in confusion, I looked up to see Edward Cullen sitting at the desk next to me.

"I did?"

I couldn't image me having much of an impact on anyone for anything…well unless it was something bad.

"You agreed to go shopping with her." He explained as if that had made all the sense in the world.

"It's no big deal." I shrugged, uncomfortable with his praise.

Edward smiled. "To Alice, it _is_ a big deal and very nice of you. She told me you weren't big on shopping. So thank you."

Weird. What else did they discuss about me? _Why_ were they discussing me?

And why was he _thanking_ me?

"You don't have to thank me for being nice to your sister. She seems like a very genuine person."

His ears turned pink…again.

"Oh she is." He agreed. "Just not many people "get" Alice. She can be a little…er…overzealous" He explained. "But don't tell her I told you that." He added quickly as if he realized he said something he shouldn't have.

Translation – Alice didn't have many friends. Sadly, I could relate to that.

* * *

><p>"So how was your first day of school?" Charlie asked me.<p>

We were on our way to the grocery store. He had eagerly relented in giving up control of his outdated kitchen to me. Otherwise, I would have a future filled with such culinary delights as chef boyardee, hungryman dinners, tuna mac and cheese and let's not forget hamburger helper.

"Um...fine." I answered him as I grabbed a metal cart.

He sighed. Charlie hated my monosyllabic answers. "Did you make any friends?" He prodded.

A lot of people tried to make friends with me or should I say acted like I was a curiosity they wanted to figure out.

"It was only my first day."

"So, I'll take that as a no then." He sounded so disappointed.

As I tossed a head of lettuce in the cart, I decided to throw him a bone.

"Well, I may have made plans to go shopping at some point."

"That's great Bells, really great." His whole face lit up. "With who?"

"Why? Planning on doing a background check?" I teased.

He probably would do it too.

He laughed. "I might."

"It's Alice Cullen."

"Cullen, huh?"

The way he said it wasn't encouraging.

I didn't know if it had to do with Alice or the fact that I just tossed a bunch of green vegatables in the cart.

"Is something wrong with Alice Cullen?"

"No, all the Cullen kids are great. Never gave me a lick of trouble."

Huh. It must be the green vegatables then.

We passed by the fruits and my eyes caught on the strawberry display.

"I was just having a craving for strawberries."

Before I was even aware of what I was doing, the strawberries made there way into the cart.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N - Thanks for all the reiviews so far, please keep them coming. FYI this story is more emotional journey than action BUT there will be some of that too.

* * *

><p>Edward POV<p>

I had watched her sudden laugh fade as quickly as it came replaced by a look of shame and I couldn't decipher where it came from. It felt like the sun that had just spread it's warmth and light on me became overshadowed by a dark cloud leaving me feeling cold and desolate.

It bothered me that I couldn't figure out why.

She remained quiet the rest of class; focused only on speaking about the lab assignment no matter how much I tried to draw her out…catch a glimpse of the wit and humor that she had so freely given only moments before.

I wanted to bask in that light again.

When the bell rang, I knew I couldn't let her leave the class without talking to her again about anything except biology.

So I had asked her what her next class was.

Not my wittiest line but it did in a pinch.

Gym, she said and I could tell by the scowl on her face that she wasn't pleased _at all_. I was. My sister was in that class with her. I knew the little pixie wouldn't hesitate to try to strike up a conversation with her. Maybe she would actually make another friend.

We were kind of outcasts by association. I certainly didn't care. Outcast, snob...it all amounted to the same thing. I could give a fuck what other kids here thought of me. No one said anything to us, not anymore...not when they were so terrified of me, Jasper and Emmett. They just avoided us.

And I was better than okay with that.

Would Bella avoid us too once Jessica Stanley and Lauren Mallory sunk their malicious claws into her and they told her the lies that were stained with the barest enough hint of truth to make them believable?

Something inside me twisted at the thought.

I'm sure I would find out soon enough.

She really was adorable though.

Most girls wouldn't hesitate to brag at how graceful they were but Bella, it seemed, was not like most girls. She thought she should come with a warning label.

She _should_ but not for the reasons that she thinks.

Warning: Close proximity to this girl may cause heart palpitations and a propensity for tied tongue syndrome in members of the opposite sex.

Yeah, that was wholly more accurate.

I couldn't help but laugh…loudly.

I never really laughed like that and I laughed harder as I saw the other kids swallow back their shock and scatter like roaches.

They must have thought I finally lost it.

Maybe I did.

Bella was definitely one of a kind and I didn't hesitate to tell her so.

My mind still focused the complexities of Bella Swan and subsequently the unfamiliar feelings I was having, I made my way to my Trig class.

Jazz wasn't here yet, I noticed as I sat down. I needed to talk to him.

Jazz was the most loyal friend you could ever have. It was too bad the other assholes in this town couldn't get past his…well…past. That was the thing about small towns. Old shit was kept alive for generations and everyone knew everyone's life story.

I was smart. I kept to myself and didn't share squat with anybody unless I thought I could trust them. Which was rarely. In Chicago, I at least had a sense of anonymity. It was too big for anyone to really care about your business.

Not in Forks…or "Fucks" as Jazz liked to call this Podunk town. I had asked Jazz once why he called it Fucks and he replied "because the town was full of them."

It was. There were some nice kids here; like this quiet girl Angela and her boyfriend Ben but for the most part…yeah…I had to agree with Jazz.

He was itchin' to get out (and probably take my sister with him) and I had to admit, I wasn't too keen on the place either.

My parents on the other hand loved it. Esme had seen a picture of the house we lived in now in an architectural magazine and that was it. New jobs secured, bags packed and we were on a plane.

She said it was destiny.

When I asked her how she knew she said her whole body tingled. That's what destiny felt like. It sounded weird coming from this woman who had degrees from Ivy League schools in psychology but who was I to question it.

I thought about her tingling comment and Bella Swan came to mind.

"I'm telling you Tyler, there is no way Bella Swan will give you the time of day."

At the mention of Bella's name, I immediately started to pay attention to the conversation Eric Yorkie was having with the obnoxiously self-absorbed bulk of steroids otherwise known as Tyler Crowley.

"She will."

I nearly choked on my laughter when he puffed his chest like a damn rooster.

"Newton already called dibs."

Dibs? Really? What were we in elementary school fighting over a turn on the swings? I wondered if Bella would get a kick out of this.

No, she wouldn't. She would hate it.

I don't know how I knew this but I did.

"Newton's not her type._ I_ am." Crowley sounded so sure of himself I wanted to slap him.

Neither of them were Bella's type.

Now how the hell did I know what her "type" was? Why should I even care? Beyond the fact that she was smart and funny in a very self-effacing way with soft mahogany hair that smelled like strawberries and deep chocolate brown eyes that hid way more than they revealed, I barely knew her.

Maybe I was wrong.

Maybe Newton was _exactly_ her type.

Maybe she left a string of broken hearted Mike Newton types behind when she moved here.

Or worse yet, what if she _still_ had a Mike Newton type in Phoenix that she talked to every night before she went to bed?

No. Mike Newton was a prick that took advantage of girls. To think of him getting his hands on Bella...

My leg started to shake up and down and my hands gripped the sides of the desk.

Someone whacked my shoulder. I came out of my Bella induced trance ready to whack the idiot back. Until I saw it was Jazz. I relaxed minutely.

"Dude. Calm the fuck down. What the fuck is _wrong_ with you?" He whispered harshly behind me.

"Mr. Hale, Mr. Cullen, is there a problem?" Mr. Raines, aka the Trigmaster, was staring pointedly at the two of us.

"Not at all, Mr. Raines." Jasper answered.

I, on the other hand was still too stunned by my internal freak out to form a coherent sentence.

I managed just barely to get through my trig formulas within the next forty five minutes. It didn't help that Jasper's eyes were boring a hole through the back of my head. He wanted to know what was wrong with me.

Hell,_ I_ wanted to know what was wrong with me.

"What the fuck was that all about?" Jasper cornered me after class.

My hands shot to my hair, pulling at it in agitation. I could feel my ears grow hot.

"The fuck if I know."

I was saved my any further interrogation by my sister Alice who skipped over to us and jumped gracefully onto Jasper's back.

"Hey darlin'" Jazz smiled brightly as she bent down and kissed his cheek. "You're in a good mood."

She jumped down from his back. "That's because I made plans with the new girl to go shopping and you know shopping _always_ puts me in a good mood."

"You mean Bella Swan?" I asked her.

"Well _of course_, silly. Do you know of any _other_ new girl at the school?" Apparently she wasn't waiting for an answer because she just kept going in typical Alice speed talking fashion. "She is just so nice and funny too. She told me she doesn't really like to shop but she agreed to come just like that." She snapped her fingers. "Ms. Bernard wouldn't let her play without her gym uniform so she made her walk around the gym the whole time and I volunteered to walk with her. We spent the entire gym period talking. I just knew we were going to be great friends."

I blinked. I don't think she took one breath the entire time.

Jasper was way too silent. I knew what he was thinking. Don't get your hopes up. I wanted to tell him that Bella wasn't like that but the truth was I didn't know. Not for sure.

"She is my new lab partner." I said. "I told her that you were in the same gym class."

Alice whipped her head towards me with a hurt look in her eyes.

"You_ told_ her to be nice to me?"

_Fuck_. I didn't mean that the way it sounded.

I tried to joke my way out of it.

"She actually told me to warn you to stay away from her."

I smiled at the memory. Warning label, indeed.

Alice laughed. "She did?"

"Yeah. She said something about her not being good in physical activity…that she could hurt someone."

I could feel my ears redden as I thought about the double entendre' and the vision it came with.

"Oh so that's the way it goes now does it?" Jasper smirked.

"Of course not… I just…she's just… my lab partner…and she doesn't really…know any…_Shit_." I scrubbed my face with my hands.

Alice and Jasper looked at me, both with knowing smiles on their faces. My damn ears really grew hot. Those two must be enjoying themselves watching me in all my flabbergasted glory.

I never get flustered. _Ever._ Especially, not over a girl. I _never ever_ got flustered over a girl.

Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

"So," I continued after a deep breath. Now that the cat leaped from the bag and straight into the fire.

"Did she mention me?"

"Actually Eddie…" Alice teased, drawing out the suspense, her eyes twinkling with mischief. "Your name didn't come up at all."

* * *

><p>That tingling feeling slammed into me again.<p>

Bella

_That's what destiny feels like._

Shaking my head for the crazy thought, I walked into my last class of the day.

There _she_ was; head bent and face curtained behind her hair as she sat at the desk next to mine.

I slid into my seat quietly knowing she didn't see me and couldn't help but watch her curiously just for a moment.

I wasn't the only one.

Did she even realize? Could anyone be_ that_ oblivious to their appeal as Bella Swan seemed to be?

Before anyone else could catch her attention, I spoke.

"So I heard you made my sister's day."

She looked up at me immediately, her confusion evident on her face.

"I did?"

"You agreed to go shopping with her."

She shrugged self-consciously. "It's no big deal."

But it was. She had no idea how _big_ a deal it really was. Alice was the only one of our little group that truly longed to be accepted by others but every time she reached out she was shunned. It never stopped her from trying.

I had to smile at Bella though. She looked so uncomfortable with the smallest gesture of thanks, it was surreal.

"To Alice, it_ is_ a big deal and very nice of you. She told me you weren't big on shopping. So thank you"

"You don't have to thank me for being nice to your sister. She seems like a very genuine person."

Ouch, she said it like I insulted her.

"Oh she is." I quickly backtracked. "Just not many people "get" Alice. She can be a little…er…overzealous. But don't tell her I told you that."

Alice would have my head if Bella told her about our conversation and I wouldn't blame her. Here I was worried about Jessica and Lauren and I was the one who was screwing it up.

* * *

><p>Right after the final bell rang, I went to hand in last Friday's homework assignment to the teacher. I turned around intending to walk out with Bella but she was gone; disappearing like a thief in the night, out the door leaving only the faint whisper of strawberry trailing behind her.<p>

Not of the presence of mind to play the fifth wheel today, I got into my Volvo and started to drive out of the parking lot. The big jalopy of a red truck I saw this morning was in front of me driving way too slow.

As the truck made the cautious turn to the left, I caught sight of the driver. There sat Bella Swan, her body nearly pressed up against the steering wheel as she maneuvered the beast of a vehicle with agonizing patience, completely unaware of the line of students in their cars forming behind her.

I couldn't help it. I laughed.

All the way home.

The house was uncharacteristically quiet when I walked in the door signaling no one was home. It felt peaceful and I realized how much I missed the stillness of just being; no Emmett goading me into some war game on the Xbox, no Alice nagging me to buy new clothes for what she thought was my seriously outdated wardrobe, no Carlisle regaling us with tales of hospital protocol, no Esme trying to cook something new and equally as disastrous in her gourmet kitchen as she sung out of tune to some girlie eighties song.

It had taken me a long time to get to the point where I would revel in the solace of being alone. For years after the death of my biological parents and even under the constant reassuring by Esme and Carlisle, I had suffered from abandonment issues.

Not that I could blame my parents in any way for dying. It wasn't their fault. In my mind I had always known this. Emotionally was a different story. In my first years with Esme and Carlisle, I had a deep seeded fear that every time they left, they wouldn't come back.

That changed when Emmett came to live with us. Out of all of us, Emmett should have been the one to have the abandonment anxiety. He was the only one of us that was actually abandoned on purpose.

I had asked him once when we were sitting on the swings in a park not far from where we lived as Esme watched us play as she kept Alice entertained.

"Why aren't you scared that one day this will all be gone…that _they_ will be gone?"

He shrugged his shoulders as he scraped his sneaker on the dirt. "The way I figure it is, yeah my folks dumped me but them, Mom and Dad, they found me…they wanted me. Now why would they give something back that they fought so hard to have?"

It took a little while for my young brain to digest this but then after watching and observing Esme and Carlisle, I began to believe what Esme had tried to tell me all along.

Not that I was completely cured of my issues. I wasn't…even now. It was hard for me to make friends… well, with the exception of Jasper and Rose. I almost didn't want to. They couldn't leave me…hurt me if I stayed emotionally detached, right?

That's why this situation with the luscious Miss Swan had me in a tailspin. This was the first time not only did I _not_ want to run in the opposite direction, this was the first time I wanted to chase.


	6. Chapter 6

Bella POV

Last night was a bad night.

I woke up screaming, pummeling Charlie's chest with my fists, thinking he was Phil, begging him not to kill "my mommy", begging him not to kill me. He was trying to wrap me in a bear hug, console me with words of comfort that after many moments of his hushed whispering, they finally took hold.

It left me feeling completely horrified and ashamed.

I didn't get any sleep after that.

Neither did Charlie, I think.

Yeah, last night was a _very_ bad night.

A steaming cup of black coffee was placed in front of me as soon as I sat down at the worn kitchen table.

"Three equals, no sugar." Charlie said gruffly.

He remembered.

And it made me feel even more disgusted with myself.

I couldn't even meet his worried gaze.

"Thanks." I mumbled cupping the mug with both hands so he couldn't see how badly my hands shook and I brought it to my lips.

He cleared his throat. "So...uh...about last night..."

My eyes raised to meet his in trepidation. He stood there uncomfortably watching me with his hand gripping the back of his neck, his eyes darting around everywhere but at me. I knew he was going to say something...unpleasant.

"I'm sorry." I whispered because really, what else could I say? Sorry, pretty much covered it all. And covered not nearly enough.

I didn't know how else to make this right for him. I didn't even know if I _could_.

He looked like he was in pain and it wasn't really until now that I recognized how much he had seemed to age since I came back in his life. The laugh lines around his eyes were deeper more creased. I didn't think they qualified as laugh lines any longer. That would imply laughing and I haven't heard much of that sound come from Charlie since he came to me in Phoenix. Even his hair seemed to be thinner and peppered with more gray.

Was I cursed to hurt everyone I loved?

A human black hole?

"I know." He said wearily as he hung his head in defeat. "It's just that maybe..." he blew out a breath and rested his hands on his hips as he looked at me once more. "I think it might be time to start taking those sleeping pills the doctor prescribed for you. You need your sleep, Bells. You can't keep living like this."

Translation – he couldn't keep living like this.

I couldn't blame him.

I stiffened, my immediate reaction was to scream an emphatic "no". He had no idea what he was asking me to do. If I took the pills, I would be trapped and suffocated by the nightmares with no way to get out. But he looked so hopeful though that I couldn't turn him down.

"Okay." I murmured. "I'll try."

His whole body seemed to sigh in relief. I guess he was expecting a fight.

"Good." He smiled as he put his gun harness on and his winter jacket on over it. "Now, I gotta get to work. Be careful on the roads this morning, it snowed some overnight and they're pretty slick."

After he left with one last worried look and a nod, I opened the refrigerator, looking for the orange juice hoping the addition of sugar in my sleep starved body would accelerate the waking process.

My eyes landed on the strawberries.

Should I?

_Could_ I?

I didn't want them to go to waste.

Before I could change my mind, I cleaned a bunch in the sink, threw them in a zip lock bag and stuck it in my book bag.

When I got to the school lot, I jumped from my truck and slipped a little on the snow covered ice. It was then that I noticed the snow chains wrapped snuggly on the tires.

Charlie.

So this was what he was doing last night after my episode. I blinked back the sting of tears threatening to spill.

"Hey Arizona!"

I straightened up quickly nearly bumping into Mike Newton, who reached out to steady me as I nearly fell again. Where the hell did he come from?

"Nice ride." He said slapping his hand twice on the cab of the truck in what I could only assume was some male sign of approval.

"Um...thanks." I said with an awkward smile. "I like it."

He walked next to me as I continued carefully towards the entrance of the school and we were soon joined by a group of others.

They were all talking and joking around with each other. I heard mentions of more snow and plans for snowball fights.

I felt claustrophobic.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Edward leaning against a silver Volvo watching me. He saluted with two fingers at his brow and smirked. I huffed and turned away.

Was he enjoying my discomfiture?

"What's Cullen staring at?" I heard a boy I was introduced to as Tyler Crowley say defensively.

"Who knows?" Mike said. "Who cares? He's a freak."

Everyone around us began to snicker in agreement.

I whipped my head to look at him. "Why do you say that?"

Mike laughed it off and shrugged. "He just _is_...they _all_ are."

I turned back to reluctantly look at Edward again, now standing with Alice, that big kid Emmett and a girl and a guy, I didn't know.

He was no longer smirking.

* * *

><p>That cryptic comment stayed with me all morning as I tried to puzzle it out.<p>

He didn't smell bad. Actually, he smelled quite good; a mixture of pine, vanilla and sunshine, I think.

He wasn't ugly; didn't have craters in his face or bad teeth. He was actually really good looking…like _model_ good looking with his bronze penny James Dean hair, piercing green eyes and lopsided smirk that seemed to hide some secret joke that only he knew the punch line of.

He seemed to dress well; although Alice dressed better. You knew her clothes were designer just by looking at them.

There was something I was obviously missing…something that wasn't…well…_obvious_. I didn't dare ask anyone.

It would make me seem too interested and I wasn't really…or so I kept telling myself.

And no one offered up any information.

Snow was coming down in full force by the time lunch rolled around. Once again, I was herded towards what I was told was the "popular" table. Of course, it just happened to be in the very center of the cafeteria where you could see and be seen by all.

I hated it.

I looked longingly at an empty table in the corner.

It looked like it had my name written all over it.

Until I saw the Cullen's walk in (I also learned Emmett was a Cullen too) with the statuesque blonde and the intense looking guy from this morning and sat at the table that captured my attention.

They were laughing and covered in snow, flicking it at each other completely oblivious to everyone else. A thought suddenly occurred to me. Maybe _they_ weren't the real outcasts, maybe to them, everyone _else_ was.

The look on Jessica Stanley's and Lauren Mallory's faces said differently though. It was that "sucked a lemon" look that I began to equate with both of them.

"So Bella…" Mike addressed me, his arm moving casually to rest on the back of my chair while he grabbed a ketchup smothered fry off my plate. "a bunch of us are going to the movies this weekend in Port A. Do you wanna come?"

Port A. They must be local speak for Port Angeles.

I leaned away from Mike trying to let him know silently that he was invading my personal space but he seemed oblivious.

"So, what do ya say, hmmm?" Tyler Crowley leaned forward from across the table, rubbing his hands together.

Everyone was waiting for an answer.

"Umm…I kind of have plans." I said looking over at the table where the Cullen kids sat. Technically, I didn't but they didn't know that,

I wasn't naïve. I hadn't been for a long time. The last thing I wanted to do was spend an evening trying to dodge stray hands in a darkened movie theatre.

"With who?" Mike said territorially, following my gaze. "Not with them?" He asked horrified as if was the worst thing in the world.

Edward looked over at us then, noticed Mike's arm on my chair, scowled and turned his attention towards Alice who looked like she was speaking a mile a minute. She looked towards me and winked.

Okay, that was odd.

"Well…" Jessica said with a sneer.

I guess she was waiting for an answer too. Why would she care? If I didn't go to the movies, she could get more of the attention she so obviously craved.

"No, not with them."

Not with anybody.

Unless Mr. Darcy counted.

"Oooh, obviously she has a hot date and doesn't want to let us in on it." Lauren teased loudly, elbowing me in the arm like we shared some secret joke.

My lips turned up slightly, mimicking as close to a smile as I could get.

Let them think that.

Maybe they would leave me alone then.

After the rather awkward lunch, I shuffled my way to Biology.

Edward was already sitting at our lab table, his head bent over his notebook as he scribbled furiously in it. He looked up startled when I placed my knapsack on the desk on slid onto the chair.

"Sorry." I said as I opened up my bag to get my books and was faced with the strawberries I had put in there earlier.

Were they still even good?

A throat clearing next to me signaled Edward may have seen the strawberries. Once again my silly blush gave me away. Hesitantly I turned towards him.

His lips were tilted upwards in an amused smirk but his eyes were locked on the ziplock bag in my knapsack. His eyebrow raised with a big question mark attached to it.

I had been caught.

Yanking the bag out, I plopped it down in front of him.

"So…uh…yeah…these are…um…for you."

So well spoken, Bella…just thrill him with your astounding conversational skills.

He wasn't laughing at me, though. I couldn't read his expression. He was awed?….or maybe shocked? Disgusted, possibly? They _were_ sitting in my bag all day after all.

He traced his fingers on the plastic, his adam's apple bobbing once..twice. "I can't eat strawberries." He said apologetically. "I'm allergic."

I was confused.

"But yesterday…you said…."

He smiled without humor. "Haven't you ever craved something you knew you could never have?"

Oh, you have _no_ idea.

I turned away, blinking furiously trying to keep my stalwart composure. That hit way too close to home.

"Yeah." I nodded still unable to face him. "Yeah, I have."

"Hey." He touched my shoulder gently but backed off quickly when he felt me flinch. "If it's going to upset you, I'll eat them anyway."

I grabbed the bag back and shoved it in with my other books. "Don't be silly." I smiled to cover my reaction to his words. "I'm not upset. Besides we wouldn't want you keeling over in class or anything. Who else would be my lab partner?"

He chuckled. "Somehow I think you wouldn't have a lack of volunteers."

The way he said it with his flirtatious green eyes sparkling, mesmerized me until I remembered that he only said that because he didn't _know_ me.

The question was did I want him to?

No.

It was too risky.

For me. For him.

I was going down alone in this sinking ship called my life.

The SS Bella Swan.


	7. Chapter 7

Edward POV

I couldn't fucking believe it when I spotted the strawberries in the small plastic bag peeking out of her knapsack. I tried to ignore the tingle and her scent...her _strawberry_ scent but when she sat down next to me as I scribbled nonsensical doodles in my notebook, she captured my full attention.

All day I was subjected to watching her being swallowed up by the "in crowd", convincing myself that that was where she wanted to be.

Now I wasn't so sure.

My mind was still focused on the disappointment and anger I felt when Newton wrapped his arm around her chair at lunch, stealing food from her plate like he was laying a claim and was announcing it to everybody. I had no clue where my anger came from. I wasn't one to feel that way over any girl, let alone one I barely knew. I had no right to it. Bella Swan certainly wasn't mine in any way, shape or form and I didn't think she would ever be.

Maybe it was because I allowed myself a small hope only to watch it disintegrate slowly as the day wore on.

And because I didn't want to hope (for reasons I did not want to examine), I didn't want anyone else to either.

"Just don't get your hopes up, Alice. That's all I'm saying." I had told my sister quietly at lunch as I forced myself to look away from Bella and the crowd around her.

She laughed at me, actually laughed.

"You have no clue do you, oh brother of mine." She said as she had picked at the cheese on her pizza with her fingers. "It's all in the body language. Can't you see the way she is leaning away from Newton? She _doesn't_ want him so close. And she keeps glancing over here. I'm telling you Edward…she's different."

Yeah, different.

"I just don't want to see you hurt." I told her.

"Alice or yourself, bro?" Emmett piped in with a knowing grin.

I didn't answer him. I didn't know what to say.

Now here I was, staring at the fucking strawberries like they were a sign from God and he was laughing at me too.

"So…uh…yeah…these are…um…for you." She stammered adorably as she took them out of her bag and plunked them in front of me.

She sounded so incredibly uncertain of herself. I wanted to tell her not to be…that she should never be…not with me.

And I was so fucking awed. I touched the plastic with an odd reverence, swallowing past the lump in my throat. I couldn't remember the last time I was truly touched. It didn't matter that I couldn't eat the damn things.

"I can't eat strawberries. I'm allergic."

I wanted to slap myself over the head. I should've just said thank you. I was a fucking moron.

Now, obviously confused, she was asking for an explanation.

I couldn't very well tell her the truth. Not without sounding like a complete tool.

I would just tell her a truth, just not_ the_ truth.

"Haven't you ever craved something you knew you could never have?"

As soon as the words fell from my mouth, I wanted to take it back. Trying to be cryptic, I realized I may have revealed entirely too much.

Mortified, I watched her face morph into an expression of such deep sadness, she turned away to shield me from it.

"Yeah, Yeah I have." I heard her whisper and the words twisted and broke something inside me.

I needed to lighten the mood for her sake and my own. We were in class after all.

"Hey" I touched her and felt something indescribable shudder through me. I wanted her to look at me again. She tensed under my hand and I immediately withdrew. "If it's going to upset you, I'll eat them anyway." I tried to joke.

"Don't be silly." She forced a smile and put the strawberries back in her bag. "I'm not upset. Besides we wouldn't want you keeling over in class or anything. Who else would be my lab partner?"

I couldn't conceal the laugh. The way she talked about herself was so absurd, it couldn't' be real. "Somehow I think you wouldn't have a lack of volunteers."

* * *

><p>My improved mood didn't last past trig class when the latest buzz on the gossip mill reached my ears courtesy of Tyler and Eric. I listened intently to their whisperings, greedy for any and all information that I could get.<p>

_Newton asked Bella to the movies_

_Bella turned him down_

_Bella had a hot date with someone else._

_Lauren thinks it's a college guy or one of the Indian kids from the Res at La Push._

_Jessica was ecstatic._

She would be. Jessica Stanley went back to panting after Mike Newton as soon as she realized that I was a lost cause to her.

"You do know that's probably all bullshit, right?" Jasper said to me right after class.

He must have heard the whispers too.

"Maybe" I replied with a shrug.

"Whatever." He jabbed my shoulder with his fist. "I gotta meet Alice. Catch ya later man."

Jazz's footsteps mingled with the dozens of others invading the hallway in between classes. I loped in the opposite direction, my eyes focused on the floor. Other kids moved out of my way, instinctively knowing I wouldn't move out of theirs.

I had this particular game of hall chicken down to an art form. I noticed if I wasn't looking straight ahead, making eye contact, people would just alter their path, afraid I'd bump into them. It never failed.

When I walked into my class, Bella's seat was still empty. I hadn't decided if I wanted to strike up conversation with her again.

You could just be her friend, asshole. So what if she has a "hot" date?

There goes my foul mouthed inner Jiminy Cricket again.

Trouble was did I just want to be her friend and if I didn't what exactly did I want to be?

Emotionally, could I be anything else?

I wasn't exactly prime relationship material.

But I couldn't deny the gravitational pull I felt towards her every time she orbited near me. There was something about her that was so ethereally fragile about her, it brought out something in me that I didn't know I had.

Just as the bell rang, Bella ran into the classroom nearly sideswiping a desk as she did so. She stumbled forward and my hand instinctively shot out to catch her if she fell although she was nowhere near me.

She whispered apologies and sat down next to me offering a small smile before opening her book.

My attention through class was split between the girl next to me and the teacher in the front of the room talking about the tragic love affair of Romeo and Juliet.

I saw her again after school as I walked towards my car. She was just standing there, head raised up towards the falling snow, the dark mahogany of her hair a stark contrast to the large white snowflakes that were falling upon it. The image it produced was intense and I wished I had a camera to capture the moment.

My feet propelled me forward before my brain could catch up. I found myself standing beside her trying to see what she saw.

She must have sensed my presence because she started to speak. Her voice had a faraway quality to it that drew me in.

"There's something about the snow, ya know? It makes even the ugliest things look sort of pretty." She nodded her head up towards a tree that had seen better days. "Take that tree over there. It's dead. It will never see another bloom but when crystalline icicles form on it's branches, the moonlight will hit it in such a way that it will look like it's alive again and it will be _beautiful_."

I gulped back the emotion that was starting to rise within me. Did she see herself as something ugly that was transformed into something beautiful by the snow? Is that why she was standing out here letting the large flakes consume her?

"In Chicago, the snow is pretty when it first falls, covering the ground in a virgin white blanket but then life happens and soon the snow is dirty and slushy." I said just to say something. "And you never, ever eat the yellow snow." I added teasingly.

She cleared her throat and looked up at me, brushing the hair from her face.

"Sounds pretty gross." She said wrinkling her nose.

"Yeah, it kind of is." I agreed with a grin. "So you like the snow, huh?"

"I've never actually seen it." She shook her head looking towards the asphalt covered in white before focusing on me again. "No, that's not exactly true. I'm sure Charlie has pictures around somewhere of me playing around in it when I was a kid. I just don't remember it."

She called her dad, Charlie. That was...interesting.

A snowflake landed right above her full upper lip and all I could do was stare at it mesmerized as it melted onto her flesh.

"You're staring." She said and blushed prettily.

I shook my head trying to clear my wayward thoughts. "I'm sorry. You just had a snowflake uh...right...there." I pointed at her lip. "It's melted now though."

Self consciously, her pink tongue darted out, curling above her lip to lick at the liquid bead. Her brown eyes never left mine. I held back a groan, watching it happen.

I wanted to kiss her.

I wanted to kiss Bella Swan.

I never wanted to kiss a girl as much or as thoroughly as I did right in this moment.

And for just a second it looked like she just might want to kiss me too.

"I should go."

Bella made a show of searching for the keys to her truck deep in the bottom of her bag.

The moment was over.

"Yeah." I awkwardly agreed looking towards my own car. "I should too."

* * *

><p>Emmett's Jeep was already parked in the garage by the time I pulled in. I could hear shouting and laughter coming from behind the house as I walked towards the front steps and knew my desire for solitude wouldn't come to fruition.<p>

"Hey, Sullen Cullen!" Is ths only warning I get before a snowball lands right in the back of my head.

"Damn it, Jasper!" I yelled, shaking the snow from my hair.

"Score! Two hundred points for the hair." Emmett laughed, giving Jazz a high five.

"Real mature guys, real fuckin' mature." I mumbled.

I swear they all conspired ways to fuck with my hair.

"You gonna let them get away with that, Eddie?"

I caught Rose looking at me with a smirk on her face. The evil gleam effect was ruined however by the clumps of snow falling from her hair. Whoever had gotten her, had gotten her good.

A slow smile spread across my face as I took the bait.

"Hell no" I whooped out right before stuffing my hand into a pile of snow and letting it fly.

* * *

><p>I was soaked...head to toe, a walking embodiment of a snowman with the cold white stuff clinging and frozen to my limbs and yes, even my hair. Shrugging out of my clothes, I hopped into a hot shower to warm up.<p>

As I closed my eyes under the torrent flow of the water, a vision of a snow covered Bella Swan swam before my closed lids. A slow motion instant replay of her tongue licking the bead of melted snow from her lip making me instantly hard.

"Shit" I whispered as my hand made contact with my erection needing to ease the ache, sliding my grip down towards the head, stroking back upwards again towards the base and back down again.

My eyes sprang open, the hot water stinging my eyes, my forehead pressing againt the tile in the shower

What the _hell_ was I doing?

You're imaging her desire flushed face beneath yours as you slide in and out.

Stroke up.

Stoke down.

Oh God, this was _wrong_.

So very wrong.

Stroke up.

Stroke down.

Faster, faster.

But for the life of me I couldn't stop.

Didn't _want_ to.

You're a pervert.

You barely know her.

Her eyes are so warm...like molten chocolate.

Faster, faster.

Her cupid bow lips are so luscious.

The way they would feel wrapped around my...

No!

Bella Swan wasn't just some nameless body in a porno magazine. She deserved better than me involving her in my fantasies.

Oh but what a decadent fantasy it was.

Jabba the Hut, Jabba the Hut, Jabba the Hut, I kept repeating to myself forcing the image of Bella Swan, laying on a field of strawberries, her legs spread open ready to receive me morph into the hideously fat Star Wars villian as my free hand reached the faucet head and turned off the hot water leaving nothing but frigid water pouring over me.

I breathed a sigh of relief.

Crisis averted.

For now.


	8. Chapter 8

BELLA POV

Dr. Esme Platt, CSW

At least that's what the gold name plate on the door said.

My hand hovered over the doorknob unwilling to make that final reach to grab the metal and turn the knob.

Behind the door I could hear a phone ringing before a muffled voice picked it up.

This is for Charlie, I told myself. You need to do this for Charlie. He's worried too much over you the past couple of months. You're going to make him sick.

Once my internal pep talk/guilt trip was done, I inhaled deeply and opened the door.

"Can I help you?" The receptionist looked up with a smile.

I adjusted my book bag on my shoulder and slowly advanced to her desk. "Um..yeah. I'm Bella…uh Isabella Swan." I said realizing that Charlie may have made the appointment under my full name. "I have a four o'clock appointment with Dr. Platt."

"Ah."' She smiled after typing on her keyboard. "Here you are. Why don't you just take a seat and I will let Dr. Platt know you're here. Would you like a cup of chamomile tea while you're waiting?"

Chamomile tea?

"Um, no thanks."

As I sat down, I took the opportunity to look around. The reception area was obviously decorated to invoke the feeling of calm and serenity from the pale blues, sage greens and even the large aquarium on the far side of the wall.

On the coffee table was a scattering of different magazines mixed with informational pamphlets on topics like cyber bullying, date rape, eating disorders and teen depression and suicide.

Where did I fit in?

Did I fit in anywhere?

Probably not.

I absently thumbed through a teen entertainment magazine without really seeing anything on the pages; just images and words blurring together as I thought.

What was she going to ask me?

What was I going to say?

How much did she already know?

Nervously, I picked at my thumb cuticles, the magazine now laying forgotten next to me on the chair.

What did she expect of me?

What did I expect from myself?

Could I do this?

My breathing started to hitch and my mouth felt desert dry.

_Phoenix_ dry.

Oh God.

Phoenix.

Renee

Mom

Phil

I was going to be sick.

I felt a cup of water pressed into my hand and someone's hand soothing circles on back.

A distant voice coaxed to me to breath.

In and out

In and out

Slowly

Steadily

Looking up I saw kind caramel eyes framed by a heart shaped face looking down at me concerned. She wasn't the receptionist which could only mean she was the doctor.

Crappity crap crap

Nice fucking way to introduce yourself, Bella.

Hi, my name is Bella Swan and I am a basket case. Good luck treating me, by the way.

Her soft voice urged me to sip the water.

"I'm sorry." I managed to squeak out when I could find my voice. "I didn't mean to freak out like that."

She nodded sympathetically. "Why don't I help you into my office and we can talk about it. Can you walk?"

I stood up, testing my balance on solid ground and nodded.

"Good."

My legs were still shaky so with one arm, she guided me to her office and sat me down on a plush sofa while she took a seat in the armchair opposite me and handed me a tissue.

I never even realized I was crying.

"I'm sorry." I repeated the sentiment again as I wiped my eyes and my nose. I could feel my face turning red with shame.

"Please don't apologize." Dr. Platt spoke softly. Her voice reminded me of musical notes painted on the breeze. "Your anxiety attacks? Do they happen often?"

So _that's_ what an anxiety attack felt like. I've had them before but never connected it with the name.

"Often enough." I shrugged trying to be casual about it. "They usually happen at night though."

In the dark

Alone in my room

Where disjointed memories disguised as nightmares still live.

There _are_ such things as monsters, Daddy.

"What triggered the one just now?"

Her tone was curious, kind.

I relaxed slightly.

"Um" I looked down at the hem of my shirt and began to play with it, curling up an edge and soothing it between my fingers. "I was worried about my first session…and uh…" I could feel my forehead crease as I thought back. "My mouth felt dry and I thought of the desert…then Phoenix and what….um…happened."

What I _could_ remember of it anyway.

I ducked my head to the side, willing myself to remain calm.

"It's okay Bella. You're doing beautifully."

I resisted the urge to snort in disbelief. If that were the case I wouldn't be here.

"But usually these episodes happen at night? Nothing during the day?"

Episodes. What a nice, innocuous term for it.

I stored the phase away for future use.

"One other time." I admitted shamefully thinking back to two nights ago when I had made ham for dinner. When Charlie took out the carving knife, I freaked out on him, cowering in a corner begging. "It was a knife." I said without elaborating. Charlie wouldn't use a knife in front of me after that. He hid them all.

An indecipherable look came over her features and she nodded silently while writing on her notepad.

"Do you have nightmares as well?"

"Sometimes." It was a lie. I woke up screaming every night.

I was sure the evidence of my lack of proper sleep was all over my face.

"Do you remember them when you wake up?"

Wake up? That would assume I went back to sleep.

"Not really."

I didn't want to remember.

Her pen scratched on her pad again.

"So how broken am I?" I asked.

The pen scratching stopped immediately and she looked at me with surprise.

"Bella, you're not broken. You're not broken at all."

I did snort then.

"You don't believe me." It wasn't a question. "Why?"

"Because I feel broken. Worse than that. I feel like I break everything around me."

I hadn't meant to say the words but they just burst out of me.

She looked at me odd, like she was contemplating something to herself.

"Have you ever heard of PTSD?"

"You mean like what soldiers get when they come back from war?"

"Very good." She smiled. "Yes like that. But PTSD can happen to anyone who has gone through a traumatic event."

Like me.

"I want to show you something." She said getting up and walking over to her extensive bookshelf and pulled out a large book.

She opened to a page and handed it to me, pointing at the title on the page.

_Post Traumatic Stress Disorder_

A few of the symptoms jumped out at me immediately

Flashbacks

Nightmares

Feeling emotionally numb

Memory problems

Difficulty maintaining close relationships

Overwhelming guilt or shame

Trouble sleeping

I looked up at Dr. Platt.

"Is this what you think I have?" My voice sounded weak and strange to my own ears.

"I think it's a good possibility." She kneeled down in front of me. "Bella, I know what happened to you but together we are going to work through this. It will be a long and painful journey but I promise it will be worth it."

Part of me wanted to believe her. The other part of me mocked saying I didn't deserve to work through anything.

So I said nothing.

* * *

><p>Charlie was trying not to hover when I came home but I could tell he was bursting with questions on how my first therapy session went.<p>

"So…uh…Dr. Platt wants to see me twice a week to start." I told him before he could ask anything I didn't want to answer.

He rubbed the scruff of his jaw and frowned. "Twice, huh?"

"Yeah…um…if that's okay? She said not to worry about the insurance, she'll handle it." I said as I checked inside the pot he had on the stove. A giant clump of spaghetti. Interesting.

I poured some jarred sauce in another pot and turned on the gas burner watching the blue flames rise.

"If it's too much…" I added.

"No, Bells. You need this. Whatever she feels is best."

I fought with the pasta trying to get the congealed mass separated enough for two servings. "Are you sure...I mean if it's going to cause insurance issues or..."

"Bella" Charlie wrapped his hand gently around my wrist and tugged. "Bella, honey stop."

I did and looked up at him. There were tears in his eyes. Not falling...just kind of sitting there. His brown orbs looked like they were swimming.

"I wasn't there for you growing up...not like I should've been..."

"No..." I shook my head emphatically.

"Now, now, let me finish." He cleared his throat. "I wasn't there then but I _am_ here now. Whatever you need, Bells, to get well again...to feel _safe_ again...we'll do. If Dr. Platt says she will take care of the insurance then she will. If she can't work it out with them, it doesn't matter. You come first. Okay?"

I nodded mutely.

"Good, good. So what did you think of Dr. Platt?" He asked as he took his plate of pasta and sat down trying to cut through it with the side of a fork.

I blinked at his sudden shift in gears. Charlie was uncomfortable with sudden outbursts of emotion and it was clear that this one was over.

"She's um...nice."

"She comes highly recommended. Helped a lot of people in this town. We're lucky to have her. Her and her husband."

Before I could ask him to elaborate, the phone rang making me jump.

"I'll get it." Charlie scraped his chair back on the old linoleum floor and wiped his face on a napkin before throwing it down on the table and getting up.

"Chief Swan." He answered. "Uh sure...she's right here...Bella it's for you." He held the phone out to me.

For me?

Who would be calling _me_?

Curiously, I took the phone from Charlie.

"Hello."

"Bella? It's Alice. Alice Cullen."

Right. I'd almost forgotten I'd given her my number.

"Hey Alice. What's up?"

"So tomorrow's Friday, right?"

"Ah, is that a trick question?"

"Maybe." She laughed. "But seriously. Do you wanna go to the movies tomorrow night? There's a great vampire flick playing in Port A."

"The movies?"

I was having deja vu.

Charlie was making motions with his hands and mouthing "Go, go."

"Yeah you know, you sit in a large room with a giant forty foot screen and eat too much popcorn and drink your body weight in soda?"

It was obvious Charlie was rooting for me to have a night out and socialize.

"Um...sure."

"Fantastic. You'll finally get to _officially_ meet Rose and of course Jasper will be there as well as Emmett and Edward."

Edward? I gulped. He had pretty much ignored me since I spoke to him out in the snow two days ago. I thought often of what I had done to offend him. Did he know Alice was inviting me to tag along?

"I figured since Saturday was your date night..." She continued.

_What?_

"Date night?"

"Yeah, don't you have a hot date or something on Saturday?"

"Uh, no. Who said I did?"

"Really?" She squealed nearly deafening me. "No date? I should know better than to listen to rumors. I'm sorry Bella. And to think I was going to ask you to go shopping on Saturday so I could help you pick out a hot outfit for your night out. Oh well, we could still go...maybe you can even sleepover Friday so we can get an early start on..."

Sleepover? With my nightmares? Out of the question.

"Whoa...slow down Alice." She was making my head spin.

I was still trying to figure out where the rumor started that I had a date.

Mike Newton. Now I remembered. I turned him down and didn't correct anyone when they made assumptions.

"Sorry. I tend to get a bit carried away. So sleepover?"

"Um..." I twisted the phone cord around my fingers nearly cutting off the circulation. "I can't sleepover but I may be able to go shopping."

"Oh" She sounded disappointed. "Well that's okay." She perked up "...another time then. We'll talk tomorrow...finalize plans and all that."

"Sure thing. See ya tomorrow."

When I hung up the phone Charlie had a broad smile on his face.

I guess I'm going to the movies.

And shopping.


	9. Chapter 9

Edward POV

"I know something that will cheer you up." Alice leaped off the granite kitchen counter and landed soundlessly on the floor.

"Who said I was miserable?" I grumbled, opening the refrigerator searching for Mom's leftovers. She was going to be late coming home and Dad had a later shift at the hospital so we had to fend for ourselves.

Hence the leftovers.

"Are you _kidding_ me right now?" She swatted my back with a dish towel.

"Ow...searching for food here."

"You have been way more broody than usual and I think I know why."

"Oh yeah?" I turned to her as I bit into a chicken leg, chewing loudly and smacking my lips just to annoy her. "Enlighten me O Psychic One." I teased.

"Ugh, you're disgusting." She scrunched her nose at me and waved her hand in front of her face.

Alice was a vegetarian so yeah, me digging into a poor defenseless chicken with relish got on her nerves…a lot.

"God wouldn't have put us on the top of the food chain if we were supposed to eat plants."

I knew that would tick her off. The truth was I wanted to get out of this discussion.

"Nope…" She shook her head and crossed her arms in front of her. "I am not going to let you goad me, this time. You cannot piss on my good mood."

Hearing Alice say the word "piss" was just _so_ wrong.

"Do you kiss Jasper with that dirty mouth?"

And she finishes with a perfectly executed hands on hips maneuver.

"Edward Anthony Masen Cullen, do you want to hear my news or what?"

Uh oh, she full named me.

"Okay pixie chic." I rolled my eyes. "I'll bite. What's your news?"

"I just got off the phone with Bella Swan." She stated smugly.

Bella Swan?

I almost choked on my chicken.

_Bella Swan_.

Ever since that first night in the shower when I brought myself to pleasure with images of her locked in my head, I couldn't look at her_…_even _talk_ to her…without wanting to touch her…without wanting to experience how those plump pink lips would really feel beneath mine instead of trapped in the fantasy of my own making.

Would her they be as soft and sweet as I imagined? Would she taste like honeysuckle , vanilla and strawberries? Would she purr soft little moans from the back of her throat as my tongue traced her lips begging to be let inside?

So instead, I said nothing…_did_ nothing. Except breathe her in.

Even that was becoming too painful to do as the delectable scent of her essence would waft over me.

What the hell was I turning into?

I was fucked.

From my peripheral vision at our lab table, I could tell she was confused by my actions and _fuck me_ if she didn't look a little sad. Or maybe that was my imagination. My hope…my desire.

If she was sad that meant she felt something. _Didn't it_?

Even if she did have a "date" Saturday night.

I didn't…no…I _couldn't_ want her. But I didn't want anyone else to have her either.

"Edward!" Alice was waving her hand in front of my face. "Did you even hear what I just said?"

"What about Bella Swan?" I forced my voice to remain neutral without inflection but the squeaky surprised tenor of it gave me away to my perceptive sister.

"I _knew_ it!" She exclaimed with a giddy clap of her hands. "Your cow eyes prove it."

"Knew what? I have no idea what you're talking about." I shoved the corning ware back into the fridge, no longer hungry. "And for the record, I don't make cow eyes."

"So then finding out Bella does not have a date Saturday night will in no way affect you."

"Nope." I shrugged and it came off stiff. Inside I was doing a mental victory dance.

Her eyes narrowed at me. "You're such a bad liar. You like her."

Unfortunately at that exact moment, Emmett came in the house and heard her.

"Who does Edward like?" He asked with an evil grin.

Please, Alice, for the love of God and all that is holy, don't say a word.

"Nobody…just some actress chic." Alice told him giving me a knowing look that screamed "you owe me."

"Oh." Emmett gave a disinterested shrug and grabbed the leftover chicken from the refrigerator and took the whole dish with him into the family room.

"Pig!" I yelled after him. "Some of us may have wanted that."

"You snooze, you lose bro." He yelled back with a laugh.

When I heard the television come on, I turned back to Alice.

"Your welcome." She said going to leave the room.

"Wait." I called out to her. "So…what was your news?"

"Oh that…" She laughed. "It's nothing. Bella's just coming to the movies with us tomorrow night."

This time I really did choke on my chicken.

* * *

><p>Even though she wasn't aware, it became my habit to wait and watch for Bella's truck to arrive in the mornings. Was it a bit stalkerish?<p>

Perhaps.

I rationalized that she was new to the area, from a warm climate where it never snowed and I wanted to make sure she made it to school okay. She didn't even remember the snow for crying out loud. How could she be expected to navigate safely over black ice and snow hills in an old truck that looked like it had seen better days?

Never mind she had been doing it for days with no incident.

Never mind that sitting here in the parking lot waiting for her wouldn't help her out in any way had she actually run off the road on the way to school.

So my plan wasn't foolproof.

It also gave me a glimpse of who the real Bella Swan was in these unmasked moments when she thought no one was watching. This was the third day in a row, I sat in my car with the heat blasting waiting for her monstrosity of a truck to turn into the lot.

And there it was. The grumbling loud engine could be heard well before it could be seen. From my position, I could see Bella's look of absolute concentration as she tried to pull into a space…backing out and pulling back in again as if she couldn't get the angle just right.

Carefully opening the door, she jumped out skating, slipping and nearly falling before catching her balance on the rim of the door. I watched her look around in mortification, her face turning red and slowly going back to her pale tone when she realized no one saw her.

No one but me.

But she had no idea I was here.

She looked tired.

_Again._

Even from the confines of my car, I could see the sunken dark circles under her eyes marking a night of no sleep.

What haunts your dreams, Bella?

Puffs of cold air from her breath surrounded her as she took a sip from her silver thermos and walked slowly towards the entrance of the school, dodging patches of ice and clumps of snow.

"Bella!"

Fuck, was that Newton again.

I searched the area for him and saw him holding the front door open for her waving her inside.

"Hurry up girl, it's freezing out there!" He shouted happily.

I snickered under my breath when I saw Bella's scowl.

The little prick had been watching her the whole time. He didn't even have the decency to help her walk to the building.

Hypocrite, Inner Jiminy shouted at me. You didn't either. You stayed in the safety of your car and watched too. How does that make you any better?

My Inner Jiminy deserved a punch in the face.

A knock on my window broke me from my inner chastisement.

Leaning his forehead against the window was Jasper and his fucking know it all smirk.

"Face off the car." I grumbled, shutting the car completely off and getting out of the car. "I don't need your nose marks on my glass."

"What were you doin' in there?" He asked, still smirking, eyes darting to Bella as she finally entered the school.

Like he didn't know.

"None of your damn business." I growled, shouldering past him.

I stopped in my tracks, pulling at my hair and turned back around. Jasper didn't deserve my crap. He had been a good friend to me since we moved here.

"I'm sorry. That was…uncalled for."

He smiled. "No worries. It's all good man." He patted my shoulder. "It's good to see the otherwise unflappable Edward Cullen so flustered."

I snorted. Flustered was certainly one way of putting it.

"So where's Alice?" I scanned the lot looking for her as we walked towards the doors.

"Oh she's already inside. She saw Bella and ran in after her." He grinned at me again. It was getting annoying. "So movies tonight, huh?"

He bumped my shoulder with his own

"Yeah" I said shoving my hands in my pea coat, staring straight ahead and blew out a misty breath. "Movies."

* * *

><p>The whole morning i felt like my skin was wrapped to tight on my body. When I should've been concentrating on the teacher; who was sounding more and more like the Peanuts version of an adult, my mind kept fast forwarding to a darkened movie theatre, a doe eyed brunette sitting next to me.<p>

Stop it.

"Mr Cullen, would you care to answer the question?"

Shit.

Normally I found psychology interesting but not today.

"Um, sorry Mr. Donnelly, can you please repeat that?"

I heard snickers behind me.

Fuckers.

"I was asking about Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. Do you know what they are?"

Easy...too easy. He thought he trapped me.

"Physiological, safety, love, esteem and self-actualization." I recited it off the top of my head.

"Very good." He nodded his head.

He continued the lesson and I continued to let my thoughts wander.

By the time I entered the cafeteria at lunch I was a fit of nerves. Not that anyone could tell. I learned over the years to keep my emotions in check.

My eyes darted over to the "popular" table looking for her. I spotted the usual suspects. Mike and Tyler seemed to be ticked about something and of course Jessica and Lauren looked smug as always.

Bella wasn't there.

Where was she?

Not on the food line.

Restroom?

Possibly.

"Edward!" I heard Alice yell. She was waving her hand fanatically trying to capture my attention. "Over here."

As if I didn't know where we always sat...in the corner...just outside the circle of everyone else.

Then my heart nearly pounded out of my chest. _She_ was sitting there...at our table; face nearly curtained by her brown locks and she had a small uncertain smile on her face as she turned to slightly look my way.

This was going to be...interesting.


	10. Chapter 10

A/N So my writing muse was kidnapped after I recovered from a nasty cold/fever thing...sorry for the delay. I struggled with this chapter and I am still not satisfied with it but I wanted to get something out. Future chaps will be better...I promise. Please review so I know you're still out there.

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><p>I didn't realize what a stir my sitting with the Cullens and the Hales at lunch would cause until I heard the quiet whisperings and felt the stares of the others around me as I followed Alice along the food line; gripping my tray knuckle white.<p>

Ever since she cornered me before homeroom, asking to join them at lunch, I felt queasy; like giant butterflies invaded my stomach and couldn't find their way out no matter how hard they tried.

"You'll know Edward, of course." She had said as if I didn't know exactly who she sat with at lunch.

Ah, yes...the same Edward that hadn't spoken to me in the past few days unless 'please pass the microscope' counted.

The same Edward, while he didn't speak to me, I felt the weight of his stare on me when he thought I didn't notice. The expression in his eyes; I was still trying to decipher.

The same Edward that for whatever reason, I couldn't stop thinking about.

The same Edward I _shouldn't_ think about.

Shaking myself from my thoughts, I plunked an apple on my tray. It was the only thing I think my stomach could tolerate at the moment. Most of the other stuff the cafeteria staff was doling out did not look appealing.

I had a rule; if I didn't recognize what it was on sight, it wasn't going in my mouth.

"You've already met Emmett, my other brother." Alice chatted as she stopped at the salad bar filling a plate with an assortment of raw vegetables and white chunks of something I assumed was tofu.

"If you could call knocking myself on my ass trying to avoid collision with a six foot something quarterback, a meeting, then sure…we'll go with that." I quipped, adding a bit of lettuce to a bowl.

She laughed aloud at my comment.

"Anyway…his girlfriend Rosalie, well she has a bit of a hard shell. If she doesn't like you, you'll know right away but there isn't a more loyal person to have in your corner."

She was also intimidatingly beautiful but Alice made no mention of that. Next to her, I would feel like Quasimodo dressed in a hefty bag with a bright rainbow clown wig.

"Jasper." She continued with a sigh. "Well, I've already told you about him."

She did and quite often. I hadn't met him yet only saw him briefly in between classes. He was her boyfriend; a bad boy artist type that consistently ignored her attempts to dress him fashionably or that was the way she told it.

Suddenly I had to ask even if I knew I was going to regret it.

"Does…um…Edward have a girlfriend?"

She looked at me with such an expression of amusement on her face that I couldn't help but wonder what was so funny.

"Edward doesn't date….though many have tried." She said cryptically, narrowing her eyes at something behind me.

A wave of unwanted relief surged through me. Why?

"That may change soon though." Alice added.

Before I could ask what she meant by that, she was already walking away and plunked her tray on the table in the corner. I followed suit and sat down next to her facing the two others at the table; Emmett, who I recognized from the "football incident" was already seated making quick work of the mountain of food in front of him. Next to him, watching me curiously albeit cautiously was Rosalie.

"You must be Bella." She said. "I'm Rosalie. And this human vacuum is Emmett."

He waved with a smile as he chewed.

"We've uh…met." I said giving him a wave in response.

"Oh right" She smirked. "I forgot about that."

So she was witness to my oh so graceful tumble on cement. Wonderful. Could I feel anymore woefully incompetent?

"How's the elbow?" Emmett asked in between bites of some indecipherable noodle and meat dish.

"Well…I don't think I'll be playing tennis anytime soon…"

Emmett's face fell. "Oh shit…I'm sorry Bella."

I immediately felt like a complete heel.

"No, hey…I was just kidding." I said reassuringly. "I'm fine." I moved my arm around showing my range of movement "I don't even play tennis."

Or anything really.

"You almost had me, Swan." He grinned with a shake of his head.

Jasper sauntered forward with his tray, sat down and pulled Alice into his lap. She laughed as he nuzzled her neck and fed her a fry before directing his gaze at me; the interloper.

From a distance, Jasper Hale had looked young and wiry but upon closer inspection I recognized that I had seriously misjudged him. He was wearing a black t-shirt with a hard rock band insignia that I didn't recognize with a black thermal shirt peeking out from under the neckline; a black hoody and jeans completed the outfit. He may have been considered almost pretty had it not been for the jagged scar that crossed through his eyebrow but it was the hard look in his charcoal eyes that spoke volumes.

There was nothing soft about Jasper Hale.

Worrying my bottom lip with my teeth, I leaned back from his assessing gaze. The way he scrutinized me made me uncomfortable; as if he could see right through me down to the very depths of my soul.

What did he see?

"Hello, Bella."

His arm pulled tighter around Alice and the adoring look he gave her made my heart ache.

I was wrong.

There was nothing soft about Jasper Hale except for his love for Alice Cullen.

"Hi." I responded feeling a tell tale heated blush creep up my neck.

I felt like an intruder.

"Don't look now but it appears like you've dropped a few rungs on the social ladder." Rosalie remarked looking behind me; her mouth lifted in amusement before refocusing her gaze on me.

Why did it feel like I was being tested?

I stole a look behind me and sure enough the same people I had been sitting with only yesterday were staring at our table; all with varied degrees of shock and sneers on there faces.

I resisted the urge to look down at my shirt for the scarlet letter "A". You would think I committed a major felony. Even Jessica Stanley and Lauren Mallory who seemed to resent my presence in their little group from day one had malice in their eyes. I would've thought they'd be happy.

I turned back to Rosalie feeling angered all of a sudden on behalf of the Cullens and the Hales. I didn't understand the injustice of it…why they were ostracized but it bothered me immensely and I wasn't about to get caught up in school politics.

I also wasn't used to being caught in the crossfire of something I couldn't define. My anonymity through life kept me tethered and secure. Renee had always moved us to big towns or cities and my new appearance in a school was news for maybe a day before I went back to being just plain Bella, sinking into obscurity.

Now I felt adrift…the rope in a tug of war being pulled from both ends.

"I don't like heights anyway." I commented wryly in response to Rosalie's comment.

She nodded approvingly. "Bella, I think we're going to get along just fine."

I guess I passed.

I felt a tiny fissure of awareness on the back of my neck like the kind you get when you can actually feel someone watching you with their weighted stare.

It could have been the group of kids behind us, Mike Newton, Tyler Crowley…take your pick but I knew it wasn't. I only felt this particular sensation from one person.

Turning slightly in my seat, I saw him.

Edward Cullen

And he did not look happy.

No one else seemed to notice or acknowledge his demeanor as he placed his tray on the table and sat in the farthest seat away from me. His eyes flitted from me to the sparse contents of my own tray and frowned.

I wanted to ask what the hell his problem with me suddenly was but I remained mute. Casting my eyes down at my tray, I picked at the stem on my apple…no longer in the mood to eat.

The din of conversation went around me as I listened with only half an ear. Another part of me was hyper focused on Edward. He remained silent as well, watching me curiously with those hypnotic green eyes of his.

"So, Bella what do you think?" Alice asked me.

"Um..I'm sorry, what was the question?"

"We're going to dinner before the movie. Do you like Italian?"

Dinner? I wasn't sure I could even keep lunch down.

"Who doesn't?" I shrugged plastering a fake grin on my face.

I caught Edward's eyes narrowing at me.

"Great. La Bella Italia it is."

Midway through the period, Emmett sat back in his chair with a grin and announced it was football time. I noticed Edward's heavily expelled breath and look of relief as he agreed right away.

It was obvious he didn't want to be near me.

It shouldn't hurt but it did.

I shouldn't care but I did.

"You game to watch us, Bella?" Emmett asked me. "I promise no collisions."

I looked at Edward, who was watching me intently. "Actually, I think I'll sit this one out thanks."

As it turned out both Alice and Rosalie decided to stay inside with me but not before Alice excused herself to follow the guys for a moment.

"I'll be right back." She said after narrowing her eyes at Edward through the window of the cafeteria and stalked through the outside doors.

"What was that about?" I asked Rosalie.

"I'm not sure." She grabbed my sleeve with a conspiratorial grin and pulled me towards the window "But let's go watch. Alice is a real spitfire when she's mad...and she is furious."

Through the dirty glass smudged with I didn't even want to know what, I watched as Alice caught up to Edward and yanked forcefully on the sleeve of his coat. He turned swiftly and glared at her.

I couldn't hear what was being said but Alice's mouth was moving frenetically while her hands flailed about her body. Edward stood there grim faced, jaw tensed under Alice's tirade; his hands which were positioned on his hips suddenly moved to his hair, yanking at it. Then he started yelling back; pacing back and forth; hands at his sides then in his hair again.

Rosalie snickered. "Well, whatever she's saying to him, he's not liking it too much."

His eyes met mine through the glass.

"Busted." Rosalie chuckled under her breath.

I had to take a step back from the painfully twisted expression when he realized we were watching. Slinking away from the window back towards our seats, I couldn't watch anymore.

I felt sick.

Alice breezed back into the cafeteria with a self satisfied grin on her face.

"What was that all about?" Rosalie asked her.

"Just a little sibling chat." She said flippantly with a shrug of her shoulders.

* * *

><p>When Edward sidled in the seat beside me in Bio, I didn't even spare him a glance. Ashamed as I was that he caught me spying on the confrontation with Alice, there was nothing I wanted to say.<p>

"You should eat more." He leaned over towards me and whispered. "I don't want you fading away on me."

My whole body stilled. I gripped the pen I was holding tightly before I started writing again.

What did he care what or how much I ate?

"You don't have to do this, you know." I told him, the pieces finally clicking together.

"Do what?"

"Be nice to me just because Alice wants you to."

"Is that what you think I'm doing?" He sounded offended and a little shocked.

"Isn't obvious? You don't talk to me for days then suddenly after Alice yells at you in the middle of the football field, you're speaking to me again?"

He shook his head slowly in denial but it was too late…I already knew the truth.

I sighed "It's okay. If you don't want me hanging around, I'll tell Alice I won't be able to go tonight. It's better this way anyway."

I wouldn't have to pretend to be normal, I wouldn't have to fake a smile and lie.

"Please don't." His voice was soft and truly remorseful. "It would hurt...m..._Alice_ if you didn't come. She doesn't make friends that easily."

"I don't see why…she's a lovely girl."

It was true. Alice Cullen was probably one of the nicest, most genuine people I had ever met. It wasn't' her fault her brother had a multiple personality disorder.

"It's…complicated." He finally said.

Isn't everything? I thought.

"So you'll go?" He asked hopefully, his green eyes urging me to say yes.

"I'll go" I whispered. "For Alice."


	11. Chapter 11

A/N - Thank you to all that have reviewed so far and please keep them coming. I know it seems pretty light so far but trust me...there will be angst.

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><p>I was a tool.<p>

A complete and utter tool.

I knew it and Alice knew it too apparently if the daggers she was shooting at me like I just swiped her last granola bar was any indication.

She didn't understand…had no clue really that I was too stunned to do anything but gawk and stare adnd try to regulate my ever increasing heart beat.

My epiphany came hard and swift like a punch in the gut and it was freaking me the fuck out.

Bella belonged here…with us…_with me_. Not anywhere else…_never_ anywhere else.

Even Rosalie, who was hard pressed to get along with anybody seemed to accept her.

She just fit.

It was as simple and maybe as complicated as that.

I felt it unequivocally…I knew it to the very depths of me.

It scared the ever living shit out of me.

And I was suddenly angry that this mere slip of a girl could wreak suck havoc on my brain (as well as my other body parts).

The term tongue tied and twisted had never been more apt then right now as I was watching her play with the stem of her apple until she finally brought the succulent fruit to her mouth and took a bite. If Adam felt with Eve what I felt right now, it was no wonder he disobeyed God and they were banished from Paradise.

Surely though that wasn't _all_ she was eating?

I felt myself frown as I looked from her hauntingly beautiful face down to her mostly empty tray. She scowled in return but remained silent.

In fact she barely said anything unless someone was directly speaking to her. Most of the time she spent trying to look at everything but me or she lost in her own thoughts when she thought no one else was paying attention.

But I was

Maybe too much.

Where do you go, Bella?

I was vaguely aware of some discussion of where we would eat later before the movie. Usually, I would've involved myself but I was too busy with thoughts about _her_…how her false smile was betrayed by the inner sadness reflected in her chocolate eyes…how her fingers twiddled nervously on the sleeves of her shirt…how her teeth gnawed on her bottom lip, causing the flesh to grow plumper and redder.

Blood shot to my groin. I had to get out of here and now.

I jabbed Emmett in the shin with my foot and motioned with my head towards the outer doors.

_Please get the hint._

He gave me a smirk as he leaned back lazily in his chair.

_You suck, Emmett. Don't do this to me._

A moment later he announced a plan for some after lunch football.

Thank fucking Christ!

My heartfelt gratitude disappeared a moment later when he asked Bella to join us.

As much as I wanted to be near her, I _couldn't_ be near her right now.

Luck prevailed and she turned him down.

Following Emmett and Jasper outside, I felt the cool slap of the wind on my face and it's whistle in my ear telling me how much of a fucking coward I really was.

What are you so afraid of?

She's just a girl.

Yeah… Bella Swan wasn't "a just" anything.

_That_ was the problem.

A "Just a girl" didn't send electrical pulses through me every time she was near or cause spontaneous hard-ons in the most inconvenient of places at the most inconvenient of times (like a crowded high school cafeteria).

A hard tug on my sleeve pulled me backwards. I turned angrily at the perpetrator ready to let a fist fly when I saw it was Alice.

"What the fuck?"

"No. _You_ what the fuck, Edward?"

What?

It registered then she was angry…very, very angry. Her eyes impaled me with shame; a virago ready to cast judgment.

"How could you _do_ that?"

"Do what, Al? I have no idea what you're talking about?"

"Bella was my guest today at lunch and you treated her like she was some sort of….of…_pariah_."

Pariah? Where did she _get_ these analogies?

"I barely said two words to her!" I shouted back in frustration.

"That's the whole point, you dumb ass!" She was fuming now, her hands waving about her head, her breath escaping in large puffs of air around us. "Not only didn't you speak to her, the way you looked at her…well, I think she thinks you hate her."

Was that what it looked like? Had my intentions to mask how I was really feeling succeeded so well she came to the only conclusion that made sense to her…that I hated her?

Was that such a bad thing?

Judging from Alice's pit bull like growl under her breath; yes it was.

"I wouldn't be surprised if she cancels our plans tonight because of you and I can't say I'd blame her."

I fisted my hands in my hair and began to pace.

Shit, shit, shit.

"Don't be absurd." My teeth gritted together. "She won't cancel."

"Make it right then." She demanded. "Make it right or I'll tell her how you really feel about her…and don't think I don't know. The upstairs bathroom is right next to my room after all." Her eyes narrowed on me.

I could feel my ears grow incredibly hot against the cold chill of the air.

"You wouldn't dare!"

Her eyebrow raised. "Oh _wouldn't_ I?"

She would.

Fuck me.

I felt a tingle up my spine that had nothing to do with Alice's threat. It was the kind of sensation you get when you just know someone is watching you.

Turning towards the school, my vision was immediately filled with the sad doe eyed stare of Bella Swan and Rosalie's knowing smirk right before they turned away.

My hurt lurched and I hung my head in shame. I did that…I put that expression there...and I hated myself for it.

"You don't have to threaten me Alice, I concede." I said, my head bowing in defeat.

* * *

><p>"Didn't your Mama tell you not to mess with honey badgers?" Jasper grinned as he tossed me the ball.<p>

I caught it with an oomph to my chest.

Honey badgers, vicious little things. He was talking about Alice, of course.

Thank fuck they didn't hear what she said to me but they didn't have to. They saw the way she chewed me out unfortunately and that provided them enough fodder to rail me with.

"Wonder what got her so riled?" Emmett gave me a shit-eating grin. "Could have it had anything to do with a certain brown eyed swan?"

"Knock it off, Emmett." I threw the ball hard at him.

"Looks like someone's hit a raw nerve." Jasper instigated.

I gave him a hard look hoping Emmett's toss would hit him in the head…or the crotch. I wasn't picky.

* * *

><p>Apologizing to Bella Swan didn't go as smoothly as I liked. It was barely an apology really. Who was I kidding? It wasn't anything remotely close. I was incredibly nervous, so much so I could feel my palms get sweaty as I went for a casual demeanor and I said the first thing that came to my mind; which happened to be my concern over her eating habits.<p>

_Big_ mistake apparently.

The scowl she shot me rivaled Rosalie's on a good day…or a bad, depending on one's perspective. It made me feel worse that she knew the reason I was speaking to her now was because Alice told me to. Well, it wasn't the only reason. Just the most expedient and the most easily explained.

The truth was; I _wanted_ to talk to her again. It had been three days.

Three hellish days of breathing her in, of watching her, of watching others watch her, of hearing her burnt honey voice shiver through me. Three days of meaningless civility and nothing more.

To what end?

And it all came down to fear…because some how, some way I knew this was important…that _she_ was important…that _she_ would change my life forever.

Maybe she already had.

* * *

><p>With one towel wrapped around my waist and using another one to dry my hair, I padded from the bathroom to my room after another Bella Swan themed shower only to find an outfit laid out on my bed.<p>

What the hell was this?

I picked up the jeans and dark green Polo shirt, examining them like they were alien creatures instead of the clothes that came from my closet.

Alice, I thought. _Of course_.

And everyone thought _I_ was the control freak.

Not that it wasn't something I would have picked out myself but hell, I was old enough to pick out my own damn clothes.

I was tempted to wear something different but I knew I would just end up staring into my closet, completely clueless. Not that I didn't know how to dress myself or look good in whatever I wore but I had a feeling tonight was going to be important or meaningful at the very least.

Or maybe I just wanted it to be.

You're overthinking it, Cullen, as always. Just put your damn clothes on and stop dripping shower water all over the floor.

What would she be wearing, I wondered, my mind already picturing a tight pair of skinny jeans and a form fitting sweater that accented the curves she tried to hide but I knew were there.

The vision shot straight to my crotch.

Damnit!

Jabba the hut, Jabba the Hut.

Emmett as Jabba the Hut, Emmett as Jabba the Hut.

Works every fucking time.

Now if it would only be that cooperative the rest of the evening.

* * *

><p>"You look good if I do say so myself." chimed Alice approvingly as she saw me enter the family room.<p>

Emmett and Jasper were ready and playing a video game to pass the time and Rosalie was talking to my mom.

"Don't take all the credit, kiddo." I said to Alice. "These clothes were already in my closet."

"Maybe so but I am the one who put them together."

"So, where are you heading tonight?" Mom asked to no one in particular as she and Rosalie walked towards the rest of us.

"Port Angeles." Jasper said.

"Vampire flick." Emmett grinned.

I couldn't contain a chuckle.

He was so looking forward to it too, poor sod. I wonder what his reaction will be when he finds out it's a vampire love story.

"We'll have to take two cars." Alice said thoughtfully. "since Bella is coming with us."

"Bella?" Mom questioned. "Bella Swan?"

I gave Esme a confused look. "You know her?"

"It's a small town, Edward." Rosalie spoke instead. "Everyone knows of the police chief's daughter returning home."

The explanation was reasonable enough. Bella Swan's return home and the mystery surrounding it had been gossip since Charlie Swan took a long leave of absence to bring her back.

But _something_…a flicker of recognition in my mom's face led me to believe there was more to it than that.

"Why don't you take my SUV so you can all sit together?" Mom suggested to which all of us gave her a horrified look.

It was obvious she was kidding. I looked around wondering who would be the one to put their foot in their mouth.

Emmett cleared his throat nervously.

I snorted. Figures.

"Um…no offense, Mom…" Emmett said. "But your SUV has like mom type stuff in it…like _visible_ and sh…uh…stuff. "

"You think it will cramp your manly style?" She teased him.

"Um…well…uh."

Rose smacked him lightly on the back of the head and rolled her eyes skyward. "She was kidding, Emmett."

Poor sucker blushed down to his Nike Zoom Rookie's.

"I knew that." He grumbled.

I insisted on driving my car knowing that Jasper and Alice would ride with me and Rosalie would ride with Emmett. I also knew that Alice would insist that Bella ride with us since she had been the one that invited her.

There was just something so necessary about having Bella in my car.


	12. Chapter 12

A/N - Okay, I think we all know the characters aren't mine...just taking them out of the box for a little while. Please enjoy and don't forget to hit the review button.

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><p>Bella POV<p>

I spent the rest of the day vacillating between urgent anticipation and cold dread at going out with Alice and the others while trying to ignore the bold faced stares of my other classmates and their obvious feelings of distaste over my choice to sit with the Cullen's and the Hale's.

It was like there was some unwritten social code and I had violated it.

No one said a word to me about it but facial expressions said more than words.

Weirder still had been Edward's so-called apology. He seemed sincere and even remorseful.

Was that for my benefit or Alice's?

_His own?_

Trying to take a nap after school but failing miserably, I dragged myself into the shower instead, hoping it would make me feel or at least look like I wasn't a complete zombie.

The scar cream my doctor had recommended I put on daily was a complete joke made solely for the purpose of bringing false hope into broken lives.

I doubted even sitting in a vat of it for hours would do anything to fade the ghastly reminders of what a selfish failure I was.

I rubbed it in anyway, angrily, turning the skin on my stomach and arms red from the friction.

Just stop, I commanded myself, forcing a deep breath before I continued to get dressed, shoving on my jeans and tugging my navy sweater over my head, yanking it down over my scarred torso so I wouldn't have to see them anymore.

Was this _even_ okay to wear?

It's just dinner and the movies, Bella, not an invitation to a grand ball.

The movies.

The last time I was at the movies was…

_Oh God._

Before I knew it I was having a full blown panic attack, just like in Dr. Platt's office.

With trembling legs, I made myself sit on the toilet seat else I fall over. My vision began to blur and dim at the edges and I pleaded to whatever deity would listen that I wouldn't pass out.

Sucking in great gobs of air, I was choking on the bile that was clawing it's way up my throat.

Not now, please God not now, I begged feeling the tears seep from the corners of my eyes.

Breathe, just breathe.

In

Out

In

Out

I recited the exercises the psychologist taught me.

They weren't working

Why weren't they working?

Frustrated at my lack of control over my own body, I slammed the palm of my hand against the tiled wall of the bathroom.

"Bells? Are you alright?"

Shit!

Charlie was home.

You have to pull it together, Bella.

For Charlie.

You can't let him find you like this.

"Uh…yeah..Dad. I just um…dropped the shampoo bottle."

It was the first excuse I could think of.

Stupid. He's a cop. I'm pretty sure he can distinguish the sound between a plastic container falling and a hand banging against the wall.

"If you're sure…" He was standing right outside the bathroom door now, obviously skeptical.

"Yeah…I'm sure." I tried to force my voice to be steady. "I…ah…have to finish getting ready."

"Oh. Okay then."

I heard his feet walk away and make their way down the stairs.

Apparently nothing can stop a man in his tracks faster than his daughter hinting that she was in a state of undress.

* * *

><p>Alice called to say they were on their way.<p>

To say I didn't' think about canceling would be a lie. I had. Many times.

But just seeing the look of joy and relief on my dad's face when I said I was going out with some new friends was the only thing that changed my mind.

He needed a break.

From me.

Even if he didn't voice the words.

It was important to him that I would be okay.

So it was important to me to make him believe I was.

Even if it was a lie.

Charlie even handed me fifty dollars to go and have a good time.

I didn't want to take it…refused vehemently even. I had my own money even if it was dwindling fast.

But Charlie was even more stubborn than me and insisted; claiming he hadn't been there for me for a long time and he damn well was going to be there now.

I couldn't refuse him but I made a silent vow to pay him back.

"So the Cullen and the Hale kids, huh?" Charlie asked me as I stood by the door waiting for them to arrive, feeling the draft from the screen door window seep through my parka coat.

"Um…yeah…is that a problem?"

The timber of his voice suggested it might me.

"No, no , no." He quickly assured me.

"I sense a 'but' in there somewhere."

"They're good kids, Bella...Just that...well the Hale kids..."

"Just the Hale kids, what?" I prompted.

He sighed heavily, scrubbing his hand down his face.

"The Hales, well…just that people in this town made things rougher on them than they had any right to just because of sh…uh crap out of their control and unfortunately the Cullen kids have become guilty by association, I think, at least where the local kids are concerned. It's bullshit but it is what it is. Not one of them kids ever gave me a lick of trouble."

Wow. He sounded angry and quite disgusted. I hadn't heard Charlie string that many words together in such an impassioned speech in a long time.

"I'm proud to see you haven't listened to school gossip." He added.

It frustrated me even more because I didn't know _anything_.

What was the big secret that no one wanted to divulge?

I guess we all had our secrets, didn't we?

Before I could ask him to explain, I saw two cars pull up in front of the house; Edward's silver Volvo and a big jeep right behind it.

Alice got out of the back of the Volvo, waved and proceeded to walk up the cement walkway toward the house.

My stomach clenched with nerves as I opened the door.

"Bye, Dad." I told him, my throat feeling constricted.

Charlie looked amused.

"Looks like your little friend there wants to say hello." He pointed and sure enough Alice was standing in front of the door, hands behind her back and a thousand watt smile on her face.

Alice must've taken Charlie's words as an invitation because instead of stepping outside as I intended, she was stepping in.

"Hi Chief Swan." She beamed at him, giving him a quick hug before she held out her hand in greeting. "I'm Alice Cullen…thank you for letting Bella come out with us tonight."

"Um…your welcome…Alice." Charlie blushed like a school boy as he grasped Alice's hand. "And you can just uh…call me Charlie."

"Thank you again, Charlie." She winked at me. "May I ask what time we should have Bella home?"

Charlie gave me a disbelieving look as if to say 'is she serious?'

I shrugged while trying to stifle a grin.

"Not too late…midnight, I think?" He questioned.

Charlie never questioned like he was afraid he had the wrong answer.

Alice nodded sternly. She was taking this way too seriously. "Midnight then."

* * *

><p>I was just like any other teen on any given Friday night; hanging out with friends…something I never did before in my life.<p>

It was bizarrely normal…_I_ felt bizarrely normal as Edward's car sped down the 101 towards Port Angeles. He drove way too fast but thankfully I was in the back seat with Alice so I couldn't read the speedometer.

Charlie would surely change his good opinion of Edward Cullen if he could see him now; speeding down the highway like Mario Andretti.

The music was on some local rock station, at Jasper's insistence. He said he didn't want to listen to any of Edward's pansy emo crap.

Too bad.

I loved emo music.

I got it and it got me.

Every once in a while, I caught Edward looking at me through the rearview mirror before he turned quickly away.

It made me uncomfortable because the expression in his emerald green eyes pierced through me like they could reach the soul I had thought long since abandoned me and make it warm again.

I shivered involuntarily.

"Are you chilly, Bella?" Alice asked concerned. "Edward, can you turn up the heat?"

"No really, I'm fine." I insisted. "Don't raise the heat on my account."

It really wasn't cold in the car at all and I didn't want anyone else to be uncomfortable because of me.

"Don't be ridiculous, Bella." Edward chastised as he pressed a few buttons on the dash. I could feel the raise in temperature immediately. "There's no need for you to be cold when you don't have to be."

I nearly laughed when Alice kicked the back of his seat. A look passed between them and he looked immediately regretful.

What was that about?

* * *

><p>La Bella Italia was a nice family restaurant, I observed as we walked into the foyer. Hues of muted reds and browns gave a warm cozy feeling to the place and I couldn't deny the smell of garlic infused food had my mouth to the near saturation point with salivation.<p>

My stomach growled reminding me of how little I actually had to eat today.

"Someone's hungry." Rosalie commented with an amused look as we walked to a table. There were too many of us for a booth.

I looked down at my traitorous stomach.

Edward gave a stark glance in my direction and sat down.

It amazed me how he didn't even seem to notice the appreciative stares he was getting from the good looking waitresses. It was like they weren't even in the room and it was so obvious their mouths were salivating and it wasn't over the food.

I felt strangely…_jealous?_

No.

That couldn't be it.

So why do you want to rip their eyes out?

"He never notices." Alice whispered to me as we took our coats off. My expression must have mirrored my thoughts.

Why did it sound like she was trying to reassure me?

I nearly snorted in disbelief.

How could he _not_ notice?

Was he that oblivious to his own appeal?

"So how do you like Forks so far, Bella?" Emmett asked me as he shoveled a piece of bread in his mouth.

"Heathen." Jasper muttered with a grin, his on mouth full of bread.

"Well, it hasn't changed much since I left…I think." I said answering Emmett's question.

"When was the last time you were here?" Edward asked me curiously.

"When she was twelve." Rosalie answered with a sad smile.

My stunned eyes shot swiftly to hers as everyone turned their attention to her seemingly just as shocked by her announcement as I was.

"I remember you, Bella." She explained; a soft lilt to her usually self-confident voice.

"You do?"

I didn't remember her.

"You didn't tell me that." Alice accused giving Rosalie a sour look.

After an apologetic glance at Alice, she nodded and shifted uncomfortably in her seat. "I was almost fourteen." She started nervously, picking at the edge of her red cloth napkin. Emmett put his arm around her in comfort. I didn't miss the way she leaned into him for support. "I was arguing with my mother outside the local bar…pleading with her really to come home…sober up…or at least give me money so Jazz and I could eat. There was no food in the house." She gave a tight smile.

I gulped, not liking this story already.

"She left me to go back inside to her boyfriend" She sneered before shaking her head slightly. "You must have been close and overheard somehow because suddenly there you were reaching into your jeans and handing me ten dollars, apologizing that you wish you had more but it was all you had. Your father called your name then, telling you to hurry up. You waved goodbye and got into his police cruiser. It didn't take me long to figure out who you were or that you were leaving soon. I looked for you the next summer but you never came back. You'll never know how much you did for me that day…and it wasn't just about the money."

It was the last summer I visited Charlie. I struggled to recall the incident and something familiar flitted at the edge of my mind.

"I had pink hair at the time if that helps." She grinned.

I studied Rosalie now…_really_ looked at her.

"That was _you?_"

I couldn't reconcile the image of the bedraggled pink haired, goth girl with the mascara stained cheeks from my memory with the blonde bombshell sitting in front of me.

"I was going through a rebellion phase." She shrugged at the explanation.

Somehow I knew it was much more than that.

Pieces started to click together. Now that she had brought it up, I was recalling the incident much more clearly. Rose and Jasper's mom must be Cathy King also known as the town's drunken home wrecker. I remembered because I had asked Charlie about it right after. He gave me a nicer explanantion of course, but I was pretty advanced for my age and read in between the lines.

I remember feeling horrible for Rosalie even if I didn't know her name at the time.

Now it fit with what Charlie was telling me before I left the house.

"She's sober now." Jasper said defensively if not proudly. He was talking about their mother "Going on three years."

He was studying me, dissecting me….waiting for a negative reaction.

What did he think I was going to do? Run from the table? Look down my nose at them?

They don't know you, I reminded myself. They have no idea what to expect.

Why are they telling me this now? I barely know them.

I swallowed past the suddenly painful lump in my throat, struggling for the right words to say.

"I'm glad I was able to help you." My voice was hoarse and I felt I was on the verge of tears. The thought of a mother treating her own kids that way made me appreciate my own mom even more.

Jasper expression changed into one of gratitude and nodding approvingly at me.

"Okay!" Emmett clapped his large hands together. "Time for a group hug!" He stood up motioning for everyone to join him.

Everyone in the restaurant looked at us like we were from another planet but the awkwardness was over and for the first time besides Alice, I felt like I had made true friends.

It scared me.

What if I let them down too like I did everybody else?

* * *

><p>The movie theatre was packed; filled with people our age and for some reason Edward seemed to tense whenever a group of guys came near us.<p>

Somehow, I got situated between Edward and Alice in the darkened auditorium. Maybe because I was trying not to freak out from the memory of the last time I went to the movies, I became hyper aware of the boy sitting beside me.

The rise and fall of his chest with each breath.

The way it would hitch each time our hands accidentally touched.

How he would tense when his knee bumped against mine.

How he kept shifting in his seat looking for a comfortable position.

His mumblings of 'sorry' when his elbow would glance off mine when we both sought the arm rest.

The nervous jerking up and down of his leg.

And this was just during the previews.

Emmett made us laugh with his sidebar comments during the movie until the giggling gaggle of pre-teen girls threatened to get the ushers to throw us out.

Until their little orgasmic scream started whenever one of the actors came on screen with their shirts off. That's when Rose leaned forward between two of them.

"If you don't shut up with your squealing like an animal in pain, I'm going to dump my soda on your heads and make you pay for a new one." She hissed.

Ouch.

"Remind me never to get on Rose's bad side." I whispered to Alice.

* * *

><p>What had started off as a sweet but awkward love affair between a vampire and his human girlfriend suddenly took a dark turn. The music score turned mysterious and foreboding as a new villain was introduced and paved the way to a violent altercation; one that would lead to blood being spilt on the forty foot screen.<p>

My whole body tensed for impact as I watched the heroine on the screen get attacked; blood was shed and I was immediately thrust into a flashback where a knife glistening with blood was descending towards me.

I whimpered; shaking, breath coming in pants.

Not here...please not here.

Breathe, Bella.

It's not real.

It's not real.

You're here.

You're not there.

A hand gripped mine, bringing me into the present; the warmth of it shocking against my icy skin. A jolt of electrical awareness slammed into me.

"Hey are you okay?" Edward whispered to me.

I was frozen; unable to answer.

I clenched my eyes shut to avoid the screen in front of me where a river of blood flowed.

"C'mon" he said tugging my hand. "Let's get you out of here."

He stood up and pulled me with him up the dark aisle until we were out in the lobby. I had to blink several times until my eyes adjusted to being in the bright lights of the lobby.

He led me to a row of chairs, ignoring the curious looks of other patrons milling around waiting for the next showing.

Settling me into a chair, he kept my hand held in his. I was trying to keep my dizziness and trembling under control but it was no easy task. My mind kept going to visions of blood and death and my mom staring at me with dead eyes.

I swallowed back a sob.

He must think I'm a complete freak. I should just shut myself in my room from now on and not even venture outside.

I hated myself.

Why couldn't I be normal for just one night? Was it too much to ask?

"Put your head in between your legs and breathe slowly." He ordered as he rubbed my hands with his own putting warmth back into them. "In and out. That's right...you're doing great."

He sounded so much like Dr. Platt, I almost laughed.

The dizziness was beginning to fade a little but I could still see the bloody knife being held above me and beyond that, Renee's sightless eyes staring back at me, accusingly.

This is all your fault.

I could hear her voice.

I'm sorry Mom.

"I'll be right back. Just stay put." He said before he was gone; slipping his hand from mine and giving my shoulder a tight squeeze.

Like I could go anywhere with my legs feeling like jello.

I felt the loss of the warmth of his grip immediately. I needed that lifeline to keep me grounded.

I wasn't aware of how much time had passed before he came back, shoving a cup into my icy hands and ordering me to drink.

I did greedily feeling the liquid run down my dry throat.

When I was finally sure I could look at him without falling apart completely, I glanced over to where he was seating beside me.

His green eyes looked worried; anxious and I wanted nothing more than to make him feel better.

"I'm so embarrassed. You must think I am the world's biggest sissy." I said; wincing at how hoarse my voice was. "I'm just not good with blood."

There, that sounded like a plausible excuse.

No need to let him in on how damaged I really was.

Edward's eyes narrowed as if he didn't believe but then the tension in his face relaxed. "A lot of people freak out of the sight of blood. Maybe next time we see a movie it should be comedy."

_We?_

He still wanted to be my friend after this?

I leaned back in the seat, my fingers tracing the drops of condensation on the side of the cup.

He touched my chin lightly, forcing me to look up at him.

I wanted to avert my eyes from his but couldn't. I was trapped under his too perceptive gaze.

My breath hitched and I swallowed.

He was way too close.

It exhilarated me as much as it scared me to death.

"The color's returned to your cheeks." His fingers traced a slow trail down my jaw line and settled on my shoulder. "That's a good sign."

"You're um...really good at this doctoring stuff." I said with a dry laugh trying to ease the awkward feeling of shyness that suddenly came over me.

"Both my parents are doctors, so..." Edward shrugged casually.

"So...it kind of runs in the family huh?"

He gave me a tight smile as he wound a tendril of my hair around his finger. "Something like that."

"I'm sorry." I whispered not wanting to let him know how much his innocent touch was affecting me. "You're missing the movie."

His hand found mine again and intertwined our fingers together; his thumb caressing circles in the back of my hand. The electric sensation was back. I could feel the pulses between our mingled flesh.

It felt so good..._too good._

Did he feel it too?

"It wasn't that great of a movie anyway." He smiled brilliantly at me and I felt my heart skip a beat. "I mean whoever heard of vampires that sparkle?" He let out a derisive chuckle but his hand tightened on mine.

I let out a startled laugh. "I'm sure millions of teenage girls around the world would disagree with you."

"It's a good thing then, I'm not trying to impress millions of teenage girls." He said huskily.

His green eyes were so intense when they looked at me I had to look away.

I nodded towards the closed doors of the auditorium. "I'm sure the others will be wondering where we are."

"Not really." He explained casually. "I texted Alice when I was getting your soda. She never shuts off her phone even when she is supposed to."

"You could...uh...go back inside if you want. I'll be okay out here."

I really wanted some time to myself to sort out what was going through my head at the moment.

"Not likely, Bella." He replied giving me a look. "I'm not leaving you here by yourself."

"But you're missing..."

"I already thought we established the movie sucked."

"It didn't suck." I grumbled, pursing my lips. I actually liked it until the violence started. "I mean I could see the vampire's moral dilemma."

He laughed. "You mean to bite or not to bite." He teased.

"No," I grinned back. "The fact that he loved her so much but he knew he would inevitably bring danger into her life...so he had to make the decision to leave her for her sake."

"Hmmm, and she loved him so much, she couldn't let that happen. If he left it would destroy them both."

"So, you're taking her side?" I asked curiously.

"Well...true love is supposed to conquer all, isn't it?"

"Only in the movies." I mumbled.

Real life wasn't as easy.


	13. Chapter 13

EPOV

The fragrant smell of strawberries floated over the scent of the leather interior of my car as soon as Bella entered with my sister. I closed my eyes at the sweetness of it as it infused my senses.

I may never clean the interior of this car again as long as it held that smell.

Or maybe I'd just have to conspire to get her in my car more often.

When I reopened my eyes, I caught Jasper staring at me with a shit eating grin on his face and a mischievous gleam in his eyes.

Fucker.

I should throw him in the back seat with his girlfriend and have Bella ride shotgun with me.

No.

That would be a bad idea.

A _very_ bad idea with a side order of very fucking tempting.

As it was I could barely keep my eyes off of her through the rearview.

She caught me looking; several times but I couldn't seem to stop.

There was something more fragile about her tonight...more so than usual although she always appeared to want to be strong.

I wanted to know what was going on behind those chocolate brown eyes of hers.

I wanted to know _everything_ about her.

Was it warm in here or was it just me?

I caught Bella shivering.

Okay, just me, apparently.

After turning up the heat despite Bella's insistence that she was fine, I tried to concentrate on the road...on the music...on Alice's non-stop chatter...anything but the soft spoken, alluring girl in the back seat.

It wasn't working.

* * *

><p>The restaurant was crowded and noisy as expected as we ushered in from the cold. With nothing much to do in the Olympic Peninsula during the cold months, people tended to take comfort in food and they did ad <em>fucking<em> nauseum.

I paid the hostess extra for a quieter table somewhere near the back and with a smile, she grabbed six menus and led us to a circular table in a darkened corner lit by several candles and dim wall sconces.

It was perfect.

Nothing could have prepared me for the reaction I would have when Bella took off her coat. No, it wasn't the outfit I had envisioned but the V-neck on the navy blue sweater she wore could have been an arrow that pointed down towards the valley of her breasts and that's exactly where my eyes strayed.

Quickly, I sat down at the table trying to ignore the creamy span of her neck, the delicate frame of her collar bone or the way the swell of her chest peaked and expanded with each breath.

I prayed she and everyone else would remain oblivious to my reaction. These feelings were very new to me and I had no idea what to make of them or what to do with them. I didn't even _want_ these feelings but I couldn't seem to help myself.

Staying away and ignoring her as I had done for the past week didn't work. It only made the draw I felt towards her stronger.

Maybe, I reasoned, if I became her friend, got to know her better, the intense pull would gradually fade and I wouldn't feel like my emotions were giving me whiplash.

Rose's revelation at dinner shocked me. I had known some of her past but that was only through courtesy of Emmett and Jasper. Never before had she been so open and candid about the times when her mother was a full blown alcoholic. She kept it locked inside that porcelain beauty facade of hers; so when she said what she did over candlelight and pasta to a virtual stranger, it nearly cemented my already gravitational pull towards the quiet brunette beauty that was Bella Swan.

Not a _complete_ stranger, I corrected myself...a stranger that had shown Rosalie compassion once. One thing about Rose; she never forgot a kindness...or a slight for that matter.

Unfortunately the slights far outweighed the kindnesses; which obviously made what Bella had done all those years ago resonate within her.

Not that I needed the push but I think Rose's story made me fall a little bit more for Bella Swan. I could see my mastermind 'operation friendship' plan go right down the toilet. Friends, I wanted to snort…yeah right.

I watched Bella come out of her shell a little bit more during dinner; revealing more of the girl I wanted to know. She spoke about some of the places she used to live even if she was hesitant about speaking of it.

Jacksonville, Atlanta, New Orleans, Austin, Riverside, Albuquerque. I supposed, to many, it would sound exciting but judging by Bella's hesitancy in going into too much detail I didn't think she found it so. I wondered about any mother that would have little or no regard for the stability in her daughter's life.

It made me angry on her behalf...unrealistically so.

"It sounds so thrilling." Alice gushed. "All those places, all the culture..._all the shopping_."

No Ali, I thought wishing she would be quiet.

I painfully watched Bella look down at her plate and her face pale as she gripped her fork, took a breath and looked back up with an odd half-smile on her face.

"Renee...my mom...well she used to think so. She loved to travel, never settle...not really...kind of like a free spirited nomad."

But you didn't, did you Bella?

You hated it...you hated it but never said anything because your mom wanted that life. Because that's the type of person you are.

Where did that come from? My own thoughts stunned me.

"That must have been…difficult." I finally said.

Her gaze turned to me, her look so haunted, so stark, I felt a painful constriction in my chest.

"It wasn't so bad." She shrugged as her trembling fingers dipped her bread into the rosemary olive oil in front of her.

And I knew she was lying.

* * *

><p>She just couldn't wait to take her coat off again until we sat in our seats, in the dark theatre. No, she took off the thick shapeless parka as soon as we entered so all the other teenage boys could ogle her…and ogle her they did.<p>

And she was completely clueless; tucking her hair behind her hair and glancing around at the various movie posters that adorned the walls.

I edged closer to her, my hand hovering at the small of her back; not touching but appearing to. I didn't want any of the local riff raff to think they could get any bright ideas about approaching her.

Jasper looked down at where my hand was and back towards my face with one of his lop-sided knowing grins

Possessive much? He mouthed.

"C'mon Eduardo," Emmett grabbed my coat sleeve and pulled. "Let's go get some snackage."

I was extremely hesitant to leave the girls by themselves with the sharks swimming around them. Oh who was I kidding? I was hesitant to leave Bella. Emmett gave me no choice and neither did Jasper. They flanked me as we walked over to the long concession line and with only a few people behind the counter, we would be in for a long wait.

The three of them stood together, talking. Every once in awhile I would catch a guy starting to walk over and approach them but one look from Rosalie with a point towards Emmett, they backed off immediately.

Sometimes I was grateful my brother was a giant.

"So you're into her, huh?" Emmett bumped my shoulder with his fist and nodded towards Bella.

I gave a non-commital shrug. "into her" didn't even scratch the surface…it was more like she was a freight train and I was standing frozen on the tracks embracing the impact. But Emmett didn't have to know that. There was just too much he could do with that information.

I wanted to keep this to myself for awhile.

Figure out what it meant and where, if anywhere, it could go.

"You _are_." There was that shit-eating grin again. I swear one of these days I was going to knock it off his face. "So totally into Lil' Bird It's as plain as that big zit on your chin."

Zit? What zit? In a panic, I touched my chin and found…

…absolutely nothing.

Emmett threw his head back and let out a loud bark of laughter.

I gave his arm a punch.

Asshole.

"You're a douche, you know that?...and since when did you start calling her Lil' Bird?"

"Hey if she's hanging with us, she gets a nickname."

"Rose doesn't have a nickname." I retorted.

"Only because he fears for his balls." Jasper snickered beside me.

"Maybe I just don't have _public_ nicknames for her." Emmett said with a leer.

"Okay…eww…just stop." Jasper said; his face getting a little red and he covered his ears.

"So back to Bella." Emmett taunted.

"No. No _back_ to Bella." I had to put my foot down. "Just leave this alone, okay."

I must have looked really serious because their expressions sobered immediately.

"All ball busting aside." Jasper looked at me seriously. "I think she's a really good person. I like her."

My eyebrows skyrocketed to my hairline. Coming from Jazz, this was high praise indeed.

* * *

><p>I was never going to tease Alice again…well for twenty four hours at least. Somehow the little pixie situated it so Bella sat between us.<p>

Every fiber of my being was aware of the woman-girl seated beside me; the way she fiddled nervously with the hem of her sweater and the edges of her sleeves, the way she would tuck that one stubborn lock of hair behind ear repeatedly, the way her legs would cross and uncross causing her body to shift in her seat…towards me...away from me…towards me again.

I found it hard to sit still as well; ball of nervous energy that I was. Not even Emmett's tasteless comments during the previews could shift my attention.

My fingers kept straying to the armrest between us hoping for some "accidental" contact with her own hand and my own delight when it happened several times sent my body into sensory overload.

The movie of course was purely for chics and I really wasn't paying much attention to be honest. I was more interested in watching Bella's facial expressions as she watched the screen.

She was so expressive. Her lip would curl in distaste when she saw something entirely unbelievable and I could have sworn I heard her snort a few times. And her smile, the one that preceded her musical, throaty laugh…it was fucking dazzling.

It sucked the breath right out of me and wondered why I never noticed it before.

Because she never really smiled before, I thought solemnly.

Sure, I'd seen small closed mouth smiles, shy grins, a bemused chuckle here and there but this?

It was like a lighthouse beacon guiding weary sailors home on a foggy eve…and I was only seeing the side profile.

God help me if she ever smiled at me like that directly.

I could tell the romantic tenor of the movie was changing and I couldn't help but think fucking finally. I had been looking forward to some bloodshed and violence.

"Thank God." I heard Emmett say a few seats away from us when the heroine was attacked. it was followed by a loud ooomph...which had to be Rose elbowing him in the gut.

"Ow, Rosie that hurt."

I snickered but stopped immediately when I heard the near hyper-ventilating breathing beside me.

"Bella?" I whispered concerned but she made no indication that she knew I had spoken to her.

Her fingers were gripping the armrest tightly and her chest heaved like it was an effort to breathe. Her eyes were clenched tightly shut and her pallor was as pale as the moon.

I knew an anxiety attack when I saw one after having suffered through many of them in my youth. I had to get her out of there and I had to do it discreetly.

I gripped her icy hand, ignoring the pulsing shock of skin on skin contact that always slammed into me when we touched and pulled her up the dark aisle and into the light of the lobby.

Leading her over to a couple of seats, I sat her down and had her lower her head in between her legs in case she was dizzy. Recalling Esme's techniques, I coached her breathing until I was confident I could leave her momentarily to get her something to drink.

"A large water with ice, please." I asked the kid at concessions.

"You know you still have to pay for the cup right?"

I rolled my eyes as I reached for my cell in my pocket. "Yeah, yeah." I mumbled at him. "Just get me the water."

To Pixiechic1 - Bella not feeling well...out in lobby.

There, text done. I pocketed my phone without waiting for a reply, paid for the water and made my way back to Bella.

There is no way I believe she is having an anxiety over the sight of blood, not when she was bleeding the other day when she was avoiding my carelessly thrown football and she was nothing more than embarrassed.

Does she realize how bad a liar she is? Her face totally gives her away.

It's her story though and I don't call her out on the lie.

I get more insight into her mind when she tells me about what she had thought of the movie and try as I might I can't help bit flirt a little.

It's awkward and unpracticed.

I don't even think she can tell what I'm trying to do.

Hell, at this point, I don't _even_ know what I'm trying to do.

I've never done this before.

I just know I have to be near her; coax one of those rare smiles from her face, make her breath hitch the way mine does when we're so close.

It was as simple as that.

Maybe that was the petrifying part…that it could be so easy…so damn easy to fall.

But there was a moment there and somehow I felt that something intrinsically changed between us...something good.

And I wanted to hold on to it.

"Little Bella Swan, is that you?" I heard a distinctly male voice call out from behind us.

My whole body tensed and I whirled around to confront the face that belonged to the voice.

I didn't know him but I recognized his kind.

He was a few years older than us, stood tall, nearly Emmett's height and almost just as big and his teeth gleamed white against the darker hue of his skin.

One of the Quileute's.

What was he doing so far off the Res?

How did he know my Bella?

_My_ Bella?

When did _that_ happen?

"Sam?" Bella said getting up; one of those priceless thousand watt smiles on her face and it wasn't meant for me. "Sam Uley?

Teeth gritted, jaw clenched, I watched as he picked her up and swung her around in a bear hug.

"Jake said you were back." He said to her when he finally put her down. "He couldn't stop talking about it."

_Jake?_ Who the_ fuck_ was Jake?

"He was probably more excited over the fact that he finally was able to hawk that big red jalopy on some unsuspecting person…namely my dad." Bella joked easily.

"Well…" Sam said thoughtfully rubbing his chin. "He _has_ been itching to restore that old VW Rabbit of his. Billy wouldn't let him until the truck was gone."

"He isn't even old enough to drive, is he?" Bella asked him.

And just like that, part of what was making me tense like a stretched band of rubber eased considerably. Jake was a kid.

"No but rules on the Res are more relaxed. Just don't tell your old man I said that." He winked at her.

He winked.

Jake may be a kid but Sam certainly wasn't

Time to make my presence known.

I cleared my throat.

Bella turned to me and blushed. "Shoot…sorry. Um…Edward this is Sam, he's an old friend of the family…Sam this is Edward…he's um a new friend."

Friend…well at least it was better than "this guy I go to school with."

"Sam." I said mentally sizing him up, thrusting my hand out, intentionally making my voice going a few octaves lower.

He darted a glance at Bella then shook my hand with an amused tilt of his lips.

"Edward." He said seriously, his dark eyes narrowing slightly.

He was sizing me up too.

Go ahead, I thought.

"Oh there you are." A young dark haired woman came up to us and stood next to Sam.

He dropped my hand immediately and gave the girl next to him a kiss on the top of her head before entwining his hand with hers.

"Emily, let me introduce you to an old friend of mine. This is Bella Swan, Bella, my fiancé Emily." Sam gave me a wide grin and continued. "I used to babysit Bella sometimes when she would visit."

Fiance'? Babysit?

I went giddy with relief and thanked the freakin' stars I hadn't acted like a completely jealous asshole.

"You're Charlie's daughter?" She said kindly.

It was then that I really saw her as she studied Bella. I nearly winced when I saw the long jagged scar down her cheek but I schooled my face to show nothing.

"That's me." Bella replied uncomfortably.

I liked how her body shifted towards mine unconsciously.

Without any reservation at all, she gave Bella a hug.

"I'm so sorry about your mom." She whispered to her.

Bella tensed and I tensed with her. I knew this was a sensitive topic for her via Alice and I kept my eye on her to make sure she wasn't too distressed.

I wanted to protect her.

"So you're seeing the next showing too?" Emily asked us. "Maybe we can sit together."

"Actually, we just walked out of the one that's in there now." I told her.

Sam frowned. "That bad huh?"

"Now don't you get any ideas about backing out, Sam Uley." Emily chided him. "You promised…Men…" She rolled her eyes playfully "They'll do anything to back out of a chic flick…" she looked at Bella and pointed at me. "Don't ever let him get away with it Bella"

Emily thought we were dating.

I hadn't realized how much I wanted what she said to be true until she said it out loud.

Bella blushed furiously and shook her head. "He's not…I mean…we're not…."

Emily glanced at each of us but she didn't seem to look all that convinced. "Oh sorry…I just assumed…"

"Uh…Em…the other movie's getting out now…perhaps we should go wait in line." Sam said.

"Oh, sure. Wouldn't want to get stuck with a lousy seat. Well it was nice meeting you, both."

"Don't be a stranger around the Res either Bella." Sam told her before they walked away.

* * *

><p>That night I laid awake in my bed, staring at the ceiling with my hands behind my head and my ipod on shuffle.<p>

Sleep wasn't going to come and I knew it.

Too many thoughts spun around my head and my brain just wouldn't shut off.

For the first time in a very long time, something important in my life had shifted and changed. I didn't count the move to Forks. Only my location had changed but I had still been the same person; quiet, unaffected, disinterested, some might say arrogant.

But now…I didn't know if I _wanted_ to be that same person anymore. The problem was that skin I had worn for so long was comfortable and safe; a cocoon against the world…keeping me in and others out. I liked it there.

But the skin was now starting to feel too tight…too restrictive and I didn't know how much longer I could wear it.

And it was all because of Bella Swan.


	14. Chapter 14

A/N: So this chapter didn't flow as well as I wanted to but after some scene rewrites, I got it to a point that while not completely satisfied , achieve some of what I am trying to convey.

Please enjoy and review.

* * *

><p>BPOV<p>

Last night better than I expected…

...Better than I had hoped.

Well with the exception of my mini-meltdown.

Which Edward covered for really well by saying something I ate must not have agreed with me and I wasn't feeling well.

I had been infinitely grateful that he had not exposed me.

He had actually been kind and funny…much different from the sullen, moody person I had become used to the past few days.

And of course, I had to reassure Alice that shopping was still on.

I snuggled deeper beneath a mountain of blankets not wanting to get up and the sky outside my window was too gray to be a compelling invitation to do so. However; the smell of fresh coffee brewing from downstairs was.

Scrambling from under the covers, I grimaced as my bare feet hit the cold floor and immediately felt around with my toes for the slippers I always kept under my bed.

The smell of pancakes accompanied the brew of the coffee as I walked downstairs after my shower.

Charlie was cooking?

_Pancakes?_

And not the microwave kind either.

I half expected a pod person to greet me as I entered the kitchen.

"Who _are_ you and what have you done with my father?" I asked Charlie.

He was standing in front of the stove with a perplexed scowl on his face. There was a plate beside him stacked with half burned and half underdone pancakes and batter droplets had formed on the counters, the stove and even on the glass door of the oven.

Okay…correction…Charlie was _trying_ to cook.

"Nevermind." I corrected as I swept my hair into a pony tail.

"It's not working out the way I hoped." He said miserably.

"Okay, Aunt Jemima, step aside." I procured the spatula from his hand and took his place at the stove, barely flipping the currently cooking cake in time before it started to blacken.

"The directions on the box said it would be easy." He grumbled shuffling to the coffee pot, pouring a cup and setting it beside me on the counter.

"Obviously they didn't have you in mind when they wrote them." I teased.

He leaned against the counter taking a sip of his own coffee and nodded approvingly as divvied up the "good" pancakes onto two plates I pulled absently from the cabinet.

I traced the crack in the cheerful floral pattern of one with a slight grin. Charlie still had these plates after all these years.

"You're in a good mood." He stated.

Was I?

Huh…my acting must be improving…I was even able to fool myself.

I shrugged as I gave him his plate and took mine to the table.

"It looks good on you." He added shoving a forkful in his mouth. "Guess you had a good time last night."

I remembered the sense of camaraderie I felt both at dinner and in the theatre despite my anxiety attack…I remembered Edward's concern and my own reaction to it…to _him._

"I did." I said as I traced the sides of my coffee mug, feeling the warmth under my fingertips.

"I'm glad."

He really was. I could see it in the relaxed set of his face. He wasn't walking on eggshells around me wondering what would set me off.

He'd been doing that a lot since Phoenix.

"I saw Sam Uley last night." I told him; using my fork to draw patterns with the syrup on my dish. Flashes of the scarred images of his fiancé swept through my mind.

His face brightened. "Did you?"

I nodded. "I did. He was with his fiance' Emily."

"She's a sweet girl."

"I noticed the uh…" I drew an imaginary line down my jaw unable to say the words out loud. "What happened to her?"

Charlie's expression sobered immediately and I felt awful for even asking but for some reason I had to know. He scrubbed his hand down his face before locking it behind his neck.

"A few years back Sam and Emily went camping in an area of the forest they always went to. They never had a problem before with any of the area's wildlife but this time was different."

I watched as Charlie's eyes were overcome with a darkened faraway look. "Sam went to look for more firewood while Emily was preparing dinner. A wolf must have smelled the food and went to investigate. It ended up mauling poor Emily in the face. Sam came back just before it was about to kill her and he killed it instead."

My hand flew to cover my mouth.

"She must have been devastated." I whispered knowingly when I could find my own voice.

"You would think so but she wasn't…not like you'd expect anyway. I think Sam was more affected than she was."

"Because of the scar?"

Charlie gave me a weird look. "No." He said almost angrily. "Because he realized how close he came to losing her. I don't even think he sees the scar when he looks at her." He sighed, giving me a look filled with hidden knowledge. "But you're not really asking for Emily's sake are you? You're wondering about you and the scars you have."

He could be so perceptive sometimes. My eyes filled with tears and I blinked them away as I dumped my syrup congealed pancakes in the trash.

I no longer had an appetite.

His chair scraped on the floor as he got up and stood right in front of me, placing his hands on my shoulders. I couldn't look at him…see the anguish in his eyes…anguish that I caused.

He had been in such a good mood and I pissed all over it.

"Bella, the right man won't run from your scars, he'll embrace them because they're part of who you are."

* * *

><p>Alice took her shopping seriously...<em>very<em> seriously.

On the long trip to Seattle, she launched into her plan of attack; where we would start and where we would end up, whipping out store coupons and handing them to Rosalie and I.

"So, if she starts spontaneously throwing clothes at you that you _must_ try on, don't panic." Rose whispered to me as the three of us walked the corridor of the crowded Pacific Place Mall.

Suddenly, I wonder if this shopping excursion is a good idea with my limited resources and my limited choices in clothes.

"She doesn't _really_ do that, does she?" I asked warily.

Rosalie gave me an amused look with a nod. "Just consider yourself her human Barbie Doll for the day."

I nearly snorted. Barbie Doll? More like the cheap imitation one they sold in dollar stores with that horrible plastic smell.

"Is it too late to turn around and go home?" I asked only half joking.

Alice stopped and turned around with a mock glare of annoyance. "I am right here, you know." Then she smiled as she eyed me up and down while tapping her chin. "I'm going to have so much fun dressing you...so much potential."

I looked down at myself wondering what she saw that I didn't. My parka was unzipped revealing a ivory sweater and blue jeans that didn't quite fit anymore. I had lost weight while in the hospital and everything swam on me.

Not that I minded too much.

It was easier to hide in plain sight that way.

"Alice is a fashion addict." Rosalie explained.

"Future Vogue editor, thank you very much." She corrected with what would have been a smug response if it wasn't for the huge grin that punctuated the end of her response.

The way she said it, I had no doubt she would be.

True to Rosalie's words, the first department store we entered, Alice had flitted from rack to rack in the Junior department pulling clothes off hangers and holding them up to me. I put my foot down on the short sleeved and the mid drift tops explaining the need for full top coverage saying I had anemia and I had a tendency to be cold.

The lie rolled off my tongue as if I had been practicing it for years.

And I hated myself for it.

"Blue." Rosalie nodded at the top Alice held up. "Definitely blue. What do you think Bella?"

"Blue is nice." I said noncommittally. "But you could probably where any color."

Rosalie laughed. "Not for me, for you."

"Oh and plums and deep reds too." Alice added. "Jewel tones are definitely her colors."

"Forest green would look great too."

I was beginning to feel overwhelmed as they went back and forth. My intention was to only pick up a few things, not buy a whole new wardrobe. What was I dressing up for anyway?

"Guys, wait." I interrupted them. "I appreciate your advice but I don't even have a job here yet. My funds are kind of low."

"No worries." Alice said going over to the sales rack. "How much do you have? We'll make it work."

I tried to calculate in my head how much I had put in my wallet this morning combined with whatever was left over from last night.

One fifty, _maybe_?

I pulled out my wallet to double check. Inside the folds were three crisp one hundred dollar bills attached together with paper clip and a post it note in Charlie's quick scrawl on top of it.

_Happy Belated Christmas, Bells_

We hadn't celebrated Christmas, not really.

Charlie must have known I would have put up a fight had he tried to give me money outright so he snuck it in my bag.

Blinking back the tears, I put the wallet back in my purse.

"Bella? What's wrong?" Alice asked tentatively touching my arm. "Is it the money cause if it is…"

"No, I have enough." I forced a smile, wiping at the corner of my eye. "I think a piece of dust just flew into my eye."

Neither of them looked convinced but they didn't push it and for that I was grateful.

Several shopping bags later we were seated at the food court eating salad and drinking Mochaccinos. According to Alice, once you had one, you'd never go back to regular coffee.

She was right.

Especially when it came with a shot of espresso.

I needed it. I was completely exhausted after trekking around for a few hours on barely any sleep, in and out of one store after another. I never liked shopping. It was a mere necessity for me and nothing more. I could never be like Alice, who got such pure enjoyment over searching through clothes racks for the "perfect" find.

If I didn't see something I liked right away after a once over perusal of a store, I was out the door. Renee had always been the one to chide me into a second look. She was like Alice in that way.

Renee had almost a child-like exuberance when it came to most things.

I missed her.

"You're so far away Bella." Alice said softly. "Are you having buyer's remorse already?"

I gave her what was probably a sad, wistful smile.

"I was just remembering the times my mom and I would go shopping."

I could see I had Rose and Alice's rapt attention now. Their cups hung suspended by their mouths before they slowly lowered them to the table; settling them down before leaning forward, eyes wide who curiosity.

"She was what I would call bohemian chic." I continued, partly in wonder that I could even speak about this at all while the pain was still fresh.. "She used to find these out of the way flea markets and drag me from stall to stall, rummaging through countless bins and hangers…"

I remembered the huge flea market we went to while we lived in New Mexico.

_The New Mexico sun was dry and hot and all I wanted to do was take shelter in the shade away from the crowd of other shoppers with a large bottle of water but Renee had other ideas._

_"Ooh, these would be perfect." Renee held up a pair of dangling turquoise earrings. "I could get a pair for you and we'd match."_

_"I must have these." She insisted, holding up a pair of mosaic tiled candle holders l for my approval._

_At another stand she held up a Native American designed turquoise dress to herself and looked into a dusty mirror that was leaning against the wall._

_"This peasant dress would look absolutely adorable with the earrings. How about I buy one for each of us? You need variety in your wardrobe. It's all t shirts, shorts and jeans." She chastised with a smile._

_Mentally, I was assessing and calculating how much we had in the bank; if we could afford the extra expense. We couldn't but I didn't have the heart to tell her. Instead, I vowed I'd make it up by seeing if any of more of our neighbors required my babysitting skills._

_"I don't need anything, Mom." I told her. "Just get what you want for yourself."_

She got me the earrings and the peasant dress anyway, claiming you only live once.

I still had them. Phil had made Renee get rid of the candle holders.

"…She used to find the best things in a pile of junk, ya know? Whether it was a candle holder, a small little knick knack or earrings she would only wear once." I bit my lip and turned away, taking a sip of my frothy drink to keep the emotions locked inside.

"Sounds like my type of girl." Alice winked and nudged me playfully with her elbow.

"She would've liked you too." I told her honestly after clearing my suddenly clogged throat. "_Soooo…_" I said drawing out the word, stabbing at the cherry tomato on my plate with the plastic fork.

"_Soooo_…" Rosalie repeated catching the obvious cue for a change in subject. "Let's talk guys."

Apparently this was a subject they both warmed to immediately.

It left me feeling cold.

Never having been in a relationship and now, despite what Charlie told me this morning, the chances seem pretty slim.

Not that I would ever confine someone to me like that. I had already wreaked a path of destruction. There was no need to add to the list of casualties.

"So, Bella what about you?" Alice asked me.

"What about me, what?" I startled when I realized I was being addressed. My face heated a bit when I realized I wasn't even listening to them.

"When you see a guy, what do you look at first?" Rosalie elaborated, not even fazed by my lack of attention. "I said shoulders. I _love_ a man with big, broad shoulders." She added with relish and an exaggerated lick of her lips.

"Hence Emmett." Alice retorted wryly. "And I look at the whole package….ya know...how it all works together."

"Which is why her choice in Jasper is so amusing." Rosalie smirked but I could see there was no malice only affection for her brother. "She went relentless on his ass until he finally succumbed."

Again her words held affection. I couldn't help but feel the bitter sting of jealousy at their bond. They were more than friends, they were family.

"So, what about you, little Miss Bella?"

Stormy green eyes, invaded my vision. Bottomless orbs filled with a thousand untold secrets gazed at me…penetrating me, surrounding my soul within warm folds until I radiated with heat.

I must be a masochist for wanting something I could never have…never had a right to have.

"Oh my…look at her blush." Rosalie clapped with glee. "It's asses isn't it? Bella is a total ass chic."

I shook my head, feeling the blush that had only stained my face, spread all over my body.

"Eyes." I corrected her, softly. "It's all about the eyes. They say what the mouth does not, sometimes what the mouth cannot. It's the only part of someone that cannot truly be masked"

"Wow." Rosalie's voice was filled with awe. "I just got a chill. That was fucking profound Bella."

I blushed harder, hiding my face behind the cup of mochaccino even though there was nothing left to drink.

"Is there a face attached to those eyes of yours?" Alice asked, her eyes twinkling with mirth.

"No." I shook my head but I think my uncontrollable wistful smile gave me away.


	15. Chapter 15

A/N - moving right along...still in BPOV P.S. I love reviews.

BPOV

She was wearing glasses today, stylish ones with invisible frames perched on the bridge of her nose giving her a classy librarian look complete with an ivory cashmere sweater and black wool pants.

Even in my new clothes, I felt out of place and underdressed sitting before her.

"How was your weekend?" Dr. Platt asked me, her pen poised in her fingers over her writing pad, ever ready to pick apart my life and write it down in scrawled notes on legal sized paper.

The question was so ordinary I blinked owlishly a few time to process it. I had been expecting her to ask something more profound, more soul searching. Maybe she was working up to it.

"Umm…good." I said, picking at my thumb cuticles and watching the dead skin flake off like snow onto my jeans.

"What did you do?" I could feel her inquisitive caramel gaze made no less intense masked by glasses over her eyes, urging me to open up, even if just a little.

Averting my gaze toward the window where the sky was already beginning to darken, I contemplated the twilight hour that was falling on us…how quickly day turned to night when we weren't even paying attention. Winter could be so desolate…so unforgiving.

I looked back at Dr. Platt, aware that I still hadn't answered her question.

"Friday night I went to the movies, Saturday I went shopping and on Sunday I did homework."

I ticked off the events with as much enthusiasm as I put into reading off a grocery list.

It surprised me at how utterly normal that sounded…just like any other teenager.

"Really?" She leaned forward in her plush chair seemingly inordinately pleased by this information. "And how was it?"

"It was…" nice…weird…new…all of the above? "…It was normal." I finally responded.

I detected a subtle frown on the good doctor's face. Apparently she was looking for something more descriptive.

"No anxiety attacks?" She questioned looking up from her writing pad.

Okay, normal except for that. "There were a couple of…uh…episodes." I admitted, cringing as I said the word, hating the way it made me feel weak and dependent…like I couldn't control my own reactions to otherwise completely mundane situations.

"Can you tell me about them? Do you know what set them off?"

I sighed heavily and decided to make up for my lack of thesaurus worthy descriptions. "The first one was before I went to the movies. The last time I had been to the movies had been that night…"

I didn't elaborate what "that night" was, she already knew. Unable to remain sitting, pretending a calmness, I stood up and wandered absently towards the fish tank. Hugging myself, I watched the tropical fish swim around and around.

Did they realize they were swimming in circles, never getting out of their well-camouflaged prison?

"I did the breathing exercised you showed me last week." I continued turning to her when I realized she was patiently waiting for me to elaborate. She had swiveled her chair to face me.

"That's very good." She smiled proudly. "And the other one?"

"Was way more embarrassing." I rolled my eyes self-depreciatingly, opting for a light to push away the suffocating darkness of the memories I did retain from that night. "It was in the movie theatre." I went on to explain.

Dr. Platt's face expresses sympathy, her mouth forms a silent "O" of understanding.

"I guess we can add violent movies to my growing list of triggers." I smirked derisively and hugged myself a little tighter.

It's astounding how quickly I have picked up on the psychological buzz words.

There was more scribbling of on paper, the flight of the pen moving steadily, controlled within her fingers.

"That's understandable and normal." She said matter-of-factly.

_Normal_…there was that word again.

I couldn't withhold a snort. What about having an anxiety attack in the middle of a movie theatre was even _remotely_ normal?

"Normal for what you're going through." She corrected kindly as if she heard my thoughts. "Did you do the exercises again?"

I slumped back down in the chair across from her, my arms still wrapped around my middle, bending in on myself. "It didn't work. I tried but the screams were too loud, the blood too red…" I shook my head back and forth trying to clear out the sounds even now. "One of the people I was with saw what was happening and he pulled me out of the theatre…" I chuckled darkly at the memory. "He…" I gave a hard swallow. "…Edward seemed to know exactly what to do…with the breathing…he reminded me of you."

Her pen stilled as she shot me a look that I couldn't interpret before she covered it with a smile.

"I'm glad someone was able to help you. " She said softly before clearing her throat. "Okay, so you mentioned going out felt 'normal'." With her fingers, she made quotation marks in the air. "Normal as in when you used to do the same things in the past with other friends?"

"Normal." I cringed. "as in what I've seen _others_ do." I correct.

The pen she had been holding so carefully, dropped to the floor, bouncing once on the carpet. She bent down to retrieve it, pushing a stray hair that fell in front of her face behind her ear. She looked at me quizzically when she straightened back up in her seat.

"I'm not sure what you mean. Did you not go out with friends in Phoenix?"

"Phoenix or anywhere else we lived, I suppose" I shrugged biting down on my bottom lip. "I never knew when Renee would decide to pick up and move. It was easier to remain…unattached."

Dr. Platt's expression turned very grave and serious. I began to feel like one of those one-celled organisms trapped under a microscope from Biology class. Shifting uncomfortably, I brought my leg up under me, trying to curl into the chair.

"How often did you move, Bella?" Her tone was deceptively quiet, her brows furrowed forming a small "v" over the bridge of her nose. I flinched under the weight of the question.

"Um…well we lived with my Grandmother…Renee's mom for about five years until I was ten so she could get back on her feet again, get a college degree and all that."

Saying this out loud started to hit home how other's might perceive Renee. But she couldn't help who she was and I had been responsible enough for the both of us.

"And after that?"

"I don't know." I had to look away from her as I tried to be casual about it. "Every couple of years…sometimes less."

New Orleans had been a total bust, just four months total. Neither of us could tolerate the heavy muggy air or the large bugs and the devastation from Katrina just made the whole area too depressing.

"Your mother liked to move?"

I shook my head, trying to think over the question. Who really likes to move? I hated it; the packing of your life to fit into as little boxes as possible, the uncertainness of the future.

"I don't know if she really _liked_ it, per se…I just think she was looking for something she never found."

_I've got a good feeling about this place, baby_…I heard the words in her voice echo in my head.

"What about you? Did _you_ like to move."

I couldn't help the disgusted, cynical sound that came out of my mouth. "No. It was always such a chore but it made Renee happy. She liked to look at it as some sort of exotic adventure. In the beginning, for me, it was. But not after the first couple of times."

"Did you ever tell her that?"

I caressed the small sandal charm around my neck like a worry stone and talisman. It had been a gift from Renee, when she decided to leave the beaches of Florida for the dry desert climate of New Mexico.

"Like I said…it made her happy."

* * *

><p>The session had drained me. I sat in my truck in the parking lot of the medical office complex, shamefaced and staring straight ahead at the five storied building. The cold puffs of air from my breath surrounded me in the cab of the vehicle as I waited for it to heat up.<p>

The trouble was; I didn't feel like I could move let alone drive.

I could still see the dismay in Dr. Platt's eyes when I revealed to her mine and Renee's nomadic lifestyle. The way she looked made it seem so wrong and maybe…just maybe deep down, I knew it was. Maybe that was my fault too. If I spoke up and said something, she may have settled down, we may have never moved to Phoenix, she would have never met that monster. And she would still be here with me.

But I had remained quiet…letting her take the lead because it made her happy.

A knock on my window made me jump. Clutching my heart, I turned my head to come face to face with a grinning Edward Cullen.

What the hell?

He looks only slightly apologetic for scaring the hell out of me. He's signaling for me to roll the window down with one hand that's holding a paper bag and his other hand is cupped in front of his mouth. Mesmerized I watch as his cheeks puff outward while he blows warmth into his hand.

Straining to crank the window handle, it lowers slowly, creaking as it descends.

Criminy, when was the last time this window was used?

A blast of wind whistles through the opening and I shiver inside my parka. I am not sure if it has to do with the cold or the bronze haired guy that's currently leaning into my window.

"Do you always make it a happen of sneaking up on people?" I teased him.

I am impressed that I am able to pull myselg together so quickly.

"Only on brunettes sitting alone in the dark in dilapidated old Chevy trucks." He quipped back with a smile.

His smile is as infectious as it is soothing. There is something about him that provides a balm to my aching soul. Maybe it was his goofy smile or the way his bemused green eyes held me in their throes.

"Don't hate the truck." I warn with a grin.

He laughed and leaned sideways on the door. "So what's a girl like you doing in a place like this?"

"I had an appointment." It was a big building with lots of medical offices. There was no way he would know I was doing anything more than just a routine checkup. "You?"

He held up the bag and nodded towards the building. "Bringing my mom take out."

Oh, that's right. He did mention both parents were doctors.

"You feeling alright?" He asked with a frown.

I gulped. "Yeah, just a routine check up…you know."

"Oh, okay…good."

He didn't sound too convinced.

Maybe because I was a terrible liar.

Awkward.

"Well, I better let you go get that to your mom." I nodded at the bag, placing my hand on the gear shift before I could dig the hole I was standing in any deeper.

"Wait! What are you doing right now?"

"Right now?" I parroted dumbfounded at why he wanted to know.

He rolled his eyes. "No, in three hours. Yes, right now."

Two could play that game.

"Well, right now I am sitting in my dilapidated old Chevy truck talking to you." I tried to be deadpan but I could feel the corners of my lips tilt upward.

"Touche' Miss Swan." He seemed to consider something for a moment, cocking his head to the side as he was.

"What?" I asked through shivering lips and chattering teeth.

I was starting to feel uncomfortable under his scrutiny.

He grinned like a kid suddenly. "Hold that thought." He said tapping my truck with his palm. "I'll be right back."

He took off running towards the doors of the building.

"Wait!" I shouted out the window. "What are you…?"

"Shut your windows or you'll freeze." I heard him yell back right before he disappeared through the double glass doors.

"Great." I grumbled, forcefully turning the window handle with much effort and turning the heat up as high as it could go. I felt the hot blast on my face through the vents.

Now what? What does he want? It can't be homework help. Do I just sit here and wait? Should I leave and apologize tomorrow in school? Would he be upset if I took off before he came back down?

The thought of his feelings being wounded was suddenly abhorrent to me; like my whole body shied away from the concept.

Then maybe you are the last person that should be friends with him…with anyone.

A tingling sense of foreboding wormed it's way up my spine.

So turning my radio on and closing my eyes, I sat and waited.

I heard a creak to my left, felt a blast of cold air before the door slammed. Startled by the noise but not to the intrusion in my truck, I jumped a bit before turning to face who I knew would be beside me just based on my overall awareness of him alone.

Only the grinning teasing Edward that stood outside my truck moments ago was replaced by a grim faced one. I sat up straighter in the seat. The vinyl crinkled beneath me.

Edward was angry. His mouth was compressed into a thin line as he stared at me. I gulped nervously as I watched him reach over and switch the radio off using more force than necessary.

"What is your problem?" I asked acidly.

He pressed his forefinger and thumb against the bridge of his nose and clenched his eyes shut.

"Do you know what dangers you invite leaving your car door unlocked in the middle of a dark parking lot? What _could_ have happened to you?" He shook his head, his fingers never leaving their place on his nose. "Of course you don't"

Whoa! Was he scolding me? The idea of some madman attacking me in my car, inflicting more damage than had already been inflicted on me by another madman was laughable. I couldn't control the nervous giggle that escaped.

Edward caught me with his green gaze, silencing me. "You think this is_ funny_?" He hissed.

The laugh bubbled from me again and I quickly covered up my mouth to suppress the maniacal sound.

"I'm sorry." I apologized contritely when his eyes narrowed even further. "I just don't know why you're getting all bent out of shape. This is Forks."

His hands fist, knuckles white, he inhales deeply; nostrils flaring.

"You think just because this is Forks, men are immune to the lure of beautiful young women sitting alone and vulnerable in a car at night…."

He continues in his seething tone, but I can't hear anything past the word beautiful.

I am stunned.

And I am in pain.

Because I know it's not true.

He can't see the scars that mar my body

Or taint my soul.

And he is still ranting on about hidden dangers.

And I am the most hidden danger of all.

"Don't you have anything to say?" He asks.

"You just called me beautiful." I whispered disbelievingly.

He looks at me like I am crazy.

Maybe I am.

He barked out a laugh, covering his face with his hands while shaking his head.

I missed the joke.

I hear him suck in a breath before he looks at me…stares really. I can almost feel the green warmth of it blanketing me…cocooning me.

"Because you _are_ beautiful." He states it like it's a well known fact.

Only I know it's a myth.

"So." I clear my throat knowing that it's best to gloss over this entirely before I can do into deeper waters. "Was there some reason you wanted me to wait for you?"


	16. Chapter 16

A/N - So I kind of like how this chapter turned out. I hope you will too. Please enjoy and review.

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><p>EPOV<p>

Bella has been eerily quiet throughout my tirade about her safety. I almost felt guilty for going off on her. _Almost_.

Jesus, what is happening to me?

I can still taste the bitter essence of fear on my tongue. My mind's eye can still see her with her eyes closed, head rested back against the seat.

My heart still thumps painfully in my chest from the terror when I tried the passenger side door, just for kicks and was horrified when it opened immediately as I pulled on it.

For just one split second, I envisioned her dead and I couldn't breathe under the suffocating weight…under the feeling of loss so intense that I nearly fell to my knees on the cold ground.

Then she opened her luminescent brown eyes and all that fear morphed into anger.

"Don't you have _anything_ to say?" I ask her.

"You just called me beautiful." She whispered with her eyes wide with awe. Her tone was without guile and utterly disbelieving.

After all that, _that's_ what she picked up on? That I called her beautiful? Has no one ever remarked upon what was so obvious to me and everyone else that she is shocked over the sentiment?

I couldn't help it. I laughed into my palms, shaking my head in incredulity.

She certainly is not predictable.

Inhaling sharply, I come back to myself and turn to look at her. Once again I am trapped in her too big eyes, consumed by how heartbreaking lovely she is.

"Because you _are_ beautiful." My voice is filled with conviction and unwavering certainty.

She doubts me. I can see it. I can _feel_ it.

Before I can try to convince her further the truth of my words, to take this conversation down a path I didn't know if she was ready for or if _I_ was even ready for, for that matter, she cleared her throat and began to speak.

I knew the moment, if there was one, was over.

"So, was there some reason you wanted me to wait for you?"

_Right._ She had waited for me and I still had no clue what to say to hold her. My fuzzy brain scrambled for plausible reasons.

"The English assignment…I am having a bit of trouble coming up with a topic for my paper."

I saw interest warring with wariness in her eyes. I had a feeling the interest would win.

"Really? You?"

"Well I have a _few_ ideas but I could really use a second opinion and if you haven't noticed, I'm not exactly Mr. Popularity."

I heard her snort and it was adorable.

"I still find that hard to believe." She grumbled under her breath.

I decided not to tell her I preferred it that way.

I nodded slowly. "So, will you help me? We could…uh…" I glanced around and thanked God for the small lit diner sign blinking across the street. Surely the fates were aligning to help me. "…grab something to eat and discuss it."

She worried her bottom lip with her two front teeth, her eyes darting towards the diner and it took a behemoth effort not to groan aloud.

"Please." I added, imploring her with my eyes to press my cause.

"I would have to call my Dad."

Ding, ding ding, we have a winner.

"Of course." I smiled.

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><p>She was laughing, hysterically; an earthy, melodious sound that I knew I had already committed to memory to replay in my head over and over again.<p>

"Seriously, Edward." She giggled wiping at the tears of laughter that gathered at the corners of her eyes "You cannot title your term paper 'Romeo Was An Idiot'"

"I _told_ you I needed help." I laughed right along with her. "So, I should change the title then?"

"You should change your whole thesis. You can't completely eradicate one of Shakespeare's greatest works. The teacher will fail you."

"Even if it's true?"

"It is not!"

She was so indignant, so passionate in her defense, I couldn't help but goad her more. There was a fire in her eyes now.

It was intoxicating.

And I was addicted.

"Sure he was." I argued. "First of all in the beginning of the play, he's puke worthy mooning over some chic named Rosalind. Then he meets Juliet at a party he gets led into crashing by his idiot friend and Blammo Whammo, he falls in love with her. He's completely fickle."

"Blammo Whammo? Is that a technical term?" Her eyes are twinkling with mirth.

"Yes." I manage completely straight faced.

"_Or…_" Bella, I know is going to counter my argument. It's in the way her body writhes just a little her seat before she leans forward, tapping her index finger on the table to emphasize case en pointe. Her eyes gleam in anticipation of taking me down a notch and I am more than ready to fall.

"…When he meets Juliet, he realizes he never truly loved Rosalind. What he feels for Juliet is a thousand times stronger. The pull is immediate and intense."

I could so empathize with Romeo the way Bella tells it.

Leaning forward on the tacky formica table of our booth, my elbows push over my half eaten plate of fries. It's my turn.

"He's impulsive and hotheaded…stupidly so…a fact that is demonstrated time after time over the course of the play...a play that may not even be an original work of Shakespeare."

"Blaspheme." She nearly shouts but there is a smile on her lips. "That has still yet to be proven."

I watched as she wrapped her lips around her straw and took a long pull, sucking the soda into her mouth.

Heat shot through me and I was instantly hard.

_Jesus H. Christ._

Gotta think of something else.

"Uh…so…"

"Edward, are you shaking your leg up and down?"

I looked down…_shit!_

There was my leg bouncing nervously like a freakin' jumping bean, probably vibrating her and everyone else connected to our booth.

Real smooth, Cullen. Impress her with your anxiety stricken idiosyncrasies.

Blood immediately rushed from my groin to my ears.

"Sorry." I said sheepishly. "Nervous habit…so where…uh…were we?"

Bella chuckled. "Um…Shakespeare was a plagiarist?"

"The teacher's going to hate it, huh?"

"Maybe." She said, her eyes cast downward in thought while her delicate fingers stroked the condensation on her glass.

No, not again.

I cleared my throat to cover a groan.

"So do you have any ideas?"

"Well, there was a paper I wrote last term, in my other school that I got an A on." She looked at me and blushed prettily before shaking her head. "But I don't know...it may be a bit too progressive for Forks High."

"After that blush…you have to tell me...besides Forks High could use some shaking up, don't you think?"

She smiled in agreement and after she chewed on another fry from our shared plate, she spoke.

"It was about Lewis Carroll."

"The children's writer? As in Alice in Wonderland?" I scoffed. What about Lewis Carroll could cause a blush like that?

"Oh yes." She nodded eagerly. "Lewis Carroll, drugs and little girls, specifically." She stated seriously, "For instance, did you know there was a real life Alice? Her name was Alice Liddell. She was ten years old and Lewis Carroll was obsessed with her. He used to draw pictures of her."

I nearly spewed my soda all over the table.

"You mean like _kiddie porn_?"

"NO!" Her blush became darker, more crimson in color. "They were perfectly innocent pictures but her parents thought there was something inappropriate about the relationship so they banned him from seeing her."

"I should hope so." I snickered. "And the drugs?"

"Well in the book, he describes a caterpillar sitting on a mushroom, smoking a hookah pipe. It's not such a stretch to figure out what he's writing about."

"So are you two like dating now? My my, Bella, you certain do have all the boys at school eating out of your fingertips…even the untouchable ones."

I tensed immediately; my mind hearing the endgame bleeps of the Pac Man game. I would recognize that horrid, nasally voice anywhere.

I also didn't need the not so subtle reminder that I wasn't the only one seeking Bella's attention.

"Hi, Lauren." Bella greeted her with a grumble.

I grinned. Bella was as enthusiastic about Lauren's interruption as I was.

"Edward." Lauren pivoted to me, her expression expectant as she waited for acknowledgement.

I was loathe to give it to her.

"Lauren." I nodded once...tersely; my smile disappearing replaced by a scowl.

Lauren had been the bane of my existence my first few weeks in Forks; throwing herself at me at every opportunity and once actually copping a feel to which I had let her know in no certain terms that I was not interested and not to touch me ever.

It never stopped her from trying occasionally though.

"So." She began to twirl her hair. "You never answered my question. Are you on a date or what?"

I wanted to tell her yes and to fuck off.

"We're going over our English assignment." Bella informed her.

I could tell Bella was uncomfortable with Lauren's narrow eyed scrutiny and it pissed me off.

"Are _you_ on a date?" I asked looking around the restaurant. "Who's the unlucky guy?"

"You are such an asshole." She huffed and walked off.

"That was mean." Bella chastised but her eyes held a twinkle in them so I knew she didn't mind all that much.

"She's a bitch." I retorted. "And she's jealous of you."

"Of _me_?" Bella squeaked. "Whatever for? She's the most popular girl at school."

Not anymore, I thought. There was something about Bella Swan that people naturally gravitated to. I knew first hand.

"You don't see yourself very clearly, do you?"

Her mouth pressed into a thin line and pain dimmed the brown of her eyes. "I see myself just fine." She whispered turning away.

Uh oh…I knew a red button when I stepped on one. It was time to back pedal.

"_Sooo…_" I drew out the word awkwardly and took another bite of my cheeseburger.

Better burger than foot, I always say.

"So why did she call you untouchable?" Bella was looking at me curiously, like she was trying to solve a puzzle.

"Hmm, let's just say that Lauren was kind of aggressive in her advances of me when I first moved here and I kind of let her know in a not so nice way that I wanted nothing to do with her."

It may have went more like "get your desperate hands off me, you pathetic bitch" but given Bella's kind nature, I decided to spare her the details of the conversation.

"But I don't want to talk about Lauren Mallory…"

"Oh right…" Bella flushed. "You still need a topic for your paper."

"Yeah." I nodded although I didn't want to talk about the paper either.

* * *

><p>"What did you do, hunt and forage the food before you brought it to Mom?" Alice queried the moment I shut the front door.<p>

"Where's Jasper?" I countered, not ready to divulge where I had been. I wanted to keep it to myself for a while.

"He already went home." She said flippantly, absently turning through pages of her latest magazine. "Ugh seersucker pants, again?" Her face scrunched in disgust.

I took this as my cue to escape.

"Well, I'm going to finish my homework." I told her as I made my way to the stairs. I was about half way up before she called out to me.

"You're hiding something."

I stopped mid climb and looked over the railing at her. She was peering up at me now with narrowed eyes, tapping on her chin. Eyeing her warily, I watched as she got up slowly and came towards me like a predator. "Yup…definitely hiding something."

I sighed. "Why do you think that?"

"You mean aside from your little disappearing act…which you _never_ do by the way." She shrugged. "You aren't as broody as usual. Ergo, something is up."

"And maybe it's not _your_ business." I hissed.

Leaving her gaping at me on the stairs, I continued my way to my room and shut the door behind me.

I loved my sister but Jesus, can't I have anything for myself? Tossing my book bag on the bed, I turned up my stereo, letting the soothing strains of Tchaikovsky fill the room.

From my pocket, I pulled out the folded paper placemat from the diner and carefully smoothed out the creases, bemusingly noting the ringed stain from my glass. One side had a cheesy map of the Olympic Peninsula "Places to Visit" and the other side was filled with Bella's writing; all term paper ideas we discussed ranging from the serious thesis' to the downright comical, including my Romeo was an Idiot idea.

I chuckled with the memory as I read over the list.

"What's that?"

I swung around, placemat still in hand to see Alice watching me.

"Jesus, Allie" I raked my fingers through my hair. "I don't come into your room without knocking."

"I'm sorry." She pouted, clutching her hands behind her back, looking down towards the floor.

Well at least she had the decency to look contrite.

A little too contrite.

I hated when she did this…looked all sad and shit so I would feel bad and give her what she wanted. It was one of her biggest ploys and damn it, it always worked.

I sighed heavily in frustration. "Well you're probably going to find out about it sooner or later."

"Yeah?" She looked at me in anticipation.

Shuffling my feet, suddenly uncomfortable, I continued. "I ran into Bella when I went to give Mom her take out and we kind of hung out a bit."

"You went out on a _date_?" She sounded part accusing and part hurt.

I rolled my eyes at her.

"It wasn't a date." I corrected her.

It was the best non-date I ever had.

The only date…non or otherwise, I ever had as well.

I shouldered around Alice and grabbed my back pack from the bed and started to yank out some books. I felt her indignant gaze follow me.

"That's it? That's _all_ you're going to say?" She asked in exasperation; hand on hips and nostrils flaring. I would've laughed at her if I didn't think she was contemplating kicking me in the balls for being so tight lipped.

"There's nothing else to say." I shrugged, not meeting her eyes. "We ran into each other and I asked her for help with our English assignment, we ate food like normal human beings do when they're hungry…end of story."

"Who paid?" She demanded and at my confused look, she clarified. "For dinner, who paid?"

"We each paid for our own food." I admitted ruefully.

It had been an argument though. Bella had vehemently insisted she pay her share of the bill even when I tried to argue with her that I should since I am the one who asked her for help. She wasn't going to let it go though so I had to reluctantly concede.

_"You are so stubborn." I had grumbled._

_"Well, right back at ya." She had replied._

"Really?" Alice narrowed her eyes suspiciously. "Okay then, since when you have _you_ ever needed help with your homework?"

I felt the heat in my ears. She had me there.

"Ah ha!" She pointed at me. "I knew it. Your ears always give you away."

"Why is this such a big deal to you?"

Her expression turned sad again and this time I knew it was for real. She sat down defeated on my bed, curling her legs underneath her small frame.

"You're my brother, Edward and I love you but Bella is _my_ friend. I don't have very many as you know."

I sat down next to her, instantly sympathetic. "Alice."

"I know this sounds selfish but if things go the way I think they might than Bella won't be just _my_ friend anymore…She'll be spending all her time with you and I'll have nothing."

"Oh, you mean like what happened when I was friends with Jasper and the two of you suddenly go all cow eyed for each other." I said suddenly resentful and angry, no longer sympathetic. "You're right. It _is_ selfish." I added disgustedly as I stood up.

Alice flinched. "I didn't know you felt that way about Jazz and me."

Did I? No. I was happy about Jasper and Alice's relationship and up until lately I never felt left out or pushed aside but I also didn't want Alice telling me what to do when she was guilty of it herself.

"That's not how I feel." I huffed. "I _do_ feel, however, like you're telling me not to do something you had no qualms about doing yourself. I never asked you not to be with Jazz. I was happy for you. I still am. Plus you're making this thing out with Bella to be something it's not. We are just friends."

"For now." She whispered with tears in her eyes and a small knowing smile on her face.. "I'm sorry, Edward. I wasn't thinking. Of course I have no right to tell you what to do. It's just my insecurities talking. I was wrong."

I hated it when she cried. It made her look so small and vulnerable…well smaller than usual. Pulling her up on her feet, I enveloped her in a hug.

"It's okay Alice, I forgive you."

She nodded into my shoulder. "But I'm right about Bella, though"

I chuckled.

Sneaky pixie.

* * *

><p>Jasper slid into the desk next to mine with a smirk on his face directed right at me. His right eyebrow raised at me in question and I knew right away Alice told him about last night…well at least the part about Bella Swan.<p>

"Not you too." I whispered harshly.

The bastard just chuckled at me. "Relax." He patted my back. "I know you better than that."

"What do you mean?" I eyed him suspiciously, straightening up from my slumped position over my desk. Just what exactly was he trying to say?

"You analyze shit to death like the anal retentive ass you are…pun intended." He gave me a one-sided smirk. "You would never make a move that quickly without obsessing twelve ways from Sunday about it."

"So you think I can't be impulsive?" I said not bothering to hide the insult in my tone.

Little does he know, I snort. Wasn't it impulse that made me throw my fears to the wind last night and talk to Bella; make up some half assed excuse to hang out with her? My need to spend time alone with Bella Swan completely derailed any anxiety I had.

Jazz shrugged. The smirk never left his face.

* * *

><p>It was right before lunch that shit hit the fan.<p>

Emmett caught up with me on my way to the cafeteria but the usual jovial look he wore had been swiped blank, expressionless except for the dark gleam in his eyes. His hand clamped down hard on my arm and he pulled me quickly down the hall.

"Jesus, Emmett." I shook him off still trying to keep pace with him. Didn't he realize what a death grip he had? "Rip my arm off why don't ya?"

"It's Little Bird." He said softly but I could hear an underlying anger to his tone.

It was Bella. He was talking about Bella.

All my muscles tensed and my brain went on immediate lock down.

"What happened?"

My mind was already conjuring up all sorts of horrible things. Was she in an accident? Was she sick? Did she have another anxiety attack?

"Lauren Mallory happened…here." He shoved his cell phone into my hand. "Read Rosie's text."

He wanted me to read when I couldn't focus on anything past the Lauren Mallory part? I glanced down at the phone in my trembling hand and scanned Rosalie's short, cryptic text.

_Not able to make lunch. We're with Bella. Shit went down with Mallory._

Feeling sick, I handed Emmett back his phone.

I should've known Lauren would stir up shit. If only I kept my mouth shut last night and played nice…well _civil_ at least.

"Fuck!" I yelled taking my anger out on the nearest locker with a resonating bang of my fist.

"I hear ya bro." His face twisted into a snarl. 'The jealous little hobag."

Whoa. I had never heard Emmett speak like that about a girl before.

"Did Rose tell you where they are?"

I needed to find her. I needed to know what kind of "shit" Rose was talking about. Her message didn't go into details and I had no idea if Bella was upset or hurt or both.

"No." he said grimly.

"Then where are you taking me?"

"Cafeteria." He stopped dead and turned to me, placing his large meaty hands on my shoulders. Why did it feel like he was restraining me?

"Word is gonna spread through the school like a freakin' five alarm fire. I wanted to find you and give you a heads up before you caught wind of it and lost all your shit." He grinned.

Too late.

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><p>AN – Just as an amusing side note; when I was in high school, I actually did write an English term paper titled "Lewis Carroll, Drugs and Little Girls" and I did get an "A" on it.


	17. Chapter 17

A/N - You probably have already figure it out by now but I don't own these characters...just taking them out for a spin. Hope you enjoy this one. Bella has appeared to have grown a bit of a backbone in this chapter. Reviews are better than ice cream!

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><p>Bella POV<p>

My complexion looked sallow under the cruel florescent lights of the girl's bathroom. The washed out pick paint of the walls reflected in the mirror also served to make the darkened circles under my eyes looked more prominent and defined.

This would _not_ do.

Searching through my bag, I sought out the heavy duty concealer I always kept with me and swiped it gently under my eyes before blending it into my skin.

There, that was better…a little anyway. Nothing could make it _all_ go away.

I was not a vain person, by any means but neither did I want to incite curious stares and questions. Alice and Jasper already noted this morning how tired I looked right before she launched into questions about my impromptu dinner with Edward.

There was nothing much to tell as far as I was concerned. He needed homework help and I gave it to him. I wasn't about to let on to her or to Jasper for that matter that I was feeling things I really shouldn't be feeling about her brother…things that would lead nowhere but misery for the both of us. Or that I wanted to rip Lauren Mallory's perfectly coiffed hair from her scalp when she looked at Edward like she wanted to rip the clothes from his body and lick him like an ice cream cone.

It didn't matter that he was disgusted by her.

The door squeaked open behind me and I expected it to be Rose or Alice or both of them since I was supposed to meet up with them right outside the bathroom door before lunch.

My stomach dropped to my toes when I saw who it really was reflected in the mirror.

Lauren and Jessica.

Beautiful, I thought as I rolled my eyes. They looked like they were on a mission and the target was me.

Tag teamed by the two perfect princesses.

I pretended the fact that they separated and flanked me on either side didn't bother me. They made a show of checking their eyeliner and re-glossing their shiny lips.

"Hey." I said breaking the awkward silence, shifting my weight from one foot to the other, clearly uncomfortable. "I guess I'll see you guys later."

I gripped my bag to my shoulder and headed towards the exit.

"Wait." Lauren called out turning around, a Cheshire cat grin on her face. "We actually wanted to talk to you….give you some _well needed_ advice actually."

"Oh yeah?" I felt my spine stiffen, inherently knowing what this was going to be about. It couldn't be a coincidence that she saw me last night with Edward Cullen and here she was confronting me today.

I had felt a subtle shift this week, like battle lines were officially drawn. My friendship with the Cullens and the Hales had been noted, tried and judged.

And standing before me were the judges.

Let's have at it then. I raised an eyebrow waiting for them to continue.

It was only Jessica that looked uncomfortable. Unable to meet my direct gaze, she glanced at the black and white tiled floor fidgeting with the buttons on her pink cardigan sweater. Lauren, on the other hand had no such compulsion; her gaze was direct and meant to be demeaning.

She met my gaze head on, a victorious smirk to her lips. Sauntering over to me, she circled me like a shark with her prey before facing me once again.

"Despite your obvious _shortcomings_…" She gave me the up and down. "You could be quite popular here if it weren't for your recent choice in friends…or didn't you notice that everyone avoids the Hale's."

Everyone but the Cullens, I thought silently and in turn they were avoided too, for the most part.

I wanted to tell them I wasn't interested in being popular but I wanted answers more.

"Just why is that?" I asked curiously with a bitter edge to my voice.

Either she ignored my tone or was totally oblivious to it because she smiled a white toothy grin like she had just won the lottery.

"Rosalie Hale is a slut just like her alcoholic mother."

I sucked in a sharp breath feeling it sting all the way down my throat. Rosalie was beyond beautiful, yes but slut? No. I shook my head.

"I can see you don't believe me." Lauren smirked.

"No frankly, I don't. Now if you'll excuse me." I walked out into the near empty hallway wondering where Alice and Rose were.

"Ever wonder how Jasper got that scar on his face?" Lauren called out from behind me.

I turned and she was standing there, Jessica standing a few feet away, no longer looking so sure of herself.

"Three years he caught his sister with the mother's boyfriend and got the crap beaten out of him for it. Oh, they claimed the guy had tried to rape her but everyone knows the truth. She wanted it. Like mother like daughter, my mother always says." She looked around us, with a smile. I was vaguely aware of a few students stopping to witness the show we were providing them.

So you're mother's a judgmental bitch too then, huh, I thought viciously.

Three years ago Rosalie was just fourteen old. Picturing her under some faceless man, struggling to get loose from invading hands and punishing body and Jasper discovering it, trying to fight him off brought to the forefront what I had been trying desperately to forget of what I actually could remember of the night that happened to me. I felt the darkness invade the corners of my vision but I pushed it back.

Not here, not now…please Dear God.

"You're sick." I told her. "Both of you. How could you _even_ think that? You actually think she _wanted_ to be raped or is that the lie you all tell yourselves? She was only fourteen years old!" I shouted nearly sobbing. I don't know what came over me but I just couldn't make myself stop. Some inner fury unfurled and demanded attention

"An _innocent_ fourteen year old girl you made into a social pariah for something she had no control over and for what? Because of your petty _jealousies_? Well thank you for your advice, _Lauren_." I said in the most scathing voice I could muster given the fact that I was so close to falling apart. "But if it's all the same to you, I don't want it."

I watched as Lauren reared back as if I slapped her. Shock was evident all over her too made up face before she narrowed her eyes. "You just committed social suicide Swan." She looked again at the crowd around us.

More had gathered but there faces were a blur to me.

I laughed bitterly. It helped to hide the pain.

"I don't want to be in your social club, hanging on your every word like a mindless drone." I glanced over at Jessica, who looked a little shell shocked. "Because I am pretty sure that in a few years when you're out in the real world trying to get a job, no one is going to give a flying fuck if you were the most popular girl in a small town high school. It's not exactly something you can put on a resume and frankly I don't think you have any employable skills."

"You know, Swan." Jessica sneered getting in my face so I had to take a few steps back. "You may not care now but you will when everyone turns their backs on you, even the _untouchable_ ones" It was a comment about Edward that she knew I would understand. "There is only so long you can play the dead mother sympathy card before everyone figures out your mom was just a flake who got knocked up right after high school. Maybe that's why you and Rosalie get along so well…you're cut from the same cloth."

"Lauren…that was low even for you." Jessica said. It was the first time she opened her mouth the whole time but I was past caring.

I felt dizzying shock invading my brain, turning my veins to ice. Nausea rolled. I was barely aware of running footsteps or the shouts coming from down the hallway as I nearly dove for the bathroom door, hurdling myself through it.

Shaking, I ran into one of the stalls and wretched, my whole body convulsing with the force of it. Suddenly Alice was there, kneeling beside me holding my hair away from my face, offering solace in a soothing tone that didn't seem to penetrate through the haze of anguish smothering me.

Visions of Rosalie…of me…of Phil swam in my head, melding together.

I wretched until I was dry heaving and even then I couldn't seem to stop.

"I texted Emmett…told him we wouldn't make it to lunch." It was Rosalie. She sounded out of breath. "How is she?" I heard the worry in her tone.

"I could kill that skank." Alice seethed through clenched teeth.

"I'm sorry, so sorry." I sobbed pulling back from the toilet, swiping at my mouth with the back of my hand.

A wet paper towel was smoothed across my forehead.

"What the fuck are _you_ apologizing for?" Rosalie's tone was angry…really angry.

I felt the ripple of anxiety rip through me.

"Jesus Rose, not so harsh." Alice admonished. "She's shaking."

Rose squatted down on the other side of me, her face a wide mask of panic as she sought to reassure me. "Not you, Bella…not you. What she said…God, she is such a bitch."

The way she said it sounded just like Edward last night. I giggled through my tears.

"She is, isn't she?" I sniffed.

Rose fumbled with her pocketbook and pulled out a tissue from her bag and gently wiped my eyes with it.

"It's going to be okay, Bella. You're going to be okay."

I shook my head. It wasn't. They didn't know. They had no idea.

"It _is_." Alice's tone was determined as she grasped my cold hands in between her small ones.

"You've got balls, Bella Swan." Rosalie grinned through her tears.

Why was _she_ crying?

"Rose?" I questioned.

She turned her head and wiped at her own eyes as if she was ashamed of the emotion. "I heard what you said for me...well shouted, actually" She said when she finally turned back to me. "I think the whole school did." She laughed gleefully. "The way you stuck up for me...well it just blows my mind...so thank you."

"You're welcome." I said automatically.

Alice stood up and reached for my hand. "Do think you can stand now?"

I hoped so. I didn't want to sit on the bathroom floor all day.

I nodded and grabbed her hand.

"Good." She pulled me up. I was struck by the strength in her small frame. "Let's clean you up a bit and then we're getting out of here."

"But school." I argued. "You can't ditch. You'll get into trouble. You can't do that for me."

"That's what friends do." She replied.

"That's right." Rose chimed in agreement. "I call Mental Health Day."

After rinsing my mouth out with water and combing my fingers through my hair, I was ready.

"Okay, let's do this." Alice gave a firm nod.

When we walked out of the bathroom, much of the crowd had dissipated, much to my relief. Only a few remained, some of whom, I was already acquainted with from my classes. I really didn't need any more witnesses to my current state of sniveling wreckage.

Angela Weber, a shy and quiet brunette I recognized from my English class, approached me; concern marking her features.

"Are you okay, Bella?" She asked.

Was I? I still wasn't sure but I nodded anyway.

She breathed a sigh of relief and smiled.

"Lauren has deserved to be put in her place for a long time." She told me. "Thank you for saying what we never had the courage to say."

Angela glanced back towards the group of kids behind her. These were not the popular kids but a group that I knew that stuck together. I think I had heard Jessica refer to them as the nerd herd. I remember thinking just because it rhymed didn't make it any less derogatory…any less debasing as if somehow being studious and intelligent was something to be shameful of.

"Courage?" I questioned disbelievingly. "Oh Angela, it wasn't courage. I don't know what it was but it wasn't that."

She smiled then. "Regardless of what it was, you have our gratitude...and our friendship, if you want it."

Completely dumbstruck, I nodded again. "Thank you." I whispered and looked at Rosalie and Alice silently pleading with them to get me out of there.

* * *

><p>We ended up at Sully's, one of the only places in town to get decent ice cream, which seemed an odd choice when it was so cold out. Alice insisted that consuming copious amounts of mint chocolate chip was the cure for everything…at least when she couldn't go shopping. Forks was sadly lacking in the retail therapy department.<p>

The place was virtually empty save for us, an elderly couple sitting towards the back and some logger truck driver types eating at the counter. It was greasy as far as greasy spoons went but we weren't here for the burgers. I didn't think my stomach could handle the heaviness of red meat without another involuntary trip to the bathroom.

The waitress guided us to a booth, not too far from the elderly couple.

"Playing hooky, huh?" She smirked as she handed us our menus.

"Mental Health Day." Alice corrected.

"Oh is that what they're calling it these days?" She chuckled as she walked away with instruction to signal when we were ready.

"So," Alice began as she perused the menu. "Triple threat?"

"What's that?" I asked her.

"The biggest sundae they have. It's _de-lish_." She answered. "Rose and I have never been able to finish it all but there's three of us now."

"Um, sure, okay." I bit my lip thinking of how this was so wrong. I had no business skipping school. Charlie would have a conniption fit when he found out. I had to let him know before the school called him and I told him I didn't show up at any of my afternoon classes. "I'm just gonna call Char…my Dad and let him know where I am."

I was relieved when I got his voice mail and quickly explained where I was, not to worry and I would explain when I got home.

"We should text Jazz and Emmett too." Alice said when I put my phone down. "They're probably wondering where the hell we are and no doubt the gossip must be reaching epic proportions right now."

I covered my face with my hands. Shit, I didn't even think about that when I launched into my tirade.

"Hey," Rose said giving my arm a gentle shake. "No worries, okay. I'm sure the story will come out in your favor…even her sidekick, Jessica was appalled by what she said. Lauren crossed a line and she knows it. How did it all start anyway?"

"She claims she was giving me 'advice', that if I wanted to be popular I shouldn't hang out with you." I said bitterly. "Which makes no sense at all. If she doesn't like me so much, why would she want me in her clique?"

"Keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer." Rose shrugged, taking a guess.

My chuckle was derisive. "I'm not her enemy…or I wasn't at least."

"Edward's spending time with you…you're her enemy." Alice explained, her pixie like features twisting in disgust. "She has been trying to sink her cheaply manicured talons in him since our first day of school."

My mouth gaped open. She saw _me_ as competition? That was a joke. In what far off corner of the universe could I _ever_ be seen as competition for a boy's attention; especially one as gloriously gorgeous as Edward Cullen?

"So, what did you tell her?" Rose asked curiously after sipping her water.

"I wanted to know why hanging out with you was so taboo and she told me…her version anyway." I scowled.

"Ahh." Rose nodded in understanding.

"How did you…?" I attempted to ask her the question that had been burning in my mind bit couldnt finish the sentence.

"Cope?"

I nodded blushing.

She smirked. "It took a long time. I'm still working on it." She admitted. "I blamed myself for the attack…for Jasper's injuries for a long time…which is why I never bothered to fight back when everyone around school was spreading their vicious stories. I felt I deserved it." She sighed. "Therapy and family counseling helped and then of course The Cullens moved here."

I watched as Alice affectionately grabbed Rosalie's hand in a gesture of support. She blamed herself too. It clicked and resonated in me. I understood it.

There's a gig difference, Bella…Renee is dead. I shivered involuntarily.

"Something good came out of it though." She continued.

"_Really_?" My voice sounded strangled to my own ears.

"My mother woke the fuck up…_finally_." She rolled her eyes. "Her scumbag boyfriend's attack on me and Jasper was the catalyst for her sobriety. Fucker is in jail now. Your dad arrested him and our relationship with our mom isn't perfect but it has improved a lot."

Before I could continue, the waitress placed a mountain of ice cream covered in chocolate sauce and whip cream in front of us.

"Dig in girls." Alice smiled and help up her spoon.

We had barely started eating the grand confection in front of us when Alice's attention was diverted to somewhere behind my shoulder, then Rosalie's; both their expressions radiating a cross between amusement and horror.

I turned around and gaped.

Stalking towards us were Emmett and Jasper, followed closely by a very agitated looking Edward.


	18. Chapter 18

A/N: Yup it's official...I have awesome readers. Over 100 reviews...woo hoo!. Please keep them coming. Okay on with the show.

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><p>EPOV<p>

Hunched over, my legs jack knifing up and down in a sporadic rhythm under the table and my hands fisted in between my knees, I watched the cafeteria doors, waiting to see the only person that mattered to me in this moment..._Bella._

How this mere wisp of a girl with her haunted brown eyes and shy smile could have so effortlessly bound herself to me without even realizing it was beyond me. All I knew was that when Emmett told me shit went down with her and Lauren Mallory, I felt a seizing in my chest. Never in my life had I been tempted to a hit girl more than I wanted to hit that mealy mouthed little troll.

This was _my_ fault. If I hadn't provoked her last night, she would have never confronted Bella.

"Dude, chill out." Emmett regarded me over his cheeseburger. "You're beginning to make _me_ nervous."

"Shut the fuck up, Em." I gave him a disgusted look as he took a big-ass bite of his burger. "I don't even know how you can eat at a time like this."

"It's a coping mechanism." He said mid-chew and shrugged. "I don't have a punching bag...so I eat. At least I don't look like I'm going to go all Basketball Diaries on everyone's ass." He gave me a pointed look.

"_Fuck!_" I hissed, gripping my hair, pulling at the roots. Emmett gave me a wide grin and I wanted to kick him. "What the fuck are you so giddy about?"

"You." He said still giving me a shit eating grin. "She's gotten under that plutonium steel armor you cocoon yourself in...so quickly too. You've known her for like what...all of two minutes?"

I scowled at him before turning my attention back towards the doors. More students were beginning to filter in, all talking excitedly at once, but no Bella. Straining to hear what they were saying, I only caught fragmented phrases.

_"Did you hear what she said about her mother?"_

_"I always knew Lauren was a nasty bitch."_

_"Looks like the queen got demoted to court jester."_

"_Poor Bella. She looked so sick."_

"_Did you see the red mark from Rosalie Hale's slap."_

_"It'll be a long time before Mallory will be able to hold her head up."_

I growled in frustration. This wasn't helping.

This was making me insane.

"I looked for them everywhere. I couldn't find them." Out of breath, Jasper slid into the seat next to me, his face concerned because he knew his sister and his girlfriend were both involved.

"Did you find out _anything_ at least?" I asked him. I was trying not to sound frustrated but I heard it seep from my voice anyway.

"Yeah." He nodded looking at me gravely. "If I wasn't so madly in love with Alice, you'd have some serious competition for Bella."

_The fuck? _

She's mine, my possessive inner cave man wanted to shout at him.

A thoroughly flabbergasted Emmett dropped his burger and gaped. "Come again?"

I, on the other hand, couldn't even form words. Jasper didn't really like anyone he didn't know...well, he just didn't really like any one period...save for a very select few. I knew Bella had his initial approval but he didn't trust her yet. It was huge for him to say this, even if it did mess with my inner cave man.

He nodded and shoved back the wave of honey-blonde hair that fell in front of his eyes. "From what I was able to find out, Lauren said some things about what happened three years ago with my mother's ex-boyfriend, ya know?"

I nodded. I knew exactly what he was talking about. So did Emmett. God only knew what twisted version of the truth Lauren gave to Bella.

"Well, Bella ripped into her like a pit bull after a bloody piece of meat. Big fucking time."

_Bella?_ Quiet, thoughtful, selfless _Bella?_

"No, no way." I argued shaking my head. "I just can't see it. Someone was lying to you."

"It's true."

I whipped around to see Angela Weber standing there, looking uncertain and wary like we were going to bite her or something.

"I'm sorry...I don't mean to interrupt but I know you are all friends with Bella and I saw what happened."

"Do you want to sit down?" I asked her kindly, motioning at an empty chair. Angela was a nice, sweet girl; the kind who never had a bad word to say about anybody...or at least none that I ever heard. She also struck me as the type who was also easily intimidated, so I vowed I would do my best to keep a calm head.

No guarantees though.

She nodded, never making eye contact, pulled out the chair across from me and tentatively sat down, folding her hands in front of her.

With a nearly perfect recall of the account that I found impressive, Angela detailed what she had inadvertently came upon when she turned down the hallway.

"…She was vehemently defending Rosalie…" Angela's brown eyes flicked self-consciously towards Emmett and Jasper who were listening as intently as I was. "I don't think I had ever seen anyone speak to Lauren that way before. Bella just lost it on her…like she was fighting more than just Lauren."

Angela stifled a laugh then, covering her hand over her mouth.

"What?" I prompted impatiently. Nothing she had said so far was even remotely funny.

"Bella told Lauren, and I quote 'I am pretty sure that in a few years when you're out in the real world trying to get a job, no one is going to give a flying…" I watched as Angela blushed before steeling her shoulders. "…a flying…fuck if you were the most popular girl in a small town high school.'"

"No shit?" Emmett gaped. "Little Bird said _that?_"

Angela nodded, focusing her gaze on the table, running her fingers along the ingrained plastic designs. I felt my gut clench. While I was proud that Bella, uncharacteristically (of what I knew of her so far) stood up to Lauren, I knew Angela wasn't finished and the worst part was yet to come.

"Lauren was shocked at first…you should have seen the look on her face." She went on. "That's when she fought _really_ dirty. She told Bella she could only pay the dead mother sympathy card for so long and since her mother got pregnant right after high school, maybe she and Rosalie were cut from the same cloth."

I didn't realize I slammed my fist on the table until I felt the pain radiating up my arm.

"Sorry." I mumbled when Angela recoiled backwards obviously startled by my sudden outburst.

"Please continue, Angela." Jasper stated calmly after censuring me with his steely gaze.

She shifted in her chair, leaning forward, her face losing all color. "That's when all hell broke loose. There was shouting as Alice and Rosalie pushed their way through the crowd. And poor Bella…I didn't know if she was going to faint or cry…she ran into the bathroom so _fast_…I think…" she frowned, a small 'v' appearing above the bridge of her nose. "…I think she got sick. Before anyone knew what was going to happen, Rosalie hauled off and smacked Lauren on the face and followed Alice into the bathroom. I've never seen Rosalie that pissed…not even when…" Her voice trailed off leaving whatever she was going to say unsaid but we all knew what she meant.

"Yup…my Rosie has a temper." Emmett boasted but even I could see the hard edge in his eyes and the fact that his cheeseburger was now a distorted mass of pulp on his plate spoke volumes about his temper right now.

"Where are they now?"

Was that my voice? It sounded strangled as I forced the sound to pass from my lips. After Bella's anxiety attack in the movie theatre, I felt an unnerving need to protect her…like she was mine to shield and defend.

I had failed.

"I don't know. They left the school. Rosalie said something about a mental health day…whatever that means."

"I know what it means." I said after giving it some thought. "Alice always calls mental health day when she is particularly upset over something. It usually means shopping but…"

"Not shopping." Jasper interrupted shaking his head. "Ice cream. I bet they went to Sully's"

* * *

><p>My eyes skimmed over every inch of her, scrutinizing every detail, checking it against the memories I had of her from last night as I slid in beside her. Her eyes looked sunken; purplish bruising underneath that bled through her ivory skin. I had to wonder if it was only due to the confrontation with Lauren or were there some deeper demons at work.<p>

"I heard you had a rough morning." I said low in her ear.

"Something like that." She offered me a tight lipped smile and a blush.

I felt an overwhelming desire to touch her, to feel her skin on mine.

So I did.

My hand slowly reached over and covered hers where it rested on the seat in between us.

The shock of a warm electrical current, such as I had never felt before, vibrated through me, gently humming up my arm, settling through me.

Holy fuck! What was that?

She tensed and stilled, looking at me warily, her front teeth worrying her plump bottom lip.

Did she feel it too?

I held my breath, willing her to keep her hand there…willing my traitorous body not to respond to the hot licking flames that burned me as I watched her mouth.

She relaxed under my touch, her hand staying beneath mine.

I exhaled, a small victory dance ensuing in my head.

It was enough…for now.

"Angela Weber gave us the scoop." Jasper said, swiping a whip cream covered cherry and pooping it in his mouth. "Why didn't anyone call me?"

"Get your own Triple Threat." Alice teased, slapping playfully at his hand. "And we needed some girl chill time first."

Jasper grimaced before turning towards Bella, his expression softening. "Are you okay, Bella?"

"Yeah…I'm um…fine...good." She nodded her head up and down, staring blankly at the melting sundae.

Yeah and I was Mother Freakin' Theresa. My eyes narrowed at her.

"You are a horrible liar." I told her and immediately wanted to paste duct tape over my mouth for the scowl she gave me.

She snatched her hand out from under mine and I immediately mourned its loss.

"You are an _ass_." Rosalie glared at me and I could've sworn by the way she held her fork gripped in her hand, she wanted to pluck it into the back of my hand.

"I'm sorry." I said squeezing the bridge of my nose. "I didn't mean it to come out like that…I just mean you still look upset and…well you don't have to put up a brave front for us, Bella."

Her eyes darted towards me, gaging the sincerity of my words, a telltale blush spreading over her face before she stared back down at her fingers.

"He's right, Bella." Jasper told her sincerely. "We're all friends here."

"I'll be okay…I promise." She gave him a small smile of reassurance.

"So what are we going to do about this bitch." Emmett asked as he was trying to flag the waitress down. No doubt he wanted a Triple Threat of his own. His cheeseburger hadn't fared to well at lunch.

"Do? What do you mean?" Bella asked nervously.

"Payback." He said casually with a shrug. "Where is that waitress?"

"No...no payback." Bella argued. "It's over...done. I just want to forget about it."

"And let her get away with it?" I was appalled. "No way...not gonna happen, Bella."

"It's not your place to decide that, _Edward._"

Ouch. She was scolding me.

"I'm sorry..." She continued, her face softening in apology. "I know you're just trying to look out for me but..."

"Bella's right." Alice agreed with her.

"Oh, not you too." I threw up my hands in frustration.

"You weren't _there_, Edward." She explained. "You didn't see the disgust on everyone's faces when they looked at her. Trust me, she's going to hang by her own rope. Plus, Rosalie already gave her a good whallop."

"What?" Bella swung her gaze to Rosalie. "You didn't tell me that."

"Bitch had it coming." Rose gave a gallic shrug. And besides it felt really fucking good." She smiled evilly.

Note to self: Never piss off Rosalie.

* * *

><p>Emmett's bitching in the car is enough to make me want to pull over the car and smack him upside the head.<p>

All because he didn't get his stupid sundae.

We had decided to ride out the rest of the school day back at the house, then go back to retrieve the rest of our cars.

"What are you, five?" Jasper complained.

Emmett's whining was getting to him too.

"Well, you guys couldn't wait for me to get my sundae…so the way I see it, you're getting what you deserve."

"You're not going to let this go, are you?" I sighed, spying the sign for the local convenience store on my right.

"Nope." He said popping the 'p' and crossing his arms over his chest.

I pulled the car over and parked it next to a dilapidated VW Beetle that looked like it had seen better days.

"Why are we stopping?" Jasper said as he got out of the car.

"So, Goliath here can feed his tape worm." I muttered pointing at Emmett.

"It's not the same thing." Emmett grumbled. "Ice cream doesn't taste as good out of the carton."

"And where do you think the shit from the diner comes from? A sugar fed cow they keep in the freezer?"

Jasper doubled over, snorting in laughter as he opened the door, nearly tumbling inside.

"Dude, watch where you're going." Groused one of the biggest kids I'd ever seen. The bulk on him rivaled Emmett and that was saying something.

He was younger than us but I didn't think he went to our school. His long hair and coloring marked him as one of the reservation kids.

Didn't they have school?

"Sorry, man." Jasper managed to grin out an apology.

The kid mumbled something under his breath that sounded like "damn stoners."

Stoners?

That was a joke.

I watched suspiciously as he sauntered towards the parking lot, getting into the VW next to mine.

He better not touch my car, I thought.

There was something about him I immediately disliked.

* * *

><p>After spending nearly twenty minutes in the store while Emmett debated that flavor ice cream to get, we headed back to my house. The girls were probably already there, holed up in Alice's room.<p>

As I drove up the private driveway towards the house, my face paled as I saw the very distinct black Audi SUV parked outside.

Shit!

Mom was home early.

"Uh, Ed, Isn't that Mom's car?" Emmett said nervously, the spoonful of rocky road stilled on the way to his mouth.

I nodded mutely and parked.

We slinked into the house quietly. Jasper and Emmett took off up the stairs.

Cowards.

I heard voices coming from the kitchen so I didn't follow them. One of the voice's was Bella's. I followed the sound like a sailor to a siren's call.

As I got closer to the kitchen, I realized Bella was not only talking, she was crying. I could hear it in the pitch of her small voice. I could hear the tears in her throat.

Panicked, I ran the rest of the way there, stilling in the doorway as I saw Mom and Bella sitting at the kitchen table drinking tea.

"Mom? What's going on? Bella, why are you crying?" The words flew out of my mouth, heavily laden with accusation.

They were so involved in what they were whispering about, they hadn't even noticed my presence as I leaned against the doorway, gripping the wood molding. Startled they turned around; Bella quickly swiping away the tears on her face.

"Edward, dear…Bella and I were just talking."

She was using her reassuring mom voice. The same one she used when I would wake up years ago from nightmares. I could only imagine what type of expression I wore standing there for her to use that tone.

"Why is she crying then?" I asked suspiciously with a nod towards Bella's direction.

"Edward, it's fine really." Bella gave me a small smile.

_Fine._ I was beginning to hate that word.

Was Mom blaming her for all of us cutting out of school? Surely Alice would have explained. Then again, Mom wasn't like that. She would understand. Wouldn't she?

"It's not her fault, Mom. We kind of kidnapped her."

"I know that, dear. Alice told me what happened. Now why don't you go upstairs with everyone else. Bella will be along soon."

I was being dismissed when all I wanted to do was take Bella with me, put a smile back on her face.

With one last wary look, I turned and started for the stairs.


	19. Chapter 19

Bella POV

His hand on mine.

Fire over ice.

A current of awareness and awakened desire, want and need.

The memory of intense molten green orbs permanently tattooed on my retinas.

These were the thoughts that consumed me as I sat in the back seat of Alice's car. The incident with Lauren and Jessica diluted into near obscurity in the wake of Edward Cullen's odd effect on me.

I barely noticed where we were going or what Rose and Alice were talking about. My mind racing faster than the sports vehicle we were in.

What did this mean?

Was he as aware of me as I was of him?

Impossible.

What was I next to Edward Cullen but a mere shell masquerading as a human being? A poisonous parasite that sucked the life from everyone around me; including my new found friends.

It was starting already.

Maybe I should end this before it went any deeper.

"Hey you back there." Rosalie turned around from the front seat. "I see what you're doing. No self pity parties." She admonished.

"My car is a self pity free zone." Alice chirped in agreement from behind the wheel.

The car slowed down dramatically as we drove down a private drive, the gravel crunching under the wheels. My mouth gaped open at what was in front of me.

The house...the _very large_ house, looked like an elaborate planked wood cabin, three stories high that seemed to grow seamlessly from the ground. The second story looked to be all glass of floor to ceiling windows.

Holy shit. The Cullens were rich. Extremely rich. I didn't realize I could feel more insignificant, until now.

"Uh, oh. My Mom's home." Alice said as she parked the car in front of the house next to the expensive SUV. Undoing her seatbelt, she sat sideways in her seat facing both Rose and I.

"Let me go in first and smooth this over."

I panicked, the blood draining from my face. "I knew it. You're going to get in trouble because of me."

"Bella." Alice regarded me sternly. "If, and that's a very big if, I get into trouble, it will be because of me not because of you...got it?"

"But..."

"No buts. My Mom is very understanding when it comes to this sort of thing. Trust me."

"It's true." Rosalie said assuringly. "Mrs. Cullen is cool. No worries."

Five minutes after Alice went in, she came to the door and enthusiastically waved us inside.

"It's okay, Bella." Alice told me again when I walked hesitantly into the house. "Now, come, I want to introduce you to my Mom."

She led me up a few carpeted steps into what appeared like a humongous living room. My first thought was I could fit the whole first floor of Charlie's house just in this one room.

It wasn't elaborately showy or gaudy but sophisticated and elegantly understated in it's contemporary decor. Pale tones of the walls and rugs made the splashes of vibrant color on the furniture and in the art on the walls that much more vivid.

I sucked in my breath when I focused on the woman who stood up from the sofa to greet me.

_Dr. Platt._

How was this possible?

My first instinct was to run...far, far away. I felt like I couldn't take in enough air to fill my oxygen deprived lungs.

"Mom, this is Bella. Bella, this is my Mom. Esme Cullen." Alice said proudly as she pulled me towards my psychologist.

Dr. Platt leveled her eyes on me, trying to convey a hidden message my foggy brain couldn't understand. "Pleased to meet you Bella. You can call me Esme."

"Nice to meet you...uh..D...uh...Esme." I stammered, hoping Rose and Alice didn't catch my slip.

"Hi Rose." She smiled at Rosalie who was standing behind me.

"Hey Esme."

"So Alice tells me you had an interesting day at school."

Rosalie snorted. "That's one way of putting it." She said wryly.

"Well, while I certainly do not condone leaving school in the middle of the day, I can see why it was warranted in this case." Dr. Platt...Esme said.

"I'm sorry." I blurted out still confused. "It was my fault."

"Bella..." Alice said in a warning tone. "We talked about this."

"I know my daughter." Esme said with a twinkle in her eyes as she looked at Alice. "She can be quite persuasive. I know it's not your fault."

"But..." I tried to explain but Dr. Platt wasn't having it.

"Alice, why don't you and Rose go up to your room? I'd like to have a little chat with Bella. C'mon Bella." She winked at me and held out her hand.

I had no choice but to take it.

"It's okay Bella." Alice patted my shoulder before she and Rose ascended another staircase.

Dr. Cullen led me to a gourmet kitchen and motioned for me to sit down at the table. I swallowed past the huge lump that formed in my throat as I watched her take out a tea kettle and fill it with water before placing it on the stove.

Her movements were graceful as she took out two mugs and teabags, placing one in front of me and one in front of her before she sat down.

She clasped her hands in front of her and regarded me intently. I was too scared to speak.

"I was planning on discussing this with you at our next session but it looks as though fate had other plans." Her words were punctuated with a deep sigh.

I knew where this was heading. I was unable to control the acid burn of tears as I tried to keep them from welling into my eyes. The lump in my throat grew.

"Considering your relationship with my children..."

I didn't...couldn't hear anymore. Not without breaking down completely. I knew it...but hearing it would tear me apart.

"It's okay, I understand. You don't want..." I swallowed painfully. My throat felt like it had tiny razor blades piercing it. "You don't want me to be friends with them. It's okay. I understand."

Dr. Platt looked incredulous. "Is _that_ what you think?"

I looked down, averting her wide eyed stare.

"Tell me, Bella. Is that what you think?"

Oh, she sounded angry now.

"Isn't it true?"

She laughed but it was a sad laugh. "Oh, Bella, no. Nothing could be further from the truth."

"No?" I whispered, my lower lip trembling in my resistance not to cry.

"Of course, not. I think you are a wonderful person and my children will be lucky to call you their friend."

"But...you said..."

She sighed. "I only meant to say that considering your relationship with my children I would understand if you discontinued to see me as your therapist. I have already looked into possible replacements." She reached across the table and grasped my hand in a very motherly way. "I would love nothing more than to continue treating you and please know that even if I wasn't bound by law to keep our doctor-patient relationship confidential, I would regardless. You won't have to worry about anyone finding out from me. That is your decision and completely up to you.

I didn't want to see anyone else. I knew that immediately. I liked Dr. Platt. But could I do it? Would I have to give anything up?

It was selfish of me but I wanted to remain friends with Alice, Emmett...and Edward. Most of all Edward. Even Rosalie, who I had much more in common with than I could have ever anticipated and Jasper as well.

The whistling of the tea kettle startled me and Dr. Platt quickly rushed to turn off the burner. After preparing the tea for both of us, she sat back down.

"It's chamomile." She said when she saw me sniffing at the steam rising from my cup. "It's very calming."

Calming...yes, that's exactly what I needed.

"I want to keep seeing you." I told her tentatively. "I'm afraid I'll slip though and call you Dr. Platt in front of everyone."

She smiled kindly. "Oh, that's an easy fix. Just call me Esme all the time."

"Oh." I nodded.

That sounded simple enough.

Dr...Esme blew out a breath. "I know we don't have a session until Thursday but can I ask you a question?"

My shoulders tensed. "Um...sure."

"Why did you think I didn't want you being friends with my children?"

This time I wasn't successful in keeping the tears at bay. Unbidden, they silently slipped down my cheeks.

I searched for the right words to express myself.

And found none.

I couldn't do this here, not now.

"It's okay." Dr. Platt…_Esme,_ reached her hand across the expanse of the table to clasp her hand over mine. "Just think about it for our next session."

I nodded.

"Okay." I whispered. "I can do that."

"Mom? What's going on? Bella, why are you crying?"

Edward!

Shocked, I turned around quickly swiping away the tears from my cheeks. I don't want him to see me like this. How long was he standing there? How much did he hear?

He looked at me intently, the same scrutinizing look as he did earlier, before casting an accusing look his mother's way.

I nervously darted my gaze her way to see what her reaction was to her son's less than warm reception.

To my surprise, she looked more amused than anything else under his reproving stare.

"Edward, dear…Bella and I were just talking." She stated slowly in bemused tone that confused me.

"Why is she crying then?" He asked her suspiciously, never taking his eyes from me.

Oh no, he was blaming his mother for my impromptu waterworks.

"Edward, it's fine. Really." I tried to smile but I knew it didn't reach my eyes.

"It's not her fault, Mom. We kind of kidnapped her."

Thank God, he thought we were talking about what happened at school.

"I know that, dear. Alice told me what happened. Now why don't you go upstairs with everyone else. Bella will be along soon."

Edward gave me one last burning look before turning around and ambling away. I let go of a breath I didn't realize I was holding.

Esme turned back to me with a pleased smirk on her face.

"Well, that was certainly interesting."

I wasn't sure if she was speaking to me or to herself.

"I'm sorry...I..."

"Oh don't apologize." She waved her hand in the air dismissively and shook her head with an odd faraway expression on her face. "Now, why don't you join the others upstairs. I'm afraid if I keep you any longer, I'm going to have a revolt on my hands."

Still contemplating Dr…Esme's odd commentary, I walked absently towards the stairway landing, nearly tripping over a row of shoes lined up at the bottom of the stairs. Looking up the stairs, I realized why immediately.

Plush, cream colored carpet blanketed each ascending plank. Silently praying, my socks had no holes in them, I bent over and took off my sneakers and laid them down next to the other sets of shoes.

I luxuriated briefly in the feel of the soft cushioning beneath my feet before gripping the pale wooden bannister and forged ahead. A collage of photos graced the walls going up; pictures of the Cullens in various stages of their lives. I found myself wanting to take a closer look, to inspect each one but I didn't want to be caught snooping.

Once I got to the top, I noticed it was only a small landing and there was another flight still yet to climb. I looked up and there sitting the top of the stairs, with his elbows resting on his knees, watching me with his brows furrowed, was Edward.

"Hey." I said with what I hoped was a smile as I climbed towards him.

"You okay?" He asks as he scrambles to his feet, embarrassment causing his ears to turn that pink shade I already know so well.

"Mmmm." I nod feeling my own embarrassment staining my cheeks.

Is it wrong to think I find his lurking endearing in a should be creepy but it's not kind of way?

If possible his brows furrow even further creating a deeper "v" in his forehead.

He's curious. He wants to ask what his mother and I were talking about but I don't know if he will.

"So is the party this way?" I ask lightly to avoid the original question, I don't want to answer.

I can see this momentarily throws him off by the way he blinks a few times and his lips raise in a one sided smirk. His hands swept the air motioning me to go forward and I can already hear peals of laughter coming from down the hall.

With his hands shoved in his pockets, he walks beside me silently until we reach the end of the long hallway where the laughter is coming from.

"Alice's room." He says gruffly nodding towards the door.

"Are you coming in too?"

He shakes his head but the smirk still remains. "I have an English paper to work on, remember?"

"Oh," I am disappointed and relieved all at once. It's a disconcerting feeling. I can feel my teeth biting down on my bottom lip as I try to think of something clever to say.

"I really wish you wouldn't do that." His voice is gruffer now, his eyes darker.

"Do what?"

He rubs the tip of his pinky along his bottom lip. "Bite your lip." He states. "It's very…"

The bedroom door opens suddenly and Alice is standing in the doorframe with her hands on her hips before she begins to usher me inside. "There you are." She says and looks at Edward questioningly before he salutes a goodbye and saunters down the hall. "I was just going to come get you."

I can't help but take a last look at Edward's retreating form before entering Alice's room, feeling an odd sense of loss as I watched him go.

It's very what? I wonder to myself as I trace my bottom lip with my pinky finger.

* * *

><p>Surprisingly enough I didn't get the "I'm disappointed look in you" look when I explained to Charlie what happened when he came home. That's not to say I didn't get a short speech on responsible behavior but I think it was just because he felt obligated to do so.<p>

"Did you take a swing at her?" Charlie asked as I was rummaging through the refrigerator for something to cook for dinner. The question took me by such surprise, I nearly banged my head on one of the shelves.

"Of course not!" I jerked to a standing position and gave him a horrified look.

"Just checking" His mustache twitched in amusement. "Though I probably wouldn't have blamed you if you had."

"Whatever happened to violence never solves anything, Oh Mighty Chief Swan?"

"I've a good mind to call that girl's parents." He grumbled.

"Don't. It's been taken care of." I told him, pacing my hand on his arm. "Rosalie was the one that took the swing."

He barked a laugh at that and shook his head in amusement. "Yeah...I can see that."

"So dinner?" I asked him to change the subject. I didn't want to discuss Lauren Mallory anymore. "What do you want?"

Charlie's expression turned sheepish and he began to rub the back of his neck with his hand.

Uh oh, this was never a good sign.

"Actually, I may have forgot to mention Billy Black is coming over with his son Jacob and some of the Black's famous fish stir fry."

"Oh." I shrugged. "I guess two more plates for dinner then. Should I make a salad?"

I pulled out lettuce and cherry tomatoes from the crisper drawer in the refrigerator and placed them in a colander to wash them.

"You're okay with this? I mean I know how you don't like surprises and..."

"Dad, stop. It's no big deal." I held my hand up, palm out.

Leaning against the sink, I closed my eyes. Is this what we had come to? I thought. Charlie walking on eggshells around me afraid to invite even his best friend over?

Charlie sighed heavily behind me. "Billy knows, Bella." His voice was solemn and apologetic.

I gripped the counter harder, my fingers trembling under the strain. Could I sit there at the table and eat while Billy Black watched me with his black eyes filled with pity?

"And Jacob?" I whispered.

"No, he doesn't know."

I whirled around on him, throwing a tomato at the back door with a small thud before falling to the floor and rolling. "Why, Dad? _Why?_"

Sighing, I bent to pick up the unfortunate piece of produce.

"He's my best friend, Bells." He raked his hand through his hair. "I was devastated…with what happened with you and your mom...I needed someone to talk to." He was pleading with me to understand.

The fight went out of me immediately. God, I was being so selfish. Of course, he needed someone to talk to and Billy was the obvious choice. I didn't realize I was crying until I felt the warm tears on my face.

"I'm sorry." I choked out. "I didn't mean..."

"It's okay, Bells." He wrapped me in a hug; a rare display of emotion from him. "I get it, I do." He said resting his head on top of mine and smoothed my hair. "We're going to get through this, together, Okay?"

I nodded, sniffling into his shirt. It smelled like after shave and gun cleaner and I felt comforted by it.

"Good girl. Now go and amaze me with your salad making skills."

Dinner was uncomfortable with alternating bursts of awkward conversation and strained silences punctuated by the unpleasant sounds of chewing and swallowing. Jacob remained clueless while Charlie and Billy exchanged knowing looks trying to avoid land mines.

Billy interrogates me how I like Forks while Jacob tries to coerce me into a trip to the reservation to 'hang out'.

I really just want to escape upstairs to my room and finish my homework.

To top it off my cell kept ringing in my bag but since Charlie had a no telephone call policy when we were eating dinner, I wasn't allowed to answer it.

"Someone's either really persistent or you're the most popular girl in Forks." Jacob said winking at me as he shoves another fork of crumbling fried fish in his mouth and chews loudly. "Can't say I blame 'em though."

Was he _flirting_ with me?

I mentally shrug it off as an impossibility and give a half-hearted smile, picking at my own dinner, taking small bites but mostly I'm pushing the food around on my plate.

The fish stays a lump in my stomach well after company's gone and the dishes are cleaned and put away. After saying goodnight to Charlie, who was attending his nightly ritual of a beer in front of some sports game, I finally get some time to myself to return calls from both Alice and Rosalie, who have called repeatedly to make sure I didn't get into too much trouble when I got home.

* * *

><p>While I wanted to forget about the whole Lauren Mallory incident, everyone at school was intent on bringing it up. For days it was all anyone wanted to talk about as if I had done something so far beyond the realm of believability.<p>

As far as they were concerned, I had.

No one ever dared talked to Lauren that way.

Even Jessica Mallory apologized to me for her part in everything but I think that had more to do with her wanting to side with me to get back into Mike Newton's good graces.

With the exception of most of Lauren's usual crew, everyone was treating Lauren and Jessica like they had the plague.

I wondered how long it would last.

"You were the one that slapped her." I complained to Rosalie one afternoon after school while we waited for the others to join us. "Why aren't they treating _you_ like the hero?"

Rosalie gave a toss of her perfect hair and a husky chuckle. "I've been the social outcast for so long, it would give them an aneurism to suddenly shift gears that way."

"I don't understand why it's such a big deal." I grumbled. "Why has no one ever called her on her shit before?"

"It's _always_ been that way." She shrugged. "She's a bully and so are her friends and her daddy's rich so she always had the nicest clothes, the best hair, et cetera ad nauseum."

I laughed when Rose made a gagging sound.

"Oh and here's the funniest thing." She continued. "Lauren had this fantasy when Edward moved here that she and he would be the new Forks power couple a la Bradgelina and rule the school with their awesomeness. He's hot…don't tell him I said that by the way… and his family is loaded. That's all she needed to know. She never counted on Edward being so completely disgusted by her. Even his _parents_ can't stand _her_ parents."

I snorted. "Yeah, I could see how that put a wrinkle in her power panties."

The thought of Lauren and Edward together made me feel kind of ill, like the time when I was a kid and ate too much candy on Halloween.

Don't go there Bella, I thought to myself painfully. Edward Cullen is not for the likes of you. He never will be.

_"Why did you think I didn't want you being friends with my children?"_

Dr. Platt's voice rung in my memory as well as the answer I was able to stumble out at our session.

_"So, Bella, have you thought about the question I asked you the other day?" Her hands were folded neatly in her lap. She was every inch the psychologist now._

_I mimicked her pose trying fervently not to bite down on my nails and swallowed convulsively. To be honest, I didn't know how to answer her question. I knew why, I just didn't know how to explain it in a way she would understand._

_Did I want to open up one of my biggest fears…lay myself bare?_

_"Bella?" She prompted._

_I shifted in my chair and took a sip of water to wet my bone dry throat._

_"You have a beautiful family." I told her and I meant it. I did not mean beautiful in appearance although there was no denying that._

_She smiled softly in agreement, her love for her children clearly evident in her face. "Yes, I do."_

_"I don't want to hurt them."_

_Her brow furrowed and she cocked her head to one side looking at me. "I'm confused. Why do you think you will hurt them?"_

_"Nothing. Forget it." I am aware I'm back-tracking now but I can't help it._

_I can't do this._

_"I won't forget it." Esme said sternly and I flinch at being scolded. "I'm sorry." She softened her tone. "But I really want to understand."_

_"It's what I do. I hurt people."_

_"_Who_ have you hurt Bella?"_

_"Ren...my Mom, Charlie" I answer listlessly, the agony barreling through me. I wrap my arms around my middle. I can't...I begin to rock back and forth in the chair, shaking my head. I look up at Esme. Her face is no longer impassive like a doctor, it's twisted in pain._

_"You." I whisper._

_"Me?" She looks genuinely shocked. "Why do you think you have hurt me?"_

_"The look on your face. It's so sad. I did that."_

_Esme's mouth gaped slightly before composing herself. "I am sad for you, yes, because I care about you. Because you have been through so much in your young life and I hate what it has done to you...what it has made you feel about yourself. That's called compassion, Bella."_

_What she says makes sense but I don't want to hear it...don't want to listen._

_"Can we talk about something else?" I asked her._

_She looked reluctant but she acquiesced readily enough. "Okay, we'll get back to that another time. I want you to tell me about your relationship with your mom."_


	20. Chapter 20

A/N - Esme wanted to be heard so I gave her a POV. This chapter has a split POV...Bella's after Esme. Please read and reivew..:)

* * *

><p>Esme POV<p>

Maintaining a professional and impartial demeanor became increasingly difficult the more Bella spoke. My heart was breaking for her and I felt the sudden desire to go home and embrace my own children.

I was also incredibly angry at Renee Swan, dead as she may be.

This poor young girl with the haunted eyes, forced to grow up too soon because her mother was more child than parent.

I didn't know if Bella saw it that way…I sensed no resentment on her part...or any she allowed herself to feel. She described it so non-chalantly.

It was just how things were.

It just wasn't how things were _supposed_ to be.

Yet, even through my anger, I understood.

Renee Swan married right out of high school and got pregnant right way. She never had the chance to explore the world around her or even grow up really before she was faced with more responsibility than she was ready to handle at such a young age.

I can only imagine what sent Renee fleeing to her own mother's in California with Bella in tow at just five years old. That wasn't my concern. It was only a small notch in Renee's favor that she took Bella with her instead of abandoning her and leaving her with Charlie.

Left by her Grandmother to raise while her mother went to college part time to get her degree, Bella blossomed and grew.

Until the grandmother died and Renee became tetherless, dragging Bella with her to wherever she saw fit to land. Bella had went from ten to thirty almost overnight.

That was no life for a child.

Bella in turn took care of her mother, never resisted any move and was disassociated from her peers. I was sure part of that was because she was so much more mature than other people her age and of course she never knew when Renee would pick up and move.

"Your Dad never said anything about the frequent relocations?"

This _was_ a surprise. The Charlie Swan I knew was very a conscientious and caring man. He had sent young victims of crime my way for help, not that Forks had many. I couldn't imagine he would be okay with this.

Bella shrugged, her eyes looking everywhere but at me. I felt a sinking sensation in my stomach.

"He asked me how I felt about it. I told him it was fine."

"But it wasn't, was it Bella?" I probed.

She was _protecting_ her mother.

This time she did look at me, her eyes pleading with me for understanding.

"Ren…Mom needed me. She depended on me and Charlie…well, he had his own life." Her lips dipped in a frown.

I blinked several times, hearing what was left unspoken.

And it broke my heart even more.

We had yet to bring up Phil Dwyer.

That was a conversation for another time.

One that was necessary.

One that I dreaded.

* * *

><p>I felt the calming hands of my husband clasp my shoulders, his palms and thumbs working magic with the tense muscles underneath. My files from the patients of the day are spread out before me. I had just taken a small break from recording my notes into my micro-recorder.<p>

"Mmm" I purred rotating my neck. "That feels nice."

"Rough day?" He asks sitting down next to me on the small love seat in our bedroom suite.

"Understatement." I replied.

Carlisle didn't delve. He knew I took my doctor-patient confidentiality very seriously. Though I could technically discuss Bella without breaking any laws if I kept her identity a secret, I was reluctant to break the trust I was just starting to build.

I leaned my head on his strong shoulder, his arm slipped around me and caressed my arm soothingly. There was something plaguing my mind since my session with Bella and I had to ask Carlisle about it.

"Do you think it was selfish of me to want to move…to uproot the kids the way we did?"

Carlisle sighed and pulled me closer. "Honey, we discussed this as a family. Don't you remember? We _all_ agreed. Chicago was tearing us apart…the stress of working at a big city hospital was putting a strain on our family. I _love_ small town life. I'm not as busy, I get to see the kids more, you get to see the kids more…I get to spend more time with my beautiful wife. " He kissed me, his lips lingering on mine before pulling away slightly to look into my eyes. "It's a win-win."

"But" I frowned. "Are the children happy? I wonder if they are putting on an act to please me."

Protecting their mother...just like Bella.

"It may have taken them awhile to adjust but that's normal. In fact, recently, I don't think I've ever seen them as carefree…even Edward."

"That…" I smiled, "may have something to do with a certain new girl at school."

"Really?" I watched as Carlisle's eyes light up with surprise.

I nodded not telling him that the certain new girl was the object of my thoughts as well.

"Do tell, Mrs. Cullen." He smiled. "Have you met her?"

I nodded. "She…" I thought how to describe her. "She is smart and beautiful but not in the typical way. I think she weaved a spell of enchantment over the whole family." I mused.

When I said the words, I knew they were true. Thinking on how much happier all my children seemed. Even Rosalie and Jasper Hale, who both had major trust issues adopted her into the fold.

"What's her name?"

"Bella…Bella Swan."

Carlisle's eyes shot to mine, startled and saddened just as suddenly. He pulled me even closer to him.

It dawned on me that he knew who she was and maybe perhaps what she had been through.

"Charlie Swan's daughter." He said solemnly. His adam's apple bobbed convulsively and I knew that he was not unaffected either.

"Do you know her?"

He shook his head regretfully and scrubbed his eyes tiredly with the palm of his free hand making the lines across his forehead more prominent. "Not personally. Charlie had her medical files sent to me for a second opinion. My God. That poor girl. She's your patient, isnt she?" He sighed sadly. "No wonder why you're so upset, my sweet, compassionate wife.

Tears brimmed my eyes and spilled down my cheeks. Oh, it was so cathartic to release them. I held them back for so long.

Carlisle, knowing exactly what I needed, kissed my temple and gently nuzzled the crook of my neck.

"If anyone can help her, you can." He whispered in my ear.

"I hope so, Carlisle, I hope so."

**Bella POV**

Newton Outfitters.

I stared at the large wooden sign with the whitish colored lettering, tapping my fingers against the steering wheel debating on whether or not I wanted to do this.

Blowing out a sigh, I realized I didn't have much of a choice.

I needed a job.

_Desperately._

And the library wasn't hiring.

I tried there first, hoping they would have an opening so I wouldn't have to take Mike Newton up on his offer. His parents owned the large store that was half hardware half sporting goods and currently they had an opening for a part time employee.

What did I know of screws and drills and hiking equipment?

Nada, that's what.

But it was a job and it was money.

And I didn't have the coordination to be a waitress.

I bit back a chuckle at the disaster that would be; some poor diners getting hot soup sloshed all over them because I tripped over an errant chair leg.

It's not a career choice, Bella, it's a get some money in your pocket and hope you can stow a little away in savings for college gig.

Charlie can't always be your cash cow.

Something moving in the storefront window caught my eye. Mike Newton was waving enthusiastically at me with a wide grin spread across his face. I gave a small hand wave back and blew out a huff of breath.

He must have recognized the big red eyesore of a truck in the parking lot. I don't think anyone else in Forks owned one and if they did, they weren't driving it around town.

Contemplation time was over.

Grabbing my pocketbook from the passenger seat, I jumped out of the truck and managed to get to the entrance without tripping once.

Mike opened the door for me, triggering a bell sound and ushered me inside.

"So are you here about the job?" He asked me rubbing the palms of his hands together.

"Actually I'm looking for a..." I notice the rafts hanging on the walls like 3D artwork. "raft for white water rafting."

"Really?" He choked in a higher than normal voice. "You white water raft?"

"Nah." I shook my head. "Just kidding. I am here about the part time position...if it's still available."

Part of me wished it wasn't.

He laughed, bobbing his head up an down like a dashboard bobble toy and tapped me on my upper arm. "Good one, Bella. You had me going there for a second. I love your sense of humor."

He blushed when I gave him a wane smile.

"Yeah...uh...let me go get an application for you to fill out, then you can meet my mom."

Mrs. Newton, who looks like and older, more frayed version of Mike with eyeglasses and a bob haircut. She read over my application with care and looked up at me.

"You're Charlie Swan's daughter."

It wasn't a question but I responded any way.

"Yes, ma'am."

She nodded. "Good man...your dad."

"I think so."

Was she weighing my merit based on what my parent's merit was?

Isn't that what they did with Rosalie and Jasper, my inner subconscious whispers in my ear?

"Can you run a cash register?"

"No." I shook my head apologetically "But I'm a quick learner." I added quickly.

She frowned slightly, pushed her sliding glasses back on the bridge of nose and sighed.

"I'll need someone three times a week after school, of course...Mondays, Wednesdays and Thursdays and one day on the weekends."

I think quickly on how I can rearrange my therapy sessions to accommodate this work schedule.

"So, when can you start?" She looks at me and my jaw nearly drops down to the floor.

"Ummm...as soon as possible?"

Mrs. Newton nods brusquely. "The Monday after next. It's not too busy. It will be a good time for Mike to show you the ropes."

I stole a glance at Mike who was grinning like he had just won the lottery.

Wonderful.

* * *

><p>"You are now looking at the newest member of the gainfully employed." I told Alice as I sat down beside her on the bleachers in the gym.<p>

"_Really_?" She turned to me with wide-eyed surprise. "Where? The library? That nifty little boutique on Forks Avenue? Please tell me it's not the diner." She frowned.

"Um…no…." I blinked a few times at her rapid fire questions. "Newton Outfitters, actually."

"Oh." She replied sounding oddly deflated.

"It's a job." I shrugged.

"With Newton." She whispered with a grimace. "When do you start?"

"The Monday after this next one."

Thinking even further about working in close proximity to Mike Newton had me wondering about the intelligence in taking this position. I didn't want to make it seem like I was encouraging him but I really needed a job.

"Hmm, it shouldn't be too, too bad then. At least when he starts baseball, you won't have to work with him much."

"So do I get your golden seal of approval?" I joked with her.

"Sure." She grinned and gracefully jumped off the bleachers when the gym teacher walked in the room. "Why not? More money to go shopping with."

* * *

><p>Emmett and Rosalie were all sorts of amused when I told them about my new job, Jasper didn't seem to have much of an opinion and Edward…well…Edward didn't look happy at all and I couldn't figure out why.<p>

"That's great, Bella." He nodded stoically, shoved a forkful of food in his mouth and swallowed, never even looking at me.

"Thanks." I mumbled with a shrug, picking at my food. I felt strangely…hurt…by his reaction.

If I was going to be working after school, I needed to use my free time more productively and that meant going to the library during my free period to work on my English Paper; The Gothic Novel and Nineteenth Century Women.

Over the course of the week, laboring over the antiquated computers in the library and finding myself searching through the stacks of reference books for pertinent material. I came to the conclusion that the school library sucked.

Mrs. Nelson, the librarian knew me by name after the second day. She must have been really bored because she kept asking me if I needed help finding anything. Even though I was well acquainted with the Dewey Decimal system and how books were categorized, I gave in and let her assist me with the book selections.

"Mind of I join you?"

I heard the familiar voice and looked up over the stack of books in front of me to see Edward standing there looking slightly uncomfortable with a one sided grin.

My breath caught.

My heart rate increased.

Nothing new there.

I was becoming used to the way his nearness affected me…sort of.

Glancing around, I saw that all the other desks in the library were empty.

"um…sure." I said.

"Sure…you mind or sure you don't."

"You can sit."

When he pulled out the chair across from me, the bottom scraped across the tiled floor making me cringe.

"Sorry." He grinned apologetically and sat down, moving my books to the side with his arm. "There, that's better…I can see you now."

The way he looked at me with his simmering green eyes that looked like there was so much locked underneath the surface made me uncomfortably warm and extremely nervous.

I had to look away, so I focused on my notebook instead, the pen in my hand trembling ever so slightly.

"So you have off this period too?" My voice sounded strained and squeaky.

"mm, hmm" He nodded as he opened up his own book.

He offered up no other explanation why he was here and more importantly why he chose to sit at the only occupied table.

Alrighty, then.

Shifting in my seat, I sighed and tried to get back to work…tried to ignore the pounding in my chest…his clean earthy smell that wasn't masked in cologne…his strong jawline and the tiny cleft of his chin…the sweep of his dark eyelashes against his skin…the green orbs flecked with gold that were now looking directly at me.

One eyebrow arched and he looked at me, eyes twinkling, lips pulled in a playful smirk.

"Yes?" He questioned.

Crap. I looked back down, making a show of rearranging the books in front of me in no particular order.

"Umm…nothing…never mind."

He chuckled under his breath and shook his head.

Over the next few days he met me here in the library.

Our conversations were hushed whispers over nonsensical things.

Music, books, likes, dislikes, favorite thing to do on a rainy afternoon.

I joked that they were all rainy days.

His life in Chicago.

My life everywhere.

Never anything too personal.

I couldn't go there.

He told me his comfort food was mac and cheese; home-made, not the store bought crap….his words.

I told him I had an old family recipe for it and loved how his eyes lit up when I told him.

"You're salivating." I remarked wryly.

"Are you kidding?" He whispered. " You have to tell me the recipe."

"Can't" I shook my head. "Grandma Swan's family secret."

"Then you have to make it for me….please?" He pleaded giving me a puppy dog eye look.

I snorted earning a scathing look from a student at another table.

"Maybe." I mouthed with a smirk.

I found myself craving this time with him; warring with myself over the anticipation I felt seeing him walking toward me with his backpack slung carelessly over one shoulder; a secret smile on his perfect lips.

After a few moments of companionable silence with only the sounds of pages turned and pens scratching breaking the quiet, I felt his eyes on me now.

Only when I looked up, he didn't look away.

"Do I have something on my face?" I asked touching my cheeks, hoping I didn't have a big pen ink mark.

"No." He shook his head, still staring, his voice a husky whisper,

"Then what?" I huffed.

He shrugged. "Nothing...never mind." He grinned.

I blushed.

"That's not funny."

"On the contrary…I think it's very funny." He cocked his head to one side. "You're adorable when you blush you know."

Of course, I blushed even harder.

"You shouldn't say things like that." I whispered.

"Why?" He asked curiously.

"Because I might think you mean them."

"What if I did?"

I couldn't answer him.

There were no words.

* * *

><p>"So you and Edward Cullen, huh?" Angela grinned and leaned towards me in trig class a few days later.<p>

"What?" I asked, shocked. "No."

Angela and I had gotten closer since the Lauren Mallory event. She was a shy quiet girl, albeit inquisitive and I liked her immediately. She didn't even fuss too much when I turned her down about an article she wanted to do on me for the school newspaper.

"Oh come on." She rolled her eyes. "Even if you aren't always seen together…the way he looks at you.." She fanned herself with her spiral notebook.

I gulped.

"How does he look at me?" I asked cautiously.

"Like he's hungry and you are a banquet." Angela blinked her eyes and held her hands over her heart in an exaggerated manner.

"Impossible" I told her with a shake of my head and a forced grin.

"Hey, I just call 'em like I see 'em."

My chest ached because I wanted it to be true even if my brain screamed at me that it was wrong and selfish.

I couldn't deny it anymore.

I was falling for Edward Cullen

Crap.


	21. Chapter 21

A/N - Thanks for all your reviews. They keep me motivated. We'll be hearing more from Bella this chapter and the next. Poor girl as a lot of issues.

Bella POV

As time passes, I fall into a semi-comfortable routine. I go to school, cook dinner for Charlie and me, do my homework and go to therapy when I'm scheduled. Esme says it's good to have a routine as high levels of stress could trigger flashbacks.

The meditation techniques are only marginally helpful.

The flashbacks come anyway.

But I have become a proficient actress.

I am pretty sure no one notices the mild ones at least.

The nightmares arrive every evening like clockwork, so I guess they have become part of my routine as well. Charlie, no longer stumbles frantically into my room when I begin to scream. He has become conditioned to the sound and sleeps right through it now.

It's a burden of guilt off my shoulders.

I spend a lot of time with Alice, Rosalie, Jasper, Emmett and Edward.

_Edward._

Since Angela's not so innocent comment, I had been thinking of him on a near constant basis; analyzing every heated gaze, every stray touch of his hand, every smile…just everything.

His mere nearness evoked such a depth of feeling within me; like a warm, protective embrace.

I craved it.

I craved him.

The fact that he may feel the same terrified me.

Because once he knew the truth, saw the extent of my sins…my _damage_, it would change.

And that would be my final breaking point.

I was barely holding on now.

The only problem was I didn't know how to stay away.

I didn't want to.

"Dinner. My house. Tomorrow night." Alice orders in a cheerful voice as she links her arm with mine in the hallway on the way to gym.

I steal myself not to flinch at her hand's close proximity to the vast scarring underneath my sweater.

Alice is truly a veritable force to be reckoned with.

"Tomorrow?" I question.

"Yup." She nods enthusiastically. "It's Friday so no excuses…unless you already have other plans." She frowns.

And although that was a possibility considering all the unwanted attention I was getting, I really had no desire to extend my social circle by too much. I was testing my limits as it was. This chummy friendship thing was still too new to me.

I was afraid I was going to muck something up on some epic level.

"No…my dinner with the President has been postponed." I joked covering the uncomfortable thought.

Alice chuckled. "Great. I'll let my mom know. Now let's boogie or we'll be late for gym."

* * *

><p>The way Esme regards me that afternoon has me fidgeting nervously in my chair. I have been studying her just as conscientiously as she has been studying me and I have gotten to know some of her tells.<p>

She crosses and uncrosses her legs when she is about to suggest something, she is not sure I will be comfortable with.

She leans forward when she thinks I am saying something insightful.

She plays with her bifocals when I talk about something that distresses her.

But today she wasn't doing any of those things. She was quiet…reflective…maybe little unsure and hesitant.

I am suddenly nervous, the inside of my mouth now feels like the Arizona desert in July…dry, gravelly, hot and swollen.

"Bella, I want to talk to you about when Phil came into your lives."

The oxygen quickly depletes from the room and I choke trying to suck air into my lungs.

My vision dims at the edges.

I see my mother, dead eyes staring at me.

I hear him; dark, deep and menacing.

_"Your fault!"_ He hisses.

I feel blood, rivulets of crimson, running a river all over me, through me, under me.

I taste copper in my mouth.

I hear an old country tune coming from the small speakers on the television.

_I fall to pieces_

_each time someone speaks your name_

_I fall to pieces_

_time only adds to the flame_

And I am falling

Falling

Esme is there.

Calming voice

Frantic hands

Holding me up, settling me back in the chair.

Her words sound like they are coming through a tunnel.

Tinny and echoed.

She's apologizing.

I want to tell her to stop.

_I_ should be apologizing

If only my mouth can form the words.

She embraces me, rocking me back and forth, hands soothing my hair.

I am like a child held to her mother's bosom.

The vice that constricted my chest is loosening as I am brought back to the present.

And I breathe; a shuddering breath

And I am calmer.

Esme pulls away slightly, sensing my resurgence into reality.

Her eyes like liquid butterscotch; so tortured, look down on me.

I pull away even further, wrapping my arms around myself, bending over hoping to keep from fracturing apart.

"I'm sor…"

"Don't" I interrupt her apology. "My fault."

I can still hear him; an endless loop that is only now starting to recede.

She was only doing her job.

"Bella?" She doesn't move from her spot beside me and selfish as I am, I don't want her to go. "Bella, look at me." Her voice is a soft command but begs no defiance.

I turn slowly to her.

"Don't add this to your growing guilt."

I laugh bitterly. She knows me so well.

"You are upset." I told her.

"Well of course I'm upset, Bella. It was my statement that brought this on. I thought you may have been ready to talk about him…you've been doing so well and I was wrong. I'm upset at me. _Me_, Bella." She pointed at herself.

"I should be able to talk about him without breaking apart."

"Why?"

Good question.

I shrug. I don't really know.

Esme gets up and goes over to her desk. She rifles through some papers and pulls out a small pamphlet and hands it to me.

"Port Angeles Women's Crisis Center." I read out loud and looked at her questioningly.

"They have group therapy…free…for young women just like you."

I skim through the small booklet. "Isn't this for rape victims? I wasn't raped."

"You almost were." She corrects. "it's also for victims of other violent crime."

Yes, I definitely qualify.

"Are you dropping me as a patient?" My voice breaks on a sob.

"No, no, of course not. But I do think it's a good supplement to what we're attempting to do _here_." She squats in front of me, placing her hands on mine. "You feel alone in this. You can't imagine anyone feeling the same way you do…the guilt, the fear, all of it. But there are and they do. And they go to these meetings so they don't feel so alone."

"I would have to talk?"

"Or you could just listen. I volunteer there every Saturday morning. Think about it Bella."

I nod. "Okay."

I am exhausted as I drive home.

Skipping dinner, I fall into a dreamless sleep.

It's the first night I have without nightmares.

* * *

><p>After an hour of debating what to wear for dinner at the Cullen's, even though Alice said come as you are. I decided on one of my new pieces, courtesy of Alice's no holds barred advice; black leggings and a long maroon sweater that ended mid-thigh.<p>

Not wanting to show up empty handed, I drove first to Sweet P's Bakery and picked up an apple pie for dessert.

As I make the dark turn on the private driveway, I can see the small lantern lights along the sides of the snow covered gravel road lighting up the direction.

What it must be like to live here, I think; set back in the middle of virtually nowhere surrounded by majestic spruces, firs and cedar and sprawling moss covered terrain. It seemed so isolated from the rest of the small town.

The house, when it came into view, looked so bright against the backdrop of the night. I parked the truck next to Jasper's car and made my way to the front door.

Dr. Carlisle Cullen looked like he could have stepped off the cover of GQ; blonde haired and brown eyed, he had a bright welcoming smile that displayed teeth that would make a dentist drool.

"Come in, come in." He waved me inside. "It must be freezing outside."

I stepped into the foyer, completely unsure of myself. "Hi," I managed and thrust out my hand, balancing the pie in the other. "I'm Bella. You must be Dr. Cullen."

He smiled revealing tiny laugh lines at the corners of his eyes. "Pleased to finally meet you, Bella…and you can call me Carlisle. Here let me take your coat and we can join everyone else."

I expected there to be some awkwardness with Esme considering my total breakdown in her office but she acted like nothing happened; that this was a completely ordinary situation as she greeted me with a hug.

She made a fuss over the pie as if I had baked it myself and brought it into the kitchen.

"Bella's here!" I heard Alice shout from the other room and before I knew it she was there, throwing her arms around me in a hug.

"Jesus, Alice, don't strangle her." Edward said as he walked in the room behind her.

"Should I be jealous?" Jasper smirked. "Hey Bella." He said in greeted when Alice released me.

"Thanks for um…inviting me." I told Alice.

"Oh please…" She rolled her eyes. "You're already practically one of the family. Don't be so formal."

This was a surprise. One of the family? Since when?

"You made me crash!" I heard Emmett shout from the other room.

"Suck it up, Cullen." That was Rosalie.

"Xbox." Edward explained casually. "Sounds like Rose is winning."

* * *

><p>Dinner was what I assumed was a normal family affair. Carlisle and Esme sat at the heads of the large dining room table, with Esme closest to the kitchen. Seated in between Alice and Edward as I was, it was difficult to keep focus on the conversation around me. I was keenly aware of him and prayed eh could not hear my wildly thumping heartbeat.<p>

"Alice talks about you so much I feel like I already know you." Dr. Cullen says to me and I nearly choke on my water.

This earned a snicker from Emmett followed by a head thump from Rose.

"Children." Esme admonished but there was no bite in her tone, only amusement.

I give Alice a sideways glance. What has she said about me?

"Uh…thanks…I think." I said in response. I can feel my face turning the color of my sweater.

"Don't look so embarrassed." Dr. Cullen chuckled. "It's all good things, I promise. You know I really admire someone who can stand up for what they believe against the popular consensus. That takes a lot of courage."

It takes me a second before I realize he's talking about the Lauren Mallory crap. Then I pale.

"It wasn't that…uh…big of a deal." I shrug.

"So, I'm gonna try out for the baseball team." Emmett suddenly announces and winks at me.

I could kiss him right now for drawing the attention off of me.

"Really?" Edward snorts. "Since when?"

Emmett leaned bask in his chair with a devious smile on his face. "Oh, there are a few reasons I could think of."

"But the team sucks." Jasper said amused.

"Yeah, but…I hear they're getting a new coach. Some big shot from SoCal."

"Why on earth would a 'big shot' from Southern California want to coach our lousy team?" Jasper asks him.

Emmett shrugged. "Dunno…maybe he likes a challenge."

* * *

><p>It was Edward that insisted on taking me home that night, claiming it was late and he worried about me driving in the dark when I didn't know the area that well.<p>

"That's ridiculous." I told him. "How are _you_ going to get back?"

He shrugs. "How about we take my car and Alice will pick you up in the morning to get your truck?"

"I'll take her home." Alice volunteered.

"I got this, Alice." He sounded annoyed.

"Hey." I said shrugging on my coat. "There is no need to fight about it. I'm a big girl with a driver's license."

"I'd really feel better if Edward drives you home dear." Esme cut in. "It's raining pretty heavily out there."

I sighed, defeated. "Okay." I mumbled. I couldn't refuse Esme.

Esme looked amused, Edward triumphant and Alice…well she looked thoughtful.

After saying my goodbyes, I cradled the Tupperware container stuffed with leftovers (for Charlie, Esme said) with one hand against my body while Edward grabbed my other hand and made a dash for the car in the rain.

By the time we made it inside, we were both laughing and totally soaked.

In the dark confines of the car, I looked at him.

He looked at me.

The laughing stopped.

We both stared.

Gazed.

Awareness licked at me, heating me.

My breath hitched.

I nervously licked my bottom lip.

His green eyes became a dark forest.

His Adams apple bobbed in his perfect throat.

I shivered.

He cleared his throat suddenly, turning away to look straight ahead at the windshield and started the car.

The engine purred to life.

"Right." He gave a tense nod. "Well, let's get you home then."


	22. Chapter 22

A/N - Thanks for all the reviews so far. You guys are awesome. I hope you enjoy this chapter because the next couple have some tissue warnings.

Bella POV

He almost kissed me.

And I almost let him.

When he dropped me off in front of my house, the swish of the windshield wipers and the low hum of the music on the radio served as the backdrop to a strained and awkward goodbye.

"I'll walk you to your door." He said with a hoarse rasp to his voice as he unbuckled his seatbelt.

"It's okay. No need for the both of us to get soaked." I told him.

"Bella," He grinned. "In case you haven't noticed, I'm already soaked."

He was. Rain drops still glistened in his hair, matting it down against his forehead.

If possible, it made him look even more appealing.

I swallowed hard.

Before I could protest even further, he was out of the car walking briskly to my side not even bothering to cover his head from the pelting rain.

"Stubborn." I groaned and opened up the door on my side, nearly falling in my attempt to step over a giant puddle in between the curb and the car.

He caught me easily, steadied me and took the bag of leftovers from my hand and replaced it with his own hand. Despite the cold in the air, the feel of his flesh on mine singed me as he walked me to the front door and under the awning that fell over it.

Fitting my key in the lock, I turned to him, my breath hitched at the way his brows drew together as he studied me with luminous green eyes. Moving aside a wet strand of hair that was plastered against my face, he bent down and I felt the smallest brush of his lips on my cheek before he pulled away.

"Goodnight Bella." His voice was husky and it sent a shiver through me.

"Goodnight Edward."

I watched him drive off in his car until his red taillights were no longer visible.

The rest of the weekend passed uneventfully but by the time Monday came around and I was faced with Edward again, there was a new tension…a new awkward awareness between us.

If the others noticed, they never said anything.

* * *

><p>The brochure Esme gave me burns a hole through my book bag. I have taken it out several times and read through it, only to shove it back disgustedly in my bag. The corners of the yellow pages are folded and frayed now after being read and tossed back in among my school books.<p>

_Port Angeles Women's Crisis Center – Hope is Found Here_

Was it really?

Could I sit in a room filled with others and listen to their stories? Compare them against my own horror show?

What if they were like me?

What if they _weren't_?

I needed to talk to Esme.

Maybe I even needed to go here to this place where they advertise hope for the broken like me.

I just knew I couldn't live like this anymore.

The shame...the guilt...the terror...ripping me apart from the inside out.

I had to do this for Charlie...for me.

The paper trembled in my hand.

"Hey, Bella"

Rose!

I turned around too swiftly from my locker and the brochure slipped from my fingers. I watched in slow motion as it dropped to the floor right in front of Rose's feet.

I swooped down to retrieve it before she could get to it but I was too late; she already had it in her hand.

Swallowing convulsively, I tried to think of how I could lie my way out of this one but the pitying, knowing look she gave me as she handed the brochure back to me told me there was nothing I could say.

"Bella?" He hand cupped her mouth in horror, her eyes wide and suddenly moist.

"Please, don't." I said all but begging as I shoved the paper back in my bag, tasting the acid burn of bile in my throat.

She nodded jerkily.

I didn't' want her sympathy.

I didn't deserve it.

"It's not what you think." I added.

She looked at me skeptically.

"If you want to talk…"

"I don't." I cut her off abruptly and softened my tone immediately. "Please…just…"

"It's okay, Bella. Believe me, if anyone understands it's me."

I shook my head.

No…no she couldn't. No one was dead because of her. No one suffered daily because of her actions.

"Can we just...just keep this between us?"

"Of course." She answered without question and pulled me into a quick hug. "I'm here Bella…when you need me, I am here."

* * *

><p>After filling out the W-2 forms and giving over my driver's license to Mrs. Newton to copy, Mike showed me around the store; taking me aisle by aisle pointing out the various items that were sold. Fortunately he had given me a paper that listed product types by aisle or I would never remember that fishing equipment was in aisle seven and camping equipment was on the far wall.<p>

"Guns and knives are in a glass encasement in the back." Mike told me and this had me stopping short.

"Did you say, kn…knives?" I stammered.

_Please, no._

I willed myself to remain steady.

Could he here my heart drumming in my chest?

"I know. Cool right?" He grinned enthusiastically.

I felt cold sweat begin to break out on the back of my neck and it was a struggle just to breathe.

"Um…no…not really."

Mike's face fell at my less than excited response.

"Well, my parents are the only ones that have the key anyway." He grumbled. "So if anyone asks to see anything, just get my mom."

Some of my panic eased and receded. As long as I didn't have to touch them, go near them or look at them, I should be okay.

I hope.

By the end of my four hour shift I was so ready to go home. Between Mike's constant hovering and his mother's strange looks, I wasn't sure I wanted to go back. Mrs. Newton figured out pretty quickly that my strength was behind the cash register after I tripped and all the contents of the box I was carrying out of the storage room ended up all over the floor.

Luckily nothing broke…except my pride.

I stared out at the night as I pulled on my coat. The rain had wiped away all traces of snow. The parking lot of the store is barely lit by one light casting an eerily long shadow across the pavement. The dark coats everything else as if it had devoured it.

"We'll see you tomorrow Bella." Mrs Newton called out to me from her office.

I offer a tight smile and a wave.

Cocooning my coat around me, I pushed open the door and shiver as a gust of wind hits me in the face.

"Bella, hold up." Mike calls out to me just as I navigate my feet around the puddles towards my truck.

The craters of water splash around him as he runs towards me.

Wondering if I left something behind, I check to make sure I have my school bag and my purse.

Nope, I have them.

He slows down as he approaches and I can see his mother watching curiously from the inside the store.

Stopping about a foot from me, he cups the back of his neck. It's a nervous gesture; one I've seen Charlie do many times.

"So did you…uh…have a good first day?" He asks me shifting his weight from one foot to the other.

"Yeah…I guess." I tell him as I open the door to my truck eager to get inside and start the engine so I could get the car warmed up.

"Good, good." He smiles and rocks back on his heels.

"Okay then…" I hoist myself up into the seat but I can't shut the door because Mike is holding it open. "Was there something else?" I ask trying to be polite. He was making me nervous the way he stood there ogling me.

"There's a school dance coming up…for Valentine's Day." He starts.

He no longer looks nervous but very sure of himself.

Oh, hell no.

I can see where this is going.

"I want you to go with me."

Wow.

It wasn't even a question.

And it irks the hell out of me.

"I don't dance." I tell him and start the truck.

Please take the hint, Mike.

"We don't have to dance." He says smoothly, his tone suggestive. "We could just…you know…_hang out_."

"Actually, I have other plans."

I was surprised at how firm I sounded because it was a blatant lie. I had no plans.

"It's Cullen isn't it? You're already going with him."

I can hear the belligerence in his tone and saw a slight pout to his lips. He isn't used to being turned down and this was the second time I have done so with the same excuse.

"What? No. I already said I wasn't going at all." I told him. "You should ask Jessica."

"_Jessica?_" He looked shocked. "Jessica _Stanley_? He lets go of my truck door and I take the advantage of the opportunity and close it.

I nod. "I'm pretty sure she'd say yes."

And with that, I wave and ease out onto the main road. A brief glimpse into my rearview mirror shows me, Mike is still standing there looking perplexed as he watches me pull away.

* * *

><p>Tyler Crowley asks me to the dance next.<p>

Then Eric Yorkie.

And Riley Biers, one of Emmett's football buddies who I think I said hello to once.

I've turned them all down.

I had to admit a secret part of me wanted to go; to dress up in a pretty dress and dance all night. But the graceful hallucination exploded to oblivion when hit with the reality of what I wake up to every morning.

Get over it and move on, Bella, a voice inside of me badgered. Enough with the internal pity party.

Alice hasn't stopped badgering me since she found out I wasn't going. She's been talking about nothing but this dance for the last few days saying how she didn't want to go last year but now everything has changed; what she's going to wear, what she's going to make Jasper wear ( I snorted at this knowing if it were up to Jasper, he's go in black jeans and a Ramones T-shirt).

"But you have to come." She pouts. "It won't be the same without you."

I roll my eyes good naturedly. "I'm sure you'll survive."

I want to ask if Edward is going but I don't dare.

"Says you. C'mon I know you've been asked…" She narrows her eyes in accusation."…several times."

"It's really not my thing." I tell her as we sit down to lunch.

"What's not your thing?" Rose asks as she joins us.

It's just us girls today. The boys decide since there is a break in the bleak weather, they want to toss a ball around to break the cabin fever they were feeling. We on the other hand opted for the warmth of indoors.

"The dance." Alice and I say simultaneously.

"Oh." She smirks. "Yeah, not my thing either."

"Hey." Alice exclaims. "I thought you said you were going."

"I am." Rose huffs. "So don't get your Victoria's Secrets in a twist. Emmett wants to go so…" she shrugs. "Me? I just don't like these people well enough to spend any more time with them than I have to."

"Maybe you can convince Bella to go. It'll be all six of us against the world…or at least Forks High."

So Edward _is_ going. The question was, who with.

The idea of him having someone on his arm makes me feel ill.

"If Bella doesn't want to go, Alice, she shouldn't." Rose says quietly her eyes darting to me knowingly.

Alice lets it go and the dance is forgotten for the moment…at least by them. I can't help scanning the cafeteria looking to see if I could figure out who the lucky girl going with Edward is. I chance a glance out the window preparing to feel the pain of seeing someone hanging on his every move as he tosses the football with Emmett and Jasper. To my relief, I see no one there.

Almost as if he can feel my eyes on him, he catches the ball easily and turns. His own eyes lock on mine from the distance away and he gives me a wide smile just before Jasper tackles him to the ground.

I hold back a giggle as I turn away embarrassed that he caught me watching him only to face Alice's amused smile and Rose's bittersweet one.


	23. Chapter 23

A/N - Okay guys...a lot of stuff happens in this chapter (as you can probably tell by the length). This one took a lot out of me. Probable tissue use warning. Reviews are appreciated. Enjoy!

* * *

><p>Edward POV<p>

My fingers skated over the smooth, black and white keys of the baby grand in the music room. I hadn't played in a very long time; not since the move. I knew mom had it tuned and dusted regularly in the vain hopes that I would begin to play again but so far it had just sat here, alone; a useless piece of expensive furniture.

Until now.

Last night, I had lain awake in my darkened bedroom; a bittersweet, desolate melody echoing through my mind morphing into a crescendo of hope and something more…something that was just out of my grasp but I could not yet define. It enveloped me just the same, providing a protective, glowing warmth around me.

It was a quiet Saturday around the house; Emmett and Dad were both working, Mom had her volunteer work at the crisis center for a few hours and Alice was probably over Jasper's.

My mind wandered to Bella.

_Bella._

Had it only been a month since I met her? It felt like so much longer. How quickly she had woven herself into the tapestry of our lives...of _my_ life, consuming my every thought, even when I had tried in the beginning to ignore her very existence. It was hard to imagine my life without Bella Swan in it. I don't think she was even aware of her effect on me.

How could she? When I tried so hard to conceal my true feelings and mask it under the pretense of friendship.

Friendship…what a tame and placid word. It barely skimmed the surface of how I felt.

A touch there, an intimate laugh here, a kiss on the cheek when I really wanted to claim her lips instead, holding hands in the rain, her knee against mine, my fingers twirling in her strawberry scented hair.

She was all shy, doe eyed innocence; never recognizing the impression she had on me or anyone else who orbited around her.

And orbit they did…frequently.

It drove me fucking nuts.

Unconsciously my fingers curled into a tight fist and slammed down on the pristine keys creating a discordant bellow of harsh notes that resounded eerily through the stillness of the house.

Beating the crap out of inanimate objects won't solve anything, idiot.

Slowly my fingers uncurled and began to depress down on the keys, releasing a soothing arpeggio of sound as I got used to having the smooth keys under the pads of my fingers once again.

A sense of peace and rightness enveloped me. Oh, how I missed this. Why had I stopped?

You became passionless and closed off…wary of the world around you, that's why, my inner Jiminy sneered at me.

I closed my eyes and began to play the melody that kept me awake all hours of the night…purging what was in my heart…what was in my soul, sculpting it and shaping it, molding it until it began to synchronize with what I felt deep inside of me.

I felt something manic take over me. Yanking the song book from inside the bench seat, I opened it and with the pencil found within the blank pages, I scribbled the first notes I heard inside my head, tested them, scratched them out and tested some more.

No! It couldn't be done like this. It was too methodical…too contrived.

_Just play._

I shoved the pencil behind my ear and I found myself caught up in the wild musical storm of my own creation. Emotions that I had contained for so long burned like acid through my too stoic and too composed mask.

I played and I played hard. I played soft. I played loud. I played my harsh, bitter tears. I played her rich, melodious laughter. I played my dreams. I played her hidden fears.

I played until I was exhausted and near weeping with my head bowed and beads of perspiration dripping from my forehead onto the pristine polished wood of the keyboard.

At the sound of soft clapping behind me, I swiftly turned around, eyes wide in alarm. My mother was standing there with tears glistening in her eyes but she looked happy…joyful even.

"How long have you been standing there?" I asked her, wincing at the accusing tone of my own voice.

"Long enough." She said softly as she came into the room. I moved over slightly on the bench, giving her room to sit down. "It's been too long since I've heard you play."

"Since we moved." I whispered.

"Yes." She closed her eyes briefly, a touch of sadness flitting across her features. "I had despaired that I wouldn't hear you play again."

"Don't be sad."

"I'm not…not anymore. " She shook her head; her lips tilting upward slightly. "Was that your own piece?"

I nodded, my fingers once again trailing across the keys.

"It was beautiful." She sighed.

"It needs work." I said grim faced with determination. "I want it to be…_perfect_."

For her…for Bella.

"I suppose I have Bella to thank for the transformation in my children…in you."

My eyes shot to hers. Had she heard my thoughts? Did I say them out loud?

"Oh don't look at me like that." Esme chuckled. "A mother knows…" She tapped her temple with her finger. " …especially when her despondent son is suddenly not so despondent anymore and the music coming from his fingertips is so poignantly lovely it brings tears to an old woman's eyes."

"You're not old." I snorted.

She turned very serious suddenly and very sad. "Bella is a very special girl, Edward. You're good for each other. Anyone with eyes can see how you feel about each other even if no official words between you have been said." Mom sighed heavily and placed a hand on my shoulder giving it a comforting squeeze. "And when you finally do work up the courage to play this for her…don't let her convince you otherwise."

What did she know that I didn't?

"Mom? Do you know something…about Bella?"

I was greedy for any information I could get but my mother was insistent on being cryptic.

Tears sprang to her eyes once more but I knew instinctively these weren't ones of joy. "Bella will have to tell you herself." She patted my hand and got up. "Just remember what I said, okay?"

Fighting the urge to question her further, I nodded slowly trying to work out this new piece of the Bella puzzle in my head.

Never had I immersed myself into something so completely than I did this piece…this maelstrom of harmony and discord that somehow managed to sound beautifully haunting. While it was freeing, I was also burdened under the weight of it's importance.

And it was important for it would change everything.

For better or for worse.

* * *

><p>The melody stayed in my head in a continual loop, I was nearly bursting with it. Now that it was finished, I had to play it for her and soon.<p>

Maybe the cheesy red hearts plastered around the school for Valentine's Day had something to do with my sudden impatience to declare myself and put everything out there…or maybe it was the idea that because of the anticipation of the holiday someone else may actually beat me to it.

It was all so cliché, I couldn't help thinking. Telling her I love her…yes love, I had finally been able to admit to myself it was love…around one of the biggest sap fests of the year.

"Are you playing air piano?" Bella whispered to me as she sat down in the wooden chair next to me.

I jumped, unnerved that I was so absorbed in my own thoughts, I didn't hear her approach or feel her presence. Looking down at my fingers, I realized the way my hands were splayed on the library table that I was indeed unconsciously tapping out Bella's melody.

Flushing slightly, I raised my head to look at her. "Guilty as charged." I admitted. "It looks a lot more refined than air guitar." I added jokingly.

"Most definitely." Bella agreed with a smile that could light up a room. "So is that for show or do you really play?"

"I really play…since I was six. When I started living with Esme and Carlisle, they had this beautiful baby grand. It was so shiny." I shook my head with the memory. "I always hovered around it but I was too afraid to touch it…six year olds always have something grubby on their hands…" I grinned at Bella.

"…until Carlisle sat me on the bench with him and taught me how to play "Heart and Soul". I was so entranced by the sounds it made, Carlisle and Esme hired a piano teacher to come to the house. I've been playing ever since. "

"You must be really good then."

"I guess…" I shrugged. "I don't know. I don't play to be good."

"_Why_ do you play then?"

Good question. The problem was how honest did I want to be?

"I guess it's a release of sorts." I explained slowly. "There were a lot of things I needed to work through…demons to exorcise… and no other avenue appealed to me and playing the piano helped me sort through a lot of it…kind of like journal writing but with music, I suppose. I haven't played for a long time until recently. I missed it."

Bella sat there with the saddest expression on her face tracing imaginary designs in the wooden grain of the table, I just wanted to reach out and cradle her cheek in my palm.

"I wish I could play an instrument." She sighed softly, her brown eyes focusing on me.

I inhaled a quick breath.

Could it really be this easy?

"Do you have demons to exorcise?" I asked with a smile.

I had meant it to be a joke but her expression suggested I wasn't too far off the mark.

"You have no idea." She said so softly I barely heard her.

My chest clenched in pain for her. Damn me for my ignorant attempt at wit.

"I can teach you if you want." I told her sincerely, wanting nothing more than to wipe away the painful look in her face.

She shook her head again, the slightest shade of pink coloring her too pale cheeks.

"I'm afraid I won't be any good."

"Even Chopin didn't sound like Chopin when he began." I joked. "Besides…" I impulsively lifted her hand towards me. My inner Lothario grinned when I heard her breath hitch at my touch. "You have the perfect hands for playing." I traced the outline of her delicate fingers in a caressing manner. "Piano fingers, my mom calls them."

"Piano fingers?" She queried, plucking at her bottom lip with her teeth, turning it redder and plumper.

I chuckled to disguise my sudden desire. "It's a compliment." I said huskily, still caressing her fingers. I wasn't ready to let her hand go just yet. "It means you have long and slender fingers…able to reach the keys more easily."

"Oh."

"So will you?"

"Will I what?" She asked confused.

"Let me teach you?"

She looked down at our still entwined fingers and gave a slight tug of her hand. I regretfully released my hold, feeling bereft.

"I wouldn't want to impose on your time."

As if she ever could.

"On the contrary. I would enjoy it immensely."

"Ummm….okay….sure, I guess."

"How's Friday night then?" I asked eagerly.

Bella did a quick double take. "Friday? You mean you're not going to the dance?"

The dance! Shit! That stupid Valentine's Day debacle I wanted no part of.

Was she going to the dance?

Fuck! What if someone already asked her?

"No, High school dances aren't my thing." I told her. "Are you going?"

I held my breath waiting for the answer.

She shook her head. "I don't dance…two left feet remember?"

"No one's asked you?" I asked surprised.

She frowned. "I didn't say that." She said cryptically.

I gave a mental fist pump, the relief I felt was palatable.

"Okay, well then Friday night it is."

* * *

><p>"Okay bro, spill." Emmett demanded of me the night of the dance after he stalked me into my room.<p>

Bella would be over soon, Mom and Dad had already left for Seattle and their own Valentine's Day Celebration. They would be gone until morning.

"Spill what?"

"_You're_ not going to the dance. _Bella's_ not going to the dance. Are you not going to the dance…_together?_" He asked with a smirk, waggling his eyebrows.

"I'm teaching her how to play piano."

There was no way I was telling Emmett, the loud mouth, what I really had planned.

"So, is that like asking her to see your stamp collection? Is little Eddie gonna trade his V card for a Man card?"

"You are a pig." I told him, throwing one of my pillows in his face but he caught it easily. "And don't talk about Bella like that. She's not like that." I huffed.

"Good." He gave me a satisfied smirk and crossed his hands over his chest. " I was just testing you…cause if you said yes, I would have had to kick your ass."

It was no secret that Emmett kind of adopted Bella as a little sister ever since what is now known as the Lauren Mallory incident. The way she had defended Rose had cemented Bella's place in Emmett's protective circle and it seemed not even I was immune to his wrath should he deem it necessary.

"I'm sure Mom would have something to say about that." I told him. "I'm pretty sure she has a no ass kicking policy amongst siblings."

"She may make an exception in Bella's case. They're pretty tight." He said thoughtfully.

So he had noticed it too. I wondered if it was just me. Mom's words about Bella came back to me. I was almost certain there was something important I didn't know about Bella.

"Anyway..." Emmett elongates the word dramatically and rocks back on the balls of his feet. "Good luck with the piano lesson." He winked. "I hope you get what you're after Ed, I really do."

"I don't know what you're talking about." I mumbled.

"C'mon, you've been holed up in the music room for a week pouring your soul all over that poor baby grand. Dude...if that ain't love..."

He gives my arm a punch and grins at me before he leaves.

Asshole.

* * *

><p>After Emmett and Alice leave the house, I am a wreck.<p>

A complete bat shit crazy wreck.

I must have changed what I was wearing at least three times before settling on jeans and a sweater, which happened to be the first thing I put on after my shower.

Will she have already eaten by the time she gets here?

Should I cook something?

Was she expecting me to?

No…probably not.

Jesus, I was turning into a girl.

I glanced at the clock.

7:40

She would be here in twenty minutes.

I would have her all to myself in twenty minutes.

No interruptions

No siblings

No friends

No assholes trying to catch her attention.

Just me.

_Fuck._

This was it…this was really going to happen.

I was going to reveal my feelings.

A cold sweat broke out on my forehead.

My hands felt clammy and I wiped them over and over down the legs of my pants.

Breathe Cullen

Just breathe

I sat

I stood

I kept checking out the windows for headlights looming up the drive

I paced

I brushed my teeth

Once

Twice

Three times

Then I heard it.

The unmistakable groaning of her truck's engine as it approached the house.

Running down the stairs, I flung open the door just as she was getting out of her truck. She must have heard me for she looked up startled before a smile lit up her face.

She was here.

I was at peace.

She was cradling a covered aluminum tray in the crook of her arm as she walked towards the house.

"Hey." She said, her slightly breathless voice sending heated chills through me.

"Hey." I swallowed heavily and pointed to the tray. "Whatcha got there?" I asked as I reached for it to take it from her.

"Be careful. It's hot." She warned as she handed it over. Then she smiled hesitantly. "You mentioned you wanted to try my macaroni and cheese, so…Um…I don't know if you already ate…"

Dinner problem solved.

"This is perfect, thank you."

You're perfect, I want to say but I hold my tongue.

She blushes prettily and I usher her inside the house, taking her coat as she takes it off.

I lead us into the kitchen and pull out two plates from the cabinet and lift the cover off the tray.

Oh man. It smells mouth-watering. My stomach growls in agreement.

As I heap the creamy cheese gooey mass onto my plate, I notice Bella watching me with an amused look.

"What?" I grin.

"You." She smiles back and points at my plate. "You haven't even tasted it. How do you know you're going to like it?"

"If it tastes anything like it smells, I really don't think that's a problem."

And it does.

Oh man, I think my mouth just had an orgasm.

"You have to tell me the recipe." I demand as we sit at the table and eat.

"And risk being haunted by my grandma? Nope, sorry." She teased.

When we finish eating my nerves hit me full force again.

"So are you ready to learn how to play?" My vocal chords seem to have frozen up and my voice sounds somewhere between a croak and a squeak.

"Lead on Maestro."

I give her a mock bow and we walk up the two flights of stairs to the music room.

Her approach towards the baby grand is tentative and I can't help but watch her slow movements as I sit on the bench. Her delicate fingers hover over the black wood before touching down, caressing the sleek instrument in awe with a gentle touch.

She is mesmerized by it.

I am mesmerized by her.

I am also jealous of the piano she touches so reverently.

Bella looks up at me; a warm pink stain blossoms on her cheeks and her lips gape slightly. I can only imagine what expression I have on my face to make her stare at me like that.

I clear my throat painfully.

"You can sit down next to me. I won't bite."

But oh how I want to.

"Are you sure?" Bella's brown eyes are wide and luminous.

"Sure I won't bite?" I leer teasingly to throw humor in the suddenly tense mood of the room.

She laughs and my shoulders relax but only slightly.

I hold my breath as she gingerly sits down next to me; our bodies just about touching. The force of my need for her is painful and as much as I want to tell her how I feel, I am terrified.

"Show me what you got." She says, her hands resting primly in her lap as she stares expectantly at me.

I blink.

Oh I can take that in so many ways.

"What?"

"Well, how am I supposed to judge if you are good enough to teach me if I've never heard you play?" Her eyes are twinkling with amusement. "Air piano doesn't exactly count, you know."

"Of course." I grin. "How silly of me."

I stretch my fingers over the keys and begin to play Twinkle Twinkle Little Star as a joke.

"Oh ha ha." She bumps against my shoulder.

"Okay. Okay." I school my face into a serious expression and suddenly all the humor from my face is gone.

With her, here, next to me…this is the moment…this is _my_ moment.

My eyes close.

I am one with the music, the notes a permanent tattoo branded into my soul and I play. The melody transforms to a completely different plain now that she is here to share it with me.

My muse

My Bella

I hope.

I can feel her eyes on me as I pour everything I am into the instrument before me…this conduit to my hopes and dreams and it fuels the fire within me hotter…brighter.

I am an inferno.

The piece hits it's crescendo, plateaus and dips toward the ending; higher more lighthearted notes than the low dark ones that riddled the beginning.

I finish the composition and the room is silent and still with the exception of my ragged breathing. Too afraid to look at Bella, I keep my eyes focused on the keys before me.

"Wow. That was amazing." She gushed. "What's it called?"

"I don't know." I look at her intently. I can feel the mask of friendship disintegrating to reveal more. "I haven't come up with a title for it yet."

"You? You wrote that?" She stared at me delighted and utterly amazed.

I nod slowly…swallow convulsively past the giant lump in the base of my throat.

"For you." I whisper.

Without my own accord, my hand seeks to cradle her cheek. The pad of my thumb circle her cheekbones. She leans in slightly into my palm as awareness enters her expression, her eyes darting back and forth warily…unsure.

I have to kiss her.

I have no choice.

My head slowly dips lower. Her lips part slightly. I can feel her breath coming in short hot pants, fanning my cheek.

My heart thumps crazily in my chest.

I reach her lips.

They touch briefly, sweet, hot and searing.

I am bursting.

She is turning away.

What? No!

"I'm sorry." Her face etched in regret as she scrambles off the bench. "I…I can't do this."

My heart restricts in my chest and groans.

"Why?" I barely recognize my voice.

She feels the same.

I know she does.

I can feel it, breathe it.

I hold my breath waiting for her answer.

She wraps her arms around herself and leans forward like it's an effort to remain upright.

"I'm not who you think I am."

"That's bullshit." I blurt out, taken aback by my own harshness.

She flinches.

I don't mean to sound so harsh but I am angry.

Why was she doing this?

My mother's words come back to haunt me.

_"Anyone with eyes can see how you feel about each other even if no official words between you have been said…and when you finally do work up the courage to play this for her…don't let her convince you otherwise."_

She shakes her head back and forth. "It's not. I…"

In a fraction of a second, I am standing before her, my hands clasped on her shoulders. She's so slight, I fear she will disintegrate before me.

"You are selfless and kind, warm and compassionate. You are quite simply, extraordinarily beautiful." I say and I mean every word.

She winces but she doesn't try to break my hold on her.

"Look at me." I shake her slightly to bring her attention back to my face. "Look at me and tell me you don't feel one ounce of what I feel for you. Can you do that? Can you?"

Her brown eyes are so stark, so desolate I nearly falter and crumble under the weight if the pain I see etched in her irises.

I _know_ I am right in this.

I will not relent.

She is momentarily silent.

"I _can't._" She whispers defeated, her shoulders slump. "You _know_ I can't."

"Then what's the problem?"

"It won't work…_we_ won't work."

"You won't even give it a chance."

"I'm…I'm not good for you."

My arms drop. I am floored.

She is _everything_ that is good.

"_Why?_" I gasp not hiding the horror from my tone. "_Why_ would you say that?"

"Because it's true. You just don't know it yet."

"No." I shake my head. "No, it isn't."

Only a few inches separate us but I close the gap, taking her in my arms. She tenses but doesn't resist.

She is trembling.

I am shaking.

My fingers wind in her hair and I breathe her in.

"Tell me."

She pulls away.

And I am lost.

"Your mother's my therapist, Edward. I've been seeing her since I came to live in Forks." She says quietly, her eyes averted.

"Is _that_ why you think you're not good enough…because you're my mother's _patient?_" I scrub my hand down my face. "I got news for you Bella, half the damn school has probably been to see my mother at one time or another…hell, she was even _my_ therapist at one time."

"This is different. When you eventually find out, you'll see just how much…then you'll be happy to be spared."

"How is it different?" I shout. "Tell me, damn it. Let me in."

Please, tell me, I beg silently. Please let me in.

"I…I…" Her face scrunches in agony and it takes every ounce of self restraint not to pull her into my arms once more. "I want to tell you….I just can't. I'm sorry."

She runs from the room. I can hear her footsteps on the stairs.

I am too frozen to move.

The front door slams shut and the sound spurs me into action.

"Bella!" I shout, tearing out of the room, leaping down the stairs.

"Bella, wait!" I rip open the front door but her taillights are already fading from view.

* * *

><p>"What the <em>fuck<em> happened here?"

I hear Emmett shout. It sounds like it's coming from a great distance.

I blink from my stupor.

Pages of ripped sheet music surround me on the floor of the music room. A hazy memory of tearing the room apart filters through the dark abyss I have been sitting in.

I have no notion how long I have been sitting here. My bloodshot eyes scan the room. The only thing that has escaped my wrath is the piano in the middle of the room; even the bench has been overturned.

"Edward!"

I blink several times slowly and look up.

Emmett, Rose, Jasper and Alice hover in the doorway; expressions ranging from horror to pity. I didn't want any of it.

Emmett is the first one to come in. He approaches me cautiously like one would approach a wounded animal. Paper crunches underneath his feet and he squats down beside me. They are all still dressed from the dance.

Now that he is in the room, the others enter too.

I suppose they think it's safe now.

"You look like shit, bro."

I turn to Emmett. He's watching me with concern. From my periphery, I see Rose and Alice picking up the sheet music.

Jasper flanks my other side.

"Edward?" Jasper asks. "Where's Bella?"

"Gone…she's gone." My throat hurts.

Slowly, I try to get up. I must have been sitting longer than I thought. My joints hurt.

I feel like a heart heavy old man.

"What do you _mean_ gone?" Alice's shrill pierces my ears. "What did you _do_ Edward?"

I turn towards Alice and she takes a startled step backwards. I can only imagine what she sees in my face that scares her so.

Rose shoots her a glare then gives me a sympathetic look. "Why don't you tell us what happened?"

"Not here." I say hoarsely moving in slow motion towards the doorway.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to step in this room again.

* * *

><p>In the comfort of my bedroom, I slowly manage to recount the events of the evening; the good, the bad and the ugly, trying to keep my voice as steady and calm as possible. That is until, I get to the point where I yelled at her and she left and my voice broke.<p>

Keep it cool. Keep it together.

You haven't been abandoned.

It sure feels like it though.

Jasper lets out a long whistle when I'm through.

"Wow." He says. "That's some intense shit."

I nod. I can't disagree.

Rose takes out her cell. I can only assume she's trying to call Bella. Part of me wants to tell her not to.

She turns away and speaks into the phone so low I can't hear her…only the plea in her voice.

"She's not picking up." She announces when she turns back to me. She looks upset.

"Something isn't right." Emmett's brow is furrowed.

"Thanks for the 411, Captain Obvious." Alice scathes and her mutinous glare rests on me.

I know what she's thinking.

"Don't even fucking start, Alice."

"Well, if you hadn't have declared yourself, we wouldn't have lost Bella!"

"We didn't _lose_ anyone, alright." Emmett shouts. "Now stop it Alice. This isn't about you. Edward loves her. And if I'm right, she loves him too. She'll come back."

"Well something is definitely going on." Jasper says. "Can I borrow your laptop?" He asks me.

I shrug. "I don't care."

Yet I am perplexed why he would need it.

"What are you doing?" Rosalie asks him.

"Obviously there is something in her past, something she can't talk about but she wants to." He looks up at her and I can see the glow of the screen reflect on him face. "So, I'm Googling her."

"No." Rose says forcefully. "I don't think that's a good idea."

"Relax babe." Emmett tries to soothe her. "It's not like he's going digging through my mother's patient files. It's Google. It's public info."

"And if you find something, then what?"

"We help her." He says proudly.

"You think it's that easy?"

Her voice has a scathing quality that immediately sets me on edge. The hairs on the back of my neck stand at attention and I turn to look at her.

"You know something."

The room is suddenly quiet with the exception of Jasper's typing on the keyboard.

Rose gives me a deer in headlights stare and I am out of my seat in a second.

"What do you know?"

Before I can get any closer, Emmett is there blocking me.

"It's okay, Emmett." Her eyes flicker to his reassuringly before focusing on me again. "I don't know anything really."

"_But_…" Alice stood next to her.

"But." She sighed. "I also promised Bella I wouldn't say anything. I keep my promises."

Before I can beg, the tapping on the keyboard stops and I hear Jasper's sharp intake of breath. His horrified eyes shoot to mine. I don't miss the moisture gathered in his eyes.

Oh fuck. It's bad.

"Her mother's name is Renee, isn't it?" He asks. His face has gone pale.

I nod slowly, afraid to move but sit down next to him anyway.

"Then I think you need to take a look at this."

He puts the computer on my lap and gets up ushering the others out of the room, speaking quietly.

I barely notice their departure as I stare at the screen.

_Woman Found Viciously Slain, Daughter Nearly Stabbed To Death_

_Early Saturday Morning, Phoenix police responded to a 911 call from a neighbor on Purple Cactus Way. Upon entering the two story house, a woman identified as Renee Dwyer was found stabbed to death on the living room floor. Her daughter, Isabella Swan lay across the room, barely alive suffering multiple stab wounds. Doctors a Phoenix Medical Center are unclear as to whether or not, Miss Swan will survive the night. The police are currently asking for the whereabouts of Philip Dwyer, Ms. Dwyer's husband, who is now a person of interest in this case._

The article shows a picture of Bella and her mother.

I keep clicking, page after page, headline after headline.

Sweat drips, pulse races.

_Isabella Swan in coma; Doctors Remain Unhopeful_

_Miss Swan Wakes Up, Identifies Murderer as Her Stepfather Philip Dwyer_

_Police Track Dwyer to Mexican Border; Suspected of Fleeing Country._

My tortured eyes pick out select phrases.

_Blood bath_

_Multiple stab wounds_

_Attempted rape_

My stomach lurches and I run getting to the bathroom just in time to lose the contents of my stomach.

I sink onto my knees, grasping the sides of the toilet, dry heaving and sobbing.

Saliva dangles like a string from my lips.

I don't care.

Bella

My Bella

It's so much worse than I had imagined.

And I had to push it...push her.

And I know now...why she pushed back

Why she ran.

Oh God.

I wanted to run after her and never let her go.

I hear water running in the sink and Emmett is there, easing me back and wiping my face with a washcloth. His face is concentrated on his task and it's like an out of body experience watching him tend to me. His eyes flick to mine and they are blood shot too.

I feel his grip under my arm, hoisting me to a standing position but my feet won't hold me up. Slowly, he walks me into my room and sits me on my bed.

I haven't said a word...I don't think I can.

I just stare unfocused; the images from the words I read already forming in my brain.

Bella lying in a bloody heap on the floor.

In a hospital bed; silent, pale, with machines keeping her alive.

I fist my hands in my hair.

"I'm sorry." Jasper's voice is a hushed whisper. "I shouldn't have looked."

"No." Rosalie chastises from the doorway causing Jasper to glance painfully in her direction. "You shouldn't have. You should all feel ashamed of yourselves."

I wince because I know she is right.

"I've tried calling her again but she won't pick up." Alice said tearfully sitting down on the other side of me and laying her head on my shoulder. "I'm sorry for what I said earlier Edward."

"S'okay Alice." I mumble awkwardly.

I am too shell shocked to do anything else.

"Maybe we should do a drive by her house." Emmett suggests.

I understand his need to act...to do...something...anything.

Looking around the room, I can see we are all emotionally wrecked.

"No." I say hoarsely. "Let it be for now."

"What about calling Mom?" Alice lifts her head and looks at me hopefully.

"And tell her what, exactly?" I scathe. "How we invaded Bella's privacy to satisfy our own needs? No, Allie. Let them have this night. Reality will come soon enough tomorrow."

I feel lost.

The idea of Bella not in our lives...in my life anymore is too agonizing to contemplate.

It's a weight that sits on my chest.

I can barely breathe.

I have to fix this.

"What do I do Rose?" I plead looking at her.

She is the only one here that would know.

Wiping at her eyes, she takes a deep breath of air.

"That depends." She says icily. "Does what you know change the way you feel?"

"If anything, I love her more."

Her face relaxes slightly and I can see she feared that I would have rejected Bella in some way.

Never! The idea was completely abhorrent to me.

"Then what do you want to do?"

There is no hesitation.

"I want to never let her go."

"Then you do just that, Edward." Her voice is steel coated resolve. "You go over there tomorrow and you show her that none of that shit you read tonight changes how you feel. You show her that she is strong and she has nothing to feel ashamed of or guilty about and most of all you show her that you love her."

I can do that.


	24. Chapter 24

A/N – Thanks for all the reviews on the last chapter. They blew me away! Important side note about this chapter: This is what prompted me to write this story in the first place. I had the particular scene in mind (I'm sure you'll be able to guess what it is) and I built the story around it. So technically I had most of this chapter already written before I wrote chapter one. Oh yeah...and you may want to keep that tissue box handy, just in case. I'm looking forward to hearing what you think.

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><p>Bella POV<p>

When I hear him shout my name, I nearly turn back but my legs propel me further….faster.

And I am in my truck, driving as fast as I dared down the darkened stretch of road, my eyes darting constantly to the rearview checking for the headlights of a certain silver Volvo.

But he doesn't follow me.

I can't go home yet. Charlie will wonder why I am back so early. So I drive and keep driving; down the wet road of the Olympic Highway towards where it cuts into the Olympic National Park.

Tears pool and fall, catching on my lips and I can taste the salt.

Edward tasted better.

A broken sob escapes me, then another and another until I am a blubbering mess. Pulling over to the side of the dark mountainous road, I curl my body over the steering wheel and let it out.

I cried for him…for the anguish etched so deeply in his face.

I cried for me…for being so broken.

I cried for us…for what could have been.

What _should_ have been.

I shiver violently.

The heat in the truck is on full blast but I am so cold.

Slowly, I manage somehow to pull myself together and make my way back home. Charlie is half asleep on the couch, the flickering images of the television reflect off the shiny silver beer can dangling in his fingers.

When I remove it, he startles awake and rubs the sleep from his eyes.

"Oh, hey kiddo." He gives me an abashed smile. "I…uh…guess I must've just fallen asleep. Did you have a good time?"

"Yeah." I force a smile. "It was nice."

Charlie looks at me more closely. It feels like an examination. I hold my breath.

"You're eyes are bloodshot."

I fake a yawn. "Just tired I guess."

He nods but doesn't look convinced. "Yeah, me too."

"You should've just went to bed. Aren't you going fishing with Billy tomorrow?"

"Yeah, well…" He shrugs sheepishly. He doesn't say it but I know he was waiting up for me.

"Well, goodnight Dad." I kiss him on the cheek and make my way towards the stairs.

I don't worry about nightmares tonight…not when there will be no sleep.

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><p>"See ya later Bells" Charlie calls up the stairs to let me know he is leaving.<p>

"Bye Dad." I manage to croak out in a voice that doesn't sound like mine.

I wait until I hear the door close and the chambers click on the lock to signal his departure before I roll out of bed.

Checking my phone, I see there is a multitude of calls that I missed after I shut it off; Rose, Alice, Emmett, Jasper…everyone but Edward.

He didn't call once.

I feel a pain so bad in my chest, I nearly double over from the force of it.

This is what you wanted, isn't it?

That's what I try to tell myself anyway.

Under the harsh lighting of the bathroom mirror, I can see the events of last night have taken their toll on my face. My complexion is sallow and waxen, my eyes swollen and red and my hair looks like a rejected birds nest.

After a hot shower, which only succeeds in making me feel marginally better, I absently troll through the kitchen cabinets looking for something to calm the nauseous feeling I have in my stomach.

It isn't long after I had coffee and munched on a few crackers that the doorbell rings breaking the depressing silence.

Without thinking to look through the peephole, I open the door and can't hide the shock on my face.

_Edward._

My eyes wander greedily over his form as he stands casting a shadow in my doorway against the late morning sun. His hands are shoved in his pockets, shoulders slouched and the purple bruising under his eyes tell me he had about as much sleep as I had.

He's _here_.

He _knows_.

The hollow look in his eyes cinched it.

Mutely, I step aside to make room for him to pass by me and into the living room. He nods and enters looking wholly uncomfortable. Closing the door, I stand stiff, immobile and staring at his tense denim covered back.

Hands come out of his pockets and he tugs at his hair. Too swiftly he turns around to face me; his eyes wild and unfocused until they settle directly on me. I see a steep resolve take over as his shoulders square.

"Bella" His voice rasps; scraped over a thousand razor blades.

"How did you find out?" I ask because his knowledge is so obvious.

"We…" He clears his throat and starts again. "When the others came home from the dance, they saw how upset I was…I just had to explain, ya know?" His face flushes red with shame. "We reasoned that something…um… horrible happened so…uh…" His brow furrows and he bows his head. "Jasper Googled you. I'm sorry."

I am horrified that these details of my life are out there for anyone to see but I can't bring myself to be mad at Edward or any of them for searching out the information. On some level, I wanted them to know even if I was terrified of the reaction. I just couldn't bring myself to talk about it.

"Oh." I shrug. "It's…um…okay…I mean…it's good…now that you all know...I mean."

Guiltily, I swallow past the lump in my throat and avert my gaze from his. The lint fragments on the ugly brown carpet suddenly become very interesting.

"Look at me, _please_."

I shake my head, picking at my thumb cuticles.

It 's too painful to look at him...I didn't want to see the pity or the haunted emptiness I lived with daily reflected back at me.

He steps forward but stops when I tense. Pinching the bridge of his nose, he sighs heavily.

Was he sensing the fight or flight response I was projecting?

In two strides he crosses the room and pulls me into the shelter of his arms; his heart pounding thunderously against my ear.

My own takes flight like hundreds of hummingbird wings beating rapidly in my chest. My arms hang limply at my sides, hands clenched, burdened under the weight of my own selfish desires.

His breath comes harshly to my quick, frightened pants; his hands thread in my hair pulling me even closer as if his body could swallow me whole.

He sinks to his knees before my feet, his hands follow, never straying from contact with my body; his arms wrap around my thighs hugging me to him, his cheek presses into my stomach. I gasp at the too intimate gesture, wanting to recoil into myself.

This was so wrong on so many levels. He shouldn't be here …like this…on his knees; a submissive gesture…like I was…important.

A prince bowing to a beggar.

Recalling my ability to move, my hands bring themselves to his head, fisting in a soft sea of bronze and copper, tugging insistently so he would have no choice but to heed my unspoken demand and look up at me.

My eyes meet and drown in a bottomless abyss of liquid green pain.

_I_ did this.

I broke this beautiful boy.

I was a monster.

A stray tear escapes from my eye, landing on his forehead. I watch it make a slow, wet descent into his hairline until it disappears completely.

"Please." I whisper shakily, not knowing what I was pleading for.

He tugs at the bottom border of my shirt then, trying to pull it upwards.

"Show me."

A feral growl.

A demand, not a question.

I knew what he wanted...for me to lay my darkened soul bare before him.

"Don't" I shake my head vigorously. "Don't _do_ this"

"I want..." He swallows thickly and corrects himself. "No…I _need_..."

His face contorts and twists. His eyes fill and brim over

He pulls at my shirt again. I can feel the cool air slide over the exposed portion of my stomach.

Frantic, I grab at his hands, my blunt nails digging into his knuckles hard enough to draw blood.

"I _can't_." My whisper has a desperate edge.

Why couldn't he see that?

"Please" His turn to beg. His hands grip mine, pulling them towards him and smoothing his lips over my cold chapped hands, cradling them at his unshaven cheek.

It would..._I_ would destroy him like I destroyed Renee...like I was systematically destroying Charlie. It was already happening.

Was I too late? Have we gone too deep?

More tears slipped and fell...tangled orbs of salt and water, desire and pain.

Mine...his...ours.

I was angry at him for forcing me to do this.

I was angry at myself for letting him.

I had wanted this, hadn't I? It was why I told him what I did. Could I do no less than show him now?

Would I brand myself a hypocrite on top of everything else?

He must have seen the decision in my face. His hands drop as he sits back on his heels and waits expectantly...watching.

I step back needing some distance from the suffocating closeness. I can feel his hot breath through my shirt and traitorous desire shoots through me.

Selfish, selfish Bella.

It's not good to want things you shouldn't have.

With trembling fingers, I slowly lift up the sleeve on my arm and turn my wrist so he could see what I already knew was there; angry pink puckered slash marks criss-crossed over the soft skin of my forearm.

He remains silent; his breath seething through his teeth, coming fast and hard. His jaw clenches tight. He's fighting not to seal his eyes shut against the ugliness that marks me. I can see the muscles in his face straining but to his credit and my disbelief, he stays quiet, eyes open.

More tears fall.

I reveal the marks on my other arm that nearly match the others; long, brutal scars that may fade but would never truly go away.

His breathing seems to stop altogether as his irises darken and his pupils dilate with unholy fury. My gaze never wavers from his face; searching every nuance, every facet of his expression; looking for the disgust and horror I am so sure I will see.

There is only a raging anger simmering not far below the surface.

His throat works furiously; his adam's apple bobbing up and down like a buoy in the water.

"All of it." Another demand; this time through clenched teeth, his pulse beating visibly at his temple and jaw.

"Isn't this enough?" I cry.

"No." His voice, a harsh and ragged whisper.

"Why are you making me do this?" I keen, yanking my sleeves down. I pivot away from him. My arms wrap around me, trying to hold myself together.

I am so close to falling apart.

"I need to see for myself why you are so hell bent on keeping us apart…I need to see for myself what is so God damn horrible that you think it would make me change how I feel about you!" He shouts in angry frustration.

I had to do this.

I owe him this much after all.

If he walks away it just might break me but at least I would know.

I nod; biting down on my bottom lip and in one quick motion, like peeling off a band aid, I raise my shirt over my head with trembling fingers and let it drop to the floor beside me.

Skin prickling with cold, chest heaving, I turn around slowly and stand there in my bra fighting the urge to cover myself and run. Nausea rolls in my stomach, tying it into knots of anxiety and shame.

Look your fill, my eyes demand silently.

Squeezing my eyes shut, tears trapping in my closed eyelashes, I turn my head unable to witness the revulsion that I am sure would be in his gaze. My whole body shivers; goose bumps appear all over my exposed flesh.

It couldn't all be blamed on the cold.

I hear the unmistakable sharp intake of his breath.

Ahh, there it is.

When would I hear feet running towards the door?

My throat clogs as I try to speak.

"It's okay." I assure him trying to give a reassuring smile but my cheeks are too numb to lift. "You can leave now. I won't be insulted."

I expect it after all.

But damn it, it still hurt.

"Is that what you think I'm going to do? Run? Because of some scars?" He asks, the offense clear in his incredulous tone. "We all have scars." His voice turns soft and soothing. "Some are more visible than others."

Tears slip a path down the side of my nose.

If only it was just about the scars.

"Bella." He breathes, grasping my cold fingers within his warm ones. "I can no more leave you than I can stop my heart from beating. Haven't you realized that by now?" He chokes out a half laugh, half sob.

My arm jerks when I feel his soft lips track kisses along the puckered lines of my arms; attending to each scar as if his mouth could perform miracles and the marks would disappear.

His attentive ministrations continue on my other arm; his mouth so gentle and beautiful; contrasting deeply with the marred skin under his lips.

Barely able to breathe, I dare to open my eyes and watch him. There is no disgust I could detect. But the reverence in his half lidded eyes, the way his unshaven cheek nuzzles where his lips just were, nearly make my knees buckle underneath me.

My stomach quivers when he moves from my arms to my torso, tracing the three healing wounds gently with his fingers. There is nothing sexual in his touch.

"So close." He sobs, clutching my legs resting his head into my stomach. "I came _so_ close to never meeting you...never seeing you smile or the sun glisten red in your hair...so _damn_ close to never being able to feel the way I do when I'm with you….only with _you_…only _ever_ with you."

My mind retraces Charlie's words to me that day we talked of Emily.

_"Bella, the right man won't run from your scars, he'll embrace them because they're part of who you are."_

Was Edward the right man?

Could I let him be?

My fingers wind in his hair again, this time softer, pulling him towards me not away.

"Don't say that. It's not true. You don't even _know_ me." I deny him because I had to...for my sanity...for his salvation.

He looks up at me, his soul shining through his tear glistened eyes.

"It _is_ true." He insists. "And I _do_ know you…better than you think. I _love_ you, Bella."

His hands find my hips and hold me in place as his mouth caresses where Phil had done his worst damage. No inch is left untouched as his soft lips kiss my marred skin, where the deep indents of the knife were still so blatantly visible…and perhaps always would be.

"You _can't._"

He stands up then, cradling my face in his hands, pressing his forehead against my own.

"I _can_." He insists, punctuating his words with a soft kiss to my brow. "and I _do_." His lips press against me once again.

The pads of his thumbs shakily smooth away at the tears that linger on my cheeks.

"I'll _destroy_ you." I whisper speaking my innermost fear out loud. "I fear I already have."

He shakes his head in denial. "There is only one thing that will destroy me, Bella and that is if you deny me...deny _us_…if you walk away…and if I let you. I can't _do_ that. Don't ask me to"

I want to tell him I wasn't worth it but I no longer have the ability to speak. His lips which had so lovingly caressed my scars, now cover my own in a searing kiss.

Heat blossoms and blooms as he gently sucks my bottom lip between his own seeking entrance. My resistance wanes against his tender onslaught.

I let him in.

He sighs in delight before cupping the back of my head, threading his fingers in my hair and plunging forward, his tongue tangling with mine. I could taste peppermint and cinnamon and fire and rain and laughter and love.

But this could never be.

Pushing against his hard chest, I step back when he releases me. I need to put some distance between us.

His hands drop uselessly to his sides as he regards me intently…warily.

Rubbing at my nose with the palm of my hand, I reach down to grab my shirt from the floor, tugging it impatiently over my head.

"You have to go." I tell him sniffling, as I desperately try to push him towards the front door.

His hands come up to encircle my wrists putting resistance in my efforts.

"No."

He is steadfast and I can feel my resistance begin to weaken.

There is an expression on his face somewhere between uncertainty and determination and fear.

Dropping my wrist, he walks with a resolute stride further into the room, settles himself on the worn sofa, his hands fist at his knees and his back is stiff and hunched.

He looks like he's preparing for a blow from some unknown source.

From me?

He looks up.

Green eyes meet mine and he begins to speak.

"My parents…my _real_ parents…died in a car crash when I was four years old. I was with them."

Oh no! Oh, _Edward_.

My heart squeezes for the little boy he used to be.

His expression is so stark, I just want to hold him but I remain still, barely able to breathe.

"The doctors were not sure I was going to live through it, but I did. There was no family that anyone could find so when I was discharged from the hospital, I was taken to an orphanage." His muscular frame trembles slightly. "It's where I first met Esme…and then later Carlisle. You see, I was a patient of hers too once…before she adopted me."

"They had to keep me separate from the other children at night because the screams from my nightmares kept everyone up. I lived the crash over and over again in my mind. I met with Esme once a week when she came to do her volunteer work. And by the Grace of God, she took me into her own home permanently."

"For the longest time, they couldn't go out for themselves and leave me with a sitter. I would have panic attacks; afraid they would never come back and I would be left alone again. It got better when they adopted Alice and then Emmett. I no longer had the attacks. I detached myself instead. I didn't actively seek friends or relationships. I never wanted any of that. It was easier not to feel…easier and empty."

He hangs his head and I am propelled into action. My feet carry me across the floor and suddenly I am gripping the hands that are in his lap. He has the saddest smile on his face that I've ever seen.

"Stop" I beg. "You don't have to do this."

But he continues as if he hadn't heard me.

"Until you." He lifts up my hand and uses it to bring me even closer, holding it against his cheek. I can feel the moisture from his tears in my palm. "I fought so hard." He squeezes his eyes shut. "So hard." He reiterates. "From the very first day you had me hooked and I finally realized I couldn't fight it anymore…I didn't want to."

He opens his eyes again, his gaze reverent and filled with awe.

And it hits me…why he's telling me this. He's exposing himself, risking it all because he has made _me_ do so.

What he's done, it's big..._huge._

I see the burning pain of impending rejection in his eyes.

Here I am trying so hard not to destroy him with my own pain but my constant pushing him away is making his own even worse.

I don't know why he loves me but he does.

I can feel it emanating from him.

I can fight no more.

Resolve makes be brave.

Slowly I lean in and put my lips on his.


	25. Chapter 25

EPOV

Her lips are soft and warm and taste like tears as they move tentatively over mine. I am shocked but ecstatic over her one hundred and eighty degree turnaround but I am fearful as well. I give myself up to the kiss, moving my mouth under hers but letting her take the lead for the moment. The last thing I want to do is scare her off with the intensity of what I'm feeling. Hell, it even scares me.

What if it doesn't last? What if she changes her mind?

What if?

What if?

What if?

I grasp her waist just above her hip to pull her closer while my other hand slowly reaches up and cups the back of her neck, my fingers molding against her scalp.

With a small twist, I have her on my lap, lips never parting. She sighs into my mouth, her body melting like ice cream in July against me and I am home.

This right here…this is what heaven must feel like.

Mentally, I thank every deity that has ever existed for bringing me to this point…_to her_.

I lean back on the sofa carefully bringing her with me. My heart is thumping so loudly in my chest, I wonder if she can feel it pounding against my sternum.

She pulls away first, panting slightly through semi parted lips, resting her head in the crook of my neck; her hair tickling my skin.

"Are you sure about this?" I ask, tucking a strand of hair behind her hair so she cannot hide from me. I am suddenly terrified that this is all going to go away, that she will just disappear into a wisp of vapor and I would be clutching nothing more than a memory.

Her face as she looks up at me marks her confusion.

"About us, I mean?" I clarify, my throat tight.

Her eyes veil in understanding.

"No." She admits with a heavy sigh and a wistful smile. "But I _am_ sure I can't not be with you." Her teeth worry over her bottom lip and she traces the skin revealed at the base of my throat. I shiver at the innocent but sensual contact.

"What made you change your mind?" I ask her. I have to know. She had been so adamantly against this before.

"You." She states simply on the edge of a deep breath. "Are _you_ sure?" Her tone is filled with doubt and her eyes dart nervously up to mine.

"Yes." There is no hesitation and I tilt her head up so I can kiss her again, coaxing her mouth open so I can delve inside and savor. Her movements are as unpracticed as mine. There is no guile in her kisses; only an adorable uncertainty in the way her lips with move with caution beneath mine.

In truth, I understand her fears and admire her honesty even if it makes me whole body clench in denial at her words.

As much as I love kissing her, I know we have to stop soon else I wouldn't be able to stop at all. I was already painfully hard and I pray she remains unaware.

Reluctantly I pull back once more and wind my arms around her holding her as close to me as possible, resting my head on hers.

"Mmmm" She hums as I stroke her hair. "I'm so tired." She admits, her eyes half closed.

"Then sleep Bella." I press a kiss to the top of her head. "I'm not going anywhere."

Wild horses couldn't drag me away.

The rhythm of Bella's breathing becomes soft and even. I could feel the wispy warmth of each breath as they escape through her parted lips…the lips I had just claimed. Her features are completely relaxed and I realize this is the first time I had seen them thus.

Watching her sleep, an inner peace settles over me and I think about how my life completely changed since she ran out of my house last night. Through the darkened hours until the morning, I had plotted and planned what I would say, what I would do but it all fell away the moment I laid eyes on Bella in her doorway, looking just as tired and miserable as I felt.

I absently stroke her arm, cocooning her closer into me. She lets out a soft mewling sound and nestles her head under my chin, her body curling and burrowing into mine.

Mine.

She is _mine_ now.

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><p>I must've fallen asleep too for the next thing I hear is Bella whimpering in her sleep. Her fingers are curled into tightly fisted balls under her chin and the creases in her brow suggest it isn't a pleasant dream.<p>

"No. Please don't"

Her voice sounds so small...so terrified.

Gently, I shake her shoulder and kiss her temple. I can feel her rapid pulse beneath my lips.

"Bella." I whisper in her ear. "It's time to wake up, sweetheart."

The uttered endearment is spoken so automatically, it feels like it has passed over my tongue many times. It just feels so right.

She startles awake, her eyes spring open wide and she has the look of dazed confusion on her face like she is not quite aware of where she really is.

"Edward?"

I smile down at her. "It's me. We're in your living room." I tell her as a reminder.

Blinking, she looks around and her body slowly relaxes.

"I didn't scream, did I?"

She sounds nervous and even a little bit embarrassed.

"No" I shake my head. "But it did sound like you were having a bad dream. Do you want to talk about it."

"I can't" She pushes her hair of her face and sits up, moving off my lap. I feel the lack of the warmth of her body instantly but decide not to push it.

"Sometimes it helps." I prod, reaching for her hand and giving it a squeeze of support.

"I just don't remember." She sweeps her hair back and off her face in frustration. "I only see fragments of images...kind of like I'm looking at something through a broken mirror." She shrugs it off casually but I know it's costing her more anxiety than she is ready to admit to.

"Maybe you're not ready to remember yet." I suggest carefully.

She smiles wistfully. "You sound like your mom."

"She's a smart lady, so thank you."

Watching Bella, here like this, makes me realize how apt Emmett's nickname for her really is.

At first I assumed it was because she was small of stature and her last name was Swan. Now I knew different.

Little Bird, strong yet fragile...wary with fluttering wings ready to fly off at a moment's notice.

Perhaps Emmett is the most perceptive of us all.

At the sound of a key in the door, Bella jumps, uses the remote control to turn on the television and scurries further away, placing her hands in her lap, twisting them together.

"Charlie." She mouths.

I gulp.

Charlie.

Her Dad.

The Police Chief.

Who owns a gun.

Chief Swan is wearing a flannel shirt with a khaki fishing vest carrying a pizza box when he comes full view into the room. He freezes when he sees the both of us sitting on the couch. His brows furrow as he looks at first from me to Bella and back to me again.

"Hey Dad." Bella says trying not to squirm under her father's scrutiny. "We were...uh...just studying."

Oh, she is such a horrible liar.

He father isn't buying it. I can tell. The fact that the coffee table has no school books spread out on it and the TV has some fishing show on does not help her cause.

"Uh, huh." He gives us a suspicious look as he places the pizza box on the old wooden table…probably making sure our clothes weren't out of place and I try not to squirm under his unabashed scrutiny.

Bella opens her mouth but before she can dig herself deeper into the hole I stand up and hold out my hand for him to shake.

He hesitantly takes it and gives it a firm shake, testing my mettle, his eyes never leaving mine.

"Good afternoon sir. I'm Edward Cullen."

His face shows recognition of the name and he smiles…I think.

Either that or he's baring his teeth.

"Nice to meet you there, Edward. How are your folks?"

"Just fine sir…busy as usual."

Could I sound any more like a dork from a fifties sit-com? No, I don't think so.

Just call me Beaver Cleaver.

"I admire the work they do." He said sincerely.

"Thank you, sir. I'll be sure to pass that along."

"What's with the pizza, Dad? I thought you went fishing." Bella interrupts staving off what is a potentially awkward moment of uncomfortable silence.

"Uh…yeah." He grimaces as his face turns slightly pink.. "Someone is fixing up the old Beardsley hunting cabin by my fishing spot…making all sorts of unholy noise and chased the damn fish away."

Bella looks amused as she gets up and pats her Dad on the back.

"Better luck next time."

"You uh…wanna…join us Edward?" Charlie asks and I'm pretty sure he's only offering because I am here and it would be rude not to include me.

I don't care. I'll take it. I am greedy for any time I get to spend with Bella.

Even if her Father is watching like a hawk.

"I'd love to." I respond knowing he would've preferred I turn down his offer. "I just have to call home first."

Excusing myself outside for a moment, I call the house wondering if my parents are back yet and how much trouble I am going to get into for essentially trashing the music room.

"You are in so much trouble, bro." It's Emmett who answers and I can hear the shit eating grin in his voice.

I gulp. "How bad?"

"Emmett, don't fucking tease him!" I hear Rosalie shout in the background. "Ask him about Bella."

"You ass." I seethe into the phone when I realize Em is just yanking my chain.

"Sorry, dude, couldn't help myself." He snickers. " Mom and Dad aren't back yet. They called and said they were doing some shopping or some shit. Jazz painted over the giant scratch you left on the piano bench by the way but I don't think the leg will ever be the same."

"Give me the phone, you oaf."

I hear Rosalie wrench the phone from Emmett.

Sometimes I am amazed out how much they love each other. Was their name calling some type of weird ass foreplay?

"Edward, how's Bella? Is she alright? Is she mad at us? Do you work things out with her?"

Rosalie is making my head spin with her firing of questions.

"Are you taking lessons from Alice?" I ask teasingly because things _did_ work out.

"Hilarious, Cullen. Just answer the damn questions."

Now there's the Rose we all know and love.

"We're fine and I don't think she's mad." At least she hadn't said so. "I'll see if I can persuade her over after dinner and you can see for yourself."

"Dinner?"

"Yes." I don't explain any further. "See you later and tell Jazz thanks for the quick fix."

* * *

><p>Dinner isn't as uncomfortable as I anticipated and in fact Charlie reminds me of Emmett in some ways…just way, way toned down and not as dirty mouthed. He's funny in a dry sort of way and it's very obvious how much he cares for Bella.<p>

It is then I realize that Bella doesn't give Charlie enough credit. She thinks she is destroying him but Charlie is a strong man.

"So Bella tells me you're teaching her how to play piano." Charlie says out of the blue and I nearly choke on the gob of mozzarella cheese in my mouth.

Forks Pizza has nothing on Chicago deep dish.

"Did I say something funny?" He asks.

"Umm, no...and yes, I offered to teach Bella to play." I tell him after I take a long gulp of soda.

I didn't even want to think about last night's emotional fiasco of how Bella left in tears and I went on a rampage. She never did get to play.

"And let's just say I have a long way to go." Bella finishes for me, her eyes twinkling like chocolate colored diamonds.

Oh how I have missed that sparkle.

Charlie gives an amused grunt and grabs for another slice of pizza.

* * *

><p>The passing lights of the street lamps illuminate the bands of cinnamon highlights in her mahogany hair as she sits beside me. I am driving slower than usual wanting to savor every moment of alone time I can get.<p>

Bella has been silently contemplating. What, I have no clue. And frankly it's making me nervous. Every so often I see her teeth catch on her bottom lip and it damn near drives me insane.

I've had vivid fantasies about those lips…that mouth...of what I wanted it to do.

"What are you thinking about?" I ask casting a quick glance in her direction before returning my attention back to the slick rain covered road.

She sighs breathily and I brace myself for her answer.

"So much has changed." She admits. "It doesn't even feel real."

I can't disagree.

The same thoughts of been revolving in my head as well.

"It _is_ real." I have to say it out loud to assure both her and myself.

"I'm scared." She adds and my heart seizes.

Reaching over, I entwine my fingers with hers.

"It's all going to be okay. I promise."

From my periphery, I see her look over at me, her eyes deep pools of sadness.

"It's not me I'm scared for…it's _you_."

"Don't be."

I lift her hand and bring it to my lips, placing a kiss along her knuckles. I'm scared for me too but not in the way that she thinks.

The house is lit up bright and all the cars are in the garage, I notice as we pull up. The chatter I hear as we enter turns hushed as soon as we walk into the house and I take a protective stance in front of Bella as I grasp her hand and lead her up the stairs.

She gives me an amused look.

"Are you trying to protect me from your family?"

I laugh thinking of how fiercely protective my family is of her already.

"Maybe _you_ should be standing in front of _me_."

"Edward , is that you?" My mom calls out as if she didn't know we here.

Slick, Ma, real slick.

"Yeah, Ma." I respond. "Bella's with me." I add for the benefit of the rest of them, who I am sure are waiting impatiently scattered around the house.


	26. Chapter 26

BPOV

If I could back track safely out the front door, I would have but Edward's tight hold on my hand literally securing me to my side prevents me from doing anything but follow him up the stairs.

In my nerves, I stumble a bit on the last stair but Edward quickly catches my elbow and helps me find my balance once more.

"You okay?" He asks and I know he is not just talking about my near tumble.

I really want to tell him, no. I am not okay. I feel exposed and betrayed and the butterflies raging in my stomach are making me feel nauseous. But I don't say any of those things.

I just nod.

My throat is too closed up by nerves to speak.

He doesn't look convinced at all; not the way his brows furrow or the look of worry in his eyes. My own eyes plead with him to let it go.

Thankfully he does.

We greet Esme and Carlisle in the kitchen first. Their faces show a happy surprise at my presence and it's obvious they are unaware of the events that transpired over the last day. I make a mental note to speak with Esme about it at our next session. I still feel so conflicted.

Both of them look at our joined hands and Esme sends a questioning glance Edward's way and he tightens his hold on my hand and nods.

There is no censure in her physical response. In fact, she looks pleased. They both do.

"Bella!" Alice comes barreling towards me and I take a few steps back. She must realize my reluctance and stops a few feet from me, her arms falling back to her sides; uncertain whether or not I would welcome an embrace. "We were so worried about you." She whispers to me.

"I'm fine." I tell her and she frowns in disbelief before looking at Edward for confirmation. I feel guilty for feeling angry at her…at all of them actually for their invasion of my privacy.

Edward had told me that Rose was pretty pissed at all of them too.

I can totally picture that and I smile briefly at the mental image I conjure in my head.

"Let's go say hi to everyone first then we can go to my room of you want." Edward says to me, ignoring her silent question.

Alice huffs but follows us to the den where everyone else is sprawled watching a movie on the biggest television screen I have ever seen on my life. Once again I am struck by how out of place I am here.

I wonder if Rose and Jasper ever felt that way or if perhaps they still do.

The surround sound system is loud and the room vibrates in time with the explosions in the movie.

All heads turn in my direction and I feel myself cowering under the weight of their speculative stares. Does anyone else feel as awkward as I?

Jasper looks at me like a deer caught in headlights, the color of shame tainting his face.

I can't tell if Rose wants to cry or yell but the effect on me is about the same.

Emmett does a double take when he sees me from the corner of his eye and pulls a thousand watt smile, stopping the movie.

"Hey, Little Bird." He greets me as he always does and I can breathe, feeling a sense of normalcy come back to me. He is the only one that doesn't make me feel like I am the sole entertainment in a carnival side show; all waiting for me to break down at the slightest provocation.

"What are you watching?" I inquire trying to push things back to a normal state.

"Ironman 2" He states proudly. "It's a classic."

"Oh please." Rose rolls her eyes. "It's not old enough to be called a "classic"." She states, make air quotations with her fingers.

Just like that everything is back on its axis again.

For now.

Emmett turns the movie again and Edward and I find a corner spot on one of the sofa's in the dimly lit room. He snuggles me into his side and peppers kisses on the top of my head all the while stroking my arm, my leg, under my ear. His hands are greedy but restrained and neither of us concentrate on the movie.

I am undoubtedly aroused and getting more heated by the minute.

We are in our own private bubble, ignoring what is around us for the time being.

The time of reckoning comes when Esme and Carlisle say good night and announce their intentions for bed, leaving the rest of us alone as they climb up the second flight of stairs.

As the credits start to roll and the final music track starts to play on screen, Emmett lowers the volume, Alice turns on a lamp removing the intimate glow coming from the television and the bubble bursts.

I can't help but feel like I have been ambushed.

Edward rubs soothing circles on my arm but his muscles are tense.

I look unblinkingly around the room. I was never one for confrontation but this particular time I feel, I have to start the conversation.

Jasper beate me to it.

"I'm sorry." Jasper's quiet, remorseful voice pierces the air before I can even form a coherent thought. He untangles himself from Alice and walks in my direction, squatting directly in front of me. "It was wrong of me to go delving in your past the way I did. Edward was upset and I…well I guess I just didn't think." He ends his words with the self-deprecating smirk that has become endearing to me.

Edward squeezes my hand in support and I give him a grateful look.

"It's okay Jasper." I tell him sincerely.

"You're not mad?" His voice is incredulous and awed as he stands up, raking his fingers through his unruly mane of hair.

"What good would it do?" I shrug. "You did it for Edward. You had no idea what you would find. In a way I am relieved…I don't have to tell you myself."

"You were going to tell us?" Alice asks disbelieving.

"Eventually…maybe." My thoughts are still unclear on that point. "I don't know. I didn't want you to feel or act differently around me or treat me differently. I just wanted to be plain old Bella, ya know? I don't want that to change."

"Let's get something straight," Edward nearly growls in my ear. "You are not nor have you ever been 'plain old Bella'."

* * *

><p>After Edward took me home and gave me a kiss goodnight outside my front door, I lay in my bed, staring at the dancing shadows from the tree outside my window. A huge weight has been lifted off my chest and I am left bereft, unknowing how to deal with it.<p>

It had been there for so long.

Could I actually have found some semblance of peace and stability?

Do I dare question how long it will last?

These and other thoughts plague my mind as I fall into a fitful sleep.

I head off to work at Newton's by noon after some relay of text messages back and forth from Edward. I still have a smile on my face as I greet Mike and his mother.

The early part of the afternoon moves slowly with Mike barraging me with questions about my weekend so far. Honestly, it annoys me. I know he went to the dance with Jessica (a fact she couldn't help but squeal to me about on the day he asked her). Shouldn't he be talking about her instead of interrogating me on what I had been doing?

"So how was the dance?" I ask him finally when I lose all patience. "You went with Jessica, right?"

"Oh. Yeah." He blinks in surprise at the question and gives a noncommittal shrug. "It was okay, I guess."

When it became obvious her wasn't going to say anything I else about it, I take the opportunity to leave the register and neaten up some shelves in one of the sporting goods aisles. The bell above the door rings signifying a new customer. I can hear the rumbling of Mike's voice greeting the newcomer and the low pitch mumbling that answers him.

I finish straightening out the row of fishing poles and scurry back up to the counter in case I am needed to ring up a sale. I notice the figure in front of me too late and bump right into a hard chest. I feel arms reach out to steady me.

I am completely and utterly mortified.

"Sorry."

I can tell my face is red judging by the heat I feel coming off my cheeks.

Looking up, I see a man, the top of his face partially shadowed by a white baseball cap with a large maroon letter "S" on it. He has blonde hair pulled back in a ponytail and he partially smirking at me.

"Are you okay?" He asks letting my arms go.

"Yeah, fine." I nod. "Sorry again."

"I never mind when a pretty girl bumps into me." He peers at my name tag. "Bella." He smiles fully.

His words make me uncomfortable but I ignore the tense feeling in my stomach. He's probably just trying to be friendly and put me at ease. Not everyone is a threat, Bella.

With a wink, he walks past me and I head back to my destination.

Mike is brimming with excitement, nearly bouncing off the walls as he stares after the man I nearly ran over.

"Do you know who that is?" He whispers conspiratorially at me.

"No." I give my head a shake. "Should I?"

"That's Coach Chase from the Simi Valley Pioneers. He's our new baseball coach…you know the one that's going to help me get my baseball scholarship."

The way Mike talks about him made him seem like some sort of God.

"Really? That's great, Mike." I try to sound enthusiastic.

"Do me a favor. Whatever he gets, give him the 20% friends and family discount. I'll tell my mom, I gave you the okay."

"Sure." I shrug.

I see his face clearer now when he comes up to the counter with his cart filled with items suggesting he is renovating or remodeling wherever he moved into. He takes of his hat briefly and scratches the top of his before putting it back on. There is something about the set of his jaw and his piercing blue eyes that resonates a familiarity in me but I cast it off. It is doubtful I know him.

Throughout the rest of the day, the store gets it's share of local customers but not many. From what I am led to understand, it picks up at the start of tourist season when out of towners come in the area. It is hard for me to imagine that Forks has a tourist season at all but apparently the National Park is a big draw for outdoorsy camping and rafting types.

It's 4:30.

I'm clockwatching and I know it.

I am antsy to leave but the store doesn't close until 5.

I have a dilapidated old copy of Wuthering Heights with me at the counter and I've been sneaking reading pages here and there in between customers. Engrossed in the pages, I startle when my cell phone vibrates in my pocket alerting me I have a text.

Edward.

_Did you know you have a total of nine freckles dotted over your nose?_

A bark of laughter erupted out of me.

With a goofy grin, I texted back.

_You've counted my freckles?_

_Yup. When you fell asleep on me yesterday._

_Sorry you got so bored you had to count my freckles to amuse yourself._

_Fascinated. Not bored. After all it's part of a boyfriend's duty to know how many freckles his girlfriend has._

Girlfriend? Is that what I am? His girlfriend? I didn't know we had put a title on anything yet and it feels…I don't know how to describe it.

A rush of breathlessness goes all the way down to my stomach and I am left gasping for a response.

I think to myself, testing the feel of the word on my suddenly thick tongue. Boyfriend? Is that what he is…what he wants to be?

The phone vibrates in my hand and I look down.

_Bella? R U still there?_

_I'm here_, I type for lack of anything else to say after that bombshell. It's a landmine I don't think I can navigate through right now and certainly not via text.

_What's wrong?_

I bite my bottom lip, my fingers hovering over the letters on my touch pad.

_Nothing. Mike's calling me. We're getting ready to close._

He isn't really but I needed some time to process this information. The label of girlfriend scares me. They come with obligations and expectations and I am not sure I am ready for that.

_Oh. Call u later then, ok?_

_Sure_

I shut my phone and breathe knowing we have not finished this conversation yet.


	27. Chapter 27

Edward POV

Barring any unforeseen hospital emergencies that Dad had to contend with, Sunday was proclaimed Family Day by my mom. It had been that way for years as she had stated that because of all of our hectic schedules, she wanted one day of the week to reconnect as a family.

Most of the time, Mom made a big brunch but other times, she would find these quaint little places outside of Forks where we would go. If we stayed in, we usually watched movies, played board games or just talked. If we went out, we went exploring; hiking when the weather was compatible or shopping, which Alice preferred above all else. Sometimes Jazz and Rose would join us but most times they either had to work at their prospective jobs or needed their own family time.

Since their mom was trying so hard to correct her past mistakes, they felt they owed it to her to forgive and move forward and that meant being there for her and each other.

This morning as I roll over in my bed and face the yet again dreary, cloud covered day, I smell pancakes and coffee.

Brunch in.

I untangle myself from the sheets that seem to trap me like a spider web and grab my cell to check for any messages.

I was hopeful when I left Bella's last night but now in the light of a new day, my insecurities rail at me once again and I am not so sure.

No new voice mails.

No Messages.

Okay, so she hasn't tried to call. That doesn't mean she reconsidered.

I type out a quick text, just to say good morning and hold my breath as I wait for a response.

_Good Morning 2 u 2_

I can breathe again.

* * *

><p>Mom's brunch doesn't disappoint. Pancakes, bacon, eggs and fresh fruit don the dining room table. Emmett, of course, digs in with his usual gusto and I enviously watch Alice spoon fresh strawberries over her pancakes.<p>

The sweet scent that wafts over to me is ever a reminder of Bella.

While I can't have the strawberries, I can have her.

She is mine now.

"So, I was hoping, Edward, since you have been playing again, perhaps you will grace us with an impromptu concerto later?" Mom asks.

Emmett chokes on his orange juice.

Alice's fork drops from her hand resulting in a clang that resonates around the room.

I flush, the slice of bacon in I am holding freezes halfway to my mouth.

Mom's words are a brutal reminder of what took place while she and dad went away. Alice and Emmett both look at me uncomfortably while Mom and Dad both look at each other, expressions marred with confusion.

"Okay." Mom puts down her fork and eyes us all suspiciously. "Would someone like to tell me what's going on?"

She says it in her best "you better tell me the truth or there will be consequences" voice and all of us, even Dad, squirms.

Gulping, I place my bacon back on the plate not entirely certain of what to say.

"There was a bit of drama when you went away." I start and subsequently hesitate. "It's just…I may have…the piano is okay…" I rush to assure them even though I haven't really explained anything.

"Why wouldn't the piano be okay, Edward?" Dad asks sternly.

I see mom's eyes darken in understanding. She knew what I had planned…what I was going to do.

"But I thought...you were holding hands?" Mom sounded confused as she jumped to the heart of the matter and I couldn't blame her.

Pressing my fingers against the bridge of my nose, I bow my head and launch into the explanation. The words come out like verbal diarrhea…a mental purging of my guilt and shame over digging into Bella's past, glossing over what transpired at Bella's house and how we came to be holding hands last night. They didn't need to know those intimate details and I had no desire to share them. That belonged to Bella and I, alone.

"Oh, Edward." Mom said. "I don't know what to say. Obviously Bella forgave you but what you did…what you _all_ did…" She cast a disappointed glare in Emmett's and Alice's direction.

"We were only trying to help Edward." Alice said quietly.

"And that was noble of you." Dad interrupted her. "But it doesn't make what you did any less reprehensible."

"She said she wasn't mad." Emmett spoke up.

"No, she wouldn't have." Mom shook her head sadly. "That's just not who Bella is."

That made me think. Could Bella be harboring anger and just not say anything? Of course, she would. Mom is right. Bella isn't that type. She defends everyone but herself…seeks others happiness before her own.

I feel the pressing need to speak with her.

Right now.

I need to assure myself that she's okay…that we're okay.

But she's at work.

Damn it.

* * *

><p><em>Did you know you have a total of nine freckles dotted over your nose?<em>

I send the text because my patience has run out and although she is still at work, I have to communicate with her somehow. The mood after brunch was strained at best but I managed speak with mom alone and it made me feel marginally better. She was still disappointed but understood my need to get to the truth. I had just went about it the wrong way. But I had already known that. Even if Jasper had been the one to look it up, I could have refused to look at it and wait for Bella to tell me herself.

She did concede that going over to see her the next morning, opening up about my own past was the best thing I could've done under the circumstances.

And she truly was happy for me but reminded me that things could've gone so differently had Bella not been able to push through her own fears and face how she felt for me.

_You've counted my freckles?_

I chuckle at her response and quickly text back.

_Yup. When you fell asleep on me yesterday._

_Sorry you got so bored you had to count my freckles to amuse yourself._

How she still has no idea of the profound effect she has on me amazes me. Doesn't she realize that even when she is performing the most mundane activities, it intrigues me?

_Fascinated. Not bored. After all it's part of a boyfriend's duty to know how many freckles his girlfriend has._

There, I did it. I used the terms boyfriend and girlfriend and applied them to us.

She's not responding.

Why isn't she responding?

Fuck.

Have I scared her off?

Did I push too much?

Did I assume too much?

My fingers tremble as I text her again.

_Bella? R U still there?_

_I'm here_

I let out a breath but I have a nagging feeling something is off.

_What's wrong?_

_Nothing. Mike's calling me. We're getting ready to close._

She is lying. I know it.

I pretend I don't.

_Oh. Call u later then, ok?_

_Sure_

* * *

><p>"Dude, you're fucking mood swings are messing with my chi." Emmett chides as he walks into my room and sits at the end of my bed.<p>

I'm trying to do my homework for Monday but I can't seem to focus. Ever since my texts with Bella, my disheartened mood had been palpable. It was no surprise that Emmett picked up on it.

I sigh, pulling at my hair.

"You still bummed over what mom said?"

"I wish it were that. Bella and I were texting earlier..."

Emmett raises an eyebrow and smirks.

"_Texting_, you ass...with a 'T'...not sexting." I slap him on the arm. "Anyway, I kind of typed something and she was quiet after that."

"I hate to break it to you Eddo but it's _texting_...the whole damn conversation is quiet."

I throw my hands up in frustration. "Why do I even bother?" I say as I look up at the ceiling.

He holds his palm up in surrender. and straightens his grin to a more serious expression. "All kidding aside...what happened?"

"I called her my girlfriend...you know it just came out...we never discussed it...I just..." I shake my head in confusion. "I don't know she was kind of weird after that."

"See that's where you made your mistake Eddie boy. You threw it out there like '_Surprise!_'. First lesson...chics like to be asked that shit...you know all romantic like. You just assumed...and with Bella and her history...I hate to say it but it probably scared her."

"Fuck! That's what I was afraid of. I need to fix this."

"You will."

"You sound so sure."

Emmett's face grew somber for a moment as he stared off in the distance.

"I am. You know I am not exactly inexperienced...and I don't mean that way...so just check yourself before you belt me again." He looked over at me grimly. "You know with Rose, I faced a lot of the same things you're going through now. Even though what happened to her happened a few years before we met, she was very scared...although she wore this bitchy shield to cover it up."

"I remember." I whispered. "You wore her down though."

"Yeah...eventually. She knew that I heard the rumors and thought I was just trying to get in her pants because of it. So in order to prove I was sincere, I treated her like a lady. Dad gave me a lot of good pointers as a matter of fact."

"You inundated her with flowers and chocolate and some really bad poetry, Em." I remind him.

"Okay" He shrugs. "So I may have gone a _little_ overboard but the point is, I showed her respect, I asked her permission, I showed her that I valued her. Most of all I was honest with her and it didn't take her long to begin to trust me once she realized I really was sincere. It didn't hurt of course, that she found me incredibly hot and completely irresistible."

I laugh. Trust Emmett to make jokes while he was being serious.

"But seriously Eddo, you have an advantage that I didn't have."

"Oh yeah?" I say dubiously. "What's that?"

He shakes his head and chuckles. "She loves you, man…despite all the shit she' s been through…she loves you. Now you just have to navigate the waters."

Yeah, and hope I don't drown.

* * *

><p>My head is swimming with Em's advice as I pick up the phone to call Bella. It's seven, so she should be done with dinner and it's early enough where she's not in bed yet. This is a conversation I really want to have in person but I can't wait until tomorrow at school.<p>

In fact, I can't wait another fucking second.

She picks up on the third ring, her voice a breathy 'hello'. My world rights on it's axis again upon hearing her voice.

"How was work?" I ask the mundane first.

"Long…boring." In my mind's eye, I can see her face scrunch delicately. "How was your day?"

"Long…boring." I say mimicking her.

I am met with a chuckle.

"At least you didn't have to deal with Mike Newton."

I tense. "Want me to beat him up for ya?" I am only partially kidding.

She sighs. "Nah…he's annoying but he's harmless."

There is a pregnant pause in our conversation as I work myself up to the heart of the matter.

Honesty.

I repeat the word in my head like a litany.

"So…I…uh…noticed you kind of got a little distant after I mentioned the whole boyfriend girlfriend thing."

I hear a sharp intake of breath and I close my eyes…waiting.

"You noticed that, huh?"

I force a laugh. "I notice everything about you." I say in all seriousness.

"You just surprised me, that's all."

I can hear the uncertainty in her voice and I wish I was there with her…looking at her…able to read her facial expressions.

"Are you sure? I mean, I know I kind of sprung it on you but I really thought…"

"Edward, stop." She says in a quiet demand. "It _did_ kind of freak me out a bit. I know how you feel and how I feel…it's just that a label like that…there are expectations…obligations…and I'm afraid I won't be able to give you what you want. Afraid I can't be what you need."

Damn it. I should've known. I want to bang my head against the wall for being so stupid.

"I already have what I want if I have you. You are what I need. The rest will just happen naturally. Don't forget, Bella, I'm new to this too."

There is a hesitation on the other end of the line and she sighs. "Of course…you're right. Edward, I do want this…whatever _this_ is…just, please…be patient with me and let me know if it's too much for you to deal with. I won't be upset, I promise."

I close my eyes and sigh. She is still so unsure of herself and my feelings.

"I'm not going anywhere. Bella, I know I didn't ask before but I'm asking you now…will you…" I swallow past the lump in my throat. "…will you be my girl?"

She hesitates only briefly.

"Yes….yes, Edward. I'll be your girl."

* * *

><p>The world as we knew it could be ending and the four horsemen of the apocalypse could be banging mercilessly at my door.<p>

I could care less.

I am fucking happy.

This morning I am going to surprise my girl and drive her to school.

_My_ girl.

Since I got off the phone with Bella, that's all I was able to think about.

She said she would me my girl.

"Emmett, you're a fucking genius" I tell him as he is downing half the carton of milk right from the container. "I could fucking kiss you right now."

His eyes go wide and he lurches forward, choking. Milk bubbles past his lips to dribble on his chin.

"In fact, I think I will."

I launch at him, planting a wet one on his cheek and laugh as he makes a disgusted look and swipes at his cheek.

"Ugh! Dude, what the _fuck_ is wrong with you?"

I can hear Alice's tinkling laughter in the background as she has witnessed the whole thing.

"Oh my!" She says through giggles. "What would Bella and Rose say?"

"Not a word to anyone, Pix." Emmett warns. "I got a rep to uphold."

"You were right Em." I explain my burst of exuberance. "I asked her instead of telling her. And she said yes."

"_That's_ what this is about?." He shakes his head. "Remind never to give you advice about marriage proposals, God knows what you're likely to do then."

"Said yes to what?" Alice asks.

"I asked Bella to be my girl."

She rolls her eyes skyward and I could swear I hear her utter "Men" under her breath.


	28. Chapter 28

BPOV

This morning the butterflies are pinging off the walls of my stomach like baristas that have drunk all their profits. Of course, my morning coffee doesn't help. It's not an entirely bad feeling. These jitters have nothing to do with anything bad.

Today will be the first day I see Edward after he's asked me to be his girl.

_His_ girl.

Would he hold my hand in the hallway?

Kiss my lips before class?

Rub my thigh in biology?

Stare at me over sonnets in English?

Would our relationship status be noticed, magnified and studied under the social microscope?

I can barely contain the rampant ramblings in my mind as I throw on my coat and grab the keys to my truck.

I am so nervous, I stumble out the door. My keys drop out of my hand. I wince at the sound they make hitting the concrete of the stairs.

"Shit" I mutter under my breath.

I hear a small chuckle and my head shoots up; eyes widening by the millisecond because I can't believe what I am seeing.

Edward.

Parked in front of my house, leaning casually on the door of his Volvo, hands in his pockets, reminding me of the cute guy in "Sixteen Candles" at the end of the movie when Molly Ringwald runs out of the church and the leaving cars reveal her crush of the movie leaning against his Porsche waiting for her.

"Is this okay?" Edward asks uncertain. "Driving you to school?"

At his words, I come out of my initial shock of seeing him there.

I think for a moment.

Shit! I have to work after school. Do I have time for him to take me back home so I can get my truck and drive to Newton's?

"Bella?" He prompts me.

"Oh…sorry. I was just thinking. I have to um…work after school…and if I have enough…"

"I'll take you to work." He interrupts more confidently.

"But I have to get home too."

"I'll do that too."

"But…I can't ask…

"You didn't." He smiles and opens the car door for me. "Now get in before you freeze."

* * *

><p>We are neither early nor late but arrive with the throng of other students all vying for a parking spot in the student lot. Other than when the final bell rings, this is when the lot is at it's most crowded. Edward pulls easily into the spot next to his brother's jeep and hops out signaling for me to wait as he walks over to my side of the car.<p>

I can't but notice there is a new swagger to his step; an air of something that had been missing before. If possible, it makes him even more…well…just _more._

Opening my door, he takes my hand and helps me out only to lean me against his car and press his lips to mine in a soft kiss.

When he pulls back, I see the most serene smile on his face that my breath catches in my throat.

"C'mon, lets go." He grins.

The beaming grin never leaves his face as we make the walk hand in hand to the entrance.

"You're really enjoying this, aren't you?" I remark.

"Immensely." He responds tightening his grip on my hand.

Stares.

Gawks.

Lots of them.

Follow in our wake.

Mouths agape.

A few exclamations of 'holy shit' and "oh my God"

There are a few 'I knew it's' as well.

It's surreal.

I'm not under a microscope.

I am a walking, talking full length movie on a forty foot screen.

Quick, grab the popcorn.

This was far worse than I imagined.

I glance up at Edward. He is still smiling.

His stride is still confident.

I realize suddenly.

He expected this.

He _wanted_ this.

He's claiming me as "his"

His Girl.

And as much as I should, I can't bring myself to be mad.

Because maybe I'm a little possessive too.

He's my guy...my boyfriend.

He could have anyone he wants.

And he wants me.

And God help me, I want him just as much.

You do have him, a voice inside my head reminds me.

Yes, but how long can I hold him?

* * *

><p>"Oh my God, Bella. Tell me <em>everything<em>!" Angela is gushing at me in trig.

The whole school is aware by now and the inevitable questions ensue. I don't mind Angela's, however. She only asks because she is genuinely happy for me

"Well...while everyone was at the dance, I went over to Edward's. He was going to show me how to play piano. And things just sort of happened from there."

I skip over the drama and tell her the partial truth.

"Wow! I mean I _always_ knew." She admits. "The chemistry between you…well let's just say it got me hot and bothered."

I blush at her words.

Was it really that obvious?

"So how was the dance? You and Ben went right?" I ask her to take the topic of conversation off me.

I picked the right subject.

Until the teacher walked in, I heard all about her and Bens' date, how Jessica Stanley was all over Mike Newton like a wet blanket, how Lauren Mallory went and was pretty much ignored…even by her own date who was a college freshman her parents set her up with since no one here would ask her out.

* * *

><p>"Hey beautiful"<p>

Edward is waiting for me after class and every class thereafter.

Taking my hand.

Locking my fingers with his.

Dropping a kiss on my lips.

Walking me to my next class.

He says he's not experienced with dating but he acts like he was born for this.

In the meantime, I am flailing for balance.

It's like he consumes every part of me; a hidden fire made of thousands of licking flames warm my insides when he is near.

And when he isn't, I am left cold, empty and wanting.

Is love supposed to be like this…so mercurial and absorbing?

I can't say.

"Are you sure you've never been in a relationship before?" I ask him as he walks me to gym.

"Why?" He looks down at me. His eyes are laughing.

"Because you're too good at it." I grumble. "And I'm…"

"Perfect." He says cutting me off with a quick kiss.

* * *

><p>As the days pass, so does the interest in Edward and I, for the most part. Though I notice, he is no longer avoided but sought out by other girls.<p>

"It's because he has the _unavailable_ vibe." Rose explains one day when some girl stops him in the hallway with an obvious bat of her eyelashes. "Girls can't resist a challenge like that. Especially when he hasn't shown any interest at all in anyone until you came here."

"I never saw it as I challenge." I grumble as I watch the girl place her hand on Edward's arm. He deftly avoids her touch but I still seethe.

"That's because you're you." She shrugs.

"Gee thanks for clearing that up."

She laughs. "Bella, you have nothing to worry about. Edward is so in love with you he might as well be wearing a neon sign."

But I do worry…a lot.

"He worries too, you know." Rose says quietly as if sensing where my thoughts have gone.

This shocks me.

"He does?"

Before she can continue though, Edward is there, wrapping his arm around my shoulders, kissing me.

* * *

><p>I feel like my sessions with Esme are more productive. I am opening up more about my life, how I grew up but I have yet to talk about <em>him<em>. We discuss Edward too. At first, I try to skirt around it.

She is his mother after all.

But she reminds me again that in the space of her office, she is my therapist, not Edward's mother. She wants to know how I feel about her son reading about my past without my permission. It's a hard conversation to have but I do it; admitting to her everything that happened over those two torturous days.

She has tears in her eyes when I finish and hugs me to her.

In that moment, she is not my therapist or Edward's mother…she is my friend.

* * *

><p>"Bella, I think we need to address the fact that you are angry with your mother."<p>

"Don't be ridiculous." I bluster back, appalled. Shame reddens my features. "Oh Esme, I am so sorry."

She doesn't even blink but she smiles. "That's quite alright. It was exactly the type of reaction I was expecting."

"You were?" I sit up straighter.

She nods.

"You defend her admirably. You take care of her still...even if it's only her memory. It is something you've always done. Am I right?"

"She needed me to take care of her." I whisper.

"She uprooted you whenever the mood struck, giving no consideration for your need for stability." Esme's voice is becoming harsher and I more confused.

I wince. "Yes."

"You spent half your life protecting her, taking care of her, making sure bills were paid and food was on the table."

"Yes."

"And when _he_ came along?"

"He did everything." I admit quietly.

"He took your place. _He_ came into _your_ lives and you knew he was bad. Renee wouldn't listen to you though when you told her. She believed him over you."

"Yes." I seethed.

My anger was palpable now…a black serpent twisting my insides into a tangles mass.

Tears of rage spill and I feel like I am choking from the inside out.

"And all those years, who took care of you?"

"Me." I say without hesitation because it's the truth.

"How did that make you feel?"

The question urges to me purge…to get out the maelstrom of emotion swirling inside of me. It's begging to be released and I let it go.

"Like I didn't matter, okay?" I shout, standing. "She changed _for_ _him_…became some Renee version of a doting, responsible wife _for him_ but she wouldn't change _for me_…her own daughter."

I am sobbing violently and Esme's maternal arms surround me, grabbing me tight, rock me back and forth like a child. I feel her own tears drop on my hair.

"I am so proud of you Bella. This was quite a break through."

Then why do I feel like I'm breaking apart.

I am in no state to drive home.

She calls Edward to come and pick me up.

My tears have dried but the tracks are visible.

Edward says nothing when he arrives; but gives his mother a glare before wrapping his arms around me.

I want to tell him not to be mad at her but I can't speak.

* * *

><p>We're in Edward's room.<p>

On his bed of gray and black sheets and pillowcases with candles burning in antique brass holders on his desk; their shadows dancing on the wall.

I watch them fray to and fro, my body becoming languid under the seduction of the orange flames.

His hot breath pulses a tattoo against my temple.

My sleeves are rolled up and his fingers trace the skin on my bare arm.

He doesn't flinch nor hesitate as they caress over the angry, puckered flesh.

I wonder if he realizes how his unrestrained touch affects me…how it is healing me.

It's a school night. I should be home but I can't make myself go just yet.

So, here were are.

In his room listening to classical music and staring at candle flames.

He is silent.

Patient.

Waiting.

I am silent.

Reflective.

Contemplating.

Realizations have been made and I am falling off my axis, plummeting into a darkened abyss.

I hear Esme's words in my head.

_"Who takes care of you?"_

Edward.

In this moment, it is Edward.

And I let him.

And it feels wonderful and good and scary as hell.

"Are you hungry?" He asks. His voice is husky gravel and I don't mind at all that he's broken the silence.

"No." I shake my head. "Are you?" I ask realizing he might be.

"I already ate." He answers.

He twists a lock of my hair around his fingers, places it behind my ear and trails his finger down my jaw.

"Talk to me, please." He begs.

"Not yet." I say. "But I will."

"Promise?"

"I Promise."

* * *

><p>It takes a few days before I am able to fulfill my promise to Edward but I am glad that I waited. I have examined what Esme had termed as a breakthrough and can see it more clearly without the overwhelming emotions clouding my view. I feel lighter…stronger with my admission.<p>

He holds me tight fearing I will break down again but I fear he is closer to it than I am. Burying his face in the crook of my neck, he trembles as I soothe the tufts of hair at the base of his neck.

"I'm sorry." I whisper gently. "Please don't be sad."

Pulling back slightly, I watch as his features turn to horror and he cups my face, his lips on mine, speaking.

"No baby, no. Please stop apologizing."

"But…"

He kisses me to quiet my protests.

"Shh. It's okay. I wanted to know. I made you promise to tell me. And you did. And I can't tell you how much that means to me. I'm so proud of you Bella."

"Even if it hurts you?"

"Bella, please. You have this penchant for feeling responsible for every else's feelings…you're not…okay? I love you. Your pain is my pain. Wouldn't you feel the same if things were the other way around?"

"Of course I…"

"Then why should it be any different for me?"

It's an epiphany of sorts for me. A light bulb suddenly springing to life where there was only darkness. Why didn't I see it before?

Maybe I just didn't allow myself to. I'd always expected more from myself than from others...perhaps this was an extension of that.

"Oh."

Edward's features relax and he smiles.

"Oh." He repeats. "Do you get it now?"

I think maybe I do.


	29. Chapter 29

A/N - Good news. I am now accepted anonymous reviews so if any of you tried to review and couldn't, please try again. Thank you for your awesome reviews and support.

* * *

><p>EPOV<p>

Baseball tryouts start this afternoon and the whole school can talk of nothing else because of the new coach. They are hoping he can pull a miracle out of his ass and restore the team back to it's...nah, come to think of it, I don't think the Forks baseball team had any former glory.

Emmett has been on my ass all week to try out with him but I refuse every time. Sure I like baseball, what teenage boy doesn't (living in Washington doesn't make me a Mariners fan though) I just don't like it enough to take time away from my girl and I certainly don't like the Forks High student body enough to play for them.

Bella wants to go to watch the tryouts like everyone else but she is worried it will be a trigger for her.

I admit to myself that I worry for her too.

Her mother used to drag her to Phil's games when he coached. It was something he expected and something he demanded...the portrayal of a perfect family, she had told me as her face twisted in derision.

It is the first time she has spoken about him of her own volition without sending her into a full blown panic attack. I don't even think she realizes it and I want to tell her how proud I am that she's done that but I bite my tongue. If I call attention to it, it may send her back into her shell again. She has just begun to blossom and I am like a bee drawn to her sweet nectar..then again I had been since I met her.

I tell her it's okay to not go...that we can just hear about it later.

But my stubborn girl is insistent on going. She says she is testing herself but I know most of her steely determination comes from not wanting to disappoint Emmett. He doesn't say it in as many words but he wants all of us there to support him.

Even if he is dead sure, he'll make the team.

Cocky bastard.

Bella had been the first one to pick up on it.

He has no idea what this may cost her. She has begged my silence on the matter and I cannot refuse her. I am forced to bite my tongue on this matter too.

"I need to try this Edward." She looks at me with pleading eyes that could drown me and save me at the same time. "I can't let this irrational fear rule my life."

"It's not irrational, baby." I soothe her hair from her face and nuzzle her ear just the way she likes. I feel her shiver in delight under my touch and I nearly hum in pleasure. "You've been through hell...it's bound to leave it's mark."

"I wear enough marks that I can't do anything about...I _can_ do something about this. Emmett wants us there and I want to be there for him."

"Emmett will understand." I tell her. "If you just explain..."

She shakes her head vigorously. "I don't want him to know. He'll be too concerned about me to concentrate on playing. I won't ruin this for him."

I hate to admit that she's right but she is. Emmett will worry and I would do anything for Bella not to add to the debilitating guilt she already feels.

Blowing out a breath, I reluctantly concede.

I know watching Emmett play will come secondary to making sure Bella is alright.

* * *

><p>It's cold and the ground is muddy but the bleachers by the baseball field still fill quickly. Alice, Rose and Jasper have saved seats for us but I lead Bella to the edge of one bench in case we need to make a quick exit.<p>

Rubbing her hands in between my own, I lean down and kiss her. Her lips are chilled but soft and receptive. Her cheeks warm with the tell-tale flood of blood from her blush. I smile against her mouth.

Behind us I hear a gagging sound and when I turn angrily to see who the perpetrator is, I am looking at the disgusted sneer of Lauren Mallory.

Fucking wonderful.

Feeling extra vindictive towards the troll faced bitch, I vow to kiss Bella a lot during the tryouts.

Not that I need any incentive.

My girl tempts me just by breathing.

The on-lookers hush as the potential players assemble onto the field. It's obvious who last year's team was. In a show of solidarity and perhaps desire for recognition, they stand together, wearing the team baseball caps as well as smug expressions.

The new coach, saunters on the field and I can feel Bella's grip tighten around my hand. I squeeze it in return...a silent message.

I'm here, Bella...just say the word and we're out of here.

Coach Chase scans the crowd. Is it just me or do his eyes seem to linger too long on where we are standing? I hear an intake of breath beside me and the coach grins widely before turning his attention to the perspective players.

"Who was on the team last year?" He addresses them.

There is a show of hands.

"I suppose you all think you got it in the bag for this year, don't you?"

There's laughter now, high fives and elbow nudging.

I roll my eyes and choke back a laugh.

"Sorry to burst your bubble but just because you were good enough for your old coach does not mean you are good enough for me. I expect perfection, dedication..."

He drones on and I tune out his grandstanding speech, turning my focus back to Bella.

"He's a bit over the top, isn't he?" I joke.

But she isn't responding. It's like she's lost in her own world. Her face is pale, her breathing coming in short pants...her eyes unfocused.

"Bella?" I whisper nervously in her ear. "Breathe, okay...nice and deep." My tone turns soft and soothing; a complete contradiction to the way I feel on the inside.

She still doesn't respond...doesn't even blink.

That's it, we're leaving.

She seems to know my intent to whisk her away and snaps abruptly out of her state.

With a surprising display of strength, her grip latches onto the sleeve of my pea coat. She is looking at me now, her gaze completely lucid.

"No. I'm okay now." The command in her voice is tempered only by the trembling of her bottom lip.

"You're shaking." I state the obvious.

"I'm fine...I'll be fine."

The way she says it I wonder if she's trying to convince me or herself.

She pulls me to her then, taking my bottom lip in between hers and sucking on it lightly. I groan into her mouth and lean into the kiss. We separate only when there is a kick on our seat.

I glare at Lauren, who has her arms crossed in front of her defiantly.

"Do you mind? There are people trying to watch the field here."

"Actually, I do mind." I tell her and kiss Bella once again. My hands cup the back of her head as my mouth moves over hers slowly, taking extra care to savor at what is being offered. She grips the lapels of my coat and pulls me closer. I could swear I hear her purring and thank God my coat is long enough to cover the obvious evidence of my arousal.

Slowly she pulls away, gazing at me in wonder.

"That was very...um...nice." She whispers as a slow smile spreads across her face.

Yes, _very_ nice indeed.

We stay for the rest of the tryouts.

* * *

><p>Despite the cold, Emmett is a sweaty mess, picking up Rosalie with a Whoop! and swinging her around in a wide circle.<p>

"Put me down!" She screams but she is laughing.

Much to my shock and dismay, he picks up Bella next and swings her around as well. My heart is in my throat. I am on the verge of panic.

Oh god.

Is she going to freak out?

Scream?

But no.

She's giggling when he sets her down.

She's fucking giggling; with her wide beam of a smile that can light up a whole room.

I am awed by her.

_Fucking awed._

And so in love it hurts to breathe.

My whole body slumps in relaxation and I am laughing now too...mostly from relief.

"Thank you." Emmett tells her sincerely and seriously.

It's then I realize he knew.

He knew what this could cost her.

And I wasn't sure if at that point I wanted to punch him or hug him.

* * *

><p>The final decisions won't be posted for a few days so we all take off to Forks Coffee Shop to feed Emmett's tape worm and Jasper's sweet tooth.<p>

"I can't eat with that thing staring at me."

There is a huge stuffed elk just sitting there in the middle of the diner and it freaks me out with it's brown eyes as I shovel chicken fried steak in my mouth.

"Anyone want to switch seats with us?" I ask.

Bella laughs and squeezes my thigh.

Emmett snorts. "Really? That thing isn't even real?"

"Of course it's real." Jasper manages with a grin in between bites of his apple pie ala mode. "It was probably the dinner special when this place first opened."

"Ewww." Alice squeals clanging her salad filled fork on her plate. "That's just..._ewww_."

Rose sits up a little straighter, nudging Emmett with her elbow. "Coach Chase just walked in." She whispers nodding over to the entrance.

He must see us (I can't tell because I'm not facing the door) because suddenly he's there standing beside our table with the kind of leering smile that puts me on edge.

"Emmett Cullen, right?" He ask my brother.

"That's me." Emmett says proudly puffing up his chest.

Oh brother...can he be anymore fucking obvious?

"You played really well today. I think you'll be pleased when I post the results." Chase glances at all of us, finally resting his eyes on Bella and I'd be damned if he didn't smile wider. "Bella, how nice to see you again."

She gives him a tentative smile back but I feel the way her body tenses beside me.

What the fuck?

"Well...looks like my takeout order is ready. See you all at school." He tips his baseball hat and walks away.

I wait until I am sure he's out of ear shot before I turn to Bella.

"You _know_ him?" I ask and I want to punch myself at the accusation in my tone. Something about him doesn't feel right to me.

Maybe it's just the extra attention I've caught him playing on my girl but it's enough to spark my anger and yes…my jealousy.

"He...uh...came into Newton's the other day." Bella stammers out an explanation. "I rang up his order."

Emmett's glaring at me, his mouth has that "I can't believe you just said that' look.

"Seriously, dude?"

Everyone else looks at me like I've grown three heads…except Bella…she is giving me this questioning look she gets...the one with a partial smile, like she's trying to figure me out.

Okay, so I may have overreacted but hell…cut me some slack. I'm new at this.

"I didn't like the way he looked at Bella." I grumble sullenly. "I don't think it's appropriate."

"He was just being friendly." Bella tries to reassure me, rubbing her hand up and down my arm to calm me down. "My being uncomfortable has nothing to do with him..._really_."

I look at her gaging her sincerity.

"Really." She repeats.

"You good, Cullen?" Jasper grins.

I nod dumbly.

"Awesome, now have a damn fry."

* * *

><p>It's just after seven when I take Bella home. Her father's cruiser is sitting inoccuously in the drive and another smaller car that looks semi-familiar is right behind it. The living room lights are on and I see shadows of people through the curtains in the window. Bella has noticed too and she is frowning.<p>

"Looks like your dad has company." I say non-chalantly.

"Billy and Jacob." She says absently. "I wonder if there's a game tonight."

"Pre-season Mariners." I automatically say. "Who are Billy and Jacob?" I ask because that is the real question on my mind.

"Billy is Charlie's best friend and Jacob is his son. They're from the reservation."

Jacob. It's a name she mentioned before, albeit only briefly but it is enough to raise my hackles.

"Have you...um...mentioned to Charlie that I'm your boyfriend now?" I ask trying to sound casual.

I don't think it works because the edges of her lips twitch as if she is trying to keep from smiling.

"I _may_ have mentioned it." She says in that sassy way of hers.

"Good to know." I nod with a satisfied smirk. "Well then perhaps I should say hello to your dad...you know...in an official boyfriend capacity, of course."

"Of course." The smile she has been trying to hide breaks free. "You do know that you have nothing to worry about...with Jacob, I mean."

No, I don't know it at all but I pretend I do.

"Sure." I shrug.

I can tell she doesn't believe me. She gives a long suffering sigh backed by an eye roll and I grin and open the door.

With her hand safely secured in mine we walk to the front door.

"Um...I need to unlock the door." She tells me looking pointedly at our entwined fingers.

It takes me a moment to realize that she can't because I have her hand.

"Sorry." I mumble embarrassed and let go.

As soon as the door is unlocked, I grab her hand again.

Yes, I am staking a claim.


	30. Chapter 30

A/N - Is this an update? Why, I do believe it is. Sorry, for the later than usual update but I was distracted by another story I am writing, "Merciless." If you've read that one, you will notice, the 2 Edwards are completely different. Anyway, please show your love if you are so inclined.

* * *

><p>Edward POV<p>

Ever say something really loud and embarrassing in a noisy crowd just as everything goes quiet? Yeah, cause that's kind of like what walking in Bella's living room feels like ...everyone just stops what they're doing and stares. In this case, her dad, a middle aged guy in a wheelchair and a really big brute of a guy are scrutinizing us...well…_me_.

Wait a minute. I know the brute or at least seen him before. He's the guy from the convenience store. A complete douche if I recall. So what the hell is he doing in Bella's house and why is he smiling at her like she is his long lost…err…best friend...or something.

Is he happy to see me? Not so much. Either it's because I am glaring at him like I can shoot lasers out of my eyeballs or he recognizes me too. It's a toss-up.

He zeroes in on Bella's small hand clasped in mine and I tighten my hold, feeling my inner-caveman rear his ugly head.

That's right, Gigantor, she's mine.

"Edward, nice to see you again." Her father nods in my direction.

And the caveman morphs into a small boy as I wonder if Charlie's secretly twitching his trigger finger. "This is my friend Billy and his son Jacob." He introduces the two others

The older one is looking at me with mild interest...kind of one would a street performer. And Jacob? He's giving me the once over like I'm a skunk that just wandered in the living room and he doesn't know quite what to do with me.

I don't like it.

Well, if I were to be _totally_ honest, I just don't like any guy that looks at Bella the way _he_ looks at her.

I suddenly realize there are _a lot_ of guys I don't like.

"Hi." I give the standard awkward greeting and I hear mumbled "hello"'s in return.

No one's going to ask those two to be on the next welcoming wagon, that's for sure.

"Did the two of you eat? We have pizza."

I wonder if Charlie notices the tension. He sounds just a tad bit enthusiastic about the food.

"No thanks, Dad." Bella gives the cheesy congealed mass a look of horror. "We ate after the tryouts."

"How were they? Any good players this year?"

Charlie's interested now. I make a mental note to myself. When in doubt, talk sports.

"My brother, Emmett, looks like a shoe-in for the team." I say not hiding the pride in my voice.

Her dad nods, thoughtfully, rubbing the scruff on his chin. "He plays football, doesn't he?"

"Yes, sir."

"Hmm..." He must realize that we're standing there awkwardly because he waves us forward. "Well, don't just stand there kids, pull up a seat and sit down. We're watching the Mariners kick Anaheim's collective asses."

I can only think that Emmett and Jasper would be laughing _their_ collective asses off if they could see me right now. But it is a rite of passage I will partake in gladly if I can get Charlie Swan's approval.

Bella, though, isn't as excited about the prospect but we sit anyway on the empty and lumpy love seat. I want to put my arm around her and pull her in close to my side but I am not sure what the etiquette is for implied PDA's in front of fathers that happen to own firearms.

Is Charlie watching us surreptitiously to make sure my hands don't go where they shouldn't?

So I sit rigidly with her hand in mine.

My right leg bounces up and down.

My skin feels too tight.

My palms start to sweat.

They're talking baseball stats and I think I manage to input something intelligent into the conversation but I can't be too sure. Half my concentration is on Jacob, who has just invited Bella to the reservation. Apparently, Emily wants to see her. Or at least that's what he says.

I'm not an idiot though.

She mumbles out some sort of reply about seeing what her schedule's like. It's not a yes but it's not a no either. I wonder what Gigantor would say when I tag along if she decided to go.

Bella's expression is bemused as she regards me, her mouth tilted up in a knowing smile. My eyes beg her to take pity.

She does.

Moments later she is getting up asking if anyone wants refreshments or more snacks. Grateful for the reprieve, I follow her into the kitchen to "help out" but really I just want something to do besides trade baseball stats and watch Gigantor drool over my girl.

"I'm sorry about this." Bella looks at me apologetically, grabbing a six pack of canned beer from the refrigerator. "I didn't know they'd be here."

"It's fine." I shrug, "Who are '_they_' exactly? I've never seen that Jacob kid at school." I try not to sound sulky but it doesn't work.

"Oh, they live on the res. That's where Jake goes to school."

Jake. Not Jacob. Huh.

My arms slip around her waist from behind her and I pull her flush against me as I nuzzle her ear.

"And exactly how _well_ do you know Jake?"

Bella's chuckle completely disarms me. I can feel her whole body vibrating against mine.

"Considering the last time I saw him was when we were little, I wouldn't say very well at all." She turns in my arms and presses her palm against my cheek. "We used to make mud pies together, Edward, not play spin the bottle."

"Hmmm, I think he'd much rather play spin the bottle with you."

"You know what I think?"

"What?"

"If I'm going to be playing spin the bottle with anyone, it's going to be you." She says huskily looking at me with those soulful brown eyes of hers.

Oh, sexy Bella has come out to play.

"Oh, I don't know...rolling around in the mud with you sounds like it has possibilities too." I tell her.

She bites her lip and blushes.

I kiss her regardless of who in the next room because...well...I can't seem to help myself.

"How are those snacks comin' along?"

Shit! Chief Swan.

I jump away from Bella clear cross to the other side of the small kitchen.

He's laughing.

Doubled over, teary eyed, laughing.

I am mortified.

_Completely_ and _utterly_ mortified.

"_Dad_!" Bella admonishes. "I can't _believe_ you."

He pulls himself up straight, rubbing the tears of laughter from his eyes with the pad of his thumb.

"Oh, I needed that laugh." He chuckles and slaps my shoulder. "Relax kid, you didn't think I was going to _shoot_ you did ya'?"

Well, the thought did cross my mind.

"Umm, no...of course not sir."

Yeah, liar, liar, pants on fire.

Chief Swan knows it too judging by his smirk in my direction.

"Nothing's wrong with a sneaked kiss. God knows, I was a teenage boy once too." He grins before leveling a no nonsense look at me. "Just make sure that's all you're trying to sneak. Got it?"

"Uh..yes, sir."

"Dad, if you're done threatening my boyfriend, we're going to go to my room and do our homework."

Boyfriend. Oh, I love the way it sounds on her lips.

Wait, her _room_? Her room with a _bed_? Oh, the possibilities.

Get that thought out of your head, Edward Anthony, her father's right here.

"Eh," Charlie shrugs. "I'm just havin' a little fun at the kid's expense. No hard feelings, son." He pats me on the back again and I manage a forced smile.

"No, sir...no hard feelings."

"Good. Now make sure you leave your door open, young lady. And Edward, enough with this "Sir" crap. It makes me feel like an old man. Call me Charlie."

He smiles and his brown eyes, so like Bella's, twinkle in mirth.

"Yes, sir...uh, I mean..._Charlie_."

I smile freely for the first time in his presence.

* * *

><p><strong>Bella POV<strong>

It's getting easier to pretend I'm normal.

Sometimes it doesn't even feel like I'm pretending at all.

Like now.

In my room, on my bed with the open door, the sounds of the baseball game and shouting filtering in from downstairs. Our books are spread out by the foot of the bed, completely ignored.

And Edward's head is in my lap and my fingers are in his hair.

I thread through the strands of bronze and hear a purr rumble deep in his chest.

My touch pleases him.

And I feel like I am soaring.

And, God it feels _so_ good.

I don't want to ever come down.

His arm snakes upward and catches me behind the neck, pulling me down to him.

Our lips meet. Our tongues tangle and dance.

The world falls away.

I suddenly find myself flipped over on the bed and Edward hovers over me…watching.

I am breathless, panting.

What is he waiting for?

My thumb rubs over his bottom lip.

His eyes glaze over as he traces my jawline with the edge of his finger.

"So beautiful." He whispers before he buries his head in my neck, nipping at the delicate skin where it meets my collarbone.

I feel a strange, welcoming heat between my legs.

I moan. My body arches…aching...seeking.

Moving in a rhythm that's foreign to me.

His body shifts and presses where the ache is.

And my body finds what it seeks.

I moan again and his lips cover mine, gently quieting me.

He peppers kisses along my face and jaw before diving for my mouth again.

I fist my fingers in the soft tufts of hair at the base of his skull, feeling the soft waves beneath my fingers and draw him closer.

He groans deep in his throat; a primal sound that makes me tingle all over.

His tentative hand skates down my side where my shirt has risen up.

I feel his trembling fingers touch the bared skin of my torso, riding higher.

A loud shout over the game from downstairs causes us both to still and realize we are not entirely alone.

Startled by the sound he quickly rolls off and I am left wanting.

I swear I can hear the sound of a bubble bursting.

He is on his back, chest heaving; his arm flung over his eyes and his lips are moving but I hear no sound.

I touch his shoulder and he peeks at me from under his arm.

"What are you saying?" I ask curiously while I silently will the unfulfilled ache in between my thighs to diminish.

My face feels hot from the look he gives me as he turns toward me and props himself up on his elbow.

His face is still flush with passion, eyes darkened to the color of ferns.

"Emmett is Jabba the Hut." He admits shyly but his lips are quirked up in a partial smile.

_"What?_" I can't hold back the giggle and he laughs with me.

"It's just something I think about to...um...calm me down...when I get over...uh...excited." His ears turn pink an his voice dips several octaves. "I imagine Jabba the Hut with Emmett's head."

My giggle turns to uproarious laughter and I clutch my sides.

"Does Emmett know you use him as a...um...coping mechanism?" I manage to ask.

"God, no!" He looks horrified. "And don't tell him either." He grins. "The payback would be cruel and unusual punishment."

"What will you give me for my silence, I wonder?"

He raises his eyebrow and tweaks an imaginary mustache trying to appear lecherous. "Oh, I can come up with a few things."

* * *

><p>Esme watches me patiently as I pace her office, my thumb nail stuck in my mouth between my teeth.<p>

Thoughts of the the past few days zing around my mind at an alarming pace.

However, I can't find the words.

The pacing isn't helping like it usually does.

I plop down on the couch and tap my feet.

She's still watching.

"I'm doing better." I tell her.

One of her eyebrows shoots up. I think it's a sign of disbelief. Yeah, it definitely is.

Apparently pacing around the room isn't an identifier of "doing better".

"I had a flashback at the baseball tryouts and I was able to talk myself out of it."

She looks at me like she can see through me...like she can sort all the crap that's in my brain.

"Your step-father was a baseball coach, wasn't he?"

"He _wasn't_ my step-father!" I snap and feel immediate remorse. "I'm sorry...I...shit...I didn't mean to yell at you."

I feel awful. She's only trying to help me.

"It's okay, Bella. I understand. Your mother's husband then, if you prefer"

She must notice I still can't tolerate hearing his name.

I close my eyes and breathe out slowly. "Yes, my mother's husband."

It sounds so much better.

Like I don't have a link to him at all.

My fists unclench and I watch the blood rush back into my fingers.

"Is it baseball, in general, you have an issue with?"

I take my time to think about this.

"No...I mean, I don't get upset when Charlie's watching a game on TV...and he does that _a lot_...and talking about baseball in and of itself, I have no problem with."

"Interesting." Esme says, cocking her head to the side, thinking. "What are _your_ theories?"

Oh. She's asking _me_. This gives me pause. I think back to a few days ago. Edward and I were sitting on the bleachers and the new coach began to talk.

"The coach was making some sort of a speech...and I don't know...it just sounded so much like something _he_ would say." I try to swallow but my mouth has suddenly gone dry. "Renee used to drag me to his games and he would always make these stupid speeches to get the team riled up for the game."

My fingers twist in my lap, intertwining with each other. I can't help but stare at the way the blood pools away from the skin as I bend my fingers back.

"So...yeah...I guess that was it."

"You're doing wonderfully Bella." She reaches over to me and grasps my hands with hers. "I'm so proud of how far you've been able to come in a short time. I think you are right, you _are_ doing better.

"Do you really think so?" I question in disbelief. "I mean...um...sometimes I feel that way but other times…" I shrug letting the sentence trail off into oblivion.

"Last week you couldn't even talk about your mother's husband. Today, you opened up a little about him. It's a big step for you."

I turn away, humbled by her praise.

"I mentioned him to Edward too." I tell her.

"Really?" She sounds pleased. "How did that come about?"

"We were talking about going to the tryouts. I wanted to go to support Emmett but I was afraid being there would trigger something…which it did."

"Emmett would have understood."

"I know…but I wanted to see if I could do it. I don't want...I don't want to be a victim anymore. Anyway..." I wave it off with my hand ... "I told Edward about my…concerns…that Renee insisted on taking me to his games…that he wanted us there…to…I don't know…grandstand, maybe…use his power over her…and _me_?"

Esme nods. "That sounds very likely. Some men like to exert their control in certain ways and he may have wanted it to appear to his team that he had the perfect family."

"Perfect." I frown in thought. "Yes. He was always trying to change Renee…mold her and she gave in so easily."

And it really fucking hurt, I think to myself. She was always telling me to be a strong woman, stand up for myself and take crap from no one. Why couldn't she do that for herself?

"But you didn't." Esme's statement brings me out of my mental musings.

"No." I give a stark laugh. "I didn't"

"And he resented you for it." She states matter-of-factly.

My gaze shoots to hers, meeting it head on.

"Yes."

"Bella," Her voice takes on a soft soothing quality that captures my immediate attention and her eyes are positively gleaming. "Are you aware that you have been talking about him freely for the past few minutes without any sign of an impending episode?"

I blink at her several times as I process this.

Oh.

I have, _haven't_ I?

I take internal inventory, waiting for the erratic heartbeat, the panting breath and fading vision.

But none of it comes.

Wow.

"That's good…_isn't_ it?"

She nods, smiling widely and I think I see moisture in her eyes.

"It's very good. However, I want to stop it right there. I don't want to push any further right now, okay?"

I love that she asks my permission and I nod.

"Okay."

* * *

><p><em>The Phoenix desert sun is hot as it beats against my the top of my head.<em>

_My dark hair absorbs the heat, causing my scalp to prickle._

_Sweat beads and drips down my hairline before it evaporates into the arid air, making my face feel gritty from the salt it's left behind._

_I don't want to be here watching him, on these scorching bleachers with the backs of my thighs all sticky and sweating._

_He's a cocky arrogant fuck with his hands on his hips, pacing angrily, yelling at the umpire._

_He spits out of the side of his mouth and continues chomping his gum like it's chewing tobacco._

_Disgusting pig._

_Does he think it makes him look tough?_

_Renee, next to me, is watching this display and smiling like a giddy school girl._

_Does she think he looks tough?_

_The umpire kicks him off the field._

_He kicks the dirt causing dust to fly in all directions as he stomps towards the dug out._

_Like a child in the throes of a temper tantrum._

_My lips twist with wry humor._

_He looks up, his eyes catch mine and a wicked smile spreads over his face._

_He is behind me suddenly, his hot, fetid breath in my ear._

_How did he get here?_

_"You can't get rid of me that easily, Isabella."_

I jump, a scream ready to rip from my throat until I realize where I am.

At Charlie's. In Forks. _Safe_.

Shivering uncontrollably, I wrap my arms around myself, rocking back and forth in a soothing lullaby rhythm but my heart still thumps a racing tempo in my chest.

The nightmare was disturbing on so many levels, especially the last part. I cannot forget the deep voice in my ear.

_"You can't get rid of me that easily, Isabella."_

Was it a memory?

Still shaking I sneak past Charlie's room, hearing his heavy snores as I step quietly down the stairs.

After two hours of flipping through infomercials of products I can't imagine anyone having a use, need or want for, I trudge to the shower before Charlie wakes up and sees I've been up all this time.

* * *

><p>"I want to take a refresher course in self-defense." I tell Charlie as pours himself a cup of the coffee I made. It's a decision I came to while watching an infomercial for a work out video with the nightmare still fresh and on auto repeat in my head.<p>

If I had been more prepared, that horrible night may not have ended so tragically.

I _need_ to start getting my life back. I need to be stronger.

For my dad, for Edward...for me.

I cant' do anything about the scars on my body but I _can_ do this.

I don't ever want to feel that weak again.

Charlie's back is to me but I see the tensing hunch of his shoulders under his uniform and his tightened grip on the mug handle.

"Okay." He turns to me slowly, his eyes wary. "When?" He says unflinchingly.

I love it that he doesn't ask why.

"I don't know." I shrug. "Whenever I have the time I guess."

"Well, we offer some community services at the station that involve self-defense. I'll bring home a copy of the class schedule."

"Cool, thanks." My voice is overly chipper. I am trying to fight exhaustion and I fear it's winning.

The rain is pummeling down over the awnings, it's miserably chilly and I want nothing more than to go back to sleep…or try to.

"You sleep okay, Bells?" He takes a closer look at me, peering into my face. "You look kind of tired."

"Like a baby." I tell him through a thin smile, holding back a yawn.

It's not a lie. I don't think Charlie's aware anymore that babies don't actually sleep through the night.

He nods and doesn't question any further.


	31. Chapter 31

**A/N - **I am so happy to have such wonderful readers. Thank you to all who have read, reviewed and alerted this story. This chapter has some laughter, some tears and oh yeah...a wee bit of citrusy goodness. Enjoy!

* * *

><p><strong>Edward POV<strong>

Guffaw: to laugh loudly and crudely. Synonyms – Belly laugh, howl, roar.

Guffaw. I roll the word around and test it on my internal tongue.

_Guffaw_

_Guf –faw_

_Guf-faw-ing: _present participle of guffaw

Such a strange sounding word.

It's also what Emmett is currently doing right before Rosalie smacks him upside the head and the mutinous glares from Jasper, Alice and myself are threatening that we are about to follow suit.

He jolts in seat and judging by the satisfied smirk on Jasper's face, he has just kicked him under the table. I grimace.

That was _my_ job.

Bella is sitting with her head bowed and the color of crimson staining her cheeks. She has just announced to us, and proudly too, that she was going to take some self-defense courses.

That is when Emmett guffawed. I would say he guffawed loudly but that would be redundant.

"You're a total douche." I sneer at him as I rub my hand up and down Bella's leg.

"I'm sorry." He looks utterly horrified by his outburst. "I just got this picture of her in my head going all Jackie Chan on someone's ass complete with the "HIYA" body chops…"

"Jeez, Em…you can be such an asshat." Alice's tone is biting. "Don't listen to him, B…I think you'd be awesome…you know like Buffy the Vampire Slayer."

Bella's shoulders are shaking now and I can't see her face.

Oh no! Is she crying?

Emmett is a dead man, brother or no, if he's made my girl cry.

"Bella? - Baby?" The endearment slips out of my mouth easily in my worried state.

I hear Emmett's chair scrape across the floor and I watch intently as he lumbers over to her and crouches in front of her. He looks totally destroyed.

He should.

Fucker.

"I'm so sorry Little Bird."

I could swear he was about to cry himself.

"I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. Please don't cry."

Her shoulders shake harder now. Up and down, up and down. Her hair completely obscures her face.

We all watch the exchange with bated breath.

I can't take this.

"Please say you forgive me." Emmett's pleading now.

I can feel all eyes in the cafeteria on us wondering why Emmett is on his haunches, begging.

Serves him right.

Bella sucks in a breath, her shoulders straighten and she slowly lifts her head up.

"Gotcha!" She smiles.

My whole body relaxes down to my toes and I chuckle to myself when I see Emmett's shocked and disbelieving expression.

The punker just got punked.

"You tricked me!" Emmett chuckles. "You really had me going there for a second."

He stands up from his position and sits back down in his chair. Bella is worrying her bottom lip in a way I have come to know so well. Maybe it hadn't all been a trick. But I don't see any evidence of tears.

"Well…" She starts, the blush creeping back up into her cheeks again.

Uh oh.

I absently reach for her hand and give it a squeeze uncertain if I am doing this for her comfort or my own.

Her face registers indecision and she shakes her head. "You know what….forget it.

"I really did hurt your feelings." Emmett's face falls in shame.

"I'm sorry." She says.

_What?_

"Why are _you_ apologizing?" I ask her.

"Emmett feels bad enough already." She whispers to me but I know everyone else can hear her. "Let's just drop it okay. It's not a big deal."

But it is…at least to me and seeing Emmett's face, it is to him as well.

"Where are you taking the classes?" Jasper asks and Bella looks at him gratefully for the subject change.

I am curious as well. I don't ask her why she feels the need to learn how to defend herself. Intrinsically, I already know. She's being smart. I just hate the reason why she needs to do this.

"My dad mentioned the station sometimes has classes." She shrugs. "He's going to give me the schedule."

Jasper looks at me as if he's trying to make some decision in his head until his eyes take on a look of resolve and nods to himself, turning back to Bella.

"I know self-defense and even some Karate." He tells her. "I could teach you if you want."

I shift uncomfortably in my seat not sure how I feel about this. Jasper's a good friend, to be sure and my sister's boyfriend but thinking of him pretending to assault her to teach her…well, I'd rather leave that up to the professionals, thank you very much.

"I didn't know you knew Karate." I mutter, picking scathingly at my lunch.

"It's not something I advertise." He smirks. "If these kids knew, I'd be challenged all the time."

"I knew." Alice says smugly. "And for the record, Bella, I think it's a great idea."

Rosalie nods in agreement. "It would really empower you and Jasper is really good."

"So what do you say, Bella? I can work around the time you have free. The police station won't."

I'd look like a complete ass if I said anything against it now.

"Really?" Bella's eyes go round like saucers and a wide smile breaks out across her face. You would think she just won the lottery and I know any protestations I have don't matter anymore. "You'd do that for me?"

"Sure I would. We could get started whenever you want."

"Well, I don't have to work today…maybe after school?"

"Works for me." He shrugs.

"We can meet at the gym." I say because well…really…I kind of feel like I'm being left out of making these plans.

Jasper's eyes shoot to mine; his face set in grim lines and angular planes. "I don't think it's good idea for you to be there."

What the fuck!

"Why not?" I bristle angrily.

His eyebrow quirks upward straight to his hairline and now he's got that cocky, amused look on his face.

"So, you're telling me that you'll be able to stand there _quietly_, not interrupting anything while I essentially pretend to attack your girlfriend?"

Damn it! He's right. I wouldn't. I'd go fucking nuts.

"He's right, Edward." Bella says softly beside me as she looks down to where my hand is fisted on her leg, my knuckles white. "I need to learn this the right way and I don't know if I'll be able to if I'm worried about how you're going to react."

She's right too. They both are. I grimace as I imagine the visuals knowing very well by the end of the session and maybe even before then, I'd have a fist planted in Jasper's face before I could help myself just for scaring the crap out of her.

"Thought so." Jasper says taking my silence as an agreement to his words…or maybe it was the petrified look on my face.

* * *

><p>"Are you sure you want to do this?" I ask Bella as I walk her towards the gym past the throngs of other students that are headed the opposite way, holding her hand tightly in mine.<p>

I think I'm more nervous than she is. Which is the main reason I'm escorting her to the gym…well that and maybe I can wait outside and eavesdrop.

No, I give myself a mental shake. I probably would be caught.

She looks up at me with those big soulful brown eyes of hers and I am unmanned.

"C'mere." She says and pulls me into an empty classroom.

We are surrounded by desks and books and the smell of chalk. I don't care. We are alone…_finally_.

And I am going to take full advantage of that.

I pull her into my arms, my hands wrapping around her waist and nuzzle her ear with my lips.

"I love it when you take charge." I tell her hotly before my lips descend on hers.

She tastes like a cool winter breeze.

And when she moans softly and leans into the kiss, I think I'm going to go stark raving mad. A voice inside me warns me that she pulled me in here for a reason and it was probably not to make out…as much as her body was telling me she was enjoying every minute of it.

It takes a huge effort on my part to stop and break away but I do. My breathing is labored like I ran five miles and I can't help but tuck a loose strand of hair behind her ear.

"What is it?" I ask when I get my breath back.

She places her hand over my heart and I can feel it's thunderous pulse beat against her palm.

"I know you're worried about me." She says softly. "Don't be."

_Don't be_? I want to roll my eyes at her and scoff that she would make such a ridiculous request. It's like asking Mother Nature to ease up on the constant rain that befalls this town. It's utterly futile and it won't work.

"I need you to be okay with this." She continues.

"I am" I hug her to me and caress the silky strands of molten chocolate beneath my fingers.

How do I describe to her my fear? I can't even explain it to myself…this constant need to protect her…the near-debilitating anxiety I have when I can't. I'm not worried about Jasper…not really. I know she's in good hands with him. But he has no experience with her panic attacks like I do. What if he sparks a flashback and he can't get her to come out of it? What then?

"You're shaking." Bella notes in wonder and worry.

I didn't realize it but now that she says something I am more in tuned to the tiny tremors in my body.

"I guess I am." I try to smile.

"Talk to me…_please_."

I shake my head. "It's nothing."

"I don't believe you." She whispers, placing a kiss on my shirt above my heart.

Sighing in defeat, I understand I have to be honest.

"What if he triggers something and...?" My words trail off.

"I'll warn Jasper ahead of time…let him know what he should do in case that happens." She promises.

While this should ease my mind…it doesn't. I want to be the one to comfort Bella when she needs it…to be the one to bring her back from the abyss…not Jasper, not Rosalie, not Alice…no one but me.

I am a selfish, insecure prick, I realize.

Bella needs a network of support.

And I need her.

* * *

><p><strong>Bella POV<strong>

The gym is empty save for Jasper setting up ugly blue mats in the middle of the shiny waxed floor laden with sneaker scuff marks. The sounds of the mats being tossed on the floor echoes throughout the large room.

I'm going to do this.

I'm really going to do this.

Flutters of nervous excitement swarm through me like tiny butterflies taking flight.

Edward squeezed my hand and leaves me to run over to help Jasper. He is talking to him in a voice so low that I can't hear but whatever he says has Jasper placing a hand on Edward's arm and nodding reassuringly as he looks at me.

I know Edward is worried and I want to reassure him but I don't want to lie…not to him. I've been acting like this is no big deal and to anyone else it wouldn't be.

To me it's huge.

I have diligently tried to stay away from anything that would trigger any sort of flashback. Asking someone to come at me like they are going to attack me is a virtual baptism by fire. Maybe I should have discussed this with Esme first.

Before Edward leaves with a promise to return in an hour and a half, he gives me a searing kiss that leaves me breathless.

"Take care of my girl." He shouts out to Jasper.

He tries to make it sound casual but I can hear the tension underneath the words.

I guess this is huge for him too.

That worries me.

Part of me wants to run after him and tell him I want him to stay.

But that would be worse I think...for him and for me.

Taking a steadying breath I walk over to Jasper who is standing there with his hands on his hips, his head cocked to one side and smiling. There's something about his laid back demeanor that is very calming.

I relax…slightly.

"Thank you for doing this." I say sincerely knowing he is taking time away from being with Alice for me.

He waves me off. "Don't thank me. I'm actually glad I have a chance to speak with you alone."

I tense back up immediately. Is he going to tell me how bad I am for his friend? How I am just going to take Edward down with me when I eventually fall?

"_You do_?"

"Relax." He comes closer and leads me by the arm onto the map. "Nothing bad, I promise. Let's just sit for a moment and I'll tell you."

Warily, I sit cross-legged on the map and watch as he sits across from me on his knees. He looks down at the map and I see his forehead crease in thought before he looks back up at me with kind, compassionate eyes.

"For a long time Rosalie blamed herself for this." He pointed his finger at the scar near his eye. "For weeks she couldn't look at me without looking like she was going to burst into tears. She apologized _all_ the time." He shakes his head. "I hated it...I hated that he took this strong, vibrant, occasionally very bitchy girl" - he smirks -"and turned her into this guilt-ridden, scared person I didn't know."

I couldn't even imagine Rosalie ever being like that. She is so strong, so no-nonsense, a take no prisoners type, I can't wrap my mind around what Jasper is telling me.

"But you know what?" He continues. "I never blamed her...not once. When I came into the house and heard her scream..." He frowns. "I didn't think, I just ran towards her voice. When I saw what was happening, I acted. In a rage, I ripped him off of her with everything I had. We fought, viciously and yeah he beat me up but good. Rose was calling the cops in the mean time and it was your Dad that showed up on the scene."

"My dad?" I gulped.

"Yeah." Jasper nodded. "He was pretty great actually. But my point is, I would do it all over again exactly the same. When you love someone Bella, if they are being threatened you don't stop to think...you _can't._ You just do. So while Rosalie blamed herself for my scars, I never blamed her. I wear them with honor. And if I _didn't_ do anything, if I _had_ stopped to call the cops...it might have been too late and I would've hated myself for probably the rest of my life."

It's the most I've ever heard him say at once but I still don't know what he's trying to tell me.

"Why are you telling me all this?" I say hoarsely. He cocks his head to the side and has a sad half smile on his face.

"Bella, I know you blame yourself for what happened to your mother. I know you constantly question 'what if". What if you didn't scream? What if you let him do what he wanted?"

His hand covers mine and my eyes fill.

Tears fall.

He knows.

_He knows._

"Your mom did what she did to save you. You're her daughter just like Rose is my sister. She wouldn't blame you and I don't think she would want you to blame yourself. You carry this guilt every where you go, I'm amazed you can stand upright. I know because I've lived with it for months with Rose. I _know_ the look. And if you're worried about Edward? - Well...I haven't seen him this happy...this connected...since I've known him."

Mentioning Edward is what has the damn breaking. I sob into my hands until I feel Jasper's arms around me, rocking me to and fro like a child. I can't make out the words he is saying above my head but the tone is soothing.

It's almost like he's absolving me.

Or at the very least making me see it from a different point of view.

I wipe my nose with the back of my hand and swipe at the tears on my cheeks.

"I'm sorry."

"What for? And please don't say for crying."

"How about getting your shirt wet?" I ask trying to tease but my throat is still clogged and my voice sounds garbled.

"We live in Forks." He chuckles. "Wet shirts are the norm."

I laugh.

Even if what he said wasn't that funny.

It's a cathartic relief.

* * *

><p>When Edward comes by an hour later I am sheen with perspiration and exhausted beyond measure but I am happy. I feel freer...lighter. There were no flashbacks to speak of and maybe that's because Jasper kept me so focused on what we were doing that I never had the opportunity.<p>

"How'd it go?" Edward asks as he kisses me on the cheek, his arm immediately going around my waist.

I heat even more as his eyes look me over from head to toe.

I know he's examining me for any stress and injury.

"She did great." Jasper says proudly. "I'll have her kicking Emmett's ass in no time."

I chuckle and pull at my shirt. It's sticking to me and I am desperate for a shower.

"Maybe next time I'll wear more comfortable clothes." I announce. "I feel gross."

"No." Jasper shakes his head. "The clothes you're wearing are good...perfect. You have to be ready and prepared in anything. An attacker is not going to wait until you're dressed comfortably."

"Good point." I concede.

On the way home, Edward is stone-faced and grim yet he can't seem to keep his hands off me, like he is expecting me to disappear.

"What's wrong?" I ask when we are stopped at a light.

He bangs his palm on the steering wheel making me jump. I have seen Edward in many moods but I've never seen him angry.

"I _hate_ that you feel you have to do this. I hate that I can't be there to protect you all the time. It _kills_ me, Bella. It _absolutely _fucking kills me." His voice breaks and chokes. "The thought of anything happening to you..." He shakes his head and steps on the gas when the light turns green again.

"Hey." I stroke the tuft of hair above his ear. "I'm doing this so I can be stronger not because I expect anything to happen."

"I know, I know...but...God...when I think about..."

He roughly jerks the car to the shoulder of the road and unbuckles his seat belt pulling me roughly in his arms.

His desperate mouth devours mine.

His tongue delves, tangles, laps, sucks and I am drowning in a maelstrom of his emotions.

I let him in...completely.

Offering my mouth, my heart, my soul to this beautiful boy.

My own fingers stroke and soothe the back of his neck trying in my own way without words to assure him.

His hand eases under my shirt.

Skin touching skin.

Fingers stroking, sliding until they reach the underside of my breast.

They stop.

Flex.

And continue upward.

I moan when his fingers reach my lacy bra.

The one I bought just for him without knowing it.

He strokes.

His thumb rubbing over the satin covered, pebbled points of rucked flesh.

I am burning.

Liquid heat.

I arch toward him.

Wanting more.

My own fingers skate under his shirt.

He tenses and shivers under my touch...even more so when I play with the waistband of his jeans.

"I want you so fucking badly." He whispers gutturally into my mouth.

I moan and writhe in response.

I want him too.

I think hear his leg hit the center console.

He pulls away, his eyes focusing as if he just now realizes where we are...what we were about to do.

My skin flushes hot.

His forehead presses against mine.

"Not here though...not like this."

"No...not like this" I agree but it doesn't ring true.

He knows it because he's smirking now.

"Emmett is Jabba the Hut." I say with a teasing smile.

And he laughs.

Whatever demon that has been in my guy's head has receded for now.


	32. Chapter 32

**Edward POV**

I am tempted to stay by the gymnasium, right outside the damn doors. The way they shut behind me sounds ominous to my own ears, like I'm completely shut off from her.

I don't like it.

At all.

It makes me feel cold and bereft and completely clueless as to what is going on behind those thick metal barriers.

Telling myself it will be okay like an automated mantra, I shuffle slowly down the emptying hall not sure of where I'll go.

I told Jasper I'd be sticking close by and he was not to hesitate for even a fraction of a second to call me if anything went wrong. He had drily commented that I was more anxious than Bella.

Perhaps.

But he didn't know that Bella was downplaying her anxiousness…for all our sakes, maybe even her own.

_I_ did know.

I know my girl.

She was more apprehensive than she was letting on.

Feeling the need for some fresh air otherwise I'd just run right back through those doors again, I step outside and take a cleansing breath, watching the swirls of cold vapor float around me as I exhale.

"Here you are." Alice says cheerfully, startling me from my thoughts. "We were looking for you."

I notice Emmett and Rose are behind her. Emmett is still looking sheepish over what he did at lunch but I'm already over it. I can't stay mad at him for long especially when he's already beaten himself up worse than I could have.

"What are you guys still doing here?" I ask in surprise. "I figured you'd be halfway home by now."

"And leave you to freak out on your own?" Rosalie snorts. "Not likely. Besides Bella is our friend too."

She's right, I realize as I look at them…at the concern etched on their faces for Bella…for me. We are all Bella's staunch supporters. Rosalie, the fierce mother hen whose protectiveness of Bella nearly mirrors my own; Emmett with his big heart and off color humor help bring her out of her darkest of moods and even Alice, whose constant desire to take Bella shopping or do beauty make-overs serve a higher purpose than just frivolous past times.

I don't think I have ever been as grateful to them as I am right now.

"She's incredibly strong, Edward." Rosalie's voice is a soft lilt filled with compassion. "To take herself out of her comfort zone so quickly and it's very smart."

"She's forcing herself to do this." It feels good to say it out loud. "I'm not sure she's ready."

"Don't sweat it, bro." Emmett gives me a hard pat on the shoulder making me wince. "Rosalie's right. She's being smart."

Smart. Yeah, but at what cost to herself?

"He's still out there, you know." Alice states quietly but rings like a loud death knell in my ears.

My eyes dart sharply to her and she shrinks guiltily under my darkened gaze.

"Don't say it. Don't even _think_ it." I warn her.

Already, I feel my chest start to constrict and each breath I take is a little harder than the last. It was something I chose to put in the back of my mind, toss it away and forget about. Not that it ever stayed there for long.

Damn Alice for slapping me in the face with it.

"Alice is right." Emmett frowns. His eyes are narrowed to deep slits. "The fucker is still out there."

"Stop…just _stop_. He's gone, okay? Probably living on some street in Mexico selling over-ripe fruit."

I hope.

I don't want to hear it. I don't want to even think about it.

"Who's to say he isn't waiting, biding his time until he thinks the police are no longer actively looking for him before he crosses back over the border. If he wants revenge, Bella wouldn't be too hard to find. That sort of shit happens all the time."

"And I'd say you watch too much fucking crime television!" I snap. "He's _not_ coming here. Now shut the fuck up!"

Emmett winces and blanches at my fury and I don't have it in me to apologize.

Not now.

Phil Dwyer is long gone.

But the seed is already planted and taking root in my mind until it's growing like a cancerous weed, cultivating all my innermost fears.

Emmett whispers an apology and I can only give him a tense nod in return. I ask them to go…to leave me alone for now. I don't want to talk about this anymore.

I can't.

I don't want to talk about anything.

Watching them leave, I lean back against the outside wall of the building and slide down, feeling the coarse texture of the brick scrape and snag my coat until I'm sitting on the cold hard ground with my arms wrapped around my knees.

I wait.

I think.

I contemplate.

I envision different scenarios in my head; all with a disastrous, tragic end.

Every shallow breath I draw is painful gasp of air that won't quite fill my lungs.

It's been so long since I've had an anxiety attack, I think as I automatically perform the calming exercises I learned years ago.

They only just take the edge off.

When it's time to get Bella, I am a wrecked man running down the cavernous empty hallway, the pounding echo of my footsteps chasing after me.

Skidding to a halt outside the gym doors, I take a deep breath and straighten my clothes. There is no need for her to see me like this…not when she will most likely need my comfort.

I am unprepared to see her smiling.

But she is.

She is glowing with an inner joy that makes my heart skip a beat but it does nothing to alleviate the unrelenting terrors that have been plaguing my mind for the past hour. Praying she can't detect my inner turmoil, I try for a casual greeting but I can't resist touching her nor can I stop my eyes from an intense perusal making sure she is okay…on _all_ fronts.

My hands never stray from contact with her, the only exception being when I have to release her to get in my car. Even then, as soon as I have my seatbelt on, I am craving to touch her. Her scent fills the car and where it normally would have the desired effect of soothing me; it only serves to magnify the resonating fear.

She is a part of me now…an integral, _vital_ part.

If she were gone…if I …

My hand tightens on hers, the other on the steering wheel.

Thank God for stop lights, I think as I step on the brake, feeling the tires grab at the wet road.

"What's wrong?"

There it is.

She sees right through me.

My mask completely slips and I hit the steering wheel with such force, the sting travels up my arm.

"I hate that you feel you have to do this. I hate that I can't be there to protect you all the time. It kills me, Bella. It absolutely fucking kills me." I feel like the words are strangling me as I am forcing them out. "The thought of anything happening to you..."

Hey." She strokes the sensitive skin by my ear. "I'm doing this so I can be stronger not because I expect anything to happen."

Emmett's words slither into my head, strangling all reason.

_"Who's to say he isn't waiting, biding his time until he thinks the police are no longer actively looking for him before he crosses back over the border. If he wants revenge, Bella wouldn't be too hard to find. It happens all the time."_

"I know, I know..." I try to hold on to logic and reason…and fail. "…but...God...when I think about..."

I step on the gas automatically as the light turns green again but my rationale is fraying steadily. Barely paying attention to what I'm doing I swing the wheel to the right and pull onto the shoulder of the road.

Unlocking my seat belt, I reach over to pull her into my arms and into a desperate, hungry kiss. God, I want to crawl under her skin and never come back out again.

My lips ravage hers hungrily and my hands stray under the hem of her shirt and slide over her abdomen. I can feel the puckers of scars underneath my palm and it only serves to drive the point home that the reasons for my fears are very, very real.

When I touch the satin of her bra and she arches into my hand, I am lost.

Adrift.

Drowning.

In all that is Bella.

I am so ready to make her mine.

Until in my exuberance, my knee crashes into something and it's like a dash of ice water on my heated limbs.

I rip my mouth from hers, taking a moment to regain my equilibrium. It's difficult considering all the blood in my body is concentrated in one area and it's not my brain.

What am I doing?

I am an animal.

A hormonal, teenage animal.

We have to stop.

But God, I don't want to.

"Not here though...not like this."

"No...not like this" She agrees and I only just realize that I spoke aloud.

* * *

><p>I'm not ready to leave her just yet so when she asks me if I want to stay for dinner I don't even hesitate to say yes.<p>

"I hope you don't mind spicy." She says innocently as she starts pulling various ingredients out of the cabinets and the refrigerator.

"I _love_ spicy." I tell her saying it in such a way that she knows I'm not just talking about food.

The adorable blush I've come to expect rises to her cheeks.

I live for that fucking blush.

"That's...um...good." She stammers, trying to keep her composure and I can't help but smile that she is flustered. "We're having chili."

She puts me to work chopping garlic, onions and chili peppers while she browns the meat and starts up the large pot filling it with the other items that seemed to cover the counter tops.

She hums as she cooks; a tune I don't recognize and she looks happy.

The scene is so sweetly domestic, I easily see us years from now performing the same tasks only her finger has a glistening diamond and a band of gold; her abdomen slightly swollen with our child.

My heart feels near to over flowing as I continue to chop and dice not minding one bit the smell of the garlic on my fingers or the biting odor of the onion that easily masks the real reason why my eyes are moist.

I push the scenario out of my head.

It's too soon to think of those things.

We're only seventeen.

We have all the time in the world.

Charlie arrives while the chili is simmering. He doesn't even blink when he sees me. I have become a regular fixture in the house and I don't even stumble anymore when saying his name.

* * *

><p>When I finally arrive home, my stomach is full and my head is still laden with anxiety. I had been able to push it to the back of my head for a little while but on the drive home alone, it all comes back.<p>

The house is quiet, disturbingly so. I can even hear the low hum of the refrigerator as I climb up the first flight of stairs.

"Edward?"

"Yeah, Dad it's me."

I wander into the den and Dad is sitting there with a medical journal on his lap and the television is tuned into some educational show with the volume so low I can barely hear it.

"Where is everyone?" I ask as I sit down next to him.

"Oh your mom took the others out to dinner and I came home too late to join them."

"She didn't feel like cooking, huh?" I smirk.

"No," He grinned back. "Your poor father had to eat leftovers. What did you do for dinner?"

"Oh...well...um...I was at Bella's. We had chili. I even helped."

Dad grunts. "Don't let your mom know, she'll put you to work here."

He's not wrong.

She _would_ make me cook.

"So, you and Bella." He starts and I can't help the goofy grin that spreads over my face.

"Yeah."

"Looks like it might be getting serious."

Now it's my turn to snort. It's been serious since I first laid eyes on her.

But I can't admit that to my dad.

"It's getting there." I reply in a noncommittal tone with a shrug.

He eyes me dubiously over his bifocals and grins.

I squirm.

"You have it bad, don't you?"

Busted! I should know by now that nothing gets by Carlisle Cullen.

"I love her...I'm _in_ love with her." I admit to him. It feels good.

"Then what's wrong?" He is all concern now, all previous humor swiped from his face.

Dad wants to have a heart to heart and I don't know if I'm ready yet. If I tell him my worries, given my history and Bella's he may think it's too much for me to handle. He may think Bella is not good for me when the exact opposite is true.

"Nothing." I gulp.

Oh, that suspicious look is back again. He puts his book down next to him, takes his glasses off and carefully folds them before putting them in his shirt pocket. I know this move well. He's not going to let it go. I'm not entirely sure I want him to.

"Edward, the one thing I've always asked of you is to be honest with me. Now if something is bothering you, I want to know about it. Maybe I can help."

It's been so long since we've had a real father-son talk and I can tell he's eager for it; even using the honesty ploy to guilt me.

And I fall for it every damn time.

Sighing, I turn my head back towards the television, watching the images flit across the scene for a moment while I think. Dad, doesn't say a word, only watches while I try to piece together disjointed thoughts in my head.

"I'm so full...of all these _feelings_, I don't know what to do with them."

"What feelings?"

Where's the thesaurus, I want to ask but I don't. Instead, I lean back, burrowing myself further into the comfort of the leather seat and look up towards the wooden beam laced ceiling.

"Love." I say first. It's the most important one, the one that spurs all the rest. "Happiness, desire, need, fear, anxiousness, jealousy, possessiveness..."

"Okay, okay." Dad chuckles. "I think I get the point. You're in love."

I give him a confused look. "Didn't I just say that?"

"No, no." He is still amused. "I meant everything you just described, well, they all come with the territory of being in love."

"Huh." I mutter.

"Edward, for so long I watched you keep yourself closed off emotionally. Now that you've opened up to it, it's hitting you all at once because this is so new to you. I can see how it can be very...overwhelming for you."

I scoff at his words. Overwhelming is a vast understatement.

Again, where is the thesaurus?

"It's not like I had much of a choice."

"What do you mean?"

"Do you believe in love at first sight?" I ask him.

He takes a moment to ponder this and I watch his face scrutinizing every emotion that passes over it.

"I believe it's possible, yes. I felt that way with your mother. But I also believe relationships take work. It's not all hearts and rainbows and lightening rods."

I nod agreeing with everything except for the bit about the lightening rods. Every time I see Bella, it's like I'm being struck like one.

"I'm scared." I say in a soft voice, a little boy sound, so foreign to my own ears. "I feel like I'm living on borrowed time with her...that she's going to be taken away from me somehow."

"By another boy?" His surprise is evident. "Son, I've seen the way Bella looks at you...like you hung the moon. I don't think she's that fickle."

"No, not that...well, maybe sometimes." I reluctantly admit. I'm not really sure how to express the dread I feel...the impending sense of doom that skates around every corner, hiding in the shadows, waiting.

I shiver.

"I had an anxiety attack today." The words tumble forth and I can't take them back. "I almost forgot how bad they can be."

Dad is all concern now. His hand braces my shoulder and I can't help but flinch at the sympathy in his eyes.

"What happened?"

Pressing my palms into my eyelids, I release a stuttering breath.

"Bella's been doing so well lately. Getting stronger...pushing herself to be better and I know some of that at least is for my benefit...because she gets me...she knows that I worry incessantly about her. I can't help it. Today, Jasper was helping her brush up on her self-defense skills."

"I don't understand." His brows furrow. "Isn't that a good thing?"

The words escape like I can't get them out fast enough. I tell him how I ran into the others while waiting for Bella, what Emmett said and how combining it with what was already going through my head caused me to freak out.

Dad sighs and shakes is head. "I love him dearly but Emmett can be a real dumb ass sometimes."

I can't help it. I laugh. Oh, it feels so good. Cathartic.

"So you don't think it's possible?"

"I won't lie to you, Edward. Anything's possible."

"Gee thanks, Dad."

"Let me finish." He says brusquely. "I was going to say anything's possible but if what you fear happens or anything else, whether it's tomorrow, next week or twenty years from now...if you constantly taint your relationship with that fear, giving it power, you are going to waste whatever time you _do_ have."

It takes some time to digest his words. They make sense...they're logical and pragmatic but my emotions are none of those things. I don't want to waste any time with her but can I push away the consuming fear I have and just be?

"I can try." I say the words out loud, answering my own question.

Dad pats me on the leg and smiles reassuringly.

"Good. Now was that so hard to tell me?"

"No." I begrudgingly admit. "I thought you were going to tell me to stay away from her or something." I grumble awkwardly. "That being with her might be too much for me to handle"

His brows raise straight to his hairline in complete shock.

"Oh, Edward, no. We all love Bella here. She's kind and good and it's obvious she loves you very much. Besides, she's helped bring you out of your shell whether she's aware of it or not and for that I will always be grateful. I really think the two of you are really good for each other."

My shoulders slump in relief.

I know he is telling me the truth.


	33. Chapter 33

Bella POV

I open my locker to find a tiny bouquet of four light blue flowers taped to the inside of the metal door and a small note written in the familiar neat penmanship I know is Edward's.

_A Forget-Me-Not to tell you I have not forgotten our one month anniversary and a symbol of my love._

I gently remove the tape from the stem and inhale the sweet scent as tears prick behind my eyelids.

Has it only been a month? It feels like so much longer, like he's been a presence by my side, whispering sweet words of love in my ears for years.

"Happy Anniversary, beautiful."

Suddenly he's there, behind me. It's like my thoughts have conjured him up and put him exactly where I wanted him to be.

With a bright smile, I turn into his embrace, careful not to crush the delicate blooms.

"Happy anniversary." I whisper back feeling guilty I hadn't even thought about it. I had never been one for sentimental notions maybe because I'd never been shown an example of it. It doesn't surprise me that he is however, given the relationship his parents have. "I'm sorry I didn't get you anything."

He steps back, green eyes crinkling with a smile as he tips up my chin towards him and plants a soft kiss on my lips.

"There's only one thing I want and I already have it." He says.

"Oh yeah? What's that?"

"You."

In the beginning of each class, another flower awaits me on my assigned desk.

My first class, the flower is a single large hibiscus with a note sealed in a vellum envelope. It's a stanza from one of my favorite poems by Lord Byron.

_She walks in _beauty_, like the night_

_Of cloudless climes and starry skies;_

_And all that's best of dark and bright_

_Meet in her aspect and her eyes:_ i

He is saying I'm beautiful; words that I would never use to describe myself and even now it's hard to believe he sees me that way. He's only seen the scars that one time, it's probably easy for him to forget they are there.

I haven't though.

Still, I hold the paper close to my chest and inhale the scent of my flower.

Feeling Mike's angry glare sear me from under the lid of his baseball cap, I try not to let his petty jealousy ruin this moment for me. He's with Jessica Stanley now anyway so what should he care?

The next class brings a tiny cluster of purple flowers labeled heliotrope. I've never heard of them but I guess they have a symbolic meaning like the others. There is no note but my email notification pings on my phone. The bell hasn't rung yet so curiously I check. There is an email from Edward. The subject title simply says "Play Me". So I click on the small icon for the music file and grin at the tune I recognize so well from a movie I must have watched at least fifty times; "Hopefully Devoted to You" from the Grease soundtrack.

I'm getting strange looks now with my odd floral arrangement and my musical dedication. I can't bring myself to care.

How has he arranged all this?

It's over the top but so completely Edward.

When he meets me after class, I greet him with a kiss that has the teacher coughing into her palm.

"How did you do all this?" I ask.

"Ahh, a magician never divulges his secrets." He says as he grins down at me.

"I have my ways to make you talk." My voice changes to affect an exaggerated Russian accent.

I can tell this amuses him but he's also intrigued.

"Bring. It. On." He enunciates slowly...temptingly, his faces so close our noses almost touch.

Bring it on, indeed.

Angela is in my next class and she is proudly smiling ear to ear as she points at my desk and I realize she must be in on it.

It's A red tulip this time, so perfect in it's fragility.

_Her gesture, motion, and her smiles,_

_Her wit, her voice my heart beguiles,_

_Beguiles my heart, I know not why,_

_And yet, _I'll love her till I die_._ii

Focusing on my class is difficult now. My mind wanders easily, wondering and anticipating what the rest of the day will bring. Do I have the right to be this happy right now? Have I earned it? It just seems too easy…too hard to accept and yet Edward's words either written or spoken don't leave me much of a choice.

At lunch, he procures a table for just the two of us, in the back corner away from the other students. We are cuddled together, sitting close, his knees touching mine under the table and he is feeding me fork bites of my salad. His eyes darken as my mouth closes over the cherry tomato he has just popped in my mouth.

He hisses through his teeth, his lids lower and he watches me chew.

The lobes of his ears turn bright red.

He clearly thinks this is as erotic as I do.

And I giggle because if I don't I'll jump on his lap and kiss him here in front of everybody.

"Come." He orders huskily, his hands entwining with mine as he pulls me from my seat.

I don't ask him where.

I'd go any place with him.

We wind down the empty halls until we reach my locker. He leans his shoulder up against the one next to mine and inclines his head.

"Open it."

Curious now with anticipation growing in my stomach, I turn the combination lock and pull the door open. On the small, slightly crooked metal shelf is a bright orange flower.

I look at him questioningly as I pull the bloom from the shelf. There is a small envelope tied around the stem.

"It's an orange lily." He states. "It symbolizes passion."

With a sharp intake of air, I use my index finger to open up the envelope and pull out the notecard inside.

_Between your sheets you soundly sleep_

_Nor dreams of vigils that we lovers keep_

_While all the night, I waking sign your name,_

_The tender sound does every nerve inflame,_

_Imagination shows me all your charms,_

_The plenteous silken hair, and waxen arms,_

_The well turned neck, and snowy rising breast_

_And all the beauties that supinely rest_

_between your sheets._ - iii

Oh my!

My eyes shoot to his and he is staring at me with his darkened green gaze that speaks of promises to come. Desire for this boy...this man is a living thing, breathing inside me.

I hurl myself into his arms.

My lips find his.

And his devour mine.

He turns me so I am against the lockers in the empty hall, his body pressed against mine in the most delicious of ways.

"This..._you_...are amazing." I say in between kisses.

"No." He shakes his head. "You are. I love you, Bella Swan."

A clearing of a throat echoes past us and I jump, startled. Edward reluctantly pulls away; face grim with annoyance, his eyes search for the interloper.

Coach Chase is watching us, a half smirk on his face.

"Bell's about to ring folks." He says. "You may not want to get caught like that."

He tips his baseball hat at us before he walks away whistling.

"Fucking creeper." Edward mumbles under his breath just as the bell actually does ring and students start filtering into the hallway from the neighboring classrooms.

He may just have saved us from a reprimanding should another teacher had been the one to find us interlocked together but the truth is, he creeps me out too. Chase just always seems to be lurking around somewhere. I thought at first it was maybe because of Emmett now that he's on the team but now I am not so sure.

Even though Edward is with me in biology, he still gifts me with a flower; a honeysuckle this time and a note which I rest in my lap away from the eyes of my teacher.

I_f questioning would make us wise_

_No eyes would ever gaze in eyes;_

_If all our tale were told in speech_

_No mouths would wander each to each._

_Were spirits free from mortal mesh_

_And love not bound in hearts of flesh_

_No aching breasts would yearn to meet_

_And find their ecstasy complete._

_For who is there that lives and knows_

_The secret powers by which he grows?_

_Were knowledge all, what were our need_

_To thrill and faint and sweetly bleed?._

_Then seek not, sweet, the "If" and "Why"_

_I love you now until I die._

_For I must love because I live_

_And life in me is what you give_. iv

The previous poem made me mad with desire, this one makes me want to weep. It pierces the deepest core of me for it exposes the truth. In this one moment, despite all the claims of love, I realize he knows me..._really_ knows me.

And loves me anyway.

He knows I ask the "Ifs" and the "whys" in a continual loop inside my head and he's telling me so. He's also giving me the answer, even if the words aren't his own.

He chose them.

Just like he chose me.

I am humbled.

I am loved.

_I_ love.

In gym, Alice hands me a dahlia.

"I've got a secret to tell you." She says, her eyes twinkling with mirth.

"What is it?"

"I think Edward likes you..._a lot_." She winks before she laughs and we exit the girl's locker room.

"I can't believe he did all of this." I tell her still awed as we walk into the gymnasium.

"No one can believe it. I honestly didn't know the boy had it in him."

"Are you sure there's never been anyone else...not even in Chicago?" I still find it hard to believe. He's so beautiful, so sweet.

Alice stops short and turns to me leveling very serious eyes at me.

"I promise, Bella. You are the _only_ one and mark my words, you will probably _always_ be the only one. Now, let's go play volleyball."

Alice's words resonate within me and take hold; a seed too afraid to grow.

As Edward walks me to our last class of the day, he tucks a primrose gently behind my ear. There is no poem attached and no song to be heard, the only message is the one foretold in his adoring gaze.

"What does this one mean?" I ask for I know he has chosen each flower with care; a symbolic message behind each one.

His adam's apple bobs as he swallows thickly and his hand tightens on mine.

"I'll let you figure that out." He says huskily.

* * *

><p>Both Rose and Alice are at my house getting me ready for my date with Edward. I was just booting up my computer getting ready to look up the symbolic meaning of primroses when my doorbell rang and Charlie let loose the pair of fashionistas up to my room.<p>

It feels weird having them both here in this small space with it's old mismatched furniture, sage green walls and lavender purple bed set. Alice is trendy, Rose is classical and both my room and me are neither.

"Oh, I love what you did with the flowers." Alice exclaims with a clap as she examines the bouquet of different flowers Edward has given me throughout the day.

"Thanks." I mumble as I watch the small draft from my window blow the white lace curtains.

I tried to arrange them as best I could but the memory of Renee dragging me to floral arrangement classes with her when we were in New Mexico kept flooding my mind until I had to stop and talk myself out of an anxiety attack.

The flowers, a mixture of vibrant colors and different sizes sit in a frosted, embellished glass vase I found in the cabinet under the sink. The vase has prized space on top of my bookshelf positioned where I can look at them and be comforted as I try to sleep.

"Edward's going to be here at seven, so let's get started shall we?"

Alice is all militant now and orders me into the shower. She has brought an outfit for me to wear and refuses to show it to me before I am ready to put it on.

"Don't worry." Rose tells me sincerely. "It's something you'll feel beautiful in."

And just like that I want to cry. I excuse myself quickly, running for the small pink and black bathroom that Charlie never updated and take a quick shower taking extra care when I shave and moisturize.

I don't know why I am so nervous. It's not like Edward and I have never been on a date. What if he wants sex? Oh God. He's seen my scars only once, kissed them even. The memory makes me blush. But that was before...well, before everything. We were both highly emotional.

It's too soon. He doesn't want sex...does he? Oh don't be naive, Bella. He's seventeen. What seventeen year old boy doesn't want sex?

I suddenly don't know if I can do this. I can't give him what he wants. And then...

And then...

He's going to leave.

My panic must be evident because when I walk back into my room, covered neck to foot in my blue terry cloth robe both Alice and Rose gape at me.

"Okay, what's wrong?" Alice demands with her hands on her hips.

I cast my eyes downward trying to calm my breathing and my erratic heartbeat. I can't talk to her about this. Edward's her brother.

"Nothing." I say.

"Nothing? Really? C'mon Bella, everyone knows Nothing is girl code for 'something'."

It's not a topic I am comfortable in discussing no matter how persuasively demanding Alice can be. Rose looks just as concerned but at least she is giving me my space. I ignore Alice's tempestuous look and start to fiddle with my hair in the mirror that sits above my old dresser.

Rose comes up behind me and I can see her reflection in the mirror next to mine.

"Face first." She admonishes with a slight upturn to her lips and guides me towards the bed. "Then hair."

My dark mood goes to the back of my mind as Rose and Alice primp me, do my makeup and fix my hair. It is an odd feeling having them pamper me like this. I am not used to it. It's unnerving and makes me feel useless and inadequate.

Renee had given up on trying to style my hair when she was met with my own belligerence on the matter. I don't say anything about it to my two friends though. They seem to be enjoying the task and I don't want to ruin their fun, even if it's at my own expense.

Sitting still is hard to do. I feel the softness of cosmetic brushes and Alice tilts my head this way and that.

Close your eyes

Suck in your cheeks

Pout your lips

I want to look in the mirror again but they won't allow me until they are finished.

Rose attends to my hair with a gentle yet expert hand. It's obvious she knows what she is doing and it helps to settle my erratic nerves. The warm heat of the blow dryer caresses my scalp making me sleepy. She takes out her flat iron next, meticulously separating and straightening. The process seems to take forever but once it is done, I can see the two of them are extremely pleased by the effect.

"You are going to blow Edward's socks off." Alice exclaims. "And you're not even dressed yet."

I make Alice and Rose turn their backs as I slip the dress over my head, careful not to smear my makeup. The dress is a royal blue shift dress made of chiffon and satin with long sleeves and a wide, slightly scooped neck that reveals my collar bones to the shoulder. The sleeves are sheer but my scars remain invisible.

Alice and Rose finally lead me to the mirror and for once I am nearly dazzled by my own reflection. Is that girl with the smoky come-hither eyes, sleek hair and pouty lips really me? I touch my face just to make sure and my reflection does the same.

"Well, our work here is done." Rose says with a smirk. "Don't do anything I wouldn't do."

And just like that, I am wrapped in equal parts dread and nervous anticipation again.

* * *

><p>AN - Poems used in this chapter are excerpts from the following:

i She Walks in Beauty – Lord Byron

ii There is a Lady Sweet and Kind – Thomas Ford

iii Between Your Sheets - Lady Mary Wortley Montagu

iv Because She Would Ask Me Why I Loved Her - Christopher Brennan


	34. Chapter 34

Edward POV

"Damn, stupid tie," I mutter under my breath as I try for the fourth time to put it in the right knot. Who knew there were so many different ways to knot a tie? The Brooks Brothers website listed six; all with complete video instruction. Maybe I should have taken the time to watch them.

My fingers fumble so badly, they keep slipping over the blue silk.

"Having trouble?"

I see my dad's reflection in the mirror. He's behind me, leaning in the doorway of my room, watching me with a one sided smirk.

"No." I narrow my eyes at myself and square my shoulders.

I _will_ do this.

One perfectly arched eyebrow rises into his hairline. Clearly, he doesn't believe me. Oh, who am I kidding? My shoulders slump back down in defeat.

Bested by a piece of clothing.

"Yeah. Can you...?" I tug at the offending piece of fabric around my neck. One man's fashion statement is another man's noose.

"You'll have to ask your mother. She always does mine." He chuckles and walks away calling out my mother's name.

Too bad I don't have any clip-ons like I did when I was a kid. Now _that_ was a beautiful invention.

I'm still working on the knot when my mom knocks on the door frame.

"Your Dad said you needed my assistance." She is smiling and her eyes have that twinkle in them that they always get when she's trying not to laugh.

With a huff I turn to her, tilting my head back so she can work her magic. Her deft fingers make quick work of the task and not one minute later, she is smoothing out my collar and smiling.

"My, don't you look handsome?"

I suppose I do, dressed in my crisp white shirt, black suit pants and blue tie. My hair still maintains that messy look that Bella loves but the rest of me is wrinkle and messy free.

"Thanks for your help with all of this." I tell her and I don't just mean the tie.

She had been instrumental in helping me plan.

I had opened my mouth to Emmett to tell him I was going to do something special for my one month anniversary with Bella and he laughed.

"Dude, seriously? It's been one month. At least wait until it's been six or she's just going to expect something big every month. That's how women are. You'll have to outdo what you did the month before. It's a vicious cycle."

He didn't understand but Mom did.

I was originally going to buy Bella roses, a dozen red ones. That was until Mom had looked at me thoughtfully and went to get one of her botany books, "The Language of Flowers."

"Roses are so common," She had said. "Look through here and find something that really says how you feel."

So I did.

I scoured through the tome and found exactly what I needed. The poetry idea was Alice's.

"She won't know what these mean, Edward, unless you tell her. What better way than using poetry? No girl can refuse poetry."

I am a musician, not a poet so I used the internet to find exactly the right words to convey how I felt. Finding one for devotion had been a problem until I caught my mom and dad watching "Grease" and that idea was born.

My next stop was Ava's, one of the two florists in town. I had it on Jasper's good authority that it was the better of the two. If the lady behind the counter had been surprised by my grocery list of flower requests, she didn't show it.

Arranging the actual delivery had proved to be the most challenging but Bella had made some good friends in each class so I recruited their help.

I watched each reaction with bated breath. Was I being too over the top? Would she be scared off?

I didn't anticipate, although I should have, that her first reaction would be to feel guilty.

"Have fun tonight." Mom smiles at me and brings me to the present.

"You don't think I'm being too much?" I ask because Emmett's words still have a lingering effect.

"Do _you_?"

"Well, no...but I've never done this before."

"Edward, if you were the type of boy that falls in love on a constant basis, I would say yes because I wouldn't think the feelings were genuine. But you're not. In fact, your relationship with Bella is the very first time I've seen you so willing to open yourself up. It's a joy to watch."

She reaches up to drop a motherly kiss on my cheek and I feel myself flush.

"How did Bella like the flowers?"

"She felt...guilty...at first." I tell her honestly. "She was upset that she didn't have anything to reciprocate with. I didn't care. I didn't want anything in return."

"From what I know of Bella, that's understandable. She's used to taking care of people and has a difficult time accepting someone taking care of her."

It's true, I realize. Bella takes care of everyone around her without giving any thought about her wants and needs. It's infuriating and endearing all at once.

I want to take care of Bella...if she'll let me.

* * *

><p>I'm not quite prepared for the seductive vision in blue that walks down the stairs. My whole body feels slapped stupid and if I'm not mistaken, yes, that is my jaw on the floor. It's Bella as I've never seen her before; a goddess that would put Venus to shame. She's all sleek straight hair and smoky eyes in a dress meant to unman me.<p>

"You're droolin', son." Charlie winks at me and nudges my shoulder with his own. I rub the corner of my mouth because frankly, I wouldn't be surprised if I _was_ drooling.

"Is it?...Do I look okay?" She asks when she finally greets me at the bottom of the steps.

A small line appears across her forehead and I want to smooth it away with my lips. She cocks her head at me and her tongue darts out nervously across her bottom lip.

I want to do dirty, dirty things to those pouty red lips.

Down boy. You can think about dirty things later when Charlie is not breathing down your neck.

"You look breathtaking," I tell her reverently when I can form a coherent thought.

Her smile is brilliant, her cheeks stain pink and my heart is bursting.

"Thank you…umm…you look pretty hot yourself."

I feel hot too, in an Oh-my-God-she-just-said-I-was-hot-in-front-of her-dad kind of way.

"Remember, one o'clock." Charlie reminds us, tapping his watch when we step out the front door into the night.

"Will do Charlie."

"Bye Dad."

He watches as I open the car door for her and help her inside before he shuts the front door with an approving nod.

* * *

><p>Her scent, a sweet mingling of citrus and strawberry, envelopes me once we're inside my car. I don't recognize the perfume and something tells me it's something my sister chose for her as she chose everything else. While I find this this altered version of Bella sexy and seductive, I have a longing for my sweet girl; unadorned by the trappings of the cosmetics that she doesn't need.<p>

My fingers itch to touch her everywhere just to make sure underneath all the glamour, she is still mine…she is still my Bella. I settle for entwining my fingers with hers and bringing them to my lips so I can kiss her knuckles.

Hearing her breath hitch, I smile and indulge myself once more on her fragrant skin. The pulse point on the underside of her wrist beats faster under my caressing tongue.

"Edward," She moans low and husky and I thank the good Lord above for long wool coats.

"You don't know how badly I want to kiss you right now."

"What's stopping you?" She purrs.

Christ! Death by desire…what a way to go.

The hand that's on the steering wheel tightens and I fight to keep the car from swerving into the narrow shoulder of the road.

Does she have to tell me things like that and say it just _that_ way? The way that makes me want to abandon all reason and good intentions?

"You are an evil, evil woman, Miss Swan." I tease, shaking my head with a grin. "If we didn't have a reservation, I would have pulled over…don't you doubt it."

The brisk March air holds the salty smell of the sea and Front Street is teeming with life as lovers and friends, alike walk hand in hand along the street populated with restaurants, gift shops and small hotels. We pass La Bella Italia and I reflect on the first time Bella had come out and the changes in her that took place since then.

Although she still maintains an air of fragility, she's been growing stronger day by day and I have been growing more and more in love.

Her hair whips around her face revealing the creamy expanse of neck underneath and I can only think of how badly I want to kiss her and suckle her there. Bram Stoker has nothing on me.

"Beware the ides of March!" A homeless man, his voice thick with drink, shouts at us from his spot under the awning of a closed store. "You never know when it's coming for you."

"Jerk," I mumble as I usher Bella quickly down the street.

Why do I feel like someone has just walked on my grave?

"Wait," Bella whispers to me as she stops walking. She is digging through her purse and I hear the distinct jingle of change.

"You're not thinking of giving him money, are you?"

I'm aghast. I can't help it.

Living in Chicago as I did, I'd become used to the bums flittered around the city and learned to ignore them. You give a vagrant money and a whole slew of others would come out of the woodwork with their hands out.

"He looks hungry."

"You give him money and guaranteed he won't be spending it on food," I tell her. "He'll be buying a forty from the nearest liquor store."

Her eyes narrow, admonishing me as she pulls her hand from my grasp and walks over to the drunk. Feeling deprived of her touch, I follow her back the few steps and tense as I see her lean down and place a few coins in his hands that are shaking badly.

Probably suffering from the DT's, I think.

"Please get something to eat," She tells him in a voice that is a compassionate demand.

"You are an angel of mercy," His eyes are lucid as they gaze up at her reverently and blows a sour-smelled kiss at her. "God bless you."

Even bums are in love with my Bella.

"Aw, hell," I mumble begrudgingly and pull a dollar bill from my pocket and hand it over to him.

"Thank you."

It is not the bum that thanks me but Bella and she slips her hand back in mine.

Michael's Seafood and Steakhouse is the perfect romantic setting with it's half wood panel, half creamy butter yellow walls and candlelit tables. Dad suggested it and I am am glad I took him up on his suggestion.

The hostess eyes me up and down in an uncomfortable way before she leads us to our table. Bella's hand on mine tightens and her lips twist. I swear I can hear her mumbling something derogatory and very un-Bella like under her breath as we follow the hostess to our table.

Jealous Bella is adorable.

I am not the only one getting looks though. Bella has captured some attention of her own. I see the way those three guys off to the side watch her every move; their eyes roaming all over her body.

I don't think so fellas.

I lean down and give her a claiming kiss before pulling her chair out for her.

Now everyone here know she is mine and I am hers.

Her eyes bulge when she opens the menu and she looks at me nervously.

"What's wrong?"

"Everything is just so..."

"So...so what?"

"Expensive," Her voice is barely above a whiper as she looks around making sure no one overhears her.

"Its fine, Bella. I can afford it if that's what you're worried about."

"But..."

"Nope." I shake my head with a smile. "I won't let you do this. Now what do you want for an appetizer?"

We end up getting the crab, artichoke and spinach dip and the Northwest Paella for two as an entree. As we share our meal, I can't help but watch the flickering lights of the candle dance on her face.

I am absolutely mesmerized by her.

It will always be so. I know it.

Even fifty years from now, I will always look at her like this.

Whoa!

I dive for my soda with a shaking hand that reminds me of the bum outside. My tie suddenly feels too tight.

Her lips are moving. She is talking but I can't hear a word above the ringing in my own ears.

Not because I am terrified at the thought of fifty years from now. Because I want it so badly, I can't breathe.

"Edward? Are you alright? Are you choking?" She's half out of her chair, ready to give me the Heimlich Maneuver. I just know it.

Wouldn't that be just fucking embarrassing?

Her arms wrapped around tightly me might be worth it though.

"I'm fine," I squeak. "All better now."

She sits back down, still watching me cautiously.

"Are you sure?"

"Positive. Never better. Now what were you saying?"

"I asked what you were doing for Spring Break?"

Ah, yes. Spring Break. It was right around the corner. Only another week away.

"I'm spending it with you."

She blushes sweetly and I realize I have to kiss her again.

So I do.

The night is cold but we are both up for a walk down by the waterfront. With her arm tucked beneath mine, we stroll along Front Street as the full moon peaks in and out of the moving clouds.

I pepper her with questions about the time she spent living with her grandmother; a relativley safe topic now. She tells me how her Nana taught her how to bake cookies and make a great spaghetti sauce; how she used to tell her stories about 'the old days" and sing her lullabys to help her sleep.

In turn, I share with her the first baseball game my dad took me to; my biological dad. It was a Chicago Cubs game and I was three. I tell her how most of my hot dog with everything on it ended up more around my mouth and on my clothes than in my stomach, how I spent most of the game in my father's lap because I couldn't see in my own seat and how I ended up falling asleep midway through the game but it didn't matter because the Cubs lost anyway.

I tell her how my real Mom used to call me her "little man" and dance with me, read me Dr. Seuss stories in funny voices and take me to museums around Chicago. I tell her about the floor to ceiling, real Christmas trees we used to buy every year and the way we used to make home-made decorations for it; at least my parents did. I was a little wrecking ball armed with glue, sparkles and magic markers.

It startles me how much I do remember. I've kept these memories locked away for so long, sharing them with Bella seems inevitable and so right. My throat swells with emotion and I can feel the hot pricks of tears behind my eyes.

"I miss them so much," I choke out on a whisper.

Bella wraps her arms around me, squeezing me tightly to her, rubbing her hands down my trembling back. I hug her closer still, my hands weaving through her hair and in the darkness my lips find hers. I am desperate for her warmth...her love and my mouth and tongue tell her so as I kiss her.

I holdnothing back.

"I love you," She says huskily.

"I love you too...so much."

Tasting salty tears, I'm not sure if they are mine or hers.

My ears register a whistle. Startled, I break the kiss and glance up to see a couple of guys watching us and not in a good way.

Mostly everything is closed except for the restaurants and bars, I realize. There aren't as many people out now and my instincts tell me it's time to go back to the car. Besides, I have one more stop in mind.

Shielding Bella's body with my own, I usher us back towards my Volvo at a quick pace. Bella doesn't say a word but her breathing has picked up. It's harsher and more erratic. She knows the possible threat to us.

I don't want to get into a fight but I will if I have to. Jasper's not the only one who knows how to kick ass and I'd do anything to defend Bella...anything at all.

My surge of testosterone ebbs when I realize we're not followed.

* * *

><p>My headlights cast two long rays of bright light over Crescent Lake. The waters though still, run quite deep and the glow from my high-beams illuminate the brilliant blue water. My dad told me once that the surreal blue color is due to a lack of nitrogen in the water which prevents algae from growing.<p>

I don't care about the scientific reasons. The lake is magical and the perfect make out spot.

"It's beautiful, Edward." Bella gasps looking out onto the water through the windshield. "Thank you for taking me here."

While Bella watches the water, I watch her. My fingers play with the tendrils of her hair that rest on the nape of her neck. That I opened up and talked about my parents after keeping those memories locked away is nothing short of miraculous. Even Esme, my adoptive mom, had never been able to coax them out of me and she has a degree in psychology.

It adds one more bond to the many I already have tethered to Bella.

God help me if any of them sever.

What will become of me then?

Her breath hitches and she turns in my direction.

"What will become of you, when?"

Crap. I've just spoken aloud.

"Its...um...nothing." I shrug it off., feeling suddenly chilled. "Just thinking out loud."

I play with the stereo system, bringing it to a soft music station and adjust the heat in the car. Depeche Mode is singing about a Higher Love and the words fill me. I drag her into my arms and curse the console that is between us.

"Wait." I pull back, holding one finger up before I dive into the back seat, urging her to follow.

Grinning, she takes my hand and I help her climb between the seats.

She is in my arms again. No barriers, just hot kisses and, warm tangled limbs. Our coats end up in an undignified heap on the floor of the car followed by my suit jacket and that damn, stupid tie.

Her breathless moans in between heated tongue strokes as she fumbles with the top few buttons of my shirt is nearly my undoing. I take pity on her and help her with the last few on the row and hastily un-tuck the shirt from my pants. She pulls it down my shoulders revealing the white tank t-shirt I have on underneath.

"Your shoulders are so strong." She whispers using her hands to glide down the bunched muscles of my arms.

I am a trembling mass of need and desire. My chest heaves with want as I take in her flushed face and dewy, kiss ravaged lips before I descend on her again.

Tentatively, I knead her breasts over her dress and as she arches into my hand, I feel like I might burst.

I want her.

I want this.

More than anything.

My lips caress her neck before I use my mouth to taste the succulent, citrus smelling flesh. Her fingers dig into my biceps as I rub the hardness in between my thighs in-between her own.

"I want you." I rasp as my hands find their way beneath the hem of her dress and travel upwards until I hit the satin of her panties.

Oh sweet heaven.

Her hands still and her body stiffens beneath me.

"Bella?" I look up at her and see the terror in her eyes and I freeze.

"I'm sorry."

Her bottom lip is trembling and a single tears escaped the corner of her eye.

I feel like an ass. What are we doing? Am I really going to take her virginity...give her my own in the back seat of a car? How freakin' cliché is that? Bella is worth so much more than a few awkward moments in this tight, confined space in the middle of nowhere.

"Bella, baby, look at me."

I touch her cheek and she reluctantly drags her eyes to meet mine.

"_I'm_ the one that's sorry. Our first time is not going to be in a car. I promise you that. I just get so carried away with you...I can't help it."

"It's not the car, it's me. I'm not sure I'm ready yet." Her chin trembles ever so slightly and I realize I have to fix this.

This is not a conversation to be had lying down in the back seat , however, so I sit up and adjust myself before pulling her into a sitting position next to me, wrapping my arms around her.

"Okay." I breath out and my balls, which I envision are a distinct hue of blue right now, are screaming out in denial.

"Okay? Just, okay?" She sounds shocked.

"You're not ready, so okay."

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have led you on like that." She worries her bottom lip with her teeth. "I just wanted to touch you so badly."

I silence her with my finger over her lips.

"First of all, don't apologize. Anywhere, anytime you want to touch me, you won't hear any complaints from me. I love that you want to, believe me."

"But…"

"Bella," I hush her once more. "This may sound strange but I _am_ glad you told me you're not ready. You have a tendency to put your own wants and needs in place of others so it's a big deal that you were honest with me and didn't give in to what you think I wanted. When it finally _does_ happen for us, I don't want it to be because you feel you have to give in to my desires but because it's something we _both_ desire equally. I'll wait, no matter how long it takes."

She's silent and I think I can see her mind literally deliberating what I just told her. It's true…all of it. I want Bella naked and under me because that's where _she_ wants to be, not because she thinks it's what I want.

Any other way would be empty and meaningless, everything that our relationship isn't.


	35. Chapter 35

A/N - This was a difficult chapter to write as far as subject matter goes. I will lend you a "spoiler" of sorts by telling you it concerns support group therapy. My own experience with this is limited to one session and it wasn't a very good experience. There is little on the internet that describes what actually goes on realistically (aside from the usual generic info and what is written on psychology websites describing different methods/tactics). So, I admit to taking some creative license using my own limited experience. All groups are run differently and everyone involved is unique. This is just one take on it from our dear Bella's point of view. On a side note, there is nothing in this chapter that I feel is overtly graphic or disturbing.

* * *

><p>Bella's POV<p>

It's a relatively small building; innocuous really with it's white brick exterior and green awning. There are no markers to label what it is, so I double check the address. I really don't have to. Esme's SUV is parked in the small parking lot along with several other vehicles.

I climb out of my truck and make a dash through the drizzle towards the door. My hand freezes and stills over the knob as I take a deep breath.

_You can do this._

Can I?

I have no idea what to expect. I never asked Esme for any details. The pamphlet she had given me, so long ago it seems now, stayed secreted away in the bottom of my book bag. It was by chance or maybe fate, if one was to believe in such things, that it managed to get stuck inside my English homework.

An impulse was born.

I've been making a lot of those types of decisions lately.

Spontaneous, I am not.

Renee was.

I am grounded and deliberating because I've always had to be.

Yet here I am.

Steeling my shoulders, I open the door.

It's an anticlimactic moment.

No one greets me. There is no receptionist sitting at the front desk to take my name and give me direction. No faces at all.

There's just a long, empty hallway floored with generic black and white tiles and a smattering of nature inspired paintings line the wall.

I hear the echoing of voices and see computer printed signs with bold black arrows stating Young Women's Circle Of Healing Group.

Such a benign name for what it really is.

My slow footsteps are filled with trepidation as they lead me towards a large room with plastic chairs that form a large circle. A few young girls and women chat over by a coffee urn until they see me.

They stop and turn with curious, welcoming smiles. My own smile is wan as I duck my head and continue to look for Esme.

The sharp pitter-patter of nervousness takes root and blooms in my stomach.

"So, what's your story?"

Startled, I turn on my heel towards the voice. A girl, maybe a few years older, with a riot of tight red curls, lip ring and tattoos running the length of her bare, skinny arms is staring back at me with open interest…like I'm some sort of oddity.

"I'm sorry did you say, my story?"

She had said it like whatever has brought me here is some tale I made up in my head.

I wish.

"Yeah, you know…why are you here? Father, brother, lover, stranger?" She looks down at where my fingers are gripping the sleeves of my sweater close against my skin and smirks. "Tried that once but tattoos are so much prettier, don't ya think?" She glances at her own arms.

What does she mean? Does she think I'm hurting myself? Intentionally giving myself scars? The very idea is abhorrent to me. I reel back on my heels in obvious distaste. Who is this girl?

Unconsciously, I let my sleeves go.

"No…I…"

"You know the rules, Vicki," says a voice I recognize well. "I don't think Dr. Platt would appreciate the interrogation you're trying to give."

"Rose," I whisper under my breath after the girl, Vicki, gives a twist of her lips and walks away to slump sulkily in a chair still staring at us.

"Hey, Bella," She smiles at me and much of my general unease dissipates.

"Rules?" I ask.

"Rules," she nods. "This place is a comfort zone. No one should pressure you to share…especially like that. Anyway, I'm so glad you came." She hugs me briefly and guides me over to a seat and sits next to me.

I have so many questions to ask her but Esme walks in the room and everyone moves to sit down. Her step falters a bit when she sees me and her face breaks out in a beaming, approving smile as she nods her head in my direction.

"Well, it seems we have a new face joining us today," Esme starts. "I'd like you all to help make Bella feel welcome. As you know, it takes great courage to walk through those front doors."

There's a murmur of 'hello's'. I dart my eyes nervously around the room, trying to take slow, even breaths.

"Hi," I give a slight hand wave, trying to be friendly but it's challenging when I feel like I'm on display.

Rose reaches over and squeezes my hand. "It's okay," she mouths silently.

Esme quickly brings the attention back to her with a simple clearing of her throat. I'm not sure how all of this works so I just sit and listen. It's startling the amount of "should have's" and "could have's" that take residence and permeate around the room. The guilt and shame that lives within me seems to be a universal element that binds us all.

Each of them has a different story, all with fundamentally the same residual effects. There's Bree; the shy, quiet girl next to me whose first date was tainted by unwanted lust. Jane, who is probably the same height as Alice, was followed inside her apartment building and attacked in an empty stairwell. And Maria, who for years was subjected to the abuse of her stepbrother and Irina who was stalked for months. She hadn't been physically attacked but she was emotionally scarred, all the same. Vicki, I found out, was passed around like a rag doll in a dark Port Angeles Alley.

She speaks of the brutal attack by knifepoint in a hauntingly robotic voice. My date last night with Edward looms in my mind as I remember the group of guys on the dark street.

I shiver.

_Focus, Bella, focus._

But I can't.

I feel sick.

Hearing this tough, inked up girl speak of the heinous things she was subjected to in a tone that was somehow less than human was my undoing.

"Excuse me," I whisper and immediately cover my mouth as I run out of the room.

_Where in God's name is the bathroom?_

I want to scream as my unfocused eyes frantically search the closed doors scattered about the hallway.

I hear my name being called.

I pretend not to hear it.

There it is; the unmistakable generic symbol of the restroom.

I'm bent over now, stumbling quickly, gagging on my own bile trying to keep it lodged in my throat. My eyes burn with the unshed tears of embarrassment.

Leaning over the white ceramic bowl, I wretch hot, thin, acidic liquid that burns through my throat and my nose.

_Why can't you get a grip?_

My knees shake and I have to grab the toilet to keep from falling over.

I hear the door swing open and I stiffen.

"I'm sorry…I didn't mean to ruin the meeting…" I say thinking it's Rose or Esme.

"Oh, get over yourself."

Vicki.

Still crouched down, I turn my head. She squats down next to me; her face sympathetic despite her harsh words.

"You think you're the first person to freak out in there? You're not. Last week it was Maria, the week before it was Jane…welcome to the club, Bella."

"Can I withdraw my membership?" I offer a weak smile, trying to swallow away the acid.

She shakes her head with a smile and gets up. I hear the water running and a few moments later, she is handing me water in a paper cup and a wet paper towel.

"Thanks."

I swallow the water greedily.

Why is she here? Why not Rose or Esme? I look towards the door.

"They wanted to come after you," She says answering my silent question. "I think it's up to me though, to make it right. You're pretty tight with them, huh?"

"Yeah…yeah I am."

"Thought so. Rose doesn't go all mother hen for just anyone. I'm sorry I was such a bitch before."

"Why _were_ you?"

"Honestly? I don't know. You just seemed so innocent…so pure…you didn't look like you belonged. But you do, don't you?"

Her face is inches from mine; inspecting, speculating...searching for my hidden secrets.

"I was wrong. You're not a cutter at all, are you? But you've been marked all the same. I bet right now you're fucking terrified of the guilt, of the feeling you're not worth it, that you're dirty…tainted somehow…terrified of the never ending nightmares that are just as scary in the light of day will never go away."

I find myself nodding at her words, no matter how sinister they ring in my ear. No one has ever spoken so crudely and honestly about it before. They all seem to tip toe on egg shells around it…around me.

It's…refreshing. I like it.

Her anger, her bitterness, her direct way of getting to the core…it strengthens me somehow.

_There's strength in numbers._

Everything she says is true…one hundred percent, absolutely true. No matter how much I try to hide it with Edward or Alice or any of them…the fear is always there, a dark stain on everything good. I've become adept at hiding it…but this girl…this stranger sees right through me.

She knows.

She's been where I am now. Maybe she still is.

"Do they ever go away?"

She shakes her head. "Not all of them. Some things will live in you forever. But you learn to cope. What happened to you was pretty recent, wasn't it?"

"Yes, right before Christmas."

"Jesus Christ," Vicki hisses under her breath. "Okay, B, I won't ask you about what happened…wouldn't want to break the rules and all…" She snorts and rolls her eyes causing me to chuckle.

How insane this must look; the two of us bonding on the floor of the ladies room.

My eyes drop to her tattoos. The colors take the shape of twisted rose vines, edged with thorns that drip blood.

"They cut me here," She points to her forearm where a tattooed vine now grows. "And here and here." She points to her other arm where the name "Riley" is scripted and then the bottom part of her neck where an inked necklace lies. "I took something that was ugly and made it beautiful."

They _are_ beautiful in their own way. I can barely see any knife wounds and I think of my own scars.

There's a soft knock.

"Guys," Rose's concerned voice speaks through the door. "Dr. Platt is going to call for a break in a few minutes."

"Well, that's our cue," Vicki grins and stands up, holding her hand out to me. I grab it and she helps me off the floor. "This bathroom will be packed soon."

She reaches into her tight jeans and pulls out a small, worn business card for a tattoo parlor called "Think Ink".

"My boyfriend, Riley, owns a Tattoo place here in Port A. Maybe he can help make something beautiful for you too."

"Oh, I don't know," I shake my head and try to hand her back the card. "That's not really my thing."

"Keep it anyway, just in case. My number's on the back. Ya know...in case you want to talk," She puts her arm around my shoulder; a friendly gesture from someone I totally misjudged...well for good reason at first. "You smoke, B?"

"No...I..."

She laughs then. "I figured as much. See just like I thought...pure."

When we emerge from the bathroom, Vicki salutes us and goes outside to smoke. Rose's brows furrow in concern as she looks at me and she places her hand on my shoulder.

"Are you okay, Bella?"

"I think I might be," I tell her honestly. "I'm sorry I worried you."

"Please," She rolls her eyes and grabs me in a hug.

* * *

><p>My heart pulses rapidly as I finally speak. No more hiding, terrified and afraid in the darkened corners of my mind. It gives him power. Power I need to take back.<p>

"I won't call him my stepfather," I say. "He was my mother's husband."

The room goes still and quiet. Esme leans forward in her seat, her mouth agape at my quiet admission. She has this knowledge already but I think she is surprised that I am openly speaking. I am too. She nods once in approval and I find the will to continue.

"Renee, my mother, met him by accident…literally. I was in the ER again. A common occurrence for me since I suffer from clumsyitis," I smile wryly and nervous chuckles round the room.

"He was charming…very attentive towards my mom and then to me by default. He made Renee happy. That was all I could see at first. Renee had spent years roaming from place to place with me in tow, you see. I was kind of grateful that maybe she had found someone she could settle down with so I wouldn't have to worry about her so much when I went off to college. I thought she found that with him.

"Then I began to notice the little things. Renee wasn't being Renee anymore. She was becoming the carbon copy of everything she hated. Because he wanted her to wear her hair a certain way or dress more conservatively, she did. He never demanded, mind you. He was a lot more cunning than that. That, however, changed drastically the day they were married and we moved into his house.

"It was like I became his as well. He wanted Renee to get rid of all the memorabilia she had collected over the years because he didn't like to think about her life before him. So she did. Even the things that were mine. I threw a fit. He had a whole shrine dedicated to his glory days of baseball; photos of his high school team, trophies, an old uniform, baseballs, caps. I used to stare at it, dreaming of different ways to destroy it."

I take a sip of water with a shaking hand, feeling that old anger come back…picturing his cherished room and curios in my mind. I am telling them things I never told anyone, not even Edward. It feels strange. Briefly, I wonder if Edward would feel betrayed that I told a group of strangers first.

"What a control freak asshole," Jane, the tiny blonde, says. She is angry on my behalf. I couldn't agree with her more.

The others nod, murmuring in agreement.

"Were you scared of him?" Bree asks in an unsure, timid voice that reflects her own experience.

"No. I defied him every chance I got until Renee begged me not to. I began to spend more time out of the house, working, going to the library. I was ignoring it all like an ostrich with his head in the sand…until...until that night."

I shiver and stare off into space at nothing. The walls close in. Claustrophobic fear is a living, breathing thing in me, over me, above me. Its suffocating. My back beads with sweat causing my shirt to stick to my skin.

_Why can't I breathe?_ I want to rip at my throat to open it to the air.

"You're doing great, Bella."

My eyes snap open. When had I closed them?

Rose is leaning towards me, her hand grips mine and her voice is a coaxing balm. There are tears swimming in her eyes and I want to tell her not to cry for me but my voice is being held hostage.

"Do you want to stop?" Esme asks. She is halfway out of her chair at the ready to provide comfort and aid should I need it.

I shake my head violently and find my voice.

"No," I rasp. "I want to continue…I _need_ to continue."

She sits back down but her face says she's still wary. She doesn't want to push me.

Vicki clears her throat. "So, what happened that night?"

A cup of water is thrust at me and I take it, drinking greedily before I continue.

"I had a date. My first one. He was a nice guy I met at the library. We went to the movies even though Renee's husband wasn't thrilled about it. I came home about five minutes after curfew. He was waiting for me…just sitting in his stupid armchair, staring at the door and waiting. Renee was asleep.

"I just wanted to go to sleep but he grabbed me. I remember the look in his eyes. It made me feel so dirty…and violated. I demanded he let me go and he got angry. He said he tried to raise me the right way.

"The right way..." I snicker darkly and shake my head to clear the image of him that has infected my brain.

My breathing grows heavy and labored again. I don't know what forces are driving me now, only I feel the compelling need to continue...to finish this.

Maybe it's the demons that lurk just barely hidden by the shadows that never stray too far from me.

Who knows?

I push the visions away and concentrate on the words. I can almost see them floating above my head as I pluck them out of the air. My voice takes on a montotone type quality I don't recognize as my own. Is this what Vicki was doing...how she copes?

"I remember fighting him, using self defense my dad taught me. I remember him warning me not to resist or my mom would wake up and he'd have to hurt her too. I tried...I tried so hard not to scream but the sound came anyway...my mom, she came down the stairs horrified over what was happening and -Oh God," I bury my face in my hands.

"We're here, Bella. This is a safe place." Esme's voice is soothing in my ear. There's a comforting hand rubbing circles on my back. "What happened next, Bella? It's okay. He can't hurt you anymore."

"She attacked him and he...he flung her away like a rag doll. I was just so angry...so scared...I went after him...I don't know...he...I think he threw me against the wall. The next thing I remember was waking up in the hospital. My dad was there, crying. I never saw him cry before," I say in wonder. "They told me, I nearly died and when they said my mom had, I wanted to."

The room is silent and I am tired...so very tired. I've been staring at my hands the whole time watching my fingers shred the meager tissue in my grasp. Slowly I look up at the awed faces surrounding me.

"Oh Bella, I am so proud of you." Esme is beaming through her tears and she envelopes me in a tight hug.

I hug her tighter and cry. I'm sobbing like my heart is breaking all over again. It's a cathartic release.

* * *

><p>The goodbyes in the drizzly parking lot are brief but emotional until only Esme and Rose are left.<p>

Vicki urges me to call her once again and I think I will...sometime.

"Is your dad home, Bella?" Esme asks me.

"No...I don't think so."

"Okay. We're going to lunch then. Rose will drive your truck. I don't feel comfortable letting you get behind the wheel after that. We'll meet at Chestnut Cottage."

Rose gingerly climbs up into the driver's seat of my truck and stares at the wheel half in disgust, half in amusement.

She shakes her head. "I still can't believe you drive this beast. No wonder Edward insists on driving you everywhere."

"Don't hate the truck," I tease as she starts it up and and the entire cab shakes as the engine putters and starts to purr loudly. My face turns somber as I think of Edward. "Please don't tell Edward what happened here today."

She smiles at me. "What ever happens in group, stays in group. House rules."

"I haven't told him anything more than he's read in the papers," I admit. "You don't think he'll be upset that I told a group of strangers before telling him?"

"If he is I'll kick his ass," She jokes. " But seriously, Bella, group exists because many of us can't talk to our loved ones about these things for whatever reason. It's a safe place to get together to talk to people who are going through the same thing without judgement and without fear that we are going to hurt the ones we love."

"How long have you been going?"

"Since last year but I'm a volunteer there now."

I take a moment to digest this. It's only now that I realize, she never spoke unless she was giving comfort or direction.

"I want to be a psychologist like Esme," She continues. "Help girls that are in the same place I was. Volunteer work looks really good on a college application. Esme is the one that got me interested in it and she found a place for me here. I help out twice a month."

She sounds so matter-of-fact about it but I know she's a lot more passionate about it than she sounds.

"Well of it means anything, I think you'll be a great psychologist. I don't think I would've gotten through today if you weren't there."

"Oh, I think you would have. I don't think you realize how strong you really are. Much stronger than I was."

"I don't believe that," I disagree.

"It's true. I didn't fight get to back to myself at first...not like you are," She glances over at me. "But for the record, I'm glad I was there for you today too...not just as a volunteer but as your very good friend."

I nod silently and blink back a tear.

For the first time in a long time, I am optimistic that somehow, I'm going to be okay.


	36. Chapter 36

A/N- This chapter was co-written by Bella and Edward. Seriously. I was going in a completely different direction but they hi-jacked my brain (and my keyboard) and this is the result. I hope you enjoy it.

* * *

><p><strong>Edward POV<strong>

The music room is a dreary place; stuck in the basement of the school with dim lighting. The smell of mildew is prevalent and the dust motes tickle my nose so badly, I'm reaching for my allergy medication. I can't help but think that the reason why the music department sucks so much is because all the instruments must be warped from all the moisture settling into the wood.

Glenbrook South was a professional symphony orchestra compared to this. It's perhaps the only thing back in Chicago that I miss; that huge cavernous music room where I would spend hours, getting lost in just playing the music.

Mrs. Randall has finally conceded to have the piano in the music room tuned, I note as my fingers absently tap out the scales. I prefer my own piano but this is where I'd taken to coming when Bella is doing her self-defense thing with Jazz.

My fingers drift of their own accord, playing a sleepy tune that has no beginning or ending yet. It's a melody I've been working on for a week now and I can't seem to get it quite right. The notes aren't meshing together as I want them to and I can no longer blame the out of tune piano.

It's all me.

I'm the one that's out of tune and out of sync.

Things had been so perfect…beyond perfect on Friday night.

But Bella's not been acting her usual self since Saturday. It should be a good thing. She's more prone to smiles, she walks with a bit more confidence in her step, she's more outgoing and talks to more people.

It should be a good thing…a _great_ thing. It would be except…

…There are those moments she'll bite her lip and look at me like she's guilty of something. Or her cell phone will ring and she doesn't tell me who is calling. "Just a new friend," She said when I asked.

Today, after lunch, I overheard her speaking in intense, hushed whispers to someone named "Vic".

I didn't ask her who he was.

I couldn't.

I didn't want to know the answer. Not then and definitely not now.

Fear and paranoia cloy at my throat.

What I am thinking cannot be true.

There has to be a completely logical explanation.

Yes…the explanation is I am an asshole.

I should be completely and utterly ecstatic that my girl is showing signs of healing. Instead, I'm drowning in insecurity. What if Bella only wants me, the social outcast, because she feels damaged and once she no longer feels that way, she'll be on to broader pastures?

What if I've opened myself up only to be abandoned again?

My chest feels like its constricting and I can't take a deep breath.

It hurts. _Badly._

_Deep breaths, Cullen._

Bella is not like that.

Don't project your irrational paranoia onto her.

I crack my knuckles, shake out my arms and put my fingers to the keys once again. Closing my eyes, I picture Bella in my head. Her smile is light and her hair glistening with burnished red highlights under a shining sun.

And I play.

A shiver of awareness thrums through me. The same electrical current that alerts me always of Bella's nearness and I know she is here, watching. My fingers still and my breath is harsh.

"I hope I'm not interrupting your creative flow," she says apologetically.

I can hear her footsteps tread across the floor towards me.

"You inspire it," I tell her honestly and cringe inwardly at the gruff quality of my voice…the kind that hints at a well of emotions that are trying to rise and topple over the surface. "Come sit next to me?"

I hold out my hand, beckoning her closer.

She is pink faced and luminous from exertion. I imagine Jazz gave her a good lesson today. He hasn't been holding back much anymore with her upon her insistence.

"What were you playing? It was very relaxing."

"Something new. A lullaby for you."

"For me?"

I nod slowly, still wrapped up in my own paranoid fog. "I know you have trouble sleeping still. I was going to put it on a file for your Ipod so you can listen to it as you go to sleep."

"Was?"

I can detect a slight tremor in her voice.

Fuck!

Did I say "was"?

"Sorry…I mean I am."

She sighs heavily. I'm not sure it's a good sign or a bad one.

It definitely sounds bad. Ominous.

"Bella, I-"

"Edward - "

"Ladies first," I say with a feeble attempt at a smile but I'm positive it looks more like a painful grimace.

My whole body braces for impact and I can taste acid in my mouth.

She remains quiet, staring at her twisting hands and I am growing less and less patient as the moments tick by. Just as I am about to totally lose it, she looks at me with stark eyes.

"You've been acting odd for the past couple of days."

_That's because I'm preparing for the final blow_, I think.

I snort derisively but remain silent.

"Have I done something wrong?"

"I don't know. _Have_ you?" The words are out before I can stop them.

She rears back at the scathingly asked question like I've physically slapped her. I hate myself for it and immediately want to take it back.

But the damage has already been done.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

I touch her cheek with the back of my finger but she flinches away.

"Bella-"

"Don't," She pulls away even further and I can see the chasm widening between us. "I want to know what you meant."

"Maybe I've been acting odd because you have."

Is that cold, dead voice mine?

"Is this because I'm not ready to have sex yet?" She whispers harshly.

"What?" I shout indignantly, truly offended. No! Of course, not."

Is that what she really thinks? After everything I've done and said, she believes I'm pissed because she isn't ready? Does she really have that little faith in me?

_Kind of like the little faith you're showing in her right now, asshole?_

Great, my inner-Jiminy Cricket decides to offer up his two cents.

He's right though.

How can I rebuke her for her assumptions when I'm doing the same thing?

"If that's not it, then talk to me. Tell me so I can fix it."

How can she fix a breaking heart?

I groan in frustration, pulling at my hair.

"Do you know your face gives everything away? Every emotion, no matter how fleeting? Wait-" I say as she opens her mouth to interrupt. If I don't get I out now, I don't know if I'll be able to. "Ever since Saturday, I've seen guilt there…guilt and secrets. And then there's this Vic guy, you've been talking to on your phone and I can't help but think I have something to worry about."

"Vic guy?" Her brows furrow in confusion.

"Don't, Bella. Don't lie. I've heard you say his name on the phone when you think I can't hear you."

Its painful to watch her face light up in understanding.

I think I'm going to be sick.

Until she starts to laugh. It's filled with hiccups that hint at sobs.

"Oh, Edward," She chokes out. "_Vicki_. You mean _Vicki_."

Vicki? Who the fuck is Vicki?

"I met her in group on Saturday," She answers the question even though I never spoke it aloud. "We've been talking on the phone. Ask Rose if you don't believe me."

Vicki is a fucking girl…a girl she met at group.

"You mean my Mom's group?"

She went to my mom's group?

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you. It's just…I didn't want you to worry that I was pushing myself and then I felt guilty afterwards for not telling you and…"

"Stop," I interrupt her. The relief I feel is palatable. I can actually taste it. "You're telling me I've been freaking out because you feel guilty for not telling me you went to a group therapy session?"

I want to laugh now, too. God, I never do things half way do I?

"It's not only that." She whispers and I deflate once again. "There were things I spoke about with those girls…things about _him _and I felt...bad that I hadn't been able to tell you even though you must be curious."

"Did talking to my mom's group help you?"

I don't have to ask. I can already see that it has. It's been evident.

I'm such a fool…a jealous fool.

"Yes," She casts her eyes downward as if she's ashamed.

I'm not a stranger to group therapy or support groups in general. I know how they work. It's a comfort zone of people with similar experiences. While I have to admit to being a little hurt she felt she couldn't talk to me, I know the reasoning behind it. I'm just happy she was able to open up to somebody.

Tucking a stray tendril of hair behind her ears and placing my finger under her chin, I urge her to look up at me.

"Then that's all that matters."

I lean down and briefly kiss her lips, turned salty and soft by her tears. She pulls back slightly but we are still so close I can see the individual tears trapped in her lashes.

"You didn't trust me," Her voice is the faintest of whispers until she clears her throat. "You didn't trust me," She states again, more forceful this time and I flinch under the accusation.

"I do...I _do_ trust you," I tell her urgently and sigh as I realize what the real issue is. "It's _me_ I don't trust."

"You don't trust yourself? I don't understand."

Her eyes are all panic and the words get stuck in my throat.

"I don't trust that I'll be enough," I admit.

"Enough for what?"

"Enough for _you_. I'm never gonna be _that_ guy, Bella. The popular guy with tons of friends. It's not in me. I'm too quiet, too private, I dislike more people than I actually like and I _like_ it that way. I _like_ being the outcast. And that's okay for you now but one day real soon, Bella, it probably won't be. I see how people are drawn to you, to your goodness and your compassionate spirit and you're doing better now...so much better and I'm so fucking happy about that, you have no idea. But on the flip side, I know that you'll eventually want to spread your wings...your feathers are ruffling now and you're going to wake up one day and realize you grew out of me."

During my whole impassioned speech, I'm watching her...watching her face go from confusion, to denial and eventually to anger. I don't even know why I spewed half of what came out of my mouth but I realize it's all true.

It's the core of all my fears.

From the beginning, since I first saw her, I've been anticipating the second shoe to drop. Who knew I'd be the one to drop it on my own head?

My eyes silently plead with her to say something...tell me I'm crazy, that she'll always love me, that I'm an ass..._anything_.

She only blinks, letting a tear escape and then another. Her mouth compresses into a thin line.

"Say something," I demand. I guess I'm not above verbally begging after all.

"I don't know what to say."

Her voice is quiet...defeated...dead.

She looks around, frowning and wraps her arms around herself.

She's avoiding now. Distancing herself.

I feel the pull and snap of the bands that tie us.

**Bella POV**

"Tell me how you feel."

_Seriously?_ I can't even think right now, let alone form a coherent sentence. What I want to do is run. Run out of this damp, dank room filled with broken, forgotten instruments. Run away from this boy I love with my whole heart who thinks my love is fickle because I'm...because I'm damaged. That because I am not whole , my love can't be either.

It hurts. It hurt so badly.

"How I _feel_?" I snap, lashing out at him when I feel like I can no longer hide the pain that's been building. "I don't know how I feel. You tell me you don't trust yourself but everything you list after that are reasons why _you_ don't trust _me_."

"That's not what I-"

"That's _exactly_ what you're saying. You don't trust me. You think the first time I am not forthcoming, I'm doing something horrible behind your back...and maybe that's partly my fault. But you never _asked_ me. You assumed. And then you tell me that you think _my_ love is not as powerful as yours, that at the first sign of me '_spreading my wings'_ as you so poetically put it, that I'm going to leave you behind...that I am the type of person that would do that. That the only reason I love you is because I'm damaged."

He flinches and looks away, ashamed and I feel no satisfaction from it.

What I feel is empty.

"That's what it is, isn't it?" I ask weakly. The truth of it tastes bitter on my tongue. "You think if I wasn't damaged anymore, if I wasn't lacking in some way, I couldn't love you."

I don't know whether to laugh or cry. What does that say about what he thinks of himself? What he thinks of me?

"You are _not _lacking in any way," His words are anger unleashed, spoken quietly but forcefully.

"The ironic thing is, this whole time I've been terrified _you'd_ leave _me_ because _I_ don't measure up. I've been pushing myself to heal because of you...so I would be enough for you...and this whole time..." My voice cracks and breaks. Shaking my head back and forth, I know I can't go on.

_This_ can't go on.

"Bella," Edward's voice is a raspy whisper that reflects my own pain.

He engulfs me in his strong arms, holding me tightly to his chest like he never wants to let go. I don't want him to.

But I can't have him questioning me or the depths of what I feel. He has to trust me. I know he has his own issues with abandonment and beyond any hurt I feel, I know this is the reason behind everything he just said.

"Maybe we dived into this too quickly," I say. "Maybe we should take some time -"

I feel him shudder against me.

"No," He says, his hold tightening. "Don't say it. I'll admit to being an ass but please don't say the words."

I continue any way even though it rips me apart to do so.

"We should take some time to think."

"I don't need to _think_ about anything. I love you." He pulls back and cups my cheeks in his palms. The look is his eyes in panic in it's rawest form. "I _love_ you."

"Oh, Edward, I love you too...so much and I _know_ you love me. You just don't trust me...not if you let one moment of uncertainty break your faith in me. You thought the worst of me. That hurts."

"And what of you, Bella? You just admitted you don't trust how I feel either…that you think I'm going to wake up one day and decide you don't measure up…that you are not enough… when you are the fucking standard for everything."

He's angry…so angry now.

And he's right.

"I'm sorry," My words are broken shards of glass scratching against my throat. "I…I should go."

I push away from him. I have to get out of here. I can't breathe. I can't think. I feel trapped by my own words…by his…by this room.

But he won't let me.

His arm reaches out and grasps me as I turn away.

"Don't go." It's a panicked demand. "Forget everything I said. It was stupid nonsense talking. I do trust you."

"How can I forget it? It was all true."

He sucks in a breath and chokes on it but he still won't let me go.

"No."

"I want us, Edward, I really do. With my whole heart. I just…." My voice breaks on a sob. I don't know what I want to say anymore.

I love him…more than anything…more than I thought possible and it just feels like everything I was afraid of happening from the beginning…all of the reasons I should have stayed away are coming to pass.

All the progress I think I have made is shattering before me.

"How can we fix this?"

"I don't know."

He drops his arms in defeat.

"Don't end this, don't walk away from me…from us...please."

"End it? No, Edward." I quickly close the distance between us, motivated by that magnetic pull that is always there, drawing me to him. My arms wrap around him and I soothe his back with my hands. I have to admit, the idea, however fleeting, did come to mind. I didn't want to. It would reinforce all his fears and I couldn't do that.

A crash coming from the next room makes me jump and burrow myself further into Edward.

Safe.

"It's probably just Petey, the janitor," Edward says hoarsely into my hair.

"Can we get out of here? This place gives me the creeps."

"Abso-fuckin'-lutely."

* * *

><p>I am fidgety and nervous as he drives. Only one of my hands is free. He has the other one threaded with his, resting on his thigh. He's held it since we left the dark room like he's afraid letting go will sever the connection.<p>

He glances at me constantly, unsure and nervous. He can feel the paradigm shift as well as I. This talk we are about to continue can make us or break us.

It isn't until now that I realize as much as my past has been weighing down on me, we've been living in a happy little bubble; ignoring and pretending that the outside world doesn't exist.

His insecurity. My guilt.

They are ever present and never discussed. Those feelings are quickly placated with heartfelt declarations as if they can heal all. We've clung to each other like ivy on old brick with a storm raging at our backs.

It's time to face it.

"Where are we going?" I break the suffocating silence. The radio isn't even on to offer solace from the disquieting quiet.

"Rialto Beach…to The-Hole-in-the-Wall. It's about a mile hike from the parking lot. Are you game?"

"I am if you are." The words are filled with a bravado I don't feel.

I've only heard of this place in passing; whispers between giddy lovers and cherished memories forever forged in the minds of the old. It's a special place of first dates on warmer summer eves and marriage proposals against the rocky surf.

Has Edward taken a girl here?

No, he couldn't have.

"How do you know about this place?"

"Jazz," He glances over at me like he can read my mind. "He's taken Alice there."

The rumors were no lie. The huge stone arch is like a gateway between land and rough sea, stark and unyielding against the soft colors of twilight. I watch as the waves break and splash from under the dome, feeling like they are some prophecy of what's to come.

Edward spreads out the blanket he's pulled from the trunk and another one he wraps around us as we sit. His breathing is harsh against the wind. The swirly mist of his breath rises and catches in the air, sending it out to sea.

"I'm sorry I made you doubt me. I should've told you about group, about Vicki…about a lot of things." It's a realization I came to on the way here once I've had time to cool off and settle. "I guess I just don't want to feel like I'm burdening you with it. You've helped me so much and I just…I can't lose you because you're going to get sick of hearing about it…sick of dealing with the fragile girlfriend who has panic attacks over the smallest things. I wanted to do this on my own to prove that I could…to prove to myself that I'm not this weak person that has to depend on her boyfriend. I shut you out and I'm sorry."

I steal a look at him and his eyes are clenched shut and his jaw is taught like he's trying to hold his lips together. It's painful to watch.

He sighs, finally opening his eyes and staring off into the distance, his forearms balanced on his bent knees.

"When you pull away and shut me out, I can feel it, _physically_ feel it. It hurts." He turns to me. His eyes are green fire burning me under their heated gaze. "You can't shut me out, Bella. Never again. Don't you get it? I love you. That means taking the good with the bad. I want it all. I want _everything_. Please, please don't hide things from me anymore because you think I can't take them. I can. I need to be the person that takes care of you…not because I see you as weak but because as much of a fucking cliché that this sounds like, I _need_ you to need me. And it bothers me so fucking much that you build this wall around you…this shield to protect yourself when I've done nothing but wear my heart out on my sleeve for you. You don't need to protect yourself from me."

His words are sharp and they sting like millions of paper cuts doused in lemon.

"I wasn't protecting myself from you, I was protecting you from me."

"You were very open at the start of our relationship. I knew what to expect and I went in eyes wide open. You don't get to make the decision of what I can and can't handle."

"I know. I'm sorry." I bow my head in shame because he's right. That's exactly what I've done. I didn't give him or his love that much credit.

"I'm sorry too," He says exhaling a sharp breath. "I have very…irrational fears where you're concerned. I keep waiting for the day you're going to leave me too."

We are in the same place, him and I. Both of us so very much in love and so very afraid.

It's time to let go of our fears.

Making a decision, I stand up, letting the blanket fall from my shoulders. He watches me warily wondering what I will do next. His eyes widen when I kick off my sneakers and pull my top over my head.

Oh the wind is so cold here, even under the shelter of this rock. I can feel its cool fingers against my bare stomach.

"Bella? What are you-?

"I don't want us to be afraid anymore, Edward."

Is that husky voice mine?

He stands up quickly. His hands grasp my upper arms and his Adam's apple bobs as he realizes what I am saying.

"When I brought you…I had no intention…of…_God_ – "

"Shh," I place my finger over his lips, still in awe over my new found confidence. "I know."

His eyes are round and luminous against the backdrop of the moonlight. Here and now is the perfect moment.

"Are you sure? It's cold and…"

"Please, Edward…just kiss me."


	37. Chapter 37

**Edward POV**

She wrecks me with her strength, with her fragile confidence and vulnerable come-hither eyes…she just fucking wrecks me.

I am completely gobsmacked.

I don't know where to touch her first.

I just know I want to desperately.

Needing to put us on equal ground, I quickly shed my coat and pull my sweater over my head, tossing them both on the ground.

It's fucking cold but the flames in her eyes lick at me, heating me and nothing else matters.

She inhales a sharp breath when I trace her jaw line with my thumb and nuzzles into my palm when I cup her cheek with my trembling hand.

This is something I never expected but it's something I realize I want so badly. It's a reaffirmation that we both need. When she had first stood up I was sure that she was going to demand that I take her home…that we were done. It took everything I had not to beg like a fucking girl as I felt the biggest pieces of me being ripped apart.

But she surprises me as she always does.

Dipping my head towards hers, I kiss her. It's hesitant and questioning but when her mouth opens beneath mine, I can't hold back anymore.

Because of the threat of loss still fresh, her mouth and tongue taste all the more sweeter. My fingers move to tangle in the soft threads of her hair, urging her closer to me.

Her delicate hands slide up my chest and I quiver as her cold finger tips arouse my already heated flesh.

I am lost and drowning in a sea of Bella.

After several fumbled attempts, I finally manage to undo the clasp of her bra. Reluctantly, I pull away from her lips so I can watch the slow side of the straps down her arms as they reveal the breasts underneath the black satin.

The inside of my mouth is desert dry as stare at the perfection before me of plump mounds of flesh topped with pink made even more poetically beautiful by the reflection of the moonlit waters dancing on her skin.

"Yes," she whispers, grasping my hands and putting them on her.

Soon my lips follow, replacing my plucking, kneading fingers.

Somehow, we end up on the blanket, skin to skin, flesh to flesh, a tangle of limbs. Blindly, I reach for the other blanket and cocoon it around us.

I have undressed myself thousands of times but this one time is nearly my undoing. My belt slides off with a hiss, button pops and zipper unsheathed. She helps me, pulling down on the pants with awkward tugs.

When she touches me with a tentative hand on the outside of my briefs, I nearly lose it right there and when she reaches inside the cotton and wraps her hand around me…sweet Nirvana.

I must have made some kind of noise because her eyes dart to mine and her fingers release. I stop her and drag her fingers back around me again, thrusting into her palm.

"Don't. It feels so good. You have no idea."

"You sounded like you were in pain." She doesn't sound like she believes me.

"It's the good kind...I swear."

I kiss my way down her body and back up again, tasting everywhere…her dips and crevices, her womanly folds, her gentle curves and the raised scars that prove her strength. Once again, the knowledge that I am truly blessed that she is here right now clogs my throat with emotion. To think there was a chance I could have never had this, the thought nearly suffocates me.

From the very first moment I saw her, my life was tethered to hers. This, now, only strengthens it...solidifies it.

If I ever lost her...

My greedy mouth and hands are everywhere.

I can't get enough.

I'll never get enough.

Pleasing her is my only goal.

And mine is hers.

I can feel it in the way she arches into me.

Writhes beneath me.

She is all exploring hands and embracing limbs.

I am right at the precipice of desire, ready to make the final plunge. Her heat sears me as I move tentatively against her.

My eyes pop open.

I don't have anything with me.

Shit!

"What's wrong?" Her eyes meet mine in a panic and I feel like a complete schmuck.

"I...ah...don't have..."

Oh God, she is arching against me, positioning herself to for me to take her.

I bite my lip.

"No condom," I squeak.

Damn, she feels good. I can't help the shallow, not so innocent thrusts my hips make as the rest of me shakes with strain.

"I'm on the pill," she admits, blushing. "I was put on it...er...after...to...um regulate."

"Thank you...thank you, God."

She giggles beneath me and the vibration of her body against mine rocks me to the core.

I bow my head in relief and kiss her deeply, passionately.

Not wanting to hurt her, I move slowly inside. I feel her clench around me and I almost come right there. She's so tightly clenched around me, I can't think.

"I'm sorry, this may hurt."

"I know. It's okay, Edward. I want this. I want you. Make love to me."

That's all I need to hear.

I push forward, feeling the tearing of small tissue. Hearing her small gasp of pain, my whole body stills even though it nearly kills me to do so.

"Are you okay?"

She nods but her teeth are biting her lip and a tear leaks from the corner of her eye.

"Don't stop. Please."

She wraps her arms and legs around me, showing me with her body it's okay, that she's okay.

I move.

Slowly.

Faster.

Faster still.

There's no rhythm, no co-ordination but it's fucking perfect. She's fucking perfect.

She's making these delicious little noises in the back of her throat that egg me on.

Our slick sweat covered flesh slap together, the noise mimicking the sound of the surf against the rocks. Her moans are louder, closer together and I can feel her tightening around me if that's even possible.

Suddenly, I'm right there; a blinding flash of white light behind my eyes and I am buried deep, surrendering my release.

Collapsing onto her, I nuzzle her neck with harsh, panting breaths. The rise and fall of her chest matches mine and I'm pretty damn sure her heart beats in time with my own thundering heart.

"Next time will be better, I promise," I rasp against her skin.

"This time was perfect...I mean wasn't it? I wasn't..."

The uncertainty that creeps back into her voice startles me. I look up to meet her gaze.

"You were absolutely fucking amazing in every way."

I'm so happy we were each other's first time. My first, my last, my always.

"You too," she says with a warm smile.

"I love you." I kiss her before easing off of her, knowing I have to be crushing her by this point and immediately feel bereft of her warmth.

There is a smear of blood on her thigh and I can't help the feelings of satisfaction and pride that surge through me. Unbidden, I remember what Emmett told me once. _"It's the Star Trek Syndrome…that feeling you get when you went where no man's gone before."_

Yeah, he was right.

Then I remember her aversion to blood and I pale.

"It's fine," She covers my hand with hers, seeing my fear. "It's the good kind...I swear."

* * *

><p>Driving her home is the last thing I want to do right now so I take the roads extra slow. Her hand is firmly locked in mine and the radio plays just the right mix of love songs.<p>

"So are..you...um...okay?" My ears burn as I ask the question. I know she can't be comfortable. I may have been a virgin but I do have a sister. I've heard things...unfortunately.

"A little...er...sore but that's to be expected, I guess."

"I've heard Ibuprofen helps."

Jeesh, just shoot me now. Did I just say that?

She giggles. "Oh yeah, from who, Dr. Cullen?"

"Alice," I admit with a snort. "and Rose."

Bella laughs harder and I laugh with her. It is pretty fucking funny. Though at the time I had to sit through them discussing it in front of me was the epitome of embarrassing situations to say the least.

After kissing her tenderly, I dutifully wait until she is safely in the house. I was tempted to do more than just a brief kiss but I didn't want to risk Charlie opening the door. I don't want to face him just yet.

Yeah, Chief...Just an hour ago I had biblical knowledge of your daughter...Do you want to shoot me now or wait until later?

* * *

><p>Moms have an inherent sixth sense and eyes behind their heads. I found this out at a very young age when I broke a vase in the house with a football like out of some stupid Brady Bunch episode. It was her favorite vase so when she wanted to know who did it, I told her it was Emmett. Technically, it was <em>his<em> ball. I'd just borrowed it.

I'll never forget how Mom's eyes narrowed on me as she sent me to my room and took away all my video games. She had said I wasn't in trouble for breaking the vase. I was in trouble for lying and putting the blame on someone else.

"Emmett has much better aim," she had told me. "and Alice would rather play dress up with her Barbies than pick up a football."

She also knew whenever I was having trouble with the kids at school and when I was thinking about doing something I shouldn't be. So it's a no-brainer that I would try to sneak in the house because one look at me and she would know exactly what I had been up to.

Shutting the front door as quietly as possible, I creep up the stairs avoiding the third one that creeks no matter where you step on it.

"Were you out with Bella?" Mom is peaking her head over the railing and I literally stumble up the step.

Don't look at her. She'll see.

I try to hold back the goofy ass grin that threatens to bust out on my face.

"Yeah," I say, keeping my head ducked.

"Did you eat? There's leftovers in the fridge that I managed to hide from Emmett."

"Thanks, mom," I mumble avoiding all eye contact.

"Are you okay? You seem a little off and is that sand in your hair?

Nervous laughter threatens to erupt and as I shake out my hair with my hand grains of sand go flying.

"Nope, I'm good. We went to the beach."

To dodge any further questioning, I avoid the kitchen altogether and go straight to my room. Food is the last thing on my mind anyway, which is a first for me.

Not the only first for me today.

I had sex today.

With Bella.

I cringe.

Sex is too clinical…to crude sounding a word. Sex was what people did when they didn't care about who they were with. They fucked them, shagged them, 'did' them.

No…I made love with Bella.

We made love together.

"Dude!" Emmett bursts into my room.

"The fuck, Em! Whatever happened to knocking?"

"It's not like you have Bella in here. Did you ask her about…Holy shit!" His eyes bulge as he stares at me wide-eyed before he fully comes into the room, closing the door behind him.

_What the hell?_

I run my hands over my clothes, face and in my hair to make sure I have no weird shit from the beach stuck to me.

"So you and Lil' Bird, huh?" He pulls my desk chair out and sits, watching me closely.

I blush. I can feel full crimson blotchy patches that cover my cheeks.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Oh, come on! Give your big bro some credit here. You have it written all over your face."

Well, that answers that question.

"Just don't make a big deal out of it, okay? I don't want you to embarrass Bella. I'll kick the shit out of you if you do."

"You'd think I'd hurt her that way? I love that girl like a sister."

Em looks genuinely hurt and I immediately feel immediately ashamed. Of course, He wouldn't tease her about this, not when he knows what she's been through.

"I know. I know you do, Em. I'm sorry. I guess I'm just overprotective where Bella is concerned."

"Ya think?" He snorts. "I get it man. We all are."

"So, you wanted to ask me something?"

"You going to give me details?" He looks shocked and a bit dismayed.

"No! Of course not. When you came in my room and scared the crap out of me, you wanted to ask me something."

"Oh, yeah." He slaps himself in the forehead. I swear sometimes he has ADD. "Friday night, the big away game we have against Port A…are you and Bella coming?"

Shit. I forgot to ask her. With my emotions going all over the place this week, I never asked Bella about going to the big baseball game Friday night. Port Angeles was a big rival of Forks and it seemed like the whole school and most parents would be going to show support.

"I'll definitely be there." I tell him. "but I'm not sure of Bella's work schedule. They may want her at the store since Newton is in the game and at least one of his parents will be there."

Trouble is, I really didn't want to go without Bella.

**Bella POV**

I wake with a soreness in between my legs; a blissful reminder that last night really happened. Stretching my arms over my head, I can't help the wide smile on my face.

It was incredible.

_He_ was incredible.

Things could have worked out so differently. I was on the verge of losing him…letting him go, thinking it might be the best way.

I couldn't have been more wrong. He gives me strength. I can see that now. No longer am I afraid, I will pull him down with me. He's the one that pulls me up…the one that makes me want to reach.

Now what we had was stronger.

Now I think I can finally tell him about Phil.

I will.

This weekend.

He needs me to need him, after all.

And I do.

And I have never missed Renee more than I do now. I ache to talk to her, tell her about Edward and what we shared, ask her questions I know she'll give me truthful answers to.

Renee had always been open with me about sex. She gave me "the talk" when I was probably too young to comprehend it but she always encouraged my questions. She even seemed disappointed that it took me forever to "get into boys", as she put it.

I could never talk to Charlie about this...not unless I want to see Edward alive.

Choking back a sob, I uncurl myself and trudge dejectedly into the shower.

Edward greets me outside my house before school by spinning me in a wide circle and finishes off with a hot kiss that leaves me breathless. Thank goodness, Charlie has already left for work.

"How are you feeling this morning?" He asks as he begins to drive.

"Good…great. You?"

His eyes crinkle in the corners as he chuckles. "I don't think a word exists to describe how I feel."

Oh my!

When we get to the parking lot, I see dangling sheets hanging from the windows all with the same theme…all Port Angeles Hurricanes. Some were really creative depicting a drizzle instead of a storm others said Hurricane Category 0 or cardboard signs about Spartan pride.

"They really go nuts for this stuff, huh?"

"More so than last year," he says pulling into a spot. "I think this year we actually have a shot to get to the championships. At least that's what Emmett says." He sighs and reaches for my hand. "He wants us to go to the game Friday night."

"Oh," I chew on my bottom lip. I really want to but Mrs. Newton already told me I had to work. Her whole family is going to the game and I'd be the only one there. She didn't anticipate more than a handful of customers since everyone would most likely be at the game. I'm surprised she actually trusts me running her precious store by myself.

"I can't. The Newton's are keeping the store open. I have to work."

"I figured as much. I'll just tell him we can't go."

"We?" My eyes dart to his in surprise. "No, Edward. It's important that you be there for him."

"What about you?"

"I'll survive. It's not like there won't be other games."

"Are you sure? I can always keep you company." He says it in such a suggestive way that it has me blushing to my toes. "Newton's stocks sleeping bags that fit two."

"It's a very tempting offer, Mr. Cullen. Really, you should go…represent the both of us."

"Represent us, huh? Like we're a team. I like the sound of that."

I do too.

It's hard not to get caught up in the excitement of the upcoming game. The Port Angeles Hurricanes, from what I have learned, are fierce rivals of the Spartans and have been for many generations. Even many of the usually stalwart teachers have taken to wearing some sort of Spartan pride; mostly in the form of a pin attached to their clothing.

"It sucks that Mrs. Newton won't give you the day off," Emmett pouts. "No one is going to be in town anyway. Who's going to be around to buy anything?"

"They're trying to justify the cost of the victory party," Rose chuckles, blowing on her just painted fingernails.

"That's optimistic…considering we haven't beaten them in over ten years," Angela comments drily and shrugs "Well, as long as I get my shots for the school newspaper."

"Make sure you get my good side," Emmett smiles and strokes his cheek, to which he gets a resounding groan.

As the conversation turns to who is going with who tomorrow and at one time, I feel myself shrinking back, bereft that I have nothing to add. I am not included. For the first time I want to be.

Living in Phoenix and everywhere else, I remained so detached from the team spirit of things. I'd preferred it that way. It hits me suddenly, how much I have changed.

Under the table, Edward's hand skates up the length of my thigh and his eyes look at me in just that way he has; smoldering and totally not fit for the cafeteria at school.

It's amazing how much a relationship can alter when you've made that final step. To anyone watching, it always had been obvious that Edward and I were together but beyond stolen kisses in empty hallways and our constant hand-holding, we've never been that overt with the touchy-feely with the PDA until today.

We can't keep our hands off each other.

Anticipating the time when we get to be alone together again, I grimace when Alice calls for a Triple Threat Sundae run after school. Girls only.

Edward groans, burying his head in his arms on the lunch table.

"You have the worst timing ever," he declares, his voice muffled. I think I hear him mumble 'cockblocked' and I choke back a giggle.

* * *

><p>"Okay, spill," Alice asks before shoving a large glob of fudge infused vanilla ice cream into her mouth.<p>

We are at our usual spot, in the back corner with three spoons and a ginormous sundae in the middle of the chipped Formica table.

"Spill?" I question guiltily.

"Edward's been in some sort of funk all week and then suddenly he isn't and you're glowing like a summer-time lightening bug. So, yeah...spill."

Reaching for my glass of water, I take a long swallow, trying to dissuade the rush of heat to my face.

"I knew it!" Alice slams her palm against the table. She has a big grin on her face. "You and my brother. Wow!"

"Yeah, Al, you and _your brother,_" Rosalie says pointedly. "Consider the awkwardness of this conversation."

Alice frowns. "You're right. Forgive me, Bella. Sometimes I can't help myself. I'm just so thrilled for the two of you. You both deserve to be happy and I know Edward is at his happiest with you."

"Thanks. It was a big step for me," I admit, hoping they don't press for any details. What happened at the beach was private, not meant for sharing.

Rose looks at me thoughtfully. "You've come a long way, Swan."

A shadow spreads across our table and we all look up at the same time to see Coach Chase standing there.

"Ladies." He tips his hat. "I hope I see you all at the game tomorrow."

"Oh we'll be there," Alice smiles up at him and then frowns. "except for Bella though."

The coach quickly turns his focus on me and I try not to cower under his direct gaze.

"Oh?" He asks, quirking an eyebrow.

"She has to work, unfortunately."

I want to kick Alice under the table but I refrain. For some reason, I don't want him to know where I'll be. Even if most of the school think he's God's gift to the baseball team, I don't like him. He's a creeper.

"Sorry to hear that, Isabella," he say but he doesn't really look genuinely sorry.

He uses my full name too.

I have an urge to show defiance.

"I'll be there in spirit."

* * *

><p>Tonight is the first night Edward tries to sneak into my room. Charlie has been called away for a "toilet papering incident". I'm lying in my bed, reading, when I hear a tapping noise at my second story window.<p>

Creeping towards the sound with my pepper spray firmly in hand, I pull back the curtain, ready to cause maximum damage to whatever is on the other side of the glass. Quickly I raise the window with one hand and point the small canister with the other.

"Don't shoot!" A voice in the darkness calls out.

"Edward?" I peer out and sure enough, Edward is sitting on a tree branch right outside my window.

"It's me."

"Holy crap! What are you doing? Don't you realize you can hurt yourself?"

"Stand back, I'm coming in."

So I do and he does. Brushing some tree leaves from his hair, he gives me a proud smile.

"You're crazy," I shake my head admonishingly but any reprimand in diffused by the grin on my face.

"Crazy for you."

He swoops me into his arms and presses his lips to mine as he propels us backward. We land on my bed with a giant protest from the squeaking box frame.

"Is it just me," he whispers. "Or does it sound like your mattress is a lot louder?"

"I think Charlie sabotaged it."

He blanches and pulls away from me.

"I'm joking," I laugh, grabbing his shirt to pull him back to me. "Besides Charlie's not home anyway."

"Oh yeah?"

His eyebrow goes up in just that way that makes me tingle.

"Yeah."

* * *

><p>Friday morning I drive myself to school. I contemplate showing up late to the game and surprising everyone. It doesn't start until seven and the store closes at eight. If I time myself just right I can make at least the last half hour or so of the game.<p>

I laugh when I see a bunch of the art students passing out Port Angeles Hurricanes voodoo dolls at the front entrance. I dutifully take mine and go to my locker.

When the last bell rings, there's a mad dash out the doors. Port Angeles is only an our away but I suspect there will be a lot of traffic and there has been some talk of tailgating.

Jasper follows me to Newton's. He's taking Alice and Edward to the game and Edward wants to say his goodbyes there instead of the overcrowded school parking lot.

"I hate that you're not coming with us," He grumbles, wrapping his arms around my waist and pulling me flush against him. "Maybe you can still ditch."

"Not likely. Not when Mrs. Newton is standing at the window watching us."

He grins mischieviously. "Let's give her a good show then."

His lips descend and seize mine.

I am lost.

Lost, at least until a sharp blare of a car horn makes us both jump and separate. Edward scowls in the direction of Jasper's car and Jasper looks back innocently before beeping the horn again.

"Fucker," Edward mutters under his breath. "I'm trying to say goodbye to my girl here!" He shouts towards them.

"Really? Cause it looks like you're trying to suck her face off." Jazz shouts back but he's grinning like a little-kid so I know he's not really annoyed. He's just trying to bust Edward's chops and it looks like it's working.

"You better go," I tell him as I stroke his arm. "The natives are getting restless."

"I'll call you from the game, okay?"

"I'll be here."

He kisses me once more and gets in the back seat of the car, giving Jazz a swat on the back of the head and a wave to me before the car drives off.

Saddened at the sight of them leaving me behind, I lumber towards the front doors of Newton's. Mrs. Newton is tapping her foot on the tiles floor impatiently with her arms crossed.

I glance at the clock on the wall. "Technically, I'm early, Mrs. Newton." I tell her before she has a chance to say anything. She is in a rush to get to Port Angeles too.

She huffs and hands me a small key attached to a Swiss Army Knife key ring.

"It's the key to the gun and knife cabinet," she explains. "I don't want to lose a sale if I'm not here and so far you've proven yourself mature enough to handle the responsibility. Don't make me regret it."

How do I tell her it's not a responsibility I want? It's not a responsibility I'm sure I can even handle.

I don't. Instead, the key sits like a heavy weight in the palm of my hand and I nod.

Deep breaths.

She leaves and I am alone.

Alone with this key and the consuming quiet of the store.

I drop the key ring on the glass counter with a clang, perch the voodoo doll next to it and spread out my school work in front of me.

A half hour later, no one's come in the store and I find my attention drifting towards the key. Steeling my shoulders with resolve, I swoop it up and stalk towards the back of the store and stand in front of the glass encased weapons.

How bad can this be?

Just fit the key in the lock and turn.

It's time to face this fear as well.

Placing the key in the lock, I take a deep, steadying breath and slowly turn until I hear the tell-tale click.

Okay.

Now what, Swan? Are you just going to stand there like an idiot or are you going to open the damn thing?

Closing my eyes, I open the door. It's an anti-climatic moment. Nothing jumps out at me, no fireworks go off, there is no loud screaming. It's just guns and knives, sitting innocuously in their encasements. Absently my hand reaches out to stroke the handle of a hunting knife.

The bell over the door indicating someone just walked into the store sounds off. Guiltily, I jump and hurry to shut and lock the cabinet, shoving the key into my jeans pocket.

I walk to the front of the store and it's empty.

Strange.

"Hello? Can I help you?" I call out.

No one answers. I hear nothing...nothing but the sound of my own breathing.

Maybe I just imagined the bell?

Scanning the area, I notice my voodoo doll is gone from the counter and I gasp, suddenly afraid. Now the bells I hear are ones of warning, inside my head.

Looking at the front door, I wonder if I should leave.

Am I letting my fears get the better of me?

"Hello, Isabella."

I pivot around and gasp at what I see before me.

This can't be happening.

He's here!

Phil is here.

Smirking at me with his head cocked to one side...taunting me silently.

What were ripples of fear are now full blown waves of terror.

"Did you miss me? I missed you." He stalks closer and I am so petrified, I can't move. "I've been waiting for this for a long time."

His hand reaching towards me propels me into motion. I back up towards the door, not wanting to turn my back to him.

Just a few feet. If I can only make it those few feet, I can run. I can scream.

Hands tightly grasp my shoulders from behind.

"Enough with the reuniting, brother. It's time to go."

That voice!

I know that voice.

Coach Chase!

Brother?

I struggle in his grasp and watch as Phil advances slowly, a victorious smile on his face.

No!

Using the coach's hands on my arms as leverage, I kick both feet out catching Phil in the diaphragm. As he reels backward clutching his chest and gasping for breath, I ram by head backwards against Chase's chin with a hard smack. The effect is dizzying but I have no time to succumb. Since he is blocking my only exit, I run towards the counter, my body flying on top of it, scattering it's contents on the floor in a desperate move to find the panic button underneath.

C'mon, c'mon! Where is it? Where the fuck is it?

With one hand under the counter, trying desperately to find the button, I blindly throw a hard cover school book hoping to do some damage. A hand grasps my foot and I kick out violently trying to scramble to the other side. It pulls me backwards and I grab the glass side but I can feel my fingers losing their grip and I am thrown on the floor.

Your voice is a weapon.

I hear Jasper's instruction in my head.

I scream.

"Shut her up!"

From my peripheral, I see a baseball bat swinging towards my head like a golf club.

Pain.

Darkness.


	38. Chapter 38

**A/N - **I know. Big cliffhanger the last chapter. Here's a new chapter for you. See, I didn't keep you hanging on that precipice too long, right?

* * *

><p><strong>Bella POV<strong>

The world slowly comes into focus punctuated by a thousand battalion drums beating against my skull and nauseous waves in my stomach. I see green and brown and black moving in a blur beneath me. I blink and the colors become grass and dirt and sneakers.

_Sneakers?_

It is then I realize I am hanging upside down and moving. No, not moving. I am being carried like a sack of potatoes. I can feel a hard shoulder pressing into my stomach with each step.

What the…?

The not so distant memory comes rushing back.

Phil.

Coach Chase.

A golf club.

No._ A baseball bat_.

My scream gets stuck in the cloth that's been shoved in mouth. My whole body rears, squirming, twisting, fighting. I use my tied up hands to pound at the body carrying me.

The grip on me tightens brutally, hard blunt nails dig into my thighs and I buck against it, grunting, wide eyed in fear. I sound pathetic to my own ears.

Pathetic and weak.

I feel the rumble of dark, menacing laughter against me…through me.

"Not so brave now, are you little girl?"

"Hurry up, Phil. I have a game to get to." I hear Chase call from a distance. "Can't have the good townsfolk get suspicious why the star coach is late, can we?"

I struggle harder as Phil picks up the pace. Whatever they have planned is not good. Are they going to kill me or do they want to play with me first? Either way, they don't intend for me to get out alive. This much I know.

Don't panic, I tell myself.

_Be smart and play it cool. _

_Concentrate on your surroundings._

_Look for opportunities to escape_.

Once again, remembering Jazz's words are a small balm to my frenetic internal ramblings. But I'm not a compass. I don't know if we are moving North, South, East or West. I don't know how long I was unconscious for or how far we travelled or even _how_ we travelled. I can't lift my head and all I can see is the Godforsaken ground.

Breathe, Bella. Just fucking breathe.

The grass and dirt layering the ground now turn to wooden floor boards. We are inside and suddenly I am upright, on my feet for only a second before I am pushed into a hard wooden back chair.

A rope is wound around me.

Once.

Twice.

Three times before it's tied so tightly around my chest, it hurts to take a breath. At least my hands are still in front of me, tied as they may be and I'm not blindfolded.

I stare defiantly up at the duo, who are watching me with their arms crossed in front of their chests and amused expressions on their faces.

Phil reaches over and yanks the cloth from my mouth.

"You can scream but no one's going to hear you."

_Your voice is a weapon._

Swallowing to bring some moisture into my mouth, I let out the loudest scream I can muster.

I don't even see the hand coming; the one that backhands me across the cheek causing my head to jerk back and my eyes to water. Licking the side of my mouth I taste blood and I think I can feel my eye swelling.

Biting back fear, I spit the blood from my mouth and stare mutinously at them. I feel a small measure of satisfaction at the large purple bruising and swelling on Chase's chin.

At least I got him good.

Seeing the two of them together, side by side, stirs a distant memory. A flash of a picture behind a wall of glass. Two blonde boys in baseball uniforms, each holding bats with wide smiles; each with the same chiseled chin with the indent in the middle.

"You're brothers," I manage. My voice is hoarse and my throat is dry.

"Half brothers, actually." Phil pats Chase on the back. "Dear old Dad had an affair. If it wasn't for baseball, we would have never found out about each other."

Of course. That accounts for different last names. The information can be useful. I stow the information for future use.

"Behave yourself, Phil." Chase is opening the door and backing out. "I'll be back in a few hours. You can have fun then."

He slams the door, making me jump.

I am alone with Phil now . Alone with the madman that is the cause for all my fears.

"What's in a few hours?" I ask but I am afraid to hear the answer.

He leans in so close; I have to turn away from his hot, putrid breath.

"You and I, we're going on a little road trip."

Suddenly my fear is a lot harder to keep at bay. My stomach rolls and I vomit all over him.

"Stupid bitch!" He jumps back, disgusted, the contents of my stomach dripping from his shirt onto the floor right before he back hands me again.

I know no more.

**Edward POV**

I don't think there's been this much traffic on the one-oh-one since like...ever. In front of us are a long line of cars that extend around the tree-lined curves. Someone's feet stick out of the window of the car in front of us, bopping in tune with the God-awful music blaring from their stereo system.

Jazz turns his radio up. It's some old school punk song. I think it's the Sex Pistols.

Yup, it's the Pistols. No one can totally punkify the old Monkees "I'm Not Your Stepping Stone" like Johnny Rotten.

"I'm texting Mom. We're supposed to meet Mom and Dad for dinner before the game but I don't think we're going to make it," Alice turns to look at me and announces over the music.

"They probably won't make it either."

Not if they're stuck in this like we are. Didn't anyone ever hear of car-pooling? I hope the traffic isn't like this on the way home. Bella will be waiting for me and I don't want to keep her waiting too long.

We finally pull in to the Port A Civic Center and end up having to park what seems like a mile from the field entrance. Mom has texted us that they are already there and have saved us seats.

Well fuck me.

How the hell did they manage to get here so fast when Dad drives like Mr. Magoo half the time?

I hear our names being called and I look up, scanning the seats. Mom is waving us over and damn if it isn't Charlie Swan sitting with them.

"We ran into Chief Swan in town and he was gracious enough to give us a ride," Mom says as we sit down.

"It's Charlie, please," Bella's dad blushes. "It was no trouble and I happen to know a few shortcuts."

Now I know where Bella gets this trait from but then again I've seen my mom extract blushes from the most stalwart of people. Usually though, it's when she gets all parental and admonishing.

"I would've never thought to take the 112. We bypassed all the 101 traffic until the very end," Dad says.

Of, course the chief of police would know a few traffic tips. I wonder if he broke any speeding laws along the way. Still, it's funny picturing mom and dad in the back of a police cruiser.

It's ten to seven and the coach still hasn't arrived. There's angry grumblings around us about a possible forfeit and everyone is watching the gate for signs of Coach Chase's arrival.

From my seat, I can see Newton talking animatedly in the dug-out and a sense of relief overtaking the rest of the team. Hoping Emmett has his phone with him, I text him.

_What's up?_

_Nothing. Coach just pulled in. Apparently face planted into his steering wheel when a wild animal jumped in front of his car and he braked short._

Huh.

There's clapping when Chase walks towards the field. He bows with a smile and holy shit if his chin isn't purple and twice the size.

"He really should get that checked out," Dad, ever the doctor, mumbles under his breath.

Charlie chuckles. "Gotta admire a man who has his priorities in order."

We're over an hour into the game. Forks is winning but only by a couple of runs. Our side of the bleachers is tensely optimistic.

I've sent Bella a couple of videos of Emmett at bat and one of him catching the ball but she hasn't replied to any of my emails. When I call her, I get her voice mail.

Maybe I'm just paranoid but I can't help shake the feeling that something is really wrong. Bella can't be that busy where she is unable to answer the phone or respond. Maybe the battery in her phone died. I call the store number and it just rings and rings.

I'm really starting to panic now until I realize it's after eight and the store closed about fifteen minutes ago. Trying her home phone, I get Charlie's dry voice on the machine.

She still could be en route. Bella drives kind of like my dad. Putting my phone in my pocket, I decide to wait another ten minutes before really freaking out.

I don't have to wait that long apparently as Charlie abruptly rises in the bleachers, ignoring the shouts behind him to sit down.

"What!" He shouts into the phone.

Alice, Jazz, Rose and I take equal turns giving worried looks to each other.

"And her truck?...Get everyone available down there pronto and I want search and rescue teams set up and ready to go. I'm on my way."

The red flags in my head rise and wave furiously, backed by an internal siren alarm blaring. I look at Charlie and he's looking at me with the most panicked eyes I've ever seen before he turns away.

He snaps his phone shut and begins to push through the sitting sea of legs. My dad pulls on his sleeve, asking him what's wrong. He bends down and whispers something long, fast and angrily in my dad's ear. Dad immediately stands up.

What scares me the most is the sympathetic look he is giving me.

Why?

I feel dizzy, claustrophobic and I have to remind myself to breathe.

Breathe, Edward. Just fucking breathe.

"Dad?" Alice's voice sounds like how I feel; scared and uncertain. She senses something off too.

"Let Charlie pass, Al. We'll follow him out and I'll explain then." His voice is low and somber; the same voice I've heard him use with family members of patients that are beyond saving.

I want to ask him what he means but my throat is too tight and my voice doesn't want to work.

As Charlie passes me, he gives me a solemn look before turning away and coughing into his fist. He grips my shoulder with his other hand giving it a tight squeeze.

Curious stares follow us as we shuffle out of the stands. Charlie walks briskly ahead and suddenly I feel like I'm in a funeral march. He's on the phone with Mrs. Newton, telling her to calm down. He's angry at her though, I think. When he hangs up, he mutters a few choice words about her being a selfish bitch.

The pieces are starting to fit together making me want to vomit. I stumble, tripping over my own feet and the weight I feel pressing down on my chest. Mom catches me and puts her arm around my shoulders. Whatever she is trying to whisper in my ear is trying to be soothing only I can't hear it above the roar in my own head.

Like a somber human convoy, we make it out to the parking lot and Charlie lets loose. He slams his hand on the hood of the closest car and his face is contorted in pain. I don't think it's from his hand.

"Charlie, just go. I'll explain to my children," Dad orders him not unkindly.

He averts his gaze, swipes his thumb over his eye and nods just once. He turns to me and his eyes lock on mine.

"It's going to be okay kid," he says, his voice gruff with emotion before he jogs off.

"What's going on?" It's the first time since this started that I heard Jasper speak. He is completely still but has the appearance he is moving.

Before my father can answer him, the Newtons come storming out of the park. Mrs. Newton looks livid and Mr. Newton is trying to calm her down.

"Where did Chief Swan disappear to?" She's indignant in her anger and I want nothing more to shout at her.

"Gail, calm down." Mr. Newton tells her.

""No, Michael, I will not calm down. Not when our livelihood is on the line and it's all that girls fault."

"Now wait just a damn minute." Mom rears up to her full height, her eyes flashing in anger. "It is not Bella's fault."

That's it. I snap.

Grabbing my hair, I shout. "Would someone please tell me what _the fuck_ is going on?"

I don't even care that I've cursed in front of my mother.

Dad grabs my arm, pulling me aside gently but firmly. My chest is heaving and I struggle to take a breath. Something happened with Bella and no one's telling me anything. It's exactly like the night my parents died; all sympathetic looks and trite words of comfort but no one wanted to say the words.

"Just tell me, please." My head bows in defeat, my fists clench at my sides and I wait for the death blow. One tear slips down the side of my nose. I watch it fall and splatter on the blacktop.

"It looks like there may have been a robbery at Newton's Outfitters. They don't know if anything has been taken but son-" He sighs heavily and I feel his hand on my shoulder. "Bella's gone."

I raise my head slowly to meet his direct gaze.

There must be something wrong with my hearing. Bella's gone? The words loop around in my brain but nothing is connecting.

"What do you mean..._gone_?" The word tastes like acid on my tongue.

"The officer on scene told Charlie it looks like there was a struggle and Bella's truck was still in the lot. They think she may have been taken."

Taken? Taken from everyone that loves her? Taken from me?

From a distance, I hear Rose shriek and Alice sob her denials. Was mom telling them the same thing? It has to be a mistake…yes, that's it. A giant misunderstanding. God couldn't be that cruel.

Only I know he can be.

No, no no! I press my palms against my ears, violently shaking my head back and forth. This can't be happening. Not again.

"NO!" My shout of denial echoes into the night; a piercing, ragged sound that sends the birds flying out from their nests in the trees. "It's a mistake. It has to be." My voice is harsh, broken and foreign to my own ears.

"I'm sorry, son."

I don't want his apologies. I want Bella. My Bella.

My tongue begs to call him a liar, ask him why is he punishing me like this but my lips won't or can't form the words.

I feel my legs give out on me and my knees come down hard on the cold pavement. I don't even feel it.

My heart's just been ripped out of my chest after all.

**Bella POV**

A frigid splash of cold water cascading over my face and chest startles me back into consciousness.

"Wake up!"

I jerk, my body lurching forward. The chair tips but rights itself into place. Lifting my head slowly, I take stock of my surroundings through blurry vision. I think my eyes may be swollen shut because my vision is reduced to only small slits.

It's a sparsely furnished cabin with a very small kitchen area connecting to a living area. I see the front door with bolted locks and another door to the side, probably the bathroom.

A hunting cabin, maybe?

Flexing my fingers, I try to bring back the feeling in them as I struggle to find a way to get out of this.

"I have to pee." My mouth is sandpaper dry and my jaw is swollen making it hurt to talk. It doesn't matter. Talking is the only weapon I have available, so I bite back the pain.

Phil looks at me warily and I squirm in my chair trying to simulate the dance of a full bladder. He changed his shirt, I notice.

"You think I don't know that trick?"

"I'll go in my pants if I have to," I snap. "I don't care. You're just going to have to deal with the smell of urine until your brother gets back."

"Fine but if you try anything, we're going to have a little fun if you know what I mean."

When I recoil in revulsion, he laughs.

"I won't."

He unties the rope around my body and then my feet. I am tempted to kick him then but the front door is locked and I won't be able to escape without a key. Fighting him is not an option right now.

Grabbing my elbow, he half drags me towards the bathroom. The circulation hasn't come back to my legs yet so I struggle not to fall.

He thrusts me into the room.

"Make it quick."

"I kind of need my hands." I indicate with my head to rope that binds my wrists. Red is visible under the white from chafing against them.

"You'll have to make due." He laughs at his own joke and closes the door most of the way, leaving it open a crack.

It's not much privacy but I'll take it. It's better than the alternative and right now I'm not in any position to make demands.

There is only a single bare bulb that hangs from the ceiling, a rust stained sink with dripping water and a toilet that has seen better days. What there isn't, is any windows.

With my movements limited by my bound hands, I wriggle my pants down. That's when I feel it. The lump in my pocket. It's the gun cabinet key. The one attached to the Swiss Army Knife keychain. I had my weapon. Now I just needed to put it where it was accessible.

I can't concentrate on anything but my escape. If I think about anything else, I'll be lost. Then I will lose.

"Time's up," he calls out.

Quickly I tuck the knife up my sleeve on the inside part of my arm and pray.

* * *

><p>I stare him down, schooling my face into a mask of cool derision. He stares back; his own gaze cold and unblinking, like a shark.<p>

Keep him talking, I think to myself. If he's talking, he can't be doing anything else.

"Why are you doing this? You could be living it up on some donkey farm in Mexico by now."

"I didn't miss your smart mouth at all."

He's not going to derail me. "Why?" I'm not asking about my smart mouth.

"You're a loose end, Isabella. I don't like things that are left..._untidy_, if you recall."

No, he didn't. Renee spent hours keeping the house perfect and everything in it's place; all ninety degree angles and symmetrically balanced. It was the polar opposite of how Renee liked to live.

"The police already know you did it."

"Do they? I seem to recall you were the only witness. If you're not around to testify." He shrugs, the implication clear.

"That may have worked if you didn't disappear."

"Funny thing about that. I walked in the house to see my wife dead and my step-daughter nearly there. I was so distraught, I couldn't think. I ran out to get help. Only I fell and hit my head. When I woke up I had no idea what happened...in fact, I had no idea what my name is. They call it retrograde amnesia brought on by a traumatic event."

"No one is going to believe you."

"Oh, I think they will. You see I had a few months to perfect the story."

A few months. He's been holing up with Chase. Why was he helping him? Were they that united a front or could they be divided somehow? Was Chase as deranged as his brother obviously was?

"Kidnapping is a serious crime. I'm surprised your brother...excuse me..._half_ brother is helping you."

Phil chuckles, lights a cigarette and blows the smoke in my face. "Yeah, well he owes me one."

Since when did Phil smoke? He was so crazy about treating his body like a "temple", as he used to put it.

"Must have been a pretty big favor you did for him."

"Oh it was." He leans in closer. "I helped him cover up a murder."

The words are sinister but there is a message underneath it. If I thought Chase was the weak link, I could just forget about it.

_Stop! Keep him talking._

"Murder?" It surprises me how calm my voice sounds.

He exhales and blows out a slow stream of smoke. I watch it curl in the air and hover over our heads.

"Dear old dad." He shakes his head with a sadistic grin. "Jimmy killed the bastard. Called me in a panic and told me what he had done. Being the good big brother that I am, I helped him get rid of the body, made it looked like a robbery gone bad and dumped him in a dark alley on the bad side of town."

"And the police never questioned you or him about it?"

"No one knew he was my brother. It was a big fat dirty secret so he had no ties to the old man. The only one who knew was his mother and she was six feet under at the time. And me? Well, Jimmy gave me an airtight alibi. See? Neat and tidy, just the way I like it."

This is pure unadulterated Phil, I realize. Not the charming, watered down version he gave Renee and tried to pull off on me. No, this Phil is a different animal entirely. He's coarse, brutal and just plain crazy.

"You're one sick freak, you know that?"

"Shh." He holds his finger to his lips and winks. "It'll be our little secret."

I want to be far, far away from this place...from him. God only knows what he has planned for me.

"We're going to have a lot of fun, you and I before I kill you," He says gleefully as he gets up and pulls a bottle and glass from the dilapidated cabinet in the kitchen area.

He pours himself a hefty serving of the amber liquid and drinks in one long swallow. Swiping his mouth with the back of his hand he turns to look at me again.

"Don't worry. I'll teach you how to please me. That was the big problem with your mother, you know. Can't teach an old dog new tricks. But you..." he steps closer and trails his finger down my arm making me shiver in revulsion. "Sweet, untouched, Isabella. Yeah, I can teach you quite a bit."

Trying in vain to wrench myself from his grasp, I feel the tears that I held back for so long finally make their way down my cheeks. They choke me, making my throat burn.

"I was worried when Jimmy said you spent quite a bit of time with that boy, Edward Cullen but then he assured me that you were still unpracticed...a virgin. You don't know how that made my day. I thought I was just going to have to kill you. Now I get to fuck you first."

Edward. Oh God, Edward. His name should never be spoken by such vile lips. What I wouldn't give to be in Edward's arms right now. Does he know I'm missing...that I've been taken?

It would destroy him. I know this as sure as I am breathing.

But something Phil has said has taken root and resonated, giving me the smallest amount of hope. He wants me because he thinks I'm a virgin.

"You're too late," I bite out through my teeth. "That ship already sailed a few days ago."

The expression in his face is priceless. It goes from gleeful to purple with rage in two seconds flat.

"I don't believe you!" He shouts, throwing his glass against the wall. I flinch at the spray of shards rebounding back at us. One small but sharp sliver falls in my lap. Easing my hand over it, I hide it from his view. It's something else I can use.

There's a beeping sound coming from the old wooden table and Phil's attention swiftly focuses on it. It's his phone, I realize when he picks it up and reads the screen.

"Looks like our departure time has been pushed back. To avoid suspicion, Jimmy is involved in a search party looking for you."


	39. Chapter 39

**Edward POV**

My fingertips claw at the ground, nails scrape and bloods seep from my fingertips. Frantically, I gulp for air, deep sharp draws of breath that never make it to my oxygen deprived lungs. Hunched over and heaving on the ground, I wretch over and over but nothing but spittle comes out of my mouth. I can't tell if I am screaming her name out loud or if it's just in my head.

Out loud I think. I hear it echo back to me; an eerie, heart wrenching call with no return answer.

Two strong hands grip me underneath my armpits and drag me upwards until I am standing on Jello-O legs. Wrenching free from the grip, I stumble away and wrap my arms around myself.

I feel dead…lost…adrift, alone and so, so cold.

Disjointed fragments of conversation ricochet around me and my ravaged fingertips dig deeper and deeper into my scalp.

"…Tell Emmett…"

"…the game…"

"Screw the game…"

"…Edward…alright?"

"…needs…sedative…"

"no…snap out…own."

"…who…done this?"

"…get…police…Charlie…help…"

What's with all of the discussion? Why aren't we moving? Going back to Forks? To help? To find Bella?

"Shut up!" I shout pressing my fingers into my temples. "Will everyone just shut the fuck up!"

There's complete silence as five sets of eyes lock on me. They look startled...scared. I can only imagine what they are thinking as they watch me like I am some sort of wounded wild animal. Even dad has his hand out, palm side up, like any sudden movements will make me attack.

At this point, I don't know. I just might.

"Whatever you need, son."

He says it in that placating way he has that makes me feel like I'm one stop away from an inpatient program in the mental hospital.

The analogy is not far off the mark.

I don't remember the ride back to Forks but I must've gotten in the car somehow because suddenly we are pulling into the police station. Charlie is issuing orders in rapid fire succession. It's hard to wrap my head around all of it.

He's calling for road blocks, helicopters, assistance from police departments in townships up and down the entire area. He's even yelling for the Mounties to get involved in case whoever has her makes a break for the border.

With each order my breath becomes progressively shallow until I am dizzy, swaying on my feet.

"Chief, should we have the Coast Guard on standby in case we need to drag the waterways?"

There is no sound, just a suffocating silence.

Time stops.

Everything happens in Quentin Tarantino style slow motion then. A coffee cup falls and crashes to the floor. Charlie turns his head and yells something my befuddled brain can't comprehend or more accurately doesn't want to. My legs, which have been barely able to keep an upright position, collapse under me. I see the panicked face of my dad as blurred hands reach out to grab me.

Jasper's storm gray eyes swim in front of my face and I can hear his voice coming into focus, kind of like when you're trying to tune in a station on the radio.

"You need to focus, Eddie. Freaking out is not going to help Bella."

He's so fucking right.

Bella.

Enough of my drama queen antics. I can break down later when I have her in my arms again. Not now.

Now, I need to do what Jasper said and focus.

I sit up.

How the hell did I get on this bench?

* * *

><p>The game is called early once Rosalie told Emmett what happened. He's pissed. He storms into the police station demanding why no one told him. There are actually tears in his eyes.<p>

I can't remember the last time I saw him cry.

It makes the pain even worse.

He spots me sitting on the hard wooden bench, bent over holding myself. Crouching down in front of me, I see anger in his jaw and sympathy in his eyes.

"How you holding up?"

The only thing I can manage is a violent shake of my head. I don't trust myself to speak. The floodgates will open again.

_Hold it together, Cullen._

"It's going to be okay, Eddie boy. They'll find her."

I sniffle and nod, wiping the back of my hand against my nose.

They better.

Charlie decides to organize search parties now that everyone from town is coming back from the game. We all drive home to get ready for the long night ahead. It's cold here at night and mom insists we are dressed warmly.

In the car, we pass Newton's Outfitters. Two police cruisers are parked haphazardly in the lot and glaring yellow police tape cordon off the area.

"Stop the car!" I shout. This is where Bella was last. I have to see it.

"Edward, I don't think-"

"Please Dad. I have to."

Mom lets out a broken sigh. "Pull over, Carlisle."

The car doesn't even come to a full stop before I am out the door, running full tilt, under the police tape. I come to an abrupt stop at the open doorway.

Mrs. Newton is looking at the complete horror show around her in shock, her fingers twitching at her sides. Mr. Newton is talking to a cop, his head bowed in regret. What hits me the most is the numbered evidence markers that line the floor next to Bella's belongings; her schoolbooks, her phone, her backpack. What makes my heart stop in my chest is that one of those evidence markers sits over a small puddle of brownish red by the glass counter.

My stomach heaves. Tears burn. Words of denial die on my lips.

Is it her blood? Or her attacker's?

I must've made a noise because I feel mom's hands gripping my shoulders and Mrs. Newton looks up at me and gasps.

Slowly, she approaches me, shaking her head, her hand covering her mouth.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean-"

"Save it," I snarl. I'm in no mood for forgiveness.

"Edward," Mom admonishes me.

"Sorry." I sound contrite but the apology is insincere. This woman's first concern was for her store. Not her employee. _Not Bella_.

"Do you know if the police were able to find anything here, Gail? Mom asks her. "Can they pull anything from the security cameras?"

Mrs. Newton's eyes dart nervously to the ground. "I didn't have any." Her voice is barely a whisper. "Charlie told us to get them but well..." She shrugs. "Nothing ever happens here."

_Until now._

She doesn't say it but she doesn't have to.

I wonder if her excuses sound as lame to her ears as they do to mine.

I've seen enough...heard enough. There's nothing here that can help me, nothing that can bring her back. Just broken pieces of Bella's life here scattered on the floor.

Hours later I am knee deep in forest, searching in the cold with a flashlight, screaming out Bella's name. There are at least ten other people in our search party group doing the same, each group headed by one of Charlie's officers.

I hear the sound of helicopter propellers over the trees and see its huge bright spotlight, rotating along the forest floor. It reminds me of the lights under a circus tent, only I am unsure if I am the tight rope artist, balancing on a thin rope or part of the audience watching in anticipation, waiting for him to fall.

The whole town of Forks seems to have banded together for the search; angered that such a crime could be committed in their sleepy little town to someone so undeserving.

_See Bella? See how you've affected everyone around you? You _are_ worth it. Please, just...just stay alive._

Angela has created a missing person poster for Bella and Mrs. Newton, who became immediately contrite after her own son yelled at her as I later found out, agreed to use her copy machine to print out hundreds of posters. Newton has my respect now. I still don't like him but he has my respect.

Along with the posters of Bella, Charlie also has Phil's picture circulated. He's pretty sure he was the one that grabbed her. He's the only one with motive. How he would have managed to make it up here as a wanted man, I don't know.

Phil Dwyer is public enemy number one now.

I think Charlie might shoot him on sight and damn the consequences.

I would too if I had a gun.

Now that Phil's picture is public, questions are asked and rumors circulate. I hear them all around me. Bella's secret, the one she tried so carefully to keep hidden, is out; the night of horror, her mother's death, how Bella herself almost died and the man that was responsible for it all.

She would hate this. Hate the attention, the sympathy, the speculation. Her past has been laid bare.

_It's okay, Bella. We love you. It wasn't your fault. Everyone knows that. We'd all tell you. Just come home safe...alive...just come home._

Young and old alike, are broken out into groups spread out over the wide area of the forests. Even the Quileute tribe offer their assistance, allowing us to search their land side by side with them.

The effect of the sound of all of our voices calling for her, one after the other is chilling. Would we even hear her through our own voices if she answered back?

Jasper and Alice flank my sides probably afraid I'll lose it again.

But I am focused on my mission. There is only one outcome I'll allow.

"Has any one seen the coach?" Jasper asks darting his flashlight around.

"He was here just a minute ago." I look around for Coach Creep wondering why Jasper is so interested.

Fuck him if he got lost. I got more important shit on my mind than looking after a wayward baseball coach.

My spidey senses begin to tingle.

Wasn't _Phil_ a baseball coach?

_You're losing it Cullen. That's a pretty long stretch of coincidence, even for you._

"What are you thinking Jazz?" Alice asks him.

He shrugs, scratching his jaw. "Not sure yet. Maybe nothing."

_But maybe something?_

* * *

><p><strong>Bella POV<strong>

His back is to me, searching through scarred wooden cabinets when I make my move. I let the Swiss Army Knife slide down my arm into my palm as I tap my feet to cover the sound. He is oblivious, humming gleefully to himself as he uses an old can opener to open a can of something.

Slowly, I open the knife and begin to work on the ties that bind me. I am too desperate to be afraid of it. How ironic that the thing that was responsible for scarring me may prove to be my only salvation.

The smell of chili permeates the air from the pot on the hot plate. My traitorous stomach growls even as it rolls in revulsion. In my haste, I slice my wrist and bite back a hiss of startled pain. It no longer matters. I am scarred anyway. One more won't make a difference.

He stirs the pot with vigor, paying me no attention. In this moment I don't exist for him and for that I am grateful. He doesn't seem worried though and that frightens me.

My hands are free and I slowly reach down to work on my ankles. The cutting is easier now and the knife is sharp. I tear through the last of the bonds.

I am free.

_Now what?_

My eyes dart around the room looking for something, anything. I see the liquor bottle on the table.

_Too far._

The floorboards will creak. I gage the distance between him and the table and me and the table. Could I get to it before him?

His legs are longer.

Damn it.

The weight of the small knife is a comfort in my shaking grip.

"I'm disappointed you ruined my plans," he says as he dumps the lumpy chili into a plastic bowl. "But I'm sure I'll find a way that you can make it up to me."

He states it so conversationally, like there is absolutely nothing wrong with this, it makes my skin tingle.

Very carefully, I stand up from the chair and move behind it, grabbing it with one hand.

_Everything is a potential weapon._

"They are going to find you, you know. They probably already figured out it was you," I say with more bravado than I feel.

_Don't show fear._

He turns around and his sadistic grin turns into an angry glower when he sees what I've done. Then he laughs. The effect is chilling.

"Do you really think you can escape? That the chair can protect you from me?"

"Do you really think your brother will come back?" I counter. "He'll leave you to the wolves. He's too busy covering his own ass. He left you stuck here without a car, in the middle of no man's land. How far do you think you'll get?"

That swipes the smile right off his face.

"You bitch! You know nothing of what my brother will do for me."

"Let's face it, Phil," I sneer. "He's out there pretending to search for me but he won't be back. It's too risky. He doesn't want to go to jail for you. You're on your own now."

I attack where it hurts and I can see the doubt on his face.

_United they stand, divided they fall. Isn't that how the old saying goes?_

He stalks closer.

I grip the chair harder.

I can hear my heartbeat pounding so hard now.

I can also feel the adrenaline brought on by terror. I read once that a mother was able to lift a car with one hand to get her trapped child out from under it all because of an adrenaline surge. I really hope that wasn't an urban legend. I could use that type of strength now.

He's closer now.

Only a few feet away.

I make my move.

Throwing the chair with all my might, I don't watch and wait for it to make contact.

I run.

To the door.

And pull.

And pull.

It door rattles in the frame, partially lifting the molding.

"C'mon! C'mon! C'mon"

It won't open.

I yank harder and glance behind me.

Phil is recovering from the blow, shaking his head. He is on his hands and knees.

I run to the window, shoving the knife in my pocket, blade open. It digs into my thigh.

Grabbing the bottom edge, I yank upwards. The window doesn't budge. It's not locked but it's painted shut.

Damn it!

Taking my elbow, I ram it hard into the glass.

It shatters.

Feeling the broken glass pierce my palms as I grab the sill, I look behind me once again before I lift off.

Phil's up.

He's smiling again.

I see why.

In his hand, I see the glistening edge of a long hunting knife and my reflection in the blade.

The scene is terrifying familiar.

I remember everything.


	40. Chapter 40

**A/N - **Some violence in this chapter. It's not too over the top but I wanted to give a warning, just in case.

* * *

><p><strong>Bella POV<strong>

_Screams. One on top of the other like a wild cacophony of sound that has no beginning, no end. _

_Over that horrible sound, music plays. Blaring and distorted._

_It doesn't fit the song._

_Patsy Cline's "I Fall to Pieces" is meant to be soft, crooning not loud, not crackly._

_My head pounds but I pry open my eyes and I see her through blurry slits. She is in fetal position on the floor, whimpering now. Trying so hard to claw her way up._

_"Mom?" I sound broken, teary and foreign._

_She lifts her head weakly from the floor, her eyes are full of pain and begging. A dark bruise mars her cheek._

_"Run, Bella. Get out while you can," she whispers._

_I shake my head violently. My vision spins and my head throbs._

_Glancing around the room, Phil is nowhere to be found but I hear drawers opening and metal clanking from the kitchen._

_Fighting back the urge to pass out, I crawl over to her and try to lift her by her arm pits._

_"C'mon, mom. We have to leave quickly."_

_"My leg. I think it's broken. You go. Get help."_

_"Not without you. Please. Oh God, Mom, I'm sorry."_

_"Oh, baby girl," she sobs. "None of this is your fault. Don't you dare think it is. It's mine. All mine. Go. Save yourself. _

_Her body is dead weight in my arms and the phone is in pieces on the floor. _

_What can I do?_

_I hook my arms tighter under her and panting with exertion, lift her to a sitting position._

_"I'm going to have to drag you out of here. Whatever you do, do not scream."_

_"Remember I love you, Bella. No matter what. I'm sorry...so, so sorry."_

_I want to cry at her words but I ignore them for the time being. I am too focused on my goal._

_The door is only about ten feet away but it may as well be miles. Summoning what little strength I have, I begin to haul her towards salvation._

_Almost there. Just a few more feet to go._

_"Where do you think you're going?"_

_Holding back my own scream, I look up. Phil is there, silhouetted by the back lighting of the kitchen, his eyes menacing and a butcher knife held high in his hand. _

_It's futile, I know but I try to move quicker anyway, grunting with exertion. Phil reaches us in just a few strides. He backhands me against the face and I fly into the wall again._

_Renee curses at him, insults him even as she tries to scramble up. She never sees it coming but I do._

_The knife he is holding bears down again and again. He never says a word. He is just a rage filled, robotic killing machine. Her screams turn to whimpers turn to gurgles. _

_I want to scream, to release the agony of what I'm seeing but my voice is paralyzed. Nothing comes out but a soft, high pitch of breathless air._

_Renee is beyond saving now. I watch the life slowly leave her eyes and blood trickle slowly out the side of her mouth. _

_Phil turns to me, the once clean knife now dripping with my mother's blood. I can see my reflection in the knife mirrored back at me through haze of red._

_Knowing that I am next propels me into action. I crab crawl backwards away from him, too afraid to turn my back on the monster. He slashes down and I throw my arms up to block, feel the blood slick blade slice through my shirt, slice my skin._

_He repeats the maneuver again and again. Again and again, I block. Rivulets of blood seep down my arms, I am weakening and I begin to silently pray._

_Over Patsy Kline, I can hear the distant sounds of siren. Phil must hear them too because he increases his efforts._

_"Time to end this."_

_This time I can't stop the knife as it plunges into my abdomen, once, twice, three times. Suddenly he is gone and I think I may be dead. _

"Where do you think you're going?"

Brought back into the present by those startlingly familiar words, staring at my own horror filled reflection in the blade this time, I realize for the first time since I woke up in the hospital that it really wasn't my fault. Renee never blamed me. She blamed herself.

I didn't just lie there and let it happen. I acted.

It's time to act again.

I reach behind me for anything I can grab and throw but my hand latches onto nothing but air. My only shot is to run around him.

So I do.

I barely feel the burn as the blade slices through the skin of my upper arm and I grab the chair I threw before hoping it hits it's mark this time.

It does.

A hard thwack right to his head. He yowls in pain and before he can recover from the blow, I throw myself at the door, yanking at the knob with everything I have.

It swings open with surprising force and I run straight into Coach Chase.

"Honey, I'm home!"

* * *

><p><strong>Edward POV<strong>

Jazz hasn't said a word since he brought up Chase but he is still rubbing his jaw, thinking. I can almost hear the cogs in his mind spinning and locking into place.

"What is it?" I finally ask. "Do you think that creeper has anything to do with Bella's disappearance?"

"Hang on a sec." He holds up a finger and turns to Alice, sizing her up. "Stand on your toes," he tells her.

"Why?"

"Because on your toes you're just about the same height Bella is."

Where the fuck is he going with this?

He stands behind Alice while she fumbles on her toes trying to keep her balance and grabs her from behind.

"Now, pretend to slam your head back into me."

She does and her head makes gentle contact with his chin.

"I taught Bella that maneuver in one of our training classes," he tells us in a grim voice when Alice steps back from him. "Chase is my height."

My eyes widen. Holy fucking shit! The fucker didn't hit his chin on a steering wheel after all. It all makes sense now; how he was always hanging around, how I always thought he paid too much attention to Bella. The way he watched her and spoke to her always made my skin crawl.

But why? Was he connected with Phil in some way or was he acting on his own?

What possible motive could he have to kidnap a teenage girl? The obvious one makes me want to be sick. I feel myself start to shake again.

"I think we need to put a call in to Chief Swan."

Charlie is reluctant to believe us. To him, we are just kids playing at Hardy Boys Mysteries.

Until I mention that Coach has disappeared from our search party and all the weird attention he was paying Bella. He doesn't see a motive either but he is all too willing to grasp at straws at this point.

He sends a cruiser to the house listed for Chase and we find out they come up empty. Chase isn't there and they do not have probable cause to get a search warrant from a judge.

Legal speak for dead fucking end.

We are back at the police station. Charlie wants a list of all the known hunting cabins in a twenty mile radius to start. It's a huge fucking undertaking. There are a lot of hunting cabins out there, many of them dilapidated and abandoned.

The civilian search is called off for the night. Charlie doesn't want to worry about the townspeople getting in any trouble over the late night hours but I insist on continuing to look.

What the fuck else am I supposed to do? I won't be able to sleep, eat or do anything until Bella is found. I can't sit around and be idle. I won't.

"Son, your mom wants you to come home." Dad wraps his arm around my tired shoulders. "It's late. You are dead on your feet."

I shrug him off and pull from his compassionate embrace.

"Sleep? You think I can sleep? With these images..." I brutally pull at my hair in frustration. "...in my head. With Bella out there somewhere alone with a monster?"

Or maybe two. But I can't let myself think about that.

"Your dad's right," Charlie comes over to me and grips my shoulder in a comforting, paternal way. "You'll be no good to Bella if you're falling on your feet. Go home, son. Get some rest."

He looks so tired and older. Can someone age twenty years in a few hours? I didn't think it was possible until now. His eyes are dead, hollowed out and empty where there used to be life. The mischievous twinkle in his eyes has fizzled and died out.

"What about you?" I rasp and swallow past the constriction in my throat.

He sighs. "She's my daughter."

But she's _my_ girl, I want to shout.

With only some resistance, dad manages to pull me to his car. His expression is grave when he glances over at me while he drives. Like he's worried I'll have another meltdown.

The jury is still out on that.

The whole house is ablaze with lights as we pull into the drive.

Alice and Jasper are sitting on the couch, her head in his lap and he is stroking her hair as he gazes straight ahead, his mouth in a thin line.

Thinking. Jazz is always thinking.

Rosalie paces with her thumb nail in her mouth and stops every so often to stare out the big window that overlooks the forest. I hear pots and pans clanking in the kitchen and the distinct smells of food waft over me making my nauseous stomach rumble. Mom must be cooking. It's what she does when she's upset.

Emmett is nowhere to be found. Don't tell me he is the only one of us able to sleep.

"Where's Emmett?"

"Basement," Rose answers with a sad smile. "Beating the hell out of his punching bag."

"When I told him Coach Chase could be involved he just..." Jasper shakes his head miserably. "I don't know...he just…_lost_ it. Your mom sent him downstairs to work it off."

Emmett looked up to the coach, trusted him. The possible threat of betrayal must burn.

I nod.

A punching bag sounds really good right about now if I didn't feel so utterly paralyzed. I'm too wired to sleep, too fucking heartbroken with worry, with unrelenting fear that I'll never be able to look into her brown eyes again. Never hear her say "I love you" in that soft but unflinching way she has. Never feel her touch against my skin, my flesh inside her flesh.

It is only then I realize the television is on low volume tuned to some local news station. Pictures of Bella dance across the screen and the talking head with bad hair reports on how Isabella Marie Swan was taken forcefully from her after school job.

"...The police have listed Philip Dwyer, Isabella Swan's stepfather, who allegedly murdered Renee Dwyer, Isabella Swan's mother and nearly stabbed Miss Swan to death in December as the most likely suspect in Miss Swan's disappearance although there is another person of interest the police have yet to identify..."

Allegedly, my ass.

And don't call him her fucking stepfather, I want to lash out at the anchor man.

It's like a fucking bad dream, listening to the emotionless drone spout on about Bella; her past, her present and the debate on whether or not she has a future. I can't listen to it anymore.

"Turn it off."

Alice sits up with sudden alarm and red swollen eyes. "But Edward what if-"

"I said turn it off!" I cut her off.

It's Jazz who reaches for the remote control and aims it at the television before plunking it down next to him again. The room is plunged into silence. It makes the sound of my own heartbeat louder in my ears and the droning tick fucking tock of the grandfather clock sounds eerily like a bomb that's counting down.

"I made macaroni and cheese," mom announces, coming from the kitchen. She's wearing an apron, carrying a casserole dish with her Ove Gloves.

I laugh. I can't help it. She looks like June Fucking Cleaver and it seems so utterly unexpected and bizarre against the backdrop of the situation.

It's not a happy laugh. It's manic, bubbling from my mouth. My whole body shakes with the force. I think I finally went insane.

* * *

><p><strong>Bella POV<strong>

Chase's hands wrap hard and unyielding around my upper arms, digging into the slice Phil made with the knife. He roughly shoves me back into the room. I stumble but manage to catch myself before I fall.

"Now I thought I told you kiddie's to play nice."

Chase turns his evil glare to me. I meet it straight on, forcing a sneer to my own lips. It's feels unnatural making my mouth twist that way.

"Hair dye." Phil says in the demanding voice I'm used to.

I see something fly over my head. Phil reaches up to catch it.

"You'll need it. The police have set up road blocks everywhere, search parties too though I think they called them off for the night. They're looking for you. I think you'll look great as a redhead, don't you?"

They both grab me. I kick and scream but they tie me up again. This time the small knife I have isn't as easily accessible, lodged in my front jeans pocket and my arms now behind my back. They cover my mouth too before disappearing into the bathroom.

You are well and truly fucked this time, Swan.

For the first time since this whole debacle started, I let my mind drift to Edward.

His face appears in my mind, bronze locks mixed with blonde, gold and brown streaks, his eyes dark green and full of devastation, his full lips pleading, saying the same thing over and over again.

_"Don't leave me, don't ever leave me"_

_I won't Edward. I'll never leave. I'm trying. It's so hard but I'll do it. I'll get away somehow._

I pray they're not empty promises.

And poor Charlie!

Dad.

Daddy!

I need more time.

There are so manny things I never got to tell Charlie, so many things left to do.

Tears seep and fall from my lashes. I struggle with my hands, trying to twist out of the rope. My wrists burn and bleed some more. I can smell the blood wafting into my nostrils.

Chase tied me tight this time. I barely have much wiggle room. I bend back my fingers trying to pick at the rope, looking for an opening I can use.

The bathroom door shuts and I still.

I hear footsteps and my own harsh breathing. Water runs from behind the bathroom door. Chase crouches down in front of me, a grin on his face that twists into something evil. He removes the gag from my mouth and his finger runs down my jaw and over my bottom lip.

I pull my lips away from my teeth and bite down hard, as hard as I can. I feel the skin give under my teeth and gag on his blood. He yowls in pain and backhands me again, much harder this time forcing me to let go of his finger. My whole world goes fuzzy and my ears ring.

"I should kill you right now!"

He clutches the bloody digit to his chest as he stares at me, saliva dripping from the side of his mouth.

But you can't, can you? For whatever reason, Phil wants me alive."

I refuse to contemplate why.

He doesn't answer. Only stares. My words must have some truth to them.

"I guess you're a puppet too." I say in a scathing, condescending voice. "Just like all the others."

It's just a guess. There had to have been others Phil has tried to control besides Renee and I. That sort of behavior isn't isolated.

My comment is a direct hit. I see doubt in Chase's eyes. It's only for a moment before his mask secures back into place but it was there.

"They'll figure it out. They'll know it was you." I push again.

"Do you really think so?" He's amused now, taunting me.

"Yes."

"You keep thinking that if it makes you feel better." He stands up and pats me on the head. "Do you want to know what I know?"

"What?" I take the bait.

"I was in the search party looking for you. I saw how destroyed your poor boyfriend is. He's barely holding it together. He and his whole group of friends. It was fun watching them walk around in circles, screaming your name. Bella!" he cups his good hand to his mouth. "Oh, Bella!"

Digging under the sink, he pulls out a large spouted can and opens the top. The potent smell of gasoline makes me choke and my eyes burn. I watch him as he douses the perimeter of the cabin with the clear liquid.

Do they intend to light this place on fire and leave me here to die?

"Let's get moving." Phil orders as he comes out of the bathroom. His hair is bright red, wet and standing on end. It reminds me of the Joker in the Batman movies. The dark Heath Ledger one. Not the campy one with Jack Nicholson.

He gags me again and they untie me from the chair. I kick, twist and grunt but my hands and feet are still bound. They carry me outside, drop me in the trunk. The last thing I see before the hood comes down are their twisted, grinning faces staring down at me.

It takes a few minutes until the car door slams, shaking the whole vehicle. Another door slams.

Is Chase coming? I can maybe fight off one but two?

The car speeds forward, fishtailing and my body rams against the side. I hear metal clank around with me and wonder if it's something I can use.

We stop short and I am thrown again, this time against the very back before we are on the move again.

Away from Forks.

Away from my dad.

Away from safety.

Away from Edward.

* * *

><p><strong>Edward POV<strong>

Mom's late night cooking goes to waste. No one wants to eat. Even Emmett, who had come up sweaty and still livid from the basement, absently picks at his food.

We sit at the dining room table anyway, a semblance of family even if one of the chairs is unoccupied.

Bella's chair.

In between Alice and I.

She's had a place at our table since she came into our lives.

No one wants to move it or sit in it. It would be like admitting the worst has happened.

The phone rings and everyone jumps. Dad is off his chair, moving swiftly towards the shrilling sound. The rest of us remain quiet, listening.

"Hello…when?... Do you think that it…I see…What else do you think?..._Dear God_…" Dad puts his head down and rubs at the creases in his forehead. Never a good sign. "…Yes, Charlie. I'll tell them…Thank you for letting us know…If there's anything….yes, I will…you too, Charlie. My prayers are with you."

Dad quietly sets the receiver back into the cradle and stares at it. It feels like a harbinger of doom just entered the room. Dad is a religious man by nature, something he never saw as a conflict with science but rather a complement. But something about him offering prayers, particularly now, has my hair standing on end and a weight growing in my stomach.

Mom is the only one of us not paralyzed. "Carlisle?" she asks, walking up to my dad and resting her hand on his arm. "Honey, what is it?"

Dad clears his throat and looks up at us. His face is full of apologies.

No! I grip the table hard but my feet are stuck. Don't say it Dad. Don't you dare fucking say it.

"That was Charlie," he says after clearing his throat. "There was a fire."

My whole body relaxes. A fire. Thank God for a minute I thought-

"There was a fire at one of the old hunting cabins," Dad says louder, his eyes locked on mine trying to convey a message I don't understand.

"What are you saying, Dad?" Emmett asks for all of us in an unsteady voice.

Dad sighs heavily, his whole body slumps with the effort. "At best, the focus will be split between putting out the fire and finding Bella. Resources are limited here as you know."

"And at worst?" I hear myself asking. If there is an 'at best', there has to be an 'at worst', right?

Jazz has already figured it out. He's shaking his head back and forth in disbelief. Alice and Rose are next, two completely synchronized sobs. Their hands cover and hold their mouths. Emmett grips the table. He is shaking, jarring the table, causing its contents to shift. Mom is silent, eyes wide and tearful.

What am I missing? What am I not getting here? Something that seems so plain to everyone else. My mind feels like it's disconnected from the rest of me and I can't put the pieces together. Nothing fits.

"The fire was set on purpose," Dad says after a time. "There was a distinct scent of gasoline at the scene and a definite trail of fire leading up to the cabin that went back a few hundred feet. It's too much of a coincidence, Edward. Charlie thinks that's where Bella was being kept…Phil could have created the fire as a diversion so they could get out of town or…" he bows his head again.

"Or what, Dad?" I screech, approaching him. "Or what?"

He pulls me into a fierce hug I automatically wrap my arms around him.

Tears rise and spill.

"Or…she…_Damn it_..."

I've never heard him so flustered. let alone curse like that.

This is bad. Very _fucking_ bad.

"Son, Charlie thinks that…he thinks that there's a chance Bella may still be in the cabin."


	41. Chapter 41

**A/N - **Okay, we're coming into the home stretch now...sort of. Hopefully, I managed to convey a wealth of emotions in this chapter. It was a difficult one to write, logistics wise and I hope you enjoy it. A few POV shifts between Edward and Bella but completely necessary.

* * *

><p><strong>Edward POV<strong>

Everything exists in a white haze. I see mouths move. I hear the voices. I hear the words. Nothing connects from my ears to my brain.

Mom's yelling. She never yells, not at my dad.

"Why did you have to tell him like that? Why did you have to tell him _at all_?"

"He deserved to know the truth, Esme! Since when do we keep secrets in this family?"

"Does he deserve _this_?" Her hand waves in my direction.

Hands grip me, move me and I am sitting, immobile, staring. Mom is in my face. I feel pressure on my cheeks.

"Edward, listen to me, please." Mom is begging me. "We don't know anything. Not for sure. Come back to us, please."

Tears fill in her eyes and spill onto her cheeks.

I can only stare. I don't even think I am blinking.

I feel nothing.

I am numb.

I am detached.

It's really happened.

Bella's dead.

Bella. Is. Dead.

Why can't I feel it? Why am I not screaming? Crying? Ripping the house apart?

Why can't I feel anything?

My mind picks out phrase from the angry symphony.

"My God! What happened to his hair?"

My hair? What a strange question.

"Acute stress reaction. He needs a sedative."

I latch on it, rolling the syllables around in my head. My mouth won't move.

Dad approaches me slowly, a needle in his hand. I watch with disinterest as he rubs antiseptic on my arm and readies the syringe.

"It will only hurt for a moment," he says sympathetically as he lowers the needle to my arm.

"NO!"

I finally find my voice. My movements too.

Snatching the needle with a snarl that sounds more animal than human, I throw it across the room. I am up and flying out the door before anyone can stop me; the shocked yells of my family following me into the night.

**Bella POV**

My head feels like an anvil has been dropped on it and my body, my whole body is stiff but I fight to remain hyper aware of every sound, every bump. My eyes have finally adjusted to the dark and I see...

...nothing.

Wait!

There's a tire iron wedged right by the trunk opening.

_It's too bad your hands are tied behind your back, kiddo._

Wait, what? Now I am hearing Charlie's voice in my head? I must be getting delusional.

How much air do I have in this trunk anyway?

I wriggle my wrists, twisting them, yanking, pulling at the rope. Is it false hope or are they loosening.

The car stops suddenly. I hold my breath, remaining still. A car door slams.

Just one.

Who is getting out of the car?

There's several hard raps on the top of the trunk. I jump.

"Have fun Isabella!"

It's Chase. Where's he going? Is he coming back?

The car speeds off. I can feel it fishtail. It must be raining.

And then there were two.

I concentrate my efforts on the rope refusing to think too much on this new development.

Aha! The rope is loosening.

Please, please.

I am panting with effort.

_Keep it together, Bells. You don't know how much oxygen you have left. Remember all my safety talks?_

What Dad? What are you trying to say?

_You always used to roll your eyes when I tried to tell you._

Daddy, please! I'm listening now

_All cars made nowadays have an interior trunk release. Remember?_

Yes, yes. I nod.

My eyes dart around, looking searching.

Where, Dad? Where is it?

_Think Bella. Think hard. Where would a safety latch be?_

My wrists burn and bleed but I am freeing myself, slowly but surely.

There!

I yank one had out and then the other, shaking off the rope wiggling my fingers to bring back the circulation. I feel the blood rush to them and they tingle and burn with sensation.

After shaking out my arms, I make quick work of the ties around my legs.

Time to look for the lever.

My hands feel around the truck opening.

There it is!

Grabbing the tire iron with one hand, I yank on the lever with the other. I hold the hood trunk down. I need it to open slowly. It it slams up, Phil will figure out what I am doing. I wonder if I can roll out of the trunk.

Peeking through the small opening, I see nothing but wet road blurring by. He's driving fast. Can I even get out of the car? Should I wait until he stops and surprise him with a tire iron to the skull?

Think Bella.

We could be driving for hours before he stops. We'll be too far from Forks then.

I have to make my move.

Okay, Swan, how are you going to jump out of the car without killing yourself or at the very least, snapping your ankle in two.

Blowing out deep breaths in rapid succession, I steal my body for what it has to accomplish. Tightening my hold on the tire iron, I slip one leg out of the trunk while trying to keep the hood of it as low as possible. Wind and rain whip around my jean clad leg.

Steady, steady.

My arm is next, the one with the improvised weapon. There is no way in hell I want that thing dropping on my head when I finally roll out.

I'm half in, half out now.

One more move and I am gone.

On the count of three.

One.

I take a deep breath.

Two.

I clench my eyes shut.

Three.

I brace for impact.

Go!

I force my body to roll out and I do, landing with a hard thud and a clang on wet pavement and I roll, picking up road rash and gravel as I do. No part of my body remains unscathed but my adrenaline is running so high I can't feel it.

Blood runs steadily down my legs and arms and my head too, I think. Grappling, seeking purchase on the ground with the tire iron still in my grip, I push myself into a semi-crouching position.

My whole body tenses as I hear the screeching of breaks.

Shit!

I look up with dread. Phil is staking toward me with murder in his eyes. Standing now, favoring my right leg, I pull the tire iron back behind me, ready to swing.

I can't out run him, not yet.

_You only have one shot, Bella. Make it a good one. Attack with the unexpected._

It's Jaspers voice again.

He'll expect me to go for the upper region of his body, maybe his head.

Taking a chance, my only one, I swing landing a hard shot on his knee. He yowls in pain and goes down like a domino. I swing one more shot at his head, hoping I kill him. It lands with a sickening thud.

I don't look.

I run.

**Edward POV**

I drive.

My fingers and palms tap a frenetic, nervous beat on the steering wheel, keeping tune with the drone of the windshield wipers. KIRO, the shitty radio station drones on about The Mariners.

"Who fucking cares?" I yell at the radio. "Just tell me where the Goddamn fire is!"

The voice talks about the freezing rain and the temperature that hovers just over the freezing mark next. He sounds too damn cheerful about it.

Bella could be out there, cold, hungry. Her coat had been left behind.

Damn it.

_"And now here's a great classic from The Cure for all you love birds snuggling tonight."_

The beginning strains of "Love Song" filters through the speakers and I'm nearly ill when I hear the distinct warble of Robert Smith singing about how his girl makes him whole.

I slam my fist on the steering wheel, feeling the momentary sting shooting up my arm.

I change the frequency to AM and hit the station button searching for anything but static.

There it is.

A deep somber voice telling me exactly where I need to be.

Palming the wheel, I cut a sharp curve down the 101, into the National Park. I don't even know how long I'm driving before I see it.

Great, big billowing clouds of unholy black smoke hovering over the forest. Pulling over, I am out the door and running full tilt. Leaves and branches and rain slap at me, cutting me but I don't care.

Blue and red lights guide my way and when I break through the trees, I am met with a horrible sight.

The fire is out but smoke hovers like a dark cloud of doom, sucking up all the life around it, depriving it of oxygen. I struggle for breath.

The perimeter of what was once the hunting cabin is nothing but a charred skeleton surrounded by burnt pine needles and charcoaled evergreens. In the middle of it all, on his knees, sifting through soot and ash, is Charlie.

I rush forward only to be grabbed by a police officer.

"You can't be here. This is a crime scene."

"Let me go." I say through gritted teeth, struggling to break free.

"I _said_ this is a crime scene."

"Charlie!" I scream, stretching my arm out towards him. "Charlie, _please_!"

He looks up at me with his face, everything covered in black. The whites of his eyes gleam white in the oppressive dark.

"Let him through."

Charlie waves me through. When the officer lets me go, I lurch forward and stumble before breaking into a run. He catches me by the shoulders and I try to catch my breath.

"She's not here, son," he says before I can ask. "Bella's _not_ here."

My relief is so great, I let out a broken sob and fall to my knees. My whole body shakes from the force of my tears.

She's not here. She's still alive.

Charlie crouches beside me and rests a hand on my shoulder, staying me. I look up at him through my tear filled eyes.

"Thank you." My voice is raspy and wet. "_Thank you._"

"I thought I told you to get some rest."

A sad chuckle escapes me and I wipe the back of my sleeve across my nose.

"Fat chance."

He takes a good look at me then. I can feel his eyes scrutinizing before he frowns at me.

"Kid, what happened to your hair?"

_The fuck?_

It's the second time someone's commented on it.

"What do you mean?" I touch my hair tentatively almost expecting to feel nothing but bald scalp.

"You've got a white streak right...there." He points to the spot above my right eyebrow.

_What the fuck?_

Before I have time to contemplate my new hair style, an officer different from the one that grabbed me, hurries over to us.

"Chief Swan, Burley just picked up James Chase. He's at the station for questioning."

"Oh?" he asks and stands up, helping me up with him. "Did he say where he was?"

"Claims he got separated from the search party when he went to inspect a noise. Then he discovered his car was stolen."

I want to scream 'liar, liar pants on fire.'

Charlie's mouth sets into a disbelieving grim line. "And he didn't bother to report it?"

"He says with the search going on for your daughter, he didn't feel right doing so, not when you had more pressing priorities."

"Uh huh...alright put an APB out on the car and the plates. I'm going home to take a shower. He can sit and wait for my ass. Did he lawyer up yet?"

"No sir. Not yet."

"Good." Charlie turns to me. "I'll let you know what I find out. In the meantime, go home and get some sleep, son. This time for real."

I don't want to lie so I don't say anything.

**Bella POV**

I am the wind; flying high on adrenaline, fueled by fear.

Branches scratch.

Hard rain stings.

I feel nothing.

Nothing but the need to run.

I have no idea where I am. It doesn't matter. As long as I am far from him.

My harsh breaths are loud in my own ear and my heart slams against my ribs in a pounding rhythm.

Did I kill him?

The memory of sound of metal hitting flesh and bone cracks in my ears.

Maybe.

I zig-zag through the trees and foliage in a blind rush.

Until I am falling, rolling, head over heels, heels over head.

Down, down, down she goes.

Where she stops no one will know.

I land with a painful groan, face up, two feet shy of a river I can't name. Soaked, muddy and dazed, I stare up at the top of the ravine and the drop I didn't see until I was falling over it.

I feel everything now; my head which surely is bloody and twice its natural size, my ankle – I think it's broken and every piercing, throbbing, burning pain in between.

Bella Swan, you are a certified mess. You escaped from the monsters only to be felled by nature. I want to laugh at the irony but it will hurt too much.

Just rest.

I need to rest for just a little while.

My eyes blink sleepily.

I don't feel the rain anymore but I feel the cold…the unforgiving cold. How long have I been lying here?

Five minutes? Twenty? Two hours?

_Keep moving, Bella._

Mom?

My head doesn't want to move. My eyes scan around me. There is nothing but green and brown and me.

_Get up. Keep moving. Don't stop._

Renee's voice is battle sergeant strong and so unlike her. She never gave orders.

_Follow the river, Bella._

The river? Does she want me to swim? I don't even think I can walk. I just want to sleep.

**Edward POV**

Lights blaze from every window of the police station. Cops from departments county wide mill around the tiny parking lot with even more inside milling around. I force my way through and spy Charlie in an enclosed room with a large see-through window facing the rest of the station.

Chase is in there, defiant, mouth upturned in a smug smile, arms crossed over his chest. Charlie on the other hand is red-faced, slamming his palm on the old wooden table. I can hear the impact and flinch.

"What's going on?" I ask one of the other officers. I think it's Burley.

"Chase is sticking to his story." He shrugs. "We may have to let him go."

Fuck that. I know he is eyeball deep in this.

Chase turns towards the window, sees me and smirks.

Charlie glances over at me and yells something at him.

My cell phone goes off again, buzzing in my pocket because I shut the ringer off after the third time it rang.

There is a big part of me that wants to be out there, searching but this is command central. Everything I need to find out is here in this room. Tuning out the buzz of speculation proves difficult though. I hear snippets of conversation all around me; speculations on Bella's chance of survival out there. Not only does she have whoever took her to contend with but the elements of nature should she manage to escape. Rain, wind, night and near freezing temperatures might kill her instead.

I can't listen. I sit in a corner and watch and wait.

A styrofoam cup of industrial sludge is shoved in my hand and Charlie sits down next to me with a sigh.

"Not too keen at listening to advice are you?" He says before taking a sip from his own cup.

"Nope."

"We're going to find her. I won't accept anything else."

"Neither will I."

"I know." "

I..." I gulp. "I love her, sir. I'm going to marry that girl someday."

"I know that too," he says softly.

"So," I nod at the room Chase is in. "What's the deal with him?"

Charlie scrubs his hand down his face. "He's hiding something, that's for sure. But he ain't talking."

"I can make him talk." I say through clenched teeth, feeling the rage inside me.

"I believe you probably could." He chuckles. "However, we have to do what the law says. Trust me, I want to kick his ass into the next century myself."

"Chief, I think we got something!"

We both turn to a young officer who looks like he hit the jackpot.

"Wait here," Charlie tells me and gets up.

I'm back to waiting and watching.

Charlie is looking over some papers, his face changing to disbelief.

"Sonofabitch!" He shouts and I can't tell if that's a good thing or a bad thing. "Brady, get Judge Hopkins on the phone now! Wake his ass out of bed if you have to. I need a warrant to search James Chase's house, ASAP."

He walks back into the interrogation room, slamming the door and slapping the papers on the table.

An hour later, I'm on my third cup of coffee sludge, nervously tapping my feet on the floor, eyes darting, ears listening. Twenty minutes ago, a uniformed kid walked into the interrogation room with a cardboard box. The blinds over the window are drawn and I can't see a damn thing.

I take my phone out and call home.

"Hi mom, it's me."

_"Edward, where are you? We've been so worried."_

I give her the Reader's Digest version, telling them there was no evidence of Bella still being in the cabin and that I think Charlie is onto something with Chase.

"_Come home_," she pleads.

I clench my eyes shut against the worry in her tone.

"I can't. It's Bella, Mom."

She takes a quivering breath. _"I know."_

"How are you guys holding up?"

"_We're...okay_."

It's mom speak for we're not but I don't want to put more on your plate.

"That's...good." I say in Edward speak for I know it's not okay but thanks for trying.

"_Bella...she's going to be alright, Edward. She's strong and resourceful. Focus on that._"

"I'm trying." I let out a sob.

There's a commotion and Charlie is running out the door.

"Mom, I have to go."

I shut the phone off and follow Charlie out the door. He's getting in his car, speeding off.

I get into my own and follow.

**Bella POV**

_Wake up! Edward is waiting for you._

Edward!

Yes, I need Edward. He'll keep me warm.

I'm so cold.

My teeth chatter so violently in my mouth, my teeth might break and my jaw may shatter. Everything is shaking. Everything is stiff.

I roll over and draw my legs up into a crawl position and my hands grab at the ground. Mud gets trapped under my finger nails. My limbs don't want to cooperate and my feet keep sliding backwards.

I fall flat again and again.

_You can do it, Bella._

"So says the disembodied voice," I mumble.

There's a fallen branch, not too far from me and I stretch out my arms, reaching, reaching. I grab it and pull it towards me to use to lift myself up.

"Ha!" I shout when I finally did it. Birds scatter from nearby trees at the sound of my voice echoing.

Crap. If Phil didn't know where I was before, he does now.

Grappling with the crooked branch, I use it as both a crutch and a walking stick, hobbling along the river bank. Agony shadows my every move and I can barely breathe. When I do, it crackles and wheezes.

Not a good sign.

Don't think about it, I chide myself. Just go.

Is that the burgeoning sun I see starting to rise? Is it possible?

My sense of direction is horrible but I know enough that the sun rises in the east and sets in the west.

Think Bella. Which way do I go?

Phil was probably going to try to get across the border to Canada…that's east.

West! Forks is west!

I've been going in the wrong direction.

Slowly, I about face and walk.

Time is a foreign concept. I cannot gage the minutes that pass by and each torturous breath is wrapped in agony, let loose in a frigid mist that swirls above me.

Just when I think I'm about to pass out, I see it. A road crossing the river. It's up a hill I'm not sure I can climb.

I try anyway.

It's not too steep but the going is slow. I am running out of air faster than I can breathe and my ankle is way past the point of no return. It's amazing I can even walk at all. The world dips and sways, blurs and dims.

No.

Not now. Not when I'm so close.

Keep moving.

Stay alive.

The old Beegees song plays in my head.

Uh, uh, uh, uh, Stayin alive, stayin alive.

I'm losing it.

Snap out of it Bella, you're delirious.

"Isabella!"

Praying the voice is another figment of my delusional mind, I turn around with a painful gasp.

I hear the distinct report of a gun and a bullet whizzes by. I can feel the burn as it slices past my cheek.

He has a gun?

Phil stands there in the distance, blood dripping from his skull, wild eyed and lumbering forward.

It's all the motivation I need. Crawling up the hill now, I claw frantically through the dirt, screaming, mud slipping into my mouth.

He follows.

Finally I touch the road and I break out into a run. The sounds of my sneakers slapping on the pavement echoes in the dawn. His boots follow…getting closer.

Up ahead I see the glow of oncoming headlights.

I'm out of breath but I scream anyway, waving my arms.

"Help! Help me!"

The car skids to a stop, the high beams blinding me. A shadow of someone flies out of the door.

"Bella!"

I want to collapse on my knees.

"Bella! Look out!"

I turn away from my savior and Phil is right there, locking his arm around my neck, his other arm extended out aiming the gun.

"Put the gun down or I'll snap her neck right now!"

Phil's breath is sour and stale against my ear as he tugs his arm tighter around me.

"No. Daddy." The words come out like a croak but he can hear me.

His face is sad, apologetic even. His hold on the gun wavers but he doesn't let go.

"I mean it, Charlie. I'll kill you and make her watch. Then I'll kill her too."

I have one move left. No one is dying for me ever again.

I slide my hand slowly down into my pocket, feeling around for the handle of the small knife that's been my hidden companion this whole time.

Another car barrels down and brakes hard, skidding to a stop on the wet road. I recognize the silver against the breaking dawn anywhere.

No Edward. Get back.

He flings himself out of the car, staring at us in horror as he mouths my name.

Phil's gun goes from Charlie, to Edward back to Charlie again. He cocks the trigger and his grip on me tightens. He's confused.

Two against one.

But he is the one with the gun.

He has the power.

Everything that happens next happens so fast. Concentrating my rage, I swing my arm up and stab Phil in the face. With a roar, he grabs the skin at my throat and flings me with all his strength. I land with a shriek and a crack, barely hanging on to consciousness. I hear two gunshots, a thud and two sets of footsteps running.

My head is being lifted into someone's lap, kisses are being peppered on my forehead and I hear crying and words I can't make sense of.

"This is Chief Swan," Dad talks into his walkie talkie. "I need two ambulances on Forest Service Road 2918 near the 101. I found Bella."

"Way to go, Chief," the other voice crackles. "Two ambulances being dispatched. ETA in ten."

"Is he…?" My eyes glance up and Edward is leaning over me.

He nods and sniffles. "You did it Bella."

"Edward, your hair," I say and I raise my arm to touch the white streak that stands out against the bronze mass but the effort is too much and my arm drops back again listlessly to my side.

He's silent but offers a shrug.

I give him a weak smile and what little energy I have left is gone.

Edward's face changes to panic.

"Bella?" He gives me a slight shake of my shoulders. I can barely feel it at all. "Bella, stay awake. Don't close your eyes."

"Exactly what mom said," I mumble.

My words prove his undoing and my brain hurts too much to think why.

"Bella? Baby? Don't do this to me Bella….Charlie…do something…"

"Bella! This is your father speaking. Open your eyes….Damn it…Bella…"

I want to tell them not to be mad at me.

I want to…


	42. Chapter 42

A/N – So I just got word that this story was nominated for the Emerging Swan Award for Best WIP. If you feel "I Fall to Pieces" is deserving, please vote for it at: . ?id=219e1b90-4526-4c9a-9f1e-372cae504f1b

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><p><strong>Edward POV<strong>

I arrive right behind the ambulance. Parking haphazardly into a spot at Forks Community Hospital, I race to the ER entrance where Bella is being wheeled in quickly. There's an oxygen mask over her face and an EMT is rushing along beside her with an IV hookup.

Phrases like broken fibula, hypothermia, pneumothorax and probable subdural hematoma are being tossed around. I have no idea what any of it fucking means but it sounds bad. My stomach pitches and rolls.

"BP's dropping! Get her into ER stat."

She is rolled quickly behind two swinging double doors. Doctors and nurses rush by me in a blur of white and blue. It's like the season ending of some medical drama. The kind where the trauma doors close and the credits roll with the ominous sound of a flat line.

"You can't stand there, son. That's an active doorway."

I angle my head towards the voice and turn to see a nurse standing there with kind, sympathetic eyes. Her hand is motioning to a row of generic powder blue plastic seats.

Doesn't she understand? I don't want to wait over there. I want to be here, where I can see, where I can be close.

"Aren't you Doc Cullen's boy? Edward?"

"Yes." My voice comes out a hoarse croak. Her question reminds me that I am not without my connections here. "Um…do you know where Chief Swan went?"

I force myself to look around me, searching for Bella's dad. Surely, he would be here, wouldn't he?

"Why don't you sit down over there? Chief Swan is filling out paperwork but I am sure once he's done he'll sit with you."

I nod, walking slowly towards the unforgiving chairs. These are the seats reserved for waiting; waiting to see if a loved one is going to make it…or not.

Pulling out my cell, I dial my Dad's number.

"Edward? Where are you? We've been trying-"

"Dad, I need you."

I hear his sharp intake of breath at my words and his voice lowers. "Where are you?"

Leaning back against the hard seat, I rake my fingers through my hair. "At the hospital," I manage to choke out. "It's Bella. We found her." I should sound elated but I don't. I sound defeated.

"I know, son. I've already been paged. We're on our way."

Pace, pace, pivot.

Pace, pace, pivot.

Pace, pace pivot.

Those terrifying moments when I saw Bella, loop around in my head in a horrific instant replay. The scene captured in my high beams; a moving still frame. Bella, her face bloodied and nearly unrecognizable. The monster named Phil: head partially bashed in, one arm around Bella's precious neck, the other waving a gun. And then there was Charlie, stuck with a decision no one should ever have to make.

That's when I braked and it all turned to hell.

When she lost consciousness, I thought that was it. She was gone. Twisting vines of grief and loss suffocated me from the inside out until Charlie shouted she had a pulse. It was low and thready but it was there. I had hope.

That hope dwindles the longer I wait.

I never realized it before but the hospital has its own symphony; the whirr and blips of machines, the ringing phones, the sound the shoe covers the doctors and nurses wear as they slide across the black and white tiled floor, the frantic call of medical instructions, the groans of pain, the quiet weeping and the ticking of the clock on the wall.

All of it seemingly designed right now to drive me insane.

Dad rushes in, his eyes dart frantically around until they settle on me. He runs over and clasps me in his arms tightly, the way he used to when I was little and woke up to a nightmare.

I want to wake up from this one.

"Have you heard anything?" he asks as he pulls back and looks at me.

I shake my head, my throat too constricted to speak

"I'm going to scrub in and help."

Before he turns to enter the doors I'm not allowed, I pull on his sleeve.

"Please, Dad. Don't let her go."

He nods once and disappears.

Mom and the others come in the glass entrance doors. Reporters try to follow them inside but they are stopped by the policemen guarding the doors. Funny, how I never noticed them before now.

She grabs me in a hug and suddenly I am surrounded. Emmett, Jasper, Alice, Rose. They are all here…arms around me…arms around each other.

The song, "Kumbaya" comes to mind and I have this ridiculous urge to laugh. It comes out as a choked sob instead.

Another sound to add to the symphony.

"You scared me half to death, young man." Her shaky tone and engulfing embrace temper the reprimand.

"Sorry," I mumble. But I'm not…not really. I would do it all over again except maybe I would have brought a gun.

"How's Bella?" Jasper asks, his brows dipped into a 'v', as he cautiously watches the ER doors.

I'm about to say something when I see Charlie walking our way. He's on the phone and his mouth is set into a grim line.

"I want it impounded and searched," he demands. "What did you find?..." Charlie blanches and scrubs his hand over his face. His eyes lock on mine. The look in them is terrifying. "It'll be hers…sonofabitch." He shuts the phone off. "Sonofabitch!" he cries out again, his face contorted into a mask of pain and anger as he bends over, his hands clutching his thighs.

We break our circle, drifting towards Charlie with concern. Mom reaches him first and extends a hand to his shoulder, carefully nudging him so she has his full attention.

"Breathe for me, Charlie. Deep breaths."

He nods silently, his cheeks puffing with air before releasing. He does this a few times before he stands to his full height.

"That's good," Mom is all therapist now, relying on the strength of her vocation to mask what she, herself, is feeling. "Now, can you tell us what's wrong?"

"My guys found the car abandoned on one of the service roads. There was blood in the trunk." He chokes back a sob and pinches the bridge of his nose. "The son of a bitch locked my little girl in the trunk."

I recoil at the words, turning into myself. Bella…locked in the trunk…like a piece of luggage…injured and bleeding with no air. After everything, this is the fucking cherry on the cake of my day.

My fist connects with the wall, sending a jolt of tingling pain spiraling up my arm. I bring my arm back to punch it again but my wrist becomes locked in an unrelenting grip that doesn't move even as I try to wrench it free.

"Stop it," Emmett says close to my ear; his voice is edged with steel, tempered with sympathy. "She got free. She's safe."

I shake my head. Free? Yes. Safe? She's here with a multitude of injuries I don't even understand so, no, Bella is not safe. Not yet.

But I relent on my attack against the wall.

"What happened with Chase?" I ask Charlie after some minutes go by and we are both calm enough to speak.

Charlie chuckles bitter and dark. "We found a connection between him and Phil. After some investigation, it turns out they were half-brothers. He'll be prosecuted on a whole laundry list of charges."

"And how did you find Bella?" Rose asks.

"Chase's cell had a number that he called many times. We tracked the location of the number." He shakes his head. "I'll never complain about GPS again."

An hour passes.

The waiting area is near filled to capacity with everyone waiting to hear about Bella's condition. Police officers and men in dark suits talk to Charlie.

The early edition of the newspaper arrives in bulk. I refuse to look at it. I know what's on the cover and inside. The whole horrid tale; the one that Bella tried so hard to keep hidden is laid out for every eye to see.

I alternate between pacing and sitting; alienating myself from everyone else.

At one point I retreat to the bathroom. After all the coffee I ingested, I'm surprised I didn't end up here sooner.

Washing my hands, I take a glance at the mirror in front of me.

I look like hell.

Eyes blotchy, swollen with dark circles, cheeks sallow with unshaven stubble, hair going off in all different directions with a streak…_holy fuck._

I see it then; the irrefutable white streak going from my scalp to the tips of my hair. It looks like a reverse Jay Leno.

Leaning forward into the mirror, I tentatively touch it to see if it's real. The texture is coarser than the rest of my hair but it's definitely real.

Two hours pass and still no word.

Every time those damn double doors open, necks crane and eyes dart. I think, is this it? Are we finally going to hear something? But no. The nurses shuffle past refusing to make eye contact every fucking time.

One nurse does make eye contact though and I am on it.

"Do you have an update on Isabella Swan?"

The whole room silences behind me, waiting for the answer.

"No." She looks down at the floor. "I'm sorry."

"Please. You have to give me something. _Anything_."

"I'm sorry," she repeats.

"That's not good enough!" I roar. "_My life_ is behind those doors!"

"Okay, time for a walk," Jasper says grabbing me by the arm.

"No." I try to wrench my arm away but his hold is steadfast. "I can't leave."

"You can and you will." Emmett flanks my other side.

Together they half drag me through the entrance, barreling through the reporters. Microphones are shoved in my face and lights flash in my eyes. Emmett shoves them away with a warning.

They don't slow down until we're midway through the parking lot and Lauren fucking Mallory steps right in our way, looking deceivingly contrite holding a potted plant.

I think I growl at her but I'm not sure.

"This is a bad time, Lauren," Jasper says in such a way I know his teeth are clenched.

She ignores him and looks at me with wide eyes, stepping back slightly. The leaves on plant quiver.

"I just wanted to say I'm sorry…I..I didn't know. If I would have-"

"Save it," I snarl. "I'm not the one you should be apologizing to."

She looks away nervously towards the hospital behind me before she looks back with a gulp.

"But if she..-"

"Don't! Don't even _think_ it…I swear to God."

My fists clench.

Jasper and Emmett tighten their grip on me, reeling me in.

Lauren squeaks and runs toward the hospital with her fucking ugly plant.

"Well, you sure showed her." Emmett chuckles drily. "Guy gets a white streak in his hair and he goes all bad ass."

_Fucker._

"I want to go back," I try pulling from their grasp again. "We've been away too long."

"It's only been five minutes," Jasper informs me. Has it only been that long? It feels like forever. "We'll take one lap around the hospital perimeter first. The way you're acting, Charlie is going to have to arrest you too."

True to his word, we make one lap. Emmett and Jasper each try their hand at joking around to lift my spirits but there is only one thing that could do that.

Before we enter the glass doors again, Jasper pulls me to the side, gripping my shoulders. His gray eyes are serious and hypnotizing.

"Edward, listen to me. Don't you dare go back in there with this defeated attitude you're sporting."

"You didn't see her. You don't know."

"Maybe," he concedes. "but I do know this. Bella is strong. For _Christ's sakes_, Edward, she faced the man who killed her mother and nearly killed her. And if what Charlie said is true, she jumped out of the trunk of a moving vehicle. She escaped through the woods in the cold rain with probably a broken ankle and God knows what else to get back to us…to get back to _you_. She _is_ a survivor. She is not going to give up now. Don't _you_ dare act like you've already given up on _her_."

It hits me. He's right. He's abso-fucking-lutely right. Since this whole thing started, I've been acting like a pansy assed defeatist; worried about Bella so much it hurt to breathe but I also worried about me…about how _I_ am going to deal...how I don't think I _could_ if she doesn't make it. I had completely discounted _her_ strength…_her_ resolve.

Bella will survive. She will come back.

That new found optimism fades into obscurity the moment I see my dad walking out of those double doors, surgical cap in his hand and blood splatters covering his clothes. He keeps his face impassive. It's probably something he learned years ago in med school. It's a look I hate. It doesn't tell me a damn thing.

He won't even look at me to convey a message with his eyes. He just walks over to Charlie and gestures him aside. As I go to edge closer, Mom stops me with a negative shake of her head.

"Charlie will come tell us the news."

It's not good enough. I need to know. _Now._

I watch them talk and my heart nearly stops when I see Charlie pale and his face contort into sorrow. Dad places a hand on his shoulder. He's trying to comfort him.

Why?

"What's going on?" This from Alice, who watches beside me. She has been unnervingly quiet, restricting herself to thumbing through old fashion magazines or playing with Rose's hair. She calls it beauty therapy.

"I wish I knew."

"It'll be fine," Rose says. She's been saying the same thing for hours. She says it with such conviction, I want to believe her.

Dad passes by me, giving me a somber look and gestures his head towards Charlie before going back through the doors. I don't hesitate.

Mom, Alice, Rose, Emmett and Jazz all follow me. I want to tell them to go back, not to surround the poor guy but they want news of Bella's condition nearly just as much as I do.

Charlie is leaning against the wall, eyes clenched shut and my heart literally seizes. I lurch forward, closing the distance.

"Charlie, what did my dad say?"

His eyes slowly open and he regards all of us with an odd look before raking his fingers through his hair and pushing himself of the wall. "C'mon," he nods down the hall. "Let's go somewhere private."

We follow him into a small room with a single bed and a few chairs that don't look any more comfortable than the ones in the waiting room. "Carlisle said we can talk in here."

Emmett is the last one in and he shuts the door behind him.

Charlie blows out a breath. "She's alive."

The room erupts into joyous whoops, high fives and bear hugs. I don't include myself in any of it. Neither does Charlie. He is not finished yet.

Rose notices first, her picture perfect smile dying a slow death. Mom is next, she stills, her eyes darting from Charlie to me and back again.

"How bad?" Mom asks.

"She was...uh, beaten pretty badly. Her ankle's broken. Carlisle says she must have been walking or running on it afterwards."

I feel bile start to rise in my esophagus. I broke my arm once falling out of my tree house. The pain is excruciating. I can't imagine the agony, Bella went through.

"A few of her ribs were broken as well. One of them...one of them pierced her lung." Charlie turns away, his eyes welling. "Because of the hypothermia they put her on antibiotics to keep pneumonia from setting in...and...

We wait. It's bad. I know it is.

This slow categorizing of her injuries is killing me.

She's alive, I keep telling myself. Nothing else matters. No matter how bad it is, she's alive.

"Her skull is fractured. There's brain swelling. Carlisle says if the medication they give her can't reduce it, they'll have to do surgery…drill a hole into her skull to relieve the pressure."

_Drill a hole?_

I shiver at the image.

_Brain surgery._

So many things can go wrong.

"They're putting her in a medically induced coma and giving her a breathing tube because of the lung."

"Do you know when we'll be able to see her?" I ask.

"I'm not sure. When they are finished, they're going to put her into ICU," he looks at each of us and frowned. "I appreciate you all waiting with me and I love that Bella has such a wonderful second family but you all look exhausted. You should go home and get some rest. I'll call you when they've brought her to her room."

Just as I am about to protest, Emmett does so for me.

"Sir, we all love Bella and like you said, she is family to us. I'm going to speak for all of us and say we'll wait...that is if you don't mind."

"No,Emmett," I see the tears fall down Charlie's cheeks and he smiles ever so briefly. "I don't mind."


	43. Chapter 43

**Edward POV**

Her hand is small and cold within my own and I gently trace the stark contrast of her blue veins against her pale skin. She is so still and the room so quiet except for the heart monitors and the gentle push of oxygen going into the tube in her chest.

Charlie was in here as soon as we were allowed to visit but he graciously left after an hour to give me some time alone with Bella. I think he just couldn't bear to see her like this. He had told me in hushed whispers and broken words that watching Bella hover between life and death was all too horribly familiar.

How many times could a man watch his daughter suffer before he breaks?

Charlie is a stronger man than I, I think. I already feel near broken.

Gently, I brush her hair from her face holding back a broken sob at how swollen and distorted it looks. She almost doesn't look like my Bella.

Almost.

Dad says the swelling will go down, that no permanent damage was done to her face. The main concern is the brain swelling and her lung and the possible complications from that.

He tries to be optimistic but I can see the worry in his eyes, the strain around his lips.

We're not out of the woods yet.

"You should talk to her."

I look up and a nurse is there smiling at me as she adjusts Bella's IV and checks the monitors.

"Do you think she can hear me?"

"No one is really sure but I like to think they can. See?" she points at the heart monitor. "You spoke and her heart sped up a little. You must have a strong connection."

"She is my life," I say without reservation.

She nods. "She is very lucky."

_I am the lucky one._

"My name is Carmen. If you need anything, let me know."

"Thank you."

I barely hear her leave the room. My focus is all on Bella, her heartbeat, her soft breaths, how still she is.

"Bella, love, I don't know if you can hear me but I need you to get better. We all do. Charlie, Alice, Rose, Jazz, my Mom and Dad but especially me."

She doesn't answer but I go on anyway. I tell her how the whole town banded together to search for her, how she no longer had to worry, Phil was dead and Chase was behind bars, how much I love her and admire her strength.

I talk until my voice is hoarse and I can no longer keep my eyes open.

There's a gentle hand on my shoulder, shaking me.

"Edward?"

"Huh?" Bleary eyed I lift my head looking towards Bella. "Bella?" My voice is hopeful but it's too easy to tell she hasn't moved except for the soft rise and fall of her chest.

"No, it's Dad."

I look to my left and Dad is standing over me; tired and bleak.

"Is something wrong? Is Bella-" My eyes dart to the monitors. They beep steadily; little green waves like a shallow ocean's shores.

"Calm down, son. Everything is as it was. I just need to have Bella taken for some tests to see if the brain swelling went down."

I have wait again, sent to the hallway like a nine year old that just let loose the spit ball from hell.

"How does she look?" Alice asks. She's still waiting her turn to see Bella.

_Seriously?_

"She looks like she's been through hell. How do you think she looks?" My retort is scathing and sarcastic and I pull my fingers through my hair annoyed at her, annoyed at being stuck waiting again and just plain annoyed at the whole situation.

Looking up at my sister, I see her face is stark white, her moist eyes are as wide as saucers and her bottom lip is trembling.

_Ah, fuck._

"I'm sorry, Al. C'mere." I hold my arms open to her and she crawls into my lap, resting her head under my chin and sobs. "She's Bella," I say like it is the answer to everything. "She's going to be fine."

She nods against my chin and gives a very un-Alice like swipe under her nose with the back of her hand.

"She is. She's going to be fine."

Is she trying to convince me or herself?

Does it matter?

"Where's Jazz, Emmett and Rose?"

"Around." She shrugs. "Some of Mom's group girls came by and she and Rose are with them. I didn't want to intrude. Jazz and Em went to the cafeteria, I think. Jazz had to talk Emmett down."

"Down? Down from what?"

"Going to kick Chase's ass. He feels so betrayed. He trusted him." Suddenly Alice giggles.

"What?" I can't help a small smile.

"I think Charlie almost let him."

I snort. "I think Charlie would want first dibs."

"There _might_ have been a coin toss." She laughs some more.

Soon we are both laughing. It's meaningless and cathartic all at once. We both stop at the same time realizing how we must look.

Al peers up at me. "How does she look really?"

I have to look away from the hope in her eyes. My mouth goes dry and swallowing hurts like sandpaper is being dragged across my throat. In my mind, I see her; waxen like death, the tubes, the sounds, her beautiful face, puffy, swollen and bruised, the marks that even the modest covering of her gown and the sheets can't hide.

"Not good."

She remains quiet for a moment then gets off my lap and straightens her shoulders in a way that would make any Military General take notice.

"She's Bella. She's going to be fine," she says, echoing my previous words before squeezing my hand.

I hope so. God, I hope so.

"I'm going to get coffee. You wanna come with?"

"No," I shake my head.

* * *

><p>I stare at the floor and watch the feet as they pass by until two sets of nearly matching Doc Marten covered feet, one large pair and one small pair stop in front of me.<p>

Slowly I raise my head at the intrusion to see a girl with a mass of riotous red curls standing with a guy that looks like he just stepped off the cover of Skin and Ink magazine.

They were scary as fuck and they were looking right at me.

"You must be Edward," the girl says and there is something sad and sympathetic in her voice.

"Who are you?" I know I sound rude but I am not exactly in the mood for social niceties right now.

"Vicki. This is my boyfriend, Garrett."

This is Vicki? Or should I say Vick? My face must register my surprise because she chuckles.

"I see you heard of me."

"Yeah. Bella told me a little about you."

"Well, she told me a lot about you. She _was_ right. You _are_ a total hottie."

In surprise and some fear, I look at her boyfriend and he doesn't seem to mind that his girlfriend just called another guy "a hottie".

"And your ears _do_ turn pink when you're embarrassed. How cute is that?"

Now that she mentions it, my ears do feel hot. I resist the urge to touch them.

"Vick, stop harassing the poor guy." Garrett finally speaks, his voice rough and deep like he smokes too many cigarettes.

"I'm sorry," she apologizes to me and sits down. "I tend to lose my verbal filter when I'm nervous and when I'm angry...and when I'm scared and...oh you see what I mean."

Her tough facade rips away just like that and I see her for the girl she is, the girl I know Bella saw.

"It's okay."

"Your Mom gave me some of the details. Have you seen her yet?"

"Yeah." I turn away trying to hide the burn of tears threatening again.

Vicki remains silent. She doesn't ask how she looks or how she is and funnily enough I appreciate that. It's like she knows.

"She's strong," I say to fill the quiet.

Vicki turns to me, her eyes fierce. "You bet your ass she is."

I let out a small broken laugh as I dig the heels of my palms into my eyes.

"You're going to have to be strong too," Garrett tells me as he flanks my other side. "So, you better make sure you do all your breaking down shit now before she wakes up."

"Easy for you to say," I mumble. He's not the one that spent twelve fucking hours waiting to hear if his girlfriend were alive or dead.

"Once upon a time, I was exactly where you were now."

Shit. Me and my big fucking mouth.

"How did you cope?"

"One hour at a time, my friend." He takes Vicki's hand and kisses her knuckles. "One fucking hour at a time."

* * *

><p><strong>Esme POV<strong>

I am not an angry person by nature. I loathe foul language and abhor violent movies. I am more inclined to stop an argument rather than start one. I've been told that compassion and forgiveness are my strengths.

But like the rest of my family, my strength has been tested over the last twenty hours.

No, I am not an angry person by nature. Today, I am one out of circumstance.

There is nothing I would like to do more than march into the police station and give Coach Chase the mental mind fuck of the century. I could do it to. I'd put to use whatever psychiatric tricks I have in my arsenal, medical license be damned.

Phil Dwyer is dead, damn his rotten soul to hell.

The turn of my thoughts should shock me but they don't. I should feel guilty for damning anyone but I can't.

As I look around me all I see is the emotional and physical destruction those two men have brought to my family, Bella included.

Edward is more destroyed than I've ever seen him; reverting back to that little panicked boy he was when I first met him. For him, the idea of losing Bella is so debilitating it scares me. I worry that he may do something drastic should the worst happen; something that cannot be reversed easily, if ever.

Emmett, always so strong and perhaps more wise and sensitive than any of us give him credit for has lost the innocent child-like trust he places in most people. That concept he has always held, that people are inherently good, is gone replaced by something colder.

Alice is heartbroken, of course, as I knew she would be. Bella is as close to her as any sister by blood would be but I worry about Alice the least. She breaks quick but she recovers faster. I've never seen her stay down too long when something has upset her. I pray this time is no different.

Bella. I am amazed and oh, so proud of her strength and temerity, her resourcefulness and above all, her sheer force of will. I don't know many, young or old who could have faced what she did and come out the other side. Of course, none of us knows yet what happened in those hours she had been taken. Based on Carlisle's assessment of her injuries, none of it was good. I can only thank the good Lord above that sexual assault hadn't been one of them.

I know Jasper helped Bella a lot over the past weeks and it is probably because of his training that Bella survived as well as she did. I told him this earlier but he shrugged it off and turned away, his face grim and eyes shuttered. He and Bella had formed a tight bond. Not in any romantic way, of course, but something just as strong and although he has been a rock of logic through this whole ordeal, he is close to the ledge that Edward almost succumbed to. I hope I am wrong.

I look at Rose to see how she is holding up. She is another strong one. She's had to be. The past hours have effected her more than she's let on but she remains resilient and steadfast, reassuring Charlie, Jasper and Emmett and even me. She'll make a good psychologist one day and a good mom, I think.

Bree, Jane, Vicki, Irina and Maria are here. Another testament to how Bella has affected all of our lives with her strength. I know they are also here for me. For a year, I have been guardian of their safe space, helping to guide them through the darkest period any young woman would have to face and now the tables have turned. They are now my rock.

It's hard for me to admit to needing support. I am the one that always gives it. It's how it's supposed to be but today I don't shy from the assistance, I take comfort in it.

Relief can be a double edged sword, I come to find out. Carlisle, who has worked tirelessly this whole time, who has made it his personal mission to save the girl that means so much to all of us has just told Charlie the swelling in her brain went down but not as much as they hoped. Surgery may still be an option but there are risks with a ventriculostomy; the most prominent being infection and she's already at high risk for that given the hypothermia and her collapsed lung.

"What exactly is a ventric-whatever you just said?" Charlie asks my husband.

Knowing what it is, I wince on Carlisle's behalf.

"We would need to drill a hole in her skull and drain the excess fluid," Carlisle responds in the simplest way possible and I can tell he hates to say it that way but there is no easy way to put it.

Charlie turns green and I can't blame him. I'm only glad that Edward is elsewhere and doesn't have to hear it too.

"When would I need to make a decision?"

"We have some time. I'll arrange for another test in a couple more hours. If the swelling hasn't decreased significantly by then I'm going to have to recommend it. The alternative is not an option."

The words are grim and the implications are clear. There are no other alternatives.

* * *

><p><strong>Edward POV<strong>

It's a close call but by nightfall, we receive word that Bella's brain swelling has dissipated to a level Dad is comfortable with. Surgery won't be necessary. We all breathe a collective sigh of relief.

The hospital waiting room isn't as crowded as it was during the day. There was a steady stream of visitors and as much as I liked her friends being here to see Bella and support her, it heavily shortened the amount of time I could spend with her.

Mom gave up trying to convince me to go home and get rest. What am I going to do at home? Sleep? Not likely, not while Bella's here. Eat? As if I could stomach anything at the moment. I can't remember the last time I did eat. My stomach decides to punctuate on that and it growls loudly. Fucking traitor.

"Here." Emmett shoves a white bag in my hand. I can smell cheeseburger and I see the grease stains on the bottom of the bag. "Rose and I brought you back something from the diner."

"Thanks."

"You shacking up here tonight?"

"Dad is letting me sleep in the cot in his office."

He snorts. "I'm surprised you didn't insist on sleeping in Bella's room."

"I did," I admit sheepishly. "He wouldn't let me. Said it would disrupt the care of the other patients."

"Makes sense."

It does. I just don't like it.

* * *

><p>For the next couple of days, I live, eat and breathe the antiseptic air of Forks Community Hospital. I never stray far from Bella's side; talking to her, reliving our memories together in a verbal montage; hoping some of what I say seeps through to her unconscious mind.<p>

Charlie and I bond over Bella's bedside too. He's been removed from the case due to personal involvement. The FBI has stepped in, claiming jurisdiction since it involves kidnapping. I think he is grateful rather than territorial. It gives him more time to spend with Bella.

He tells me stories of Bella as a young girl and how much he missed seeing her grow up. He also tells me he wishes things could have been different with him and Renee but Forks was too small to hold her and he loved her too much to make her stay. His biggest regret was not being more involved in Bella's life; how she had kept from him what really was going on, insisting everything was fine.

"If I'd only listened to my gut," he says as he shakes his head. "Bella never complained to me, not once. I suppose she was trying to protect Renee but I should've seen that. I should've known. Renee had never been the June Cleaver type."

I don't have the heart to tell him I don't know who June Cleaver is.

On the third day, Bella is taken off the drugs that are keeping her in the medically induced coma. It should only be hours until she wakes up and I can see her brown eyes shining back at me. It'll also be hours before the doctors will be able to tell if she has any lasting neurological damage. It scares me to death.

Seeing I am just about to lose it, Charlie orders me from the room to shower and get something in my stomach.

"You look like hell, kid," he tells me in the pull no punches way I've become accustomed to. "Get your ass in a shower and some food in your belly. Bella's not going anywhere."

Not physically but will she still be the same Bella when she wakes up?


	44. Chapter 44

**Bella POV**

I hear sounds…no…not sounds…a _voice_…coming from so far away. I am underwater, floating in an abyss, a black hole that that has no beginning, no end…just infinite space. I try to reach for the words…they were almost…soothing, soft as they were in their cadence. I want away from the darkness. I want to cocoon myself in the warm phrases that are being spoken to me.

I feel like I'm being sucked up into a tornado and dropped right into Oz. I become aware of a few things at the same time; citrus, the smell was everywhere...tickling…a cool, wet cloth on my brow and warmth… I feel a soft touch and warm breath. The words were becoming decipherable.

"Bella. Bella, sweetie."

My eyes blink open and I am met with a twin pair of robin egg blue eyes staring back at me.

"_Mom_?" My mouth is dry and cottony tasting with almost a metallic flavor on my tongue.

Her body visibly relaxes and a warm smile breaks out over her face.

"Yes, Bella. It's Mom. You had us worried. You've been very ill."

"Ill?" I parrot her in confusion as I look around me. I'm not where I expect to be. "Where am I?"

The room is dimly lit by a bedside lamp but I can see I am in my room in Forks…only it's different. Walls that were sage green are now yellow. My ugly, old, dark wooden dresser has magically turned into an off white, very girly one.

The picture of Edward and I on the lamp table has been replaced by a picture of Renee, Charlie and me; together at Disney Land, only we never went there all together. There's another one of me posing with Jasper, Rose, Angela and Ben except I don't look like me, not really. My hair is shorter, my smile different. Where are Edward, Alice and Emmett? Shouldn't they be in the picture as well?

This is wrong. So wrong.

Renee is dead.

I am not supposed to be here.

Where ever _here_ is.

"Where's Edward?" I ask, panicking. I try to sit up but Renee stops me and eases me back down until my head is once more resting against a fluffy pillow covered in lavender sheets. At least that hasn't changed.

"Edward?" Her face scrunches in confusion.

"Edward Cullen."

"Bella, why would he be here? The Cullens just moved to Forks last week. You barely know the boy."

_No. That can't be right._

"He's my boyfriend."

"Oh, dear." She looks at me like she doesn't know what to say or think. "Sweetie, Edward isn't your boyfriend. You don't have a boyfriend. Don't worry," she attempts a shaky smile. "From what I understand Edward is a very good looking boy. You just probably have a little bit of a crush on him. Dr. Gerandy said there might be some confusion when you woke up because of the high fever."

"What? No! Edward _is_ my boyfriend." I grab her sleeve. I need something to hold on to. "Why won't you believe me?"

"Oh, Bella." She shakes her head at me and her face takes on a sympathetic look.

No. I'm going to be sick. Part of me want this so badly; to have Renee alive and living this life and it hurts. This can't be real.

"Phil, what happened to Phil? Is he dead? Did Charlie kill him?"

"Who's Phil and why on earth would your dad want to kill him?"

"He…he was…you married him and he…"

"Married to this Phil person?" she chuckles, wiping the damp cloth along my forehead again. "Honey, I think you need to get some more rest. Your dad and I have been happily married for the past seventeen years. I think you just had a very bad dream."

No, I want to scream. You're dead and Phil killed you and almost killed me. Edward is my boyfriend.

But I don't say any of those things.

"That's probably it," I say; my voice despondent as she hands me a glass of water and some medicine.

"Sounds like some dream though."

"You could say that. A lot of it was a nightmare. You were…" I cut myself off with a shake of my head. How can I not remember anything of this life? It's so insane. Am _I_ insane?

"I was what?"

I shake my head again. My head pounds.

"Nothing."

"I'm going to call your dad to tell him your fever broke." She stands up and walks towards the door. "You get some more sleep. I'm sure you'll feel more like yourself when you wake up again."

Myself? Who is that? Do I know anymore?

"Mom?"

"Yes, Bella?"

"I love you."

"Oh Bella, I love you too and I will always protect you. Don't forget, you can't linger here too long, everyone's waiting for you to wake up."

But I am up, aren't I?

_I love you_

_I will always protect you._

_Everyone's waiting for you to wake up._

_Wake up._

_Everyone's waiting for you to wake up._

These words follow me back into the abyss.

I float again wavering in between consciousness and unconsciousness; semi-aware of the weightless feeling of my body.

The smell isn't so pleasing the next time I become aware. There's no sweet scent of citrus only the pungent odor of disinfectant, rubbing alcohol and bandages. There are machine like sucking sounds and a high pitched beeping that makes my head hurt.

I groan and blink rapidly but the light is too bright.

Where am I?

"C'mon Bells. Everyone's waiting for you to wake up."

Charlie?

I move my head towards the voice and feel rough calloused hands over my cold ones. My fingers twitch and the hand tightens its hold.

"Too bright," I manage through my sore dry throat. The cottony, metallic taste is still there.

I don't feel right, like I can't move. My brain is fuzzy.

"Hang on, I'll dim the lights."

I can hear Charlie's heavy feet shuffling across the floor and the light isn't as bright as it was before.

I blink rapidly again and this time it's much easier for me to creak my eyes open. They immediately try to moisten and I can barely see anything through the wet blur.

"Hospital?" I question, noticing the machines around me for the first time and the tubes stuck in my nose. Did the fever get worse? Is that why I'm here?

"Yeah." Charlie scrubs his jaw.

He looks terrible. His eyes are sunken and dark under the rims and he almost has a full growth of beard on his face.

I frown and then notice the tubes that snake up my scar ridden arms and the wires connecting me to the machines. There is a slight bump under the front of my blue and white hospital gown and I'm terrified to see what it is.

"Where's Mom?"

"Renee?" His voice breaks like the question upsets him.

"She was here…when I woke up before."

Charlie turns away but not before I see the tears fall down his cheeks into his beard.

Understanding dawns.

Maybe, it _had_ been a dream.

"She...wasn't here, was she?"

"No…no kiddo, she wasn't."

I have to ask. I have to know.

"Edward?" _Please be real, please._

This makes him smile a bit. "The kid hasn't left the hospital since you've been brought in. In fact, he's going to have my hide now that you're up and he wasn't here to see it. I sent him to go get something to eat."

Relief floods me and tears prick my eyes.

"Maybe we should lie," I whisper trying to crack a grin but my lips warble.

I've only been up a few moments and already I'm so tired.

"Maybe we should get Dr. Cullen in here instead. I want him to take a look at you now that you're up."

In a very un-Charlie-like display of affection, he leans over and gently presses his lips to my forehead.

"Don't ever scare me like that again," he says before walking out into the hall.

Left to my own devices, I look under my gown and see an ugly looking tube going into my chest. Oh, gross. There's a catheter too. Jeez, how embarrassing.

Lying back down, I can see a bit of my reflection in the small screen television perched on a crane near my bed. I look awful...horrible. My face is a puffy rainbow of purples, blues, yellow and greens and my head is partially bandaged with white gauze and surgical tape.

I shove the TV away.

It hits a silver mylar balloon sending it flying across the room. It's a giant happy face that has the phrase "Get Well Soon!" on it. There are other balloons as well and the more I look, I can see get well cards all over every available surface space and even a few small stuffed animals. There are no flowers anywhere and I know immediately I am in ICU again.

Carlisle and a middle aged blonde haired nurse enter the room.

"You gave us quite a scare, young lady." His tone is admonishing but the relief in his eyes and his bright smile tell me he is happy. Tired but happy. "How do you feel?"

How _do_ I feel? I take some time to think about this.

"I guess I expected to be in more pain."

"That's the morphine drip." He points to an IV bag filled with clear liquid. "You'll probably feel foggy too so don't panic. It's completely normal."

"What about weird dreams? Are those normal?"

"Morphine has many different side effects, strange dreams can be one. Appropriately enough, morphine is named after Morpheus, the Greek God of dreams."

Interesting.

The nurse gets to work checking my blood pressure while Carlisle checks my eyes with a light and nods before sticking it back in the front pocket of his lab coat. He tells the nurse, she can go after updating my chart. When she leaves, he sits on the edge of my bed.

"Do you remember what brought you here, Bella?"

His words have a cautious edge.

He doesn't want to ask me but he has to, I realize.

"I do," I say as my body automatically stiffens. "I remember everything."

"That's excellent. I mean, I know you would rather forget but neurologically speaking, it's a very good sign."

He's nervous, I think, trying to be clinical and fatherly all at once and for some reason it makes me smile.

"Dr...I mean, Carlisle," I correct myself at his look when I begin to use his professional moniker. "It's okay."

He's open when it comes to the injuries I obtained. My jaunt running through the woods and falling cost me a broken ankle and a collapsed lung. He tells me I've been in a medically induced coma because of a severe head injury and of course, there was the stab wound in my thigh from the Swiss Army knife and a multitude of contusions and abrasions that cover most of me.

By all accounts, I think I should be dead...maybe I had been for a time. I can't say for sure and when I ask Carlisle, he reluctantly admits there was a very short period in the ambulance when my heart had stopped.

"The F.B.I. is anxiously waiting to speak to you but before I give them clearance, is there anyone _you_ would like to see first?"

He smiles. He already knows.

"Edward. I want to see Edward."

I know it's very vain of me but I wish I had a toothbrush or even a hairbrush..._something_. I have to make do with finger combing my hair, avoiding the bandage and swishing water around my mouth.

There's a shadow lingering in the doorway. I turn to look and my heart stutters when I see him. He looks so lost, like a small boy; hands fisted in his pockets and hair, an unruly mass of bronze. He just stares, wide eyed and scared like he's afraid I am going to disappear.

Silently, I hold my hand out to him and he needs no futher invitation. In two long strides, he crosses the room, grabs my hand and presses it to his scratchy unshaven cheek. His eyes well, making them look like liquid emerald pools.

"Bella." His voice is low and raspy and the way he says my name, desperate longing, speaks volumes.

He sits on the edge of the bed and I can tell he is afraid to touch me, to hurt me.

"Hold me, please."

His whole body shakes on a broken sob but he is smiling. As he carefully wraps one arm around me, I use what little strength I have to burrow myself into him, inhaling him in.

He breaks.

I soothe.

"I'm here. I didn't leave you."

He sobs harder. I must have hit a nerve. I know I did.

"I'm supposed to be the strong one," he says on the egde of a loud sniffle.

"You are," I assure him. "You're my rock. My Edward."

He pulls back and wipes his nose on his sleeve. "I think your rock eroded to a pebble because I'm not doing such a good job."

"But you _do_...you _have_...everyday. I don't think I would have made it without you. You helped me become strong again."

"I was so worried. The thought that-" He looks away, clenching his eyes shut and biting his bottom lip.

"I know."

He turns back to me, his face taut and his eyes filled with determination. "I'm going to help you get through this Bella. I mean it. Whatever you need, I'll do it. If you want me to camp at out the foot of your bed, I'm sure Charlie might bitch some but I'll work around that."

I think he's only half teasing on that one.

"I just need you to love me."

"Sweetheart, you don't even have to ask."

I study his face and the shock of white hair that wasn't there before. I just barely remember it before I passed out on that wet stretch of road.

"There is something I _do_ want to ask."

"Anything. You name it."

"What happened to your hair?"

His ears pinken. Oh, I've missed that so much.

"Acute stress reaction or so I'm told." He sighs heavily. "There was a point you were missing when we thought you were...dead." He stumbles over the word, swallows and continues. "The cabin where they figured you were being kept was burnt to the ground and we thought you might have still been inside. I...well, I lost it."

The horror of it is evident on his face and I smoothe out the worry lines on his forehead with my fingers.

"I think it looks dashing," I tell him becasue I don't want to dwell on the bad things, at least not right now. There will be time enough for that later and I am getting tired again.

"Dashing, huh?" He wriggles his eyebrows.

"Very."

Someone clears their throat from the doorway and Edward and I both startle. It's Carlisle and he looks a bit sheepish for intruding.

"Bella, I hate to interrupt but I want to take you for some tests now before you speak with the F.B.I."

I'm subjected to a battery of tests whose acronyms I barely understand and by the time I am finished, my eyes are drooping and I am exhausted. Since I woke up, I've had no time to just be; make sense of it all and deep down I am not sure if there is much sense to be made.

When I am wheeled back into my room, I am greeted by a man and a woman, both similarly dressed in what I supposed is standard government issue wear; white shirts, black suit jackets, black pants and ugly shoes.

Their expressions match as well; somber and professional. They don't wince at my bandages, my scars or my rainbow colored, swollen face. They've done this before.

"Not too much time," Carlisle warns them. "Miss Swan needs her rest."

It's weird to hear him call me Miss Swan but I suppose it's for the agents' sakes.

My fingers grip the starchy white sheets and I dart my eyes between the two agents. "Can I...I mean would it be possible to have someone with me?"

They look at eachother in what I imagine is silent communication before the woman turns to me and nods.

"Would you like me to get your Dad?" Carlisle asks.

I shake my head. I love my Dad but he's not the one I want with me right now. Maybe it's selfish of me, maybe it's that crazy dream that fuels the desire to make sure he is still real, still a part of my world but I need Edward.


	45. Chapter 45

**Edward POV**

I'm already on my way walking back to Bella's room when I see my father step out and lean against the wall with a weary sigh. He scrubs his hand down his face and what it reveals in his expression propels my feet faster on the tiled floor.

He looks more tired than I've ever seen him. The relentless hours spent waiting and then in the operating room have taken their toll. But is there more to it than that?

Anxiety, like groping, tangled vines climb through me; seizing and strangling whatever small sense of peace I had found since Bella awoke.

"Dad? Is something wrong?"

He shakes his head and turns to me. His whole face seems to be frowning and there's a grim awareness in his eyes that wasn't there before.

"I've always known evil exists," His voice is low and chilling, making the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end. "but for the most part, I've always taken the Bible at its word; hate the sin and not the sinner. I guess I do not have as much faith as I once thought. I've been angry, I've disliked, I've been shocked and mortified but I have never…_hated_ anyone enough to disregard my beliefs, but Edward, I do now." He presses his palms to his eyes and wearily shakes his head again. "Bella wants to see you. The F.B.I is inside with her."

His admission scares me. This is not the loving, compassionate father I grew up with. This man is a stranger whose words of hate echo my own thoughts. I reach over and grab him in a tight hug because he needs it…because I need it. He grips me hard in the embrace and lets out a harsh, stuttered breath.

"Will you be okay?"

"I'm fine." He gives me a tight, compressed smile when he pulls away. "Just tired. Forgive me."

I don't think he's asking for just my forgiveness.

Bella is sitting up in a reclined position talking to the agents when I enter the room. All eyes shift to me and I can feel the agents' assessing gazes as they eye me up and down. I ignore their presence; my own focus going immediately to Bella.

"You wanted to see me?"

"Yeah," she says, trying to sit up a bit further but hisses through her teeth in pain. Seeing her struggle, I cross the room quickly to assist her. She looks back at the two agents. "Can you give us a few minutes, please?"

"Sure," the woman says as she stands up. "We'll be right outside when you're ready."

"I need to ask you something," Bella tells me after they leave us alone.

I pull a chair to her bedside and sit down. "Anything." If she wants me to harness the moon for her, I'd find a way to do it.

When she looks directly at me, her eyes are both luminous and wary; projecting an uncertainty that had been absent for a while. I never wanted to see it again but here it is. She bites her bottom lip in that way she has and her fingers twist at the bed sheets.

"It's probably the most selfish thing I've ever asked you."

I want to scoff at her. Bella and selfish don't even fit into the same sentence. But she is quite serious and so I answer just as seriously.

"Ask me."

"I need to give a statement to the F.B.I. I was wondering if you'll stay here when I do it."

"Of-"

"You don't have to," she interrupts in a rush, her face coloring. "I mean if it's too much to ask. It'll be hard-"

I don't want to feel that burst of anger at her but I do. I wasn't able to help her when she was at the mercy of those monsters, I'll be damned if I'm not here for her now.

"Don't." The word comes out harsher than I wanted and she flinches. "Of course, I'll sit with you." My voice is softer now. "I want to."

Taking her hand in mine, I notice that all the blood has been leeched from it, leaving behind raised blue veins under alabaster skin. But her grip is surprisingly strong, like she is trying to pull strength from me by sheer force of will. She can have it all.

She blows at a breath and looks at me; trying to smile, trying to be brave. "Okay. I'm ready."

"Would you like me to call them back in?"

"Please."

I'm loathe to let go of her but I do.

"She's ready," I tell the agents, peeking my head out the door. I want to say something more, something along the lines of 'if you make her cry, I will rip your heads off" but I remain silent.

Agent Denali and Agent Volturi are serious and professional and maybe it's because she's a woman, Agent Denali doesn't seem as formidable as her partner. There is a kindness to her eyes that makes me hope this won't be too horrible for Bella to endure.

Agent Volturi on the other hand makes me restless. He's all business, radiating no emotion as he rests a micro voice recorder on the over bed tray table; his hand hovering over the record button. He looks at his partner and nods just once before pressing down.

So it begins.

"We're going to try to make this as quick and painless as possible for you, Bella," Agent Denali tells her but her eyes stray to me as well. She must sense my need to defend Bella, if need be even if it is against the Feds. "But we do have to be thorough."

Bella's hand slides across the starchy white sheets towards me and grabs my hand again. "I understand."

"Good. Now can you start with what happened when you first encountered Philip Dwyer and James Chase at your place of employment?"

Bella begins to speak, haltingly at first; her sentences disjointed until she finds a rhythm. I can't drag my eyes away even though I want to close them as if doing so would shelter me from the onslaught of rage and helplessness I feel.

The more she talks, the less like Bella she sounds. Her voice is cold and distant; the words matter-of-fact, like she is talking about someone else and not herself. Deep down I know it's her way of separating herself from the attack, from her time spent being held captive but it doesn't make it any less disturbing to listen to it.

Two hours later, I am…_Jesus fuck_. I scrape my hand down my face, catching my nails on the three days old worth of scruff on my jaw. I don't know _what_ the hell I am. I don't think there are strong enough words in the English language to describe how I am…how I _feel_. Even if there are, my brain is too fried to remember what they are.

To say it was worse than I imagined would be a lie. During those fifteen hours she had been missing, my mind had conjured up all sorts of disturbing images and scenarios that had left me breathless and shaking. But there had always been some small piece of logic in my brain talking me off the ledge.

The knowledge I have now is staggering because it's real. The truth is in her eyes, marked by the strain that surrounds them and in her quivering mouth as she speaks.

It's over, I keep telling myself; a repetitive mantra that neither soothes nor heals.

When those agents play back the tape, I'm sure there will be quite a few hisses, growls and creative swear words that won't be Bella's. They would be mine.

The agents are impressed by her bravery and her resourcefulness. So am I. My heart swells with pride even as it bleeds for what she's been through.

I am so in awe of her...so fucking in awe.

To do what she did, against what she had to face, I am convinced there is no one stronger than Bella.

_No one._

When the agents leave, she lets out a deep sigh, her head sinking further into the pillow. The tension around her eyes is more pronounced than before and even though she watches me with half lidded eyes, they are filled with guilt.

"Are you okay?" she asks me in a tired voice.

I feel my jaw drop. Is she fucking serious right now? Am I okay? She's asking me?

After over two hours of listening to my girlfriend give explicit details on how she was beaten, nearly raped and murdered I am on emotion overload and there is nowhere for it to go.

"I'm fine, Bella. Please don't worry about me. How are you?"

My lips skate over her knuckles, letting them tether me to humanity. I feel something in me growing, something restless and unforgiving; a need to punish, to make someone feel as I do right now. Her touch is the only thing that can calm this raging storm within my gut. Suddenly, I have a deep hatred for the wires and the tubes that prevent me from curling myself around her, from feeling the thrumming vibration of her heartbeat against my chest and her warm breath at my neck.

"I know it had to be hard for you. Don't lie." Her voice is raspy and hoarse, her body is worn out but she still has a tenuous smile on her face, trying to sooth me.

I want to lie if only to make her worry lines go away. But it gets stuck in my throat. She would see through it anyway.

"You're my fucking hero," I tell her instead.

"Edward."

"No, I'm serious. You are."

"And you're avoiding my question."

"What do you want me to say, Bella?" My voice cracks and my eyes sting. "It _was_ hard, okay? I just..._damn it_." My fingers press against the bridge of my nose. "Don't you know I would do anything for you, no matter what?"

"I know."

A dark, strangled chuckle builds from my chest and forces its way out through my teeth. She says she knows but I don't think she does, not really.

"This may sound incredibly cliché but I'd kill for you... I would die for you."

Her eyes snap up to meet mine and her slacks. I've shocked her. She shakes her head back and forth in denial but I can't take the words back. I don't want to.

"Edward, no." Tears leak from the corners of her eyes, streaking a path down the side of her nose. "Don't say that."

"I've never lied to you before. I won't start now." I kiss her, tasting the salt of her freshly fallen tears that soften her chapped lips. "You should get some rest."

"You too," she whispers.

I probably should. I haven't had a decent night's sleep in four days. Sleeping in a lumpy hospital chair that doesn't accommodate 6'2" frames very well doesn't count. There was nowhere else I would have wanted to be while she was comatose.

"And maybe shave." She brings her hand up to stroke the scruffy three day old growth on my face.

"You think?" I clasp her hand against my face. "I kind of like it."

"Would you also like a girlfriend with beard rash on her face?"

"Good point." I nod. "My lips are the only things I want on your face."

I kiss her again because I have to. Because it's been too long since I've been able to and I feel like I'm going through some sort of Bella withdrawal.

It's not until I am home under the hot torrent of water in the shower that I finally break. After holding everything in for Bella's sake, I lose it; pounding on the slick, black and white tiles, my mouth opens in a silent scream.

_"They pushed me into a hard chair and tied me up."_

_"I vomited on Phil's shoes and he backhanded me."_

_"Chase killed their father and Phil helped him cover him up. That's why Chase was helping him. To return a favor."_

_"He was going to rape me because he thought I was a virgin. He wanted to train me. I told him I wasn't, not anymore. He became very angry."_

_"I used the Swiss army knife key chain to cut the ropes. I tried to get away."_

_"Phil had a knife. He cut me when I tried to run."_

_"Chase came back and they tied me up again and put me in the trunk."_

_"I think he set the cabin on fire."_

_"I kept running and falling. I thought I was going to die."_

* * *

><p>After putting on my sweatpants and a ratty old Linkin Park concert tee, I finally allow myself to sink into bed and under the covers. My eyes drift closed as soon as I hit the pillow.<p>

My eyes snap open to complete darkness with the one exception of light filtering in from the underside of the doorframe. I feel disoriented and my mouth feels pasty like I downed half a bottle of Elmer's glue

What the fuck? It was light when I fell asleep.

Rolling over, I blink and squint at my digital alarm, trying to bring the blurred numbers into focus.

9:08 pm

I only meant to sleep a couple of hours. Instead, I slept seven.

_Damn it._

Rain, fueled by the howling March wind slaps against the large panel window in my room. Lightening crashes against a violent roll of thunder, illuminating the night sky making the swaying tree branches look like long outstretched arms with claws.

I jackknife upward, ignoring my sleep-stiff body's protests and scramble out from under the bedcovers. The feel of my bare feet on plush carpet grounds me into the present and I wait a few moments for the frantic drumming of my heartbeat to subside to a normal rhythm before attempting to move.

Opening the door of my room, I am immediately hit with a familiar heart-wrenching smell; one that brings back memories of the first time I played my piano for Bella, one that makes my stomach let out a roar in anticipation. Macaroni and cheese. Not just any macaroni and cheese but Bella's Grandma Swan's macaroni and cheese.

Before I can even comprehend what I am doing, I fling open my door and rush out of my room, racing towards the scent. Utter deflation sets in when I see only Mom and Emmett.

I realize why.

For just one infinitesimal moment I allowed myself to believe that Bella was in my kitchen and that the past four days have been a nightmare.

"Did you have a nice nap?" Mom turns to me with a smile, her hands cased in oven gloves, holding a crockpot filled to the brim of bubbling orange-yellow, cheesy goo.

"That smells like Bella's recipe," I blurt out, ignoring the question, partly because sleeping seven hours does not qualify for a nap.

"It is. Charlie gave it to me."

"Really?"

"Upon Bella's request for you. Apparently, it's some big family secret. Would you like some?"

That would be a hell, yeah.

Rendered mute, I just nod. Sitting across from Emmett, I'm still trying to fight the surrealism of what I feel. My eyes dart to the corners of the room, half expecting Bella to appear. Her absence is strangling. Figments of memories of her are an integral part of this house now and everyone living in it. I see traces of her everywhere and the images burn into me, morphing into the vision of her, pale and bruised lying lifeless in an antiseptic room that has no warmth.

"It's awesome, Bro." Emmett's voice pulls me back to reality.

Abruptly I turn to him, narrowing my eyes. "You had some?" I don't know why I feel to territorial about the food but I do.

Mom snorts as she places a heaping dish in front of me. "He nearly ate the whole first batch."

"Well, Whitey was taking too long to wake his ass up. Can't let good sh..uh…food like that go to waste."

I scowl at him, my hands drifting towards the white streak that I know will be a permanent brand reminding me every day of that horrible piece of time when I though the unconscionable had happened.

"Bite me," I tell him before shoving a forkful of mac and cheese in my mouth. It's a sin not to relish the taste of it on my tongue by my thoughts are already far away from here, only focused on one thing and one thing only.

Going back to Bella.

"Where do you think you're going young man?" Mom asks as I shove my arms into my black hoodie.

"To the hospital."

"Not with this storm outside."

She's blocking the door with her arms crossed, in full no-nonsense mode. I know the look well. There is no way in hell, short of the threat of a thermonuclear war, that she is letting me leave.

"But Ma-"

"Don't 'but Ma' me. It's not safe. Not even your father is letting Alice and Jasper drive back in this. They have to wait it out over there."

"They're at the hospital?"

Alice and Jazz are where I want to be, where I should be. I don't know whether to grateful because someone is with Bella, keeping her company or jealous that it's not me.

"Please." I go in for the kill with pouty lips and puppy dog eyes.

"No," she says, her lips twitching with the urge to smile. She's onto me and I am stuck. "You can see her tomorrow."

"It won't be so bad, Eddo." Emmett slings his arm around my shoulders. "We can play video games or watch bad reality TV."

"Where's Rose? You can watch Honey Boo Boo with her."

His eyes level on me; serious and sad. "It's Tuesday, Ed. You know Rose works nights on Tuesdays."

Jesus. It's _Tuesday_. I hadn't been paying attention to the days passing only that they _were_ passing and all the while I've been stuck on a continual loop. Time has been monitored, not by clocks or by newspapers, but by rotating nurse's shifts. Life has moved on and forward while I remained stationary.

Everyone is still asleep when I leave the house in the morning. The sun has decided to bless Forks with its presence and even the birds sing in thanks for it. I make the twenty minute drive to the hospital in fifteen and that's even with a quick stop for coffee.

It's before visiting hours but I have a free pass. I walk through the reception area, waving to the nurses and make my way to the elevator bank. The ICU unit is quiet, the mood somber. The smell of impending death that could strike at any moment permeates the air with its funk. Monitors beep and I can hear the distinct sounds of breathing tubes and ventilators. I try to ignore it all as I walk to Bella's room.

"Mr. Cullen," Nurse Siobhan follows me down the hall but I ignore her too. "Mr. Cullen."

Damn, she is persistent. There is no way she is going to stop me though. She can threaten to call security all she wants. I have one goal. See Bella.

When I get to her room, it's empty. Clean, white sheets lay wrinkle-free on the bed, the television is off and its crane is far away from the bed. There are no machines, no "get well" balloons or cards but most importantly, there is no Bella. It has been stripped bare. Not one hint that she has ever been here is left behind.

_The fuck?_

Panic rises swift and sharp as I stare unseeingly into the room, gripping the edge of the door for support. My chest tightens and beyond the sudden roar in my ears, I hear the rubber-soled footfalls of the nurse coming up behind me.

"Where is she?" My voice is guttural, demanding and I turn to face her. "Where _is_ she?"

"I'm sorry. I thought your father would have told you."

I feel my stomach literally drop to my knees.

It's not true. No. Not after everything.

Just no.

"...in room 304."

"Wait. What did you say?"

"I said she's been cleared from ICU. She was put in room 304. Dr. Cullen didn't tell you?"

A laugh bubbles up and escapes.

Relief.

"Mr. Cullen? Edward? Are you alright?"

"I'm perfect," I assure her. And I am. "Is the hospital gift shop open?"

"In five minutes," she says, checking her watch.

The middle-aged woman behind the glass door just finishes turning the sign on the window from "Closed" to "Open" when I get there. The shop is filled with a menagerie of items from books to cards, to pink and blue teddy bears. I ignore it all, focusing instead on the large glass refrigerator of flowers.

"Can I help you?"

"Do you have any Tiger Lilies?"

"We certainly do. How many would you like?"

"All of them."


	46. Chapter 46

**A/N - **Correction on the previous chapter...Edward bought primroses at the florist, not tiger lilies. My brain took a left turn...sorry.

* * *

><p><strong>Bella POV<strong>

"You up for some company?"

The softly spoken voice breaks through the distant sound of thunder mixed with the redundant blips of the machines next to my bed and the hushed whispers of hospital employees as they quietly scuffle up and down the halls wheeling their carts of medicine and food.

I shift my gaze from the window to see Jazz leaning in the doorway, shoulders slouched, ankles crossed and hands tucked into his front pockets. The stance is utterly casual but his face expresses deep concern. After the barrage of testing and all the poking and prodding I had been subjected to after Edward left, I wonder if I look as awful as I feel.

"Sure." I make the effort to sit up but a sharp pain knifes through my body, making me gasp and hiss through my teeth. My head collapses back on the unforgiving pillow and I clench my eyes shut.

Jasper is by me in moments, pressing the morphine drip and the button on the side of my bed to incline the mattress.

"The bed has these buttons for a reason, Bella." He gives me an admonishing look but his lips twitch at the corners fighting a smile.

I roll my eyes and snort. "Haven't you noticed by now, I like doing things the hard way?"

Jasper chuckles and shakes his head before pulling one of the ugly chairs over to sit down next to me. "Try to tame that inclination, will you? I'm not sure the rest of us will survive it."

I'm instantly regretful even though his words are teasing. "Sorry." I clear my throat and dart my eyes towards the door half expecting Alice to come jaunting on in. "So where's your other half?"

"In the gift shop trying to single handedly boost the economy."

"Oh no." I can only imagine what the Forks Hospital Gift Shop has to offer.

"Oh yeah." He pauses. "So where's yours…your other half, I mean? I didn't think he would leave your side for a second."

The room did seem oddly empty without Edward in it. He had become so much of a permanent fixture by my bedside, spending nights in the uncomfortable chair Jazz was now sitting in, reading softly to me chapters from my favorite books and some from his even when he thought I was asleep. Who knew he was a closet Douglas Adams fan?

"I sent him home to get some sleep after I spoke with the FBI."

Jazz's eyebrows skyrocket into his hairline. "And he actually agreed to go?"

"I think he was too tired to put up much of a fight. I don't imagine he's been getting much sleep lately. Those chairs aren't exactly the most comfortable."

"No but I can guarantee there was nowhere else he would've wanted to be."

We are both dancing around the real subject and I suspect Jazz knows it too. It's so much easier not to talk about what happened, how I feel and what comes next. But I am glad Jazz is here, alone. There are things I need to say and I don't want an audience for it.

"Jazz," I start, hesitantly, my fingers twisting around the sheets. "I want to thank you."

"Thank me?" He sits up straighter, surprise registering on his face. "What the fuck for?"

The way he says it sounds so much like Edward that I have to laugh only it hurts too much. "Ow...sorry."

"Bella." He leans forward. "Why do you need to thank me?"

His question, so serious and quizzical has a sobering effect on me. I take a deep breath. "When they…uh…had me, I was terrified but…and this is going to sound totally crazy but I heard you…in my head." I quickly look up at him, expecting him to look amused but his expression is rapt and thoughtful. "I heard my Dad, Edward and my Mom too, "I admit. "but yours was the most prominent."

"And what was the Jazz voice saying?"

"You were telling me what to do…guiding me…pushing me to focus my efforts on escaping…not letting me give in to the fear. I don't think I would've survived if it wasn't for you…so thank you."

Only the slide of Jazz's chair scooting backwards as he rises slices through the silence that follows my confession. Within seconds he is at the window staring at the storm filled skies. He is tense, a ball of stilled kinetic energy, standing there before he whirls back around with his jaw tight and his gray eyes suddenly luminous. He wipes his hand down his face with a heavy sigh, the force of his fingers pulling his skin downward.

Why what I said has this odd effect on him, I don't know. I worry my teeth against my bottom lip. Maybe I should've kept quiet.

_Great job, Bella._

"I…I don't know what to say."

"You can tell me you don't think I'm nuts."

He's suddenly before me and sitting back down, his hands stuffed between his knees as he leans in towards me. His face is stern but his eyes are soft.

"I don't think you're nuts. I think you did what you had to do to survive and if hearing me ordering you around in your head did that…well… I'm honored. But the truth is…everything I did would have been futile if you didn't already possess the courage you've always had inside you."

Some small piece of my brain latches onto what he said as truth. I nod.

"One other thing before Alice gets here," I say.

"Anything."

"Can you keep this conversation between us? At least until I'm ready to share?"

_If I'm ever._

"You have my word."

It isn't long before Alice arrives nearly buried by shopping bags. She sets them down and flashes me a bright smile. Her hair and jacket have beads of water falling off it. Why is she soaked? Wasn't she at the Hospital gift store which is _inside_ the hospital?

Then I notice the labels on the bags. Not one says Forks Hospital Gift Shop. Those didn't even have labels.

"Alice, darlin', why are you wet?"

"Well," she says as she takes off her jacket and carefully puts in on the hook on the inside of the door. "I went to the gift shop and really they have nothing but flowers, stuffed animals and old lady looking slippers and pajamas. I just couldn't bring myself to buy any of it. Soooo, I went shopping. Oh, Bella I found the cutest Pj's for you."

"I don't need cute pj's Alice, I'm stuck in a hospital."

"Exactly, with all the cute…Uh-" She blushes as my eyes narrow at her. "…nevermind…I meant for Edward…you want to look pretty for Edward don't you? These hospital gowns are a horror show and don't get me started on the draft…why you move wrong…and it's like 'hello…look at my ass!' and-"

"Alice," I interrupt her, my own face flaming red now at the thought of my behind being on display for everyone to see and Jasper is trying very hard not to laugh.

The pajamas_ are_ really cute, I have to admit after she digs them out of the bag, one by one, making a fashion show out of holding them against her and twirling around. There are five sets in all and surprisingly all demure and warm; not one piece of sexy lingerie in the bunch.

As late afternoon turns to night, the storm outside gets worse. The thunder, which was far off before is crackling and booming, shaking the building. Rain slashes against the window and the lights even flicker a few times.

Carlisle comes into my room, checking to make sure I am alright and tells me I have been promoted to a new room out of I.C.U come morning. His news is not so great for Alice and Jasper, however. He urges them to stay until the storm passes. It's too dangerous out to drive.

I don't know what time I eventually fall asleep but I know I do. As I slowly wake, I can see through the blinds, the sun just making its trip over the horizon.

After a meager breakfast ( I still am not allowed solid foods), I am transferred out of the I.C.U. to a different floor. I wave goodbye to nurses as I am wheeled on the gurney to the elevator. Sheila, Mary and Carla have all been so nice to me, guarding me from the reporters trying to sneak their way in. I know everyone has been trying to hide the fact that I've become media attention but I've seen the news.

The new floor is a whole different world.

There aren't any sliding glass doors or see through walls to the nurse's station, there is no crash cart in the corner of my room, the walls aren't a stark white but a more comforting sage. Even the smell and sounds are different.

The nurses don't speak in that hushed manner I have become used to. There's more life here. No one lingers on the threshold of death. Not even me, not anymore.

I'm flicking through the channels on the television when Charlie walks in. He looks scruffy with red-rimmed tired eyes that contradict the broad smile on his face.

"Hey kiddo, I love the new digs."

I make a non-committal noise in my throat, eyeing the giant travel coffee mug in his hand with jealousy. He sees where my focus is and chuckles.

"I'd offer you some but you're not allowed any. Carlisle's orders."

Hummph…apparently my love for the java was not a secret.

"No fair tempting me like that," I grumble. I would narrow my eyes at him but it just felt weird with the bandage still on my head.

"Sorry." He has the courtesy to look sheepish and puts the mug down before sitting. "I'll tell you what, when you get out of here, I'll buy you as much coffee as you want. Deal?"

"Deal."

Over the next ten minutes, I listen to Charlie make idle chit-chat about the weather, about the neighbors little yip-yip dog constantly barking, about small town gossip and all the while my sense of unease grows.

Charlie never does idle chit-chat.

Not unless he is nervous.

"Dad," I finally interrupt him. "Don't get me wrong, it really is interesting to know that Kelly Donovan came out of the tanning salon looking like she rolled around in Dorito crumbs but…" I let my voice trail off, the implication that I know what he is doing is clear.

I didn't even know Forks had a tanning salon or who Kelly Donovan is for that matter.

Charlie sighs, his shoulders slumping forward and scratches his chin. "You always were perceptive. So," he says after a few beats. "I talked with Agent Denali earlier."

"Oh?"

"They're going to push for an early trial. The quicker, the better."

"That's good news. I mean isn't it?" It sounds like good news. The quicker Chase is behind bars, the more I can relax. Looking at Charlie, though, I'm not so sure. He doesn't seem too enthusiastic.

"It is," he agrees. "It's just…"

"I'm going to have to testify, aren't I?"

"I'm sorry, Bells."

"It's okay, Dad." I try to assure him but I can feel panic starting to bubble. I'll have to face _him_, again.

Charlie frowns disbelievingly at me. I guess I am not the only perceptive one.

"No, it's not." His hand slams down on his thigh and his eyes fill with tears. "Damn it! I just wish I could protect you from this...wish I could've protected you from all of it. I wasn't there when you needed me." His voice breaks and I want nothing more than to comfort him, this man, who I tried so hard to shield my upbringing from. He doesn't deserve this guilt.

"No Dad." I grab his hand tightly. "You were there _exactly_ when I needed you."

"If I was then that bastard-"

"No," I say more forcefully. "No one could have predicted this. No one. But you were there. When I needed you the most, _you were there."_

* * *

><p>After Charlie leaves for the station, I am alone again with my thoughts and the subtle noises of hospital life outside my room. I wish there was some way I could move or even stretch but the cast on my ankle, already decorated in signature scrawls and artwork, my wrapped ribs and network of IV needles prevent me from doing even the slightest of movements without pain.<p>

I just want everything to go back to normal again but then I don't even remember if there ever was a normal for me. My life has been a series of abnormal but it still is my life and I want to get back to it.

"Hey, beautiful."

Edward.

I smile and turn to see him, peeking his bronze head around the corner of my open doorway. He looks better, more rested and there is that sparkle in his green eyes that I hadn't seen for so long. It makes my breath catch.

"Hi."

He comes into the room, his footsteps light and his hands jammed into the front pockets of his jeans. After leaning over to drop a kiss on my lips that is way too short, he straightens up and looks around the room, frowning as he does so.

"What is it?" I ask because I can't see exactly what he is frowning over.

"Well," he starts with a shrug. "It's an improvement over your old room but it's kinda bare, don't ya think?"

"I still have the balloons and the cards."

The Get Well balloons are bunched together in a corner by the window and have already started to sag with loss of helium. The cards are taped to the wall, thanks to a nice nurse who transferred them to my new room.

"That's great but I think it needs more."

"More?"

He nods, a small smile playing at his lips. "I have just the thing."

I watch confused as he walks back out into the hall. When he comes back, he is pushing a hospital cart filled with small violet and pale yellow colored flowers. My memory takes me back to the day he gave me all those different flowers. These were the only ones I never found out the symbolic meaning for.

Primrose.

"Did you buy out the whole store?"

"As a matter of fact, I did." He says with smug smile.

Oh wow. It's too much and I open my mouth to tell him so but he looks so proud of himself, I can't. I don't want to ruin this for him. Instead, I give him as wide a smile as I can.

"They're beautiful. Thank you."

His relief is palpable. "You're welcome."

Edward places the flowers around the room with infinite care and when he is done, plucks a single violet bloom from one vase and hands it to me with flourish.

Closing my eyes, I hold the flower up to my nose, letting the petals tickle my skin. The scent of the small bloom is the very essence of spring; light, innocent and sweet.

"You never did tell me what these mean." I open my eyes to look at him. The vibrancy in his gaze dims a bit and he looks almost reticent and sad.

He grasps my free hand between his and clears his throat.

"They mean I cannot live without you."

"Oh, Edward." I shake my head, disbelieving.

"It's true, Bella." His voice turns gruff, his eyes imploring. "I can't."

The words are spoken with such an absoluteness and sincerity to them that I believe him. A constricting lump rises to my throat and I force to swallow pass it even as the tears rise to my eyes. Thinking of a world without Edward in it breaks my heart...shatters it and I know I feel exactly the same way he does.

"I can't live without you either."

His lips are on mine then, fierce, desperate and possessive. His tongue pushes through the barrier if my teeth as his hand gently cups the back of my neck holding me to him. I can feel the wet of tears on my cheeks and I don't know if they come from him or me...maybe both.

"I love you," we both say at the same time when he finally pulls away.

"So much," he whispers, using the pad of his thumb to wipe a tear from my cheek.

* * *

><p>Over the next few days, I am met with a steady stream of visitors; mostly kids from school who I've only interacted with in the most minimal of ways. Many offer their well wishes but there are a few who only come to gawk and gossip.<p>

The gossip is entertaining.

I can do without the gawking.

Even Lauren and Jessica stop by for a perfunctory visit. Lauren is even nice...well maybe not nice exactly but she is civil. She asks about a potted plant she gave to Edward to give to me but I have no idea what she is talking about. Edward, who is in the room, coughs to cover up a laugh. Her awkwardness is compounded when he informs her that plants aren't allowed in the I.C.U. She doesn't bother to ask where it ended up but I know his expressions well. The one on his face now tells me he chucked it in the nearest dumpster.

Somehow a few reporters find out my room number and unfortunately, my phone has to be disconnected due to the amount of calls I am getting. From the calls I did happen to answer, I got the gist of what they wanted; interview requests, photo ops and there were even a few book deals and movie rights tossed around.

It was a repeat performance of what happened in Phoenix and once again, I went from unassuming Bella to Bella the celebrity practically overnight. I'm not sure how I feel about it.

Would giving an interview appease the frenzy or just fuel it more?

"You look deep in thought."

The soft lilt of Esme's voice distances me from the rambling going on in my head.

"Kind of," I admit with a non-committal shrug, watching as comes in and sits beside me. She puts her briefcase down on the floor next to her and I wonder if she is here as my friend or therapist. The lines between the two have become so blurred now.

"Do you want to talk about it?" She must see the confusion in my eyes because she adds "to someone that cares deeply for you."

She is so maternal it makes my eyes fill with wanting for my own mother, imperfect as she was. Her own eyes are expectant, waiting and I feel the dam within me burst and I let go. I tell her about how satisfying it felt to have the power to fight back, how even though it's awful of me but I am happy Phil is dead, how useless I feel waiting for my body to feel, how now it's over, I want to shed it all and live. I admit to the nightmares that still haunt me and the fear of speaking at the trial. I tell her how I am afraid to lean on Edward anymore; that he has already given so much and I have taken it. I tell her I dreamt about my mother and life that could've been and how I am ashamed that when I woke up, I didn't know if I wanted it. I tell her how it seems the media want more pieces of me than I know I can give and question if I give anything or nothing at all.

And she listens to all of it, silently, gladly and never says a word until the last syllable is uttered from my mouth in a broken, raspy whisper. She hands me a tissue which I accept and indelicately blow my nose.

"I just word-vomited all over you, didn't I?" I say, tossing the tissue into the garbage. "Crap. I'm so sorry."

"Do you feel better now?"

_Do I?_ I find myself nodding ever so slightly. "You know, I think I actually do."

"Good." She uncrosses her legs, leans forward and takes my hand in hers. "Then don't apologize. And Bella, just so you know, leaning on people is not a bad thing, especially if they love you. I know my son, how he was and how he is now. Trust me when I tell you, he is a better person for knowing you, for loving you. He won't break if you lean on him but he just might if you don't."

I ponder this a moment while I worry my bottom lip with my teeth. I've been doing it so much lately, I fear I'll soon have no lip left. Wouldn't that be a shame?

"I'm afraid. Sometimes the words won't come and sometimes when they do, it's too much."

"That's because you let it build up so much. I'm going to put on my therapist's hat for a second if that's okay."

"Of course."

"Anytime, day or night when you feel the urge to speak to Edward or anyone for that matter and are afraid, write it down. Even if you never show it to anyone, putting pen to paper is sometimes all you need to banish it from your mind ot at the very least, start making sense."

* * *

><p>I am home. After a week and a half holed up behind sterile walls, I am finally home. Edward left an hour ago and here I am sitting in my bed with my soft-casted leg propped up on a pillow, an open notebook in my lap and a pen in between my lips.<p>

The blank page mocks me even as I mull over and scratch out words in my mind. There's so much to say, I don't know where to start.

Closing my eyes, I take deep breaths until a moment of clarity hits and I smile. Pressing the pen on the first line, I begin to write.

_Monsters are real…_

* * *

><p>AN - Okay all, epilogue is next.


	47. Chapter 47

**Five Years Later**

"Bella!" I yell from our bedroom closet, cringing at the way my voice echoes as it bounces off the now bare walls. "Did you already pack my UDub Sweatshirt?"

"No." I hear her yell back but there is laughter and mischief in her voice.

That could mean anything. What is my wife up to now?

I'm knee deep in cardboard boxes, rolled carpet and wrapped furniture. The only discernible piece of our bedroom set is the queen size mattress sitting in the middle of the hardwood floor, which I've already tripped over a few times in my quest. We're moving tomorrow, saying goodbye to our college apartment of four years to a house in Olympia.

I can't fucking wait to start the next chapter of our lives.

"Well, I can't find it."

This is ridiculous. I set the damn shirt aside because I wanted to wear it for moving day and damn me if I packed all my other clothes and there is no way, I'm going to go digging through garment bags and suitcases. Besides Bella packed them so neatly, I think she would freak on me if I did. Ans she called me the neat freak?

"Maybe you're not looking hard enough, Maestro."

I look up and she is standing there, silhouetted in the doorway with a come-hither smile, her hand on her hip, wearing my UDub sweatshirt and God help me, nothing else.

I swallow. Hard. I think I even growl.

There's something about Bella wearing my clothes that does something primal to me. Maybe it's the scent of her that lingers on them after I take them off of her or maybe it's some territorial male claiming thing like a hickey. I don't know. I'll never tell her how much I like it though. I would have no clothes left. But come to think about the number of times I've caught her wearing my shirts, I think she already knows.

"Do you want it back?" she asks. Her tone is innocent but her walk as she makes her way towards me is anything but.

"What if I do?"

"Hmmm." Her index finger plays across her bottom lip and then she shrugs. "Well, I suppose I'll have to give it you then."

In one swift movement, she pulls the shirt over her head and lets it drop to the floor.

Vixen Bella has come out to play and I am more than ready. She giggles when I tackle her to the bed and nip at her jaw.

Give it to me, indeed.

"David Lee Roth definitely had you in mind when he wrote 'Hot for Teacher'" I growl into the crook of her neck. "I can hear all those seventeen year old boys now, all clamoring to get their education in Romeo and Juliet from the very hot Mrs. Cullen."

"And what of you, Mr. Cullen?" she whispers against me, her fingers tugging at my hair as stroke her neck with my tongue. "All those little girls wanting you to tune their instruments."

I can't help but snicker. As if she could compare me teaching music to elementary school kids to her educating teenagers in English. I was seventeen once. I know what goes on in the minds of boys.

"So are we taking a break from packing or are we done?"

"We're done."

"Good," I smile right before I claim her lips with my own.

XXXXX

Disentangling my limbs from her sleepy ones, I pull myself up off of the mattress and kiss her brow. She sighs softly in her sleep and rolls over.

I wish I could sleep.

I can't.

My brain won't shut off and I feel antsy.

She said everything was packed but it can't hurt to take another look around, just to make sure. Quietly, I navigate around the obstacle course that is my bedroom, down the hall and into the main living space that contains a kitchen that opens up into a dining and living room area. A sense of melancholy envelopes me.

This was our first apartment together as husband and wife. We made so many memories here, I can almost see the ghosts of us lingering in every corner.

Bella cooking at the stove while I steal kisses at the back of her neck.

Making love against the counters, on the piano, against the wall, on the dining room table…well, just about everywhere.

Rubbing her tired feet and aching legs on the sofa after our Karate lessons at the Dojo down the block.

Yeah, my girl is a badass red belt.

I look at the floor remembering all the times she "practiced" techniques with me. We'd push the furntiture against the wall and and our sparring sessions would usually end with me on the floor, her on top and the only things doing any sparring were our tongues.

Tomorrow, though, we'd be moving into our house, complete with the white picket fence. I had come into a large trust fund left to me by my biological parents that had grown a significant amount of interest over the years. I had never seen so many 0's next to each other before and nearly fell to my knees when Dad's attorney handed me the certified check.

Bella, being Bella, didn't want any of it. She would rather live in this small apartment than to use "my money", as she put it. It took quite a bit of convincing to get through to her that when we married everything that was mine became ours.

I still don't think she's convinced. I'm not sure she ever will be. She feels that she needs to balance things somehow.

Silly girl.

She gives me herself, her heart, her soul every day. _That_ is priceless. No amount of money could ever compare to that.

After chugging down some orange juice from the container (Bella would have my head if she saw me), I make my way around the kitchen, checking drawers and cabinets for anything we might have forgotten to pack up.

Satisfied with that, I begin to check the closets and the living room until I stub my big toe on an errant box planted right in the middle of the floor. I bite my lip to keep from yelping.

Fuck, that hurts.

I take a closer look at my attacker; a small plastic container sitting next to a large opened cardboard box.

Aha!

My late night quest for unpacked objects has been validated.

Picking it up, I see there is a note attached to the top of it.

_Edward,_

_I knew you would be up, scouring the apartment, doing your ritual "idiot check" as you like to put it. Before we can close the chapter on this part of our lives and embark on a new one, there is something I would like you to see. _

_My story and what eventually became our story; the one we are still writing. _

_There are things in these pages that I have never had the courage to show you or anyone until now. _

_It's time._

_I love you, _

_Bella_

With shaking hands, I take the lid off the box and suck in a sharp breath.

Notebooks.

_The_ notebooks.

The ones I would catch her writing furiously in but would never tell me the contents, no matter how many times I asked her to.

_"It's not time, yet,"_ she would say always followed with. "_Soon, when I can finally put this behind me_."

Was she saying it was behind her now?

Grabbing the small stack, I sit on the floor against the plastic wrapped sofa and open the notebook marked simply with the number one.

I read…no, I _devour_. Every sentence, a painful breath, constricting my chest and filling my heart as I greedily inhale the words.

Her words.

_Welcome to Phoenix_

_I remember the first time I saw that sign._

_I was staring blankly out of the dusty window of our old Ford at the looming city rising from the brown of the desert._

_"I have a really good feeling about this place, baby." Renee's smile was wide as she glanced over at me._

_I fought the urge to roll my eyes._

_It was her standard catch phrase for every town she dragged us to. I had stopped believing her after the first few times._

_Her "good feelings" came with an expiration date._

_I stopped becoming close friends with people. We never stayed long enough in one place for it to be worth it. Even when I would visit my dad every summer before I turned thirteen, I didn't spend too much time with other kids my age. They seemed to all know each other from birth and I was the curious outsider whose dad was the chief of police in a town of less than 3,000 people._

Just like me, I think. She was just like me.

Standing on the edge of the circle but never becoming part of it until she led me into the center.

I rub the ache in my chest and continue reading.

_Phil's personality changes were subtle at first. He would criticize her but in the nicest way possible...it was patronizing and condescending and you wouldn't even recognize it for what it was but like I said was perceptive and read in between the lines. I saw how everything he said chipped away at her self esteem, made her more emotionally dependent on him._

_I hated it. I began to hate him._

_I began to wonder if I really was jealous...resentful that someone else had taken the lead with Renee'. No. I wanted her to be happy. I wanted her to have someone else in her life that she could depend on and take care of her. I wouldn't feel so guilty then when I went away to college; which I had every intention of doing. But I did not want it like this...a slow acting cancer that was eating away everything that Renee was._

_He flung her off him like she was nothing but a fly sending her flying back onto the broken glass of the lamp. I scrambled up and jumped on him, ripping at his hair, trying to gouge at his face with my blunt nails._

_Throwing me over his head like I weighed nothing, I landed head first into the wall._

_I remembered nothing after that._

_Except for the screams._

_They would haunt me until the day I died._

_Charlie told me I died once. It was on the way to the hospital before he was even aware what had happened. He was profoundly grateful they were able to bring me back._

_I wasn't._

_Would I have been sent to heaven or hell?_

Oh, Bella. My heart breaks a little more. Somehow I knew, I've always known that she felt this way but seeing it in words, giving proof to what was only theory…it guts me.

_I would live with Charlie now. He was all I had left._

_Another boy came into the office walking…no…not walking…sauntering with his bed tousled penny bronze hair and a secret smirk._

_I wondered what the joke was._

_I wondered why I was suddenly so interested._

Me, she's describing me. I remember that day so clearly too. How just hearing her voice affected my hormonal teenage body. From that day on, Bella had been it for me.

_I was the shiny new toy and everyone wanted to play with me._

_At least that's how it felt._

_Dazed, I didn't register the sound of feet running towards me, until I saw a shadow blocking out the almost non-existent sun in the afternoon sky._

_I looked up into the greenest pair of eyes I had ever seen…deep pools of emerald...and a thick head of bronze hair._

_The scars. I couldn't let them see the scars._

_I realized I couldn't do this...couldn't be this normal person that joked in class that began to feel something I couldn't want with a boy that I couldn't have._

_And my smile died. Just like that._

_So did Edward's and I felt horrible for it._

_He had a beautiful smile. He should always be smiling._

_His flirtatious green eyes sparkling, mesmerized me until I remembered that he only said that because he didn't know me._

_The question was did I want him to?_

_No._

_It was too risky._

_For me. For him._

_I was going down alone in this sinking ship called my life._

If she only knew then of my own fears and anxieties, of my own obsession with her. So much time was wasted in those first few weeks.

_Where did I fit in?_

_Did I fit in anywhere?_

_Probably not._

_"Because I feel broken. Worse than that. I feel like I break everything around me."_

_I caught Edward's eyes narrowing at me._

_It was obvious he didn't want to be near me._

_It shouldn't hurt but it did._

_I shouldn't care but I did._

_I spent the rest of the day vacillating between urgent anticipation and cold dread at going out with Alice and the others while trying to ignore the bold faced stares of my other classmates and their obvious feelings of distaste over my choice to sit with the Cullen's and the Hale's._

_It was like there was some unwritten social code and I had violated it._

_Charlie needed a break._

_From me._

_Even if he didn't voice the words._

_It was important to him that I would be okay._

_So it was important to me to make him believe I was._

_Even if it was a lie._

_When I was finally sure I could look at him without falling apart completely, I glanced over to where he was seating beside me._

_His green eyes looked worried; anxious and I wanted nothing more than to make him feel better._

_"I'm so embarrassed. You must think I am the world's biggest sissy." I said; wincing at how hoarse my voice was. "I'm just not good with blood."_

_There, that sounded like a plausible excuse._

_No need to let him in on how damaged I really was._

_His hand found mine again and intertwined our fingers together; his thumb caressing circles in the back of my hand. The electric sensation was back. I could feel the pulses between our mingled flesh._

_It felt so good...too good._

_I could still see the dismay in Dr. Platt's eyes when I revealed to her mine and Renee's nomadic lifestyle. The way she looked made it seem so wrong and maybe…just maybe deep down, I knew it was. Maybe that was my fault too. If I spoke up and said something, she may have settled down, we may have never moved to Phoenix, she would have never met that monster. And she would still be here with me._

_But I had remained quiet…letting her take the lead because it made her happy._

_I am stunned._

_And I am in pain._

_Because I know it's not true._

_He can't see the scars that mar my body._

_Or taint my soul._

_He was still ranting on about hidden dangers._

_And I was the most hidden danger of all._

_"Don't you have anything to say?" he asked._

_"You just called me beautiful." I whispered disbelievingly._

_"You know, Swan." Jessica sneered getting in my face so I had to take a few steps back. "You may not care now but you will when everyone turns their backs on you, even the untouchable ones" It was a comment about Edward that she knew I would understand. "There is only so long you can play the dead mother sympathy card before everyone figures out your mom was just a flake who got knocked up right after high school. Maybe that's why you and Rosalie get along so well…you're cut from the same cloth."_

_I felt dizzying shock invading my brain, turning my veins to ice. Nausea rolled. I was barely aware of running footsteps or the shouts coming from down the hallway as I nearly dove for the bathroom door, hurdling myself through it._

_Shaking, I ran into one of the stalls and wretched, my whole body convulsing with the force of it. Suddenly Alice was there, kneeling beside me holding my hair away from my face, offering solace in a soothing tone that didn't seem to penetrate through the haze of anguish smothering me._

_Visions of Rosalie…of me…of Phil swam in my head, melding together._

_I wretched until I was dry heaving and even then I couldn't seem to stop._

_Was he as aware of me as I was of him?_

_Impossible._

_What was I next to Edward Cullen but a mere shell masquerading as a human being? A poisonous parasite that sucked the life from everyone around me; including my new found friends._

_Maybe I should end this before it went any deeper._

A poisonous parasite?

The idea is so absurd, I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

_It was selfish of me but I wanted to remain friends with Alice, Emmett...and Edward. Most of all Edward. Even Rosalie, who I had much more in common with than I could have ever anticipated and Jasper as well._

_"Who have you hurt, Bella?"_

_"Ren...my Mom, Charlie" I answer listlessly, the agony barreling through me. I wrap my arms around my middle. I can't...I begin to rock back and forth in the chair, shaking my head. I look up at Esme. Her face is no longer impassive like a doctor, it's twisted in pain._

_"You." I whisper._

_The nightmares arrive every evening like clockwork, so I guess they have become part of my routine as well. Charlie, no longer stumbles frantically into my room when I begin to scream. He has become conditioned to the sound and sleeps right through it now._

_It's a burden of guilt off my shoulders._

_Edward._

_His mere nearness evoked such a depth of feeling within me; like a warm, protective embrace._

_I craved it._

_I craved him._

_The fact that he may feel the same terrified me._

_Because once he knew the truth, saw the extent of my sins…my damage, it would change._

_And that would be my final breaking point._

"Never," I whisper under my breath. "My feelings woould never change."

Even now knowing where the story ended up, I am in denial. Moisture pools in my eyes and tracks down my cheeks, my nose burns and my throat feels raw. Sucking in a sharp breath, I force my eyes back to the tear-stained page, my own new ones, mxing with her dry ones that have settled into the pulp of the paper and left a darkened rim where they had landed.

_In the dark confines of the car, I looked at him._

_He looked at me._

_The laughing stopped._

_We both stared._

_Gazed._

_Awareness licked at me, heating me._

_My breath hitched._

_I nervously licked my bottom lip._

_His green eyes became a dark forest._

_His Adams apple bobbed in his perfect throat._

_I shivered._

_I cried for him…for the anguish etched so deeply in his face._

_I cried for me…for being so broken._

_I cried for us…for what could have been._

_What should have been._

_My eyes meet and drown in a bottomless abyss of liquid green pain._

_I did this._

_I broke this beautiful boy._

_I was a monster._

Putting the book down, I rub the heels of my hands into my eyes to push back the tears. Her words, both a gift and a curse, give me a new understanding at just how much she has overcome. Even with the evidence in my lap, I cannot reconcile how Bella felt about herself, how so very twisted from the truth.

I need to take a break.

Scrubbing my hand down my face, I peel myself of the sofa in search of a bottle of something, anything only to realize it has all been packed away.

Feeling the magnetic pull that is always there, I look in on Bella, sleeping peacefully, her hands tucked under her chin and her legs curled up towards her chest. Tenderness washes over me as I watch her, breathing softly into the pillow.

I'm bone tired but I don't want to stop reading. There is so much more yet to know and reading her words makes me feel like I can read her mind. It's powerful and heady and would treasure this always.

After pulling the sheet around her shoulder and soothing a trembling hand over her hair, I go back to the book I left behind.

_I had to do this._

_I owed him this much after all._

_If he walked away it just might break me but at least I would know._

_I nodded; biting down on my bottom lip and in one quick motion, like peeling off a band aid, I raised my shirt over my head with trembling fingers and let it drop to the floor beside me._

_I wanted to tell him I wasn't worth it but I no longer had the ability to speak. His lips which had so lovingly caressed my scars, now covered my own in a searing kiss._

_Here I was trying so hard not to destroy him with my own pain but my constant pushing him away was making his own even worse._

_I didn't know why he loves me but he does._

_I could feel it emanating from him._

_I could fight no more._

_Resolve made be brave._

_Slowly, I leaned in and put my lips on his._

_It's too soon. He doesn't want sex...does he? Oh don't be naive, Bella. He's seventeen. What seventeen year old boy doesn't want sex?_

_I suddenly don't know if I can do this. I can't give him what he wants. And then..._

_And then..._

_He's going to leave._

_"I was wrong," Vicki said. "You're not a cutter at all, are you? But you've been marked all the same. I bet right now you're fucking terrified of the guilt, of the feeling you're not worth it, that you're dirty…tainted somehow…terrified of the never ending nightmares that are just as scary in the light of day will never go away."_

_I found myself nodding at her words, no matter how sinister they rang in my ear. No one had ever spoken so crudely and honestly about it before. They all seemed to tip toe on egg shells around it…around me._

_It was…refreshing. I liked it._

_Her anger, her bitterness, her direct way of getting to the core…it strengthened me somehow._

_My heart pulses rapidly as I finally speak. No more hiding, terrified and afraid in the darkened corners of my mind. It gives him power. Power I need to take back._

_For the first time in a long time, I am optimistic that somehow, I'm going to be okay._

_He engulfed me in his strong arms, holding me tightly to his chest like he never wanted to let go. I didn't want him to._

_But I couldn't have him questioning me or the depths of what I felt. He had to trust me. I knew he had his own issues with abandonment and beyond any hurt I felt, I knew that was the reason behind everything he just said._

_I quickly closed the distance between us, motivated by that magnetic pull that was always there, drawing me to him. My arms wrapped around him and I soothed his back with my hands. I had to admit, the idea of breaking things off, however fleeting, did come to mind. I didn't want to. It would've reinforced all his fears and I couldn't do that._

I knew it! I slam the page with the palm of my hand. She _was_ thinking of ending it right there in the music room. The pain of that day hits me again like it was yesterday and I can still picture the desolate look in her eyes with ease.

_It was time to let go of our fears._

_The decision made, I stood up, letting the blanket fall from my shoulders. He watched me warily wondering what I would do next. His eyes widened when I kicked off my sneakers and pulled my top over my head._

_I pivoted around and gasped at what I saw before me._

_This couldn't be happening._

_He was here!_

_Phil was here._

_He was smirking at me with his head cocked to one side...taunting me silently._

_What were ripples of fear were now full blown waves of terror._

_Your voice is a weapon._

_I heard Jasper's instruction in my head._

_I screamed._

_Pain._

_Darkness._

_Be smart and play it cool. _

_Concentrate on your surroundings._

_Look for opportunities to escape._

_Breathe, Bella. Just fucking breathe._

_You are well and truly fucked this time, Swan._

_For the first time since this whole debacle started, I let my mind drift to Edward._

_His face appeared in my mind, bronze locks mixed with blonde, gold and brown streaks, his eyes dark green and full of devastation, his full lips pleading, saying the same thing over and over again._

_"Don't leave me, don't ever leave me"_

_I won't Edward. I'll never leave. I'm trying. It's so hard but I'll do it. I'll get away somehow._

_I prayed they weren't empty promises._

_You only have one shot, Bella. Make it a good one. Attack with the unexpected._

_It was Jaspers voice again._

_Phil's gun went from Charlie, to Edward back to Charlie again. He cocked the trigger and his grip on me tightened._

_Two against one._

_But he was the one with the gun._

_He had the power._

_Everything that happened next happened so fast. Concentrating my rage, I swung my arm up and stabbed Phil in the face. With a roar, he grabbed the skin at my throat and flung me with all his strength. I landed with a shriek and a crack, barely hanging on to consciousness. I heard two gunshots, a thud and two sets of footsteps running._

_Chase entered the courtroom, wearing defiance on his face and an orange jumpsuit over his body; his hair buzzed close to his scalp made him look meaner. Not even the fact that he had chains from wrists to ankles, led in on leash like the animal he was did nothing to quell the fear that sprang from my belly._

_Edward's hand threaded and locked with mine were my touchstone throughout countless hours of testimony._

_Chase was never called to the stand. He just sat there with cold, lifeless eyes; his only betrayal of emotion was the tiny, rapid pulse of anger where his jaw met his temple._

_His attorney tried to rip my testimony apart; making me succumb to the tears I had so valiantly tried to keep at bay through the whole process. When my eyes met with Edward's over the witness stand, I knew I had to keep fighting for my composure, if not for me then for him._

_It nearly worked until Chase mumbled something I couldn't hear. But Edward did. He went ballistic and tried to attack. Charlie had to hold him back. I'd never seen Edward so viciously angry and violent; teeth bared, hands clenched into strike-forced fists and his face contorted in rage. To think, I played a role in that breaks my heart._

_Guilty on all counts._

_It was over._

_Chase would be put away for a very long time._

_I could begin living again._

**One Year Later**

The room is crowded; row upon row of chairs filled with strangers; tittering in hushed whispers, all of them waiting for the seat in the front to be filled. Alice was instrumental in setting everything up, the little event planning general that she is. She had taken it upon herself to see everything to fruition and even now, I spot her barking orders to the staff, to the security detail and even to Rose and Mom who are trying their best not to throttle her. Even Dad, Charlie and Emmett, who are moving easels and stacks of books from one side of the room to the other look like they are about ready to give up.

So many people are here for Bella and I think I am more nervous than she is.

Bella sucks in a breath beside me as she peeks through the partially opened curtain at the crowd. She looks a little green and small beads of perspiration have broken out above her brow and over her lip. I gently rub circles into her back knowing how it soothes her.

"You look beautiful, baby," I tell her because it's the God's honest truth. She has filled out in all the right places since high school, becoming less frail and all woman.

My woman.

My _wife_.

She is dressed in a deep purple peasant dress that falls off one shoulder exposing the gentle curve of her neck and all I can think about is attaching my lips there and pulling her into the nearest alcove to have my way with her.

The thought has me shifting uncomfortably from one foot to the other. Bella gives me a knowing look punctuated with an amused smirk as she bumps her hip playfully against me.

Later, her eyes say.

Oh baby, I'm going to hold you to that and every available surface I can get you on.

But today is her day. She has sat through more than her share of my students' music recitals without batting an eyelash. My students. Everyone expected me to follow in Dad's footsteps and become a doctor. Ironically it's Emmett who is pre-med with a specialty in sports medicine.

"I'm not late am I?" Jasper says rushing towards us, barely breaking a sweat. He's still dressed in his uniform complete with gun secure in its holster. Part of me still can't get over the fact that my best friend and brother-in-law is a cop. Charlie had been so impressed with Jazz's deductive reasoning in figuring out Coach Chase was in on Bella's kidnapping all those years ago that he had suggested Jazz look into a career in law enforcement. Now Jazz is an officer for the Seattle Police Department.

"You're just in time," Bella says giving him a tight hug. "I thought you had to work."

Jazz snorted. "And miss my sister-in-law's moment in the sun? Never. Besides Alice would have me castrated if I did."

"Alice has wanted to have you castrated since my nephew entered the world," I chuckle. Because she was so small, Alice did not have the easiest of births bringing Brandon Carlisle Hale into the world. It was a painful delivery and Alice had no problem letting Jazz know all about it in great vivid detail during the delivery. Dad said the maternity ward had been laughing for weeks afterward.

"It couldn't have been too bad since we're going on number two now." The pride is evident in Jazz's eyes and I could swear he puffs out his chest a little.

"Only because we're doing c-section this time, Mister." Alice, in all her seventh month glory lumbers towards us, one hand pressed to her lower back and the other swiping a stray hair from her forehead.

I think she's only partially joking.

Bella's eyes meet mine. She is glowing and I have to resist settling my hand to her still-flat abdomen. It's our secret, just for a little while longer.

"It's just about time," Alice interrupts our little moment. "Are you ready for your big debut, Bella?"

She peeks out again at the audience and takes a deep breath. "I am."

"Break a leg, baby," I tell her, wrapping my arms around her and pressing my lips to ear. She is trembling slightly in my arms and her heart thunders against my chest. This moment has been six years in the making; six years of nightmares, of sleepless nights putting furious pen to paper, six years of rumors and speculation finally put to rest. Many have tried to tell her story and all have failed.

"We have a very special guest today, as I am sure you all know," The proprietor of the Port Angeles bookstore begins her short, practiced speech. "Her story made the headlines many times over and the magnitude of it rocked our small community six years ago. Today, she will speak of what happened in her own words for the very first time…"

**Bella POV**

It's surreal to think that what had initially started as cathartic release and a written journey to heal my soul, turned into this; four hundred pages in between two hard covers backed by a major publishing company. It had never been my intention to make it public. I even refused all interviews, press and book deals that poured in before, during and after the difficult trial.

Until I finally let Edward read it. It was the last night in our college apartment. Graduation was over and we were finally going to be moving into our house…our home.

_"You need to tell the world your story, baby," he told me in a gruff, sleep-deprived voice as he curled his body around mine in the bed._

_"But-"_

_He silenced me with another kiss, cupping the back of my neck with his palm before he slowly pulled away._

_"I've never read anything more beautiful, more poignant in my life." His voice was choked with emotion and I knew his red eyes weren't only from lack of sleep. "It's time, love."_

I brought the idea up to Esme, who immediately latched onto it.

"I think it would be wonderful, Bella. You've overcome so much. Think of how others would be helped by your words."

So, I edited it, revised it and sent it off to one of the publishers that originally offered me a book deal. I had thought it too late. No one would be interested in my story now, so long after the fact. I was wrong.

My Magnum Opus, Edward called it when we received an advanced copy. No, I think, settling my hand over my stomach; this is my Magnum Opus.

Today, June 1, is the national release date and also what brings me here; the first of many stops on my summer book tour before I go back to being Mrs. Cullen, English teacher at Olympia High School.

Mrs. Cullen.

The name still gives me the warm and fuzzies with a side helping of disbelief, even after almost five years.

Alice gives me a slight nudge breaking me from my reverie and all too suddenly, I am aware that the bookstore owner, Zafrina, has ended her introduction and everyone is waiting for me.

"I love you," Edward whispers in my ear, placing his hand over mine; the one resting on my stomach. "Both of you."

I reach up and tug playfully at the white streak in his hair that never went away. "Love you more."

"Not possible." He shakes his head and releases me.

I walk up the middle aisle, my book clutched firmly in my hand. Whispers are murmured and heads crane and look at my exposed arms; at the scars that remain visible but like the nightmares they have faded too. Settling into the plush chair, I gaze out at the faces staring back at me. Many of them are familiar from high school and my old therapy group sits to the side, all together, like we were so many years ago. It's then I realize I am not only telling my story but in a way, I am telling theirs too.

Clearing my throat and sipping the provided water, letting it sluice down my bone dry throat, I open to the page I marked to read. All stories must have a beginning and I have chosen mine.

"Monsters are real. They are not the nocturnal beasts that linger under our beds at night. They are not the scary images that lurk in the dark corners of our nightmares. They are not the serial killers that come back to life for five sequels in the movies. They are the people we walk by every day and never truly see. They can be a neighbor, a person in the check-out line of a supermarket…a baseball coach." My voice breaks just a little but I trudge forward. "But just as monsters are real, so must heroes be as well; the friend, who saw something worthy in you that you didn't know you had, the parent who would protect you until your last breath even if it meant sacrificing their own, the lover, whose love and support are pure and unconditional. And sometimes, if we are lucky, we can even find the heroes that exist within ourselves. My name is Bella Swan Cullen and this is my story."

* * *

><p>AN - To quote a song title from The Sundays, here's where the story ends. Thank you so much for taking this journey with me. I hope you all enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. Although the tale is over, I may decide to write outtakes from the time in between the last chapter and the epilogue or possible futuretakes so we can see where life takes Edward and Bella over the years. Again, thank you all and have a very Happy Thanksgiving!


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